Author's Notes: Well, once again digging through my files from my tenth grade creative writing class and came up with this thing.
I happen to think it's kinda funny. I laughed while reading it, and that's gotta be a good sign, right. The assignment, as I recall,
was to write a television script....hence all the stupid stage directions (SFX =sound effects), lol. Anyway I wrote a parody of
my favorite TV show at the time, Seinfeld. Due to numerous shampoo commercial refferences, it's a little bit dated, but I think
it's still funny. Please let me know what you think. Alrighty, here we gooooooo................
Irrelevance: A "Seinfeld" Parody
Fade in to a scene of JERRY in his apartment. He is sitting down on
the couch, eating cereal and watching TV. We are able to hear noises coming from the TV.
SFX- Door bursts open and KRAMER bursts in spasming all over the place.
KRAMER: Hello Jerry. My name is Kramer. I am seemingly unemployed, yet for some reason I am not
a homeless bum living in a box outside this apartment building. I am also old, ugly, annoying, and I often get on your nerves
by stealing your food.
JERRY: Hello Kramer. I am a middle aged, sarcastic man who has no emotion whatsoever and takes pleasure in viewing the
misfortune of others. Although I throw childish tantrums and whine for hours on end, the television audience loves this because
they are all incredibly immature themselves. Watch as I eat my fiftieth bowl of cereal today.
KRAMER: Okay, it's been a while since anything has happened, so I am going to have an involuntary spasm and fall to the floor
breaking several things on my way down. *falls and spasms. SFX*
*buzzer rings. Jerry walks over to speaker and presses a button.*
JERRY: Yeah?
GEORGE's voice is heard over the intercom: It's George
JERRY: Alright, come on up.
KRAMER: You know, you should do something about that George. He's always in here, walking around like he owns the
place! Some people have no respect for the privacy of others!
JERRY: Yeah, kinda reminds me of someone I know.
KRAMER: Really, who? Anyway, I'm serious about this Jerry. You ought to go to the government. I've got a friend who
works for the government. There's gotta be something in that constitution you can use!
*KRAMER takes a piece of fruit from a bowl on Jerry's counter and takes a huge bite*
JERRY: Uh......that's okay. Really
KRAMER: Alright, but if you ever have any trouble you just let me know.
*GEORGE enters at this point*
GEORGE: Hello Jerry. Hello Kramer. I am a short, fat, little bald man with extremely low self esteem. I never do any work
at my job, yet I am always paid because my boss always thinks I am doing top quality work. He is an idiot. I also wear glasses
that I would be blind as a bat without.
KRAMER: Speaking of glasses, there was once this guy who kept leaving his glasses in the mailbox. Now why would you
do that? It's such a stupid thing. Some people! Anyway, this guy kept leaving his glasses, and one day, when Newman was
in a bad mood, he picked them up and took them. And those are the very glasses he wears now. Now how's that for
interesting?
GEORGE: Sorry, did you say something?
JERRY: Well, what I got out of it was basically that Newman's an idiot.
GEORGE: I thought we had already established that.
*door burst open and ELAINE barges in. JERRY rolls his eyes and pours himself another bowl of cereal*
JERRY: How'd you get in?
ELAINE: Oh, the doorman let me in. He thinks I'm pretty. *tosses hair* So do I , as a matter of fact. I have a very high
opinion of my looks. I also have a different boyfriend every week, who I think should feel very privileged to date me. My
current boyfriend is named Puddy. He is incredibly dense and has a brain the size of a pea. Maybe not even that big.
*suddenly changing the topic; tosses hair again* Hey, why don't we go to the coffee shop? You would not BELIEVE how
hungry I am.
JERRY: I think I would, I've seen you eat.
KRAMER: Speaking of eating, there was once this guy..........
GEORGE: Not now, Kramer.
KRAMER: But it's a good story!
GEORGE: I don't care.
They all go out and the door slams-SFX
*CUT to a shot of the group in their usual booth. JERRY and ELAINE sit on one side, KRAMER and GEORGE on the other*
GEORGE: Why do we always have to eat here? It's pretty sad, isn't it, that coming here is basically the high point of our day.
JERRY: I wonder if you can order cereal here. I can't live without my Captain Crunch!
KRAMER: Have you ever kept a tally of how much cereal you eat every day? That could be very interesting! You might
even get in the guiness book of world records. I'm in there already you know. Five times.
ELAINE: *disbelieving* For what?
KRAMER: Well, first I was in for having the largest collection of dead fish- that's a great pastime! Then I beat my own record
and got in again. The third time, me and my friend Bob Sacamano built the larges marshmallow sculpture in history.
GEORGE: Well what about the fourth and fifth times?
KRAMER: Well, ah those were mistakes. You know what I mean? *does one of those funky head spasm thingys*
*waitress walks by*
GEORGE: Excuse me, could I have some cheesecake over here?
*waitress brings cheesecake, GEORGE picks up his fork and is about to eat when he notices JERRY eyeing the cheescake
suspiciously*
GEORGE: What?
JERRY: Nothing.
GEORGE: No, seriously, what are you looking at?
JERRY: Well........If I'm not mistaken........
GEORGE: WHAT?!
JERRY: I think there's a cockroach in your cheesecake.
ELAINE: *looks absolutely disgusted* Oh my GOD!
GEORGE: See, if we ate somewhere else for a change, this wouldn't have happened! But no, everything's always got to be
your way. Well, I'm SICK of it!
* The camera follows GEORGE as he storms out of the restaraunt. He trips on the curb and falls, sprawled in the street. His
glasses fly off and he is squinting because he can't see anything. Suddenly there is the loud sound of a truck. George looks up
and sees it coming towards him.*
GEORGE: AUGGGH!!!!!!!!!
*The truck hits GEORGE and the driver gets out. It is PUDDY*
PUDDY: Aw, man. Now I'm gonna be off schedule for the rest of the day. Oh wait, I don't HAVE a schedule. I'd better go
find somebody to take a look at this since I'm far too dense to handle it myself.
*Camera follows PUDDY as he opens the door of the coffee shop, walks in, and goes over to the table where the rest of the
group is sitting. They do not notice him at first, they are listening to KRAMER explain another one of his "brilliant ideas"
KRAMER: So anyway, I was thinking it would be really good to have a seafood restaraunt where you catch, clean, and cook
your own fish. And there could be polka music in the background. Polka music is just one thing you don't hear enough of
these days.
JERRY: I'm pretty sure we can get along without a place like that.
ELAINE: Besides, who wants to watch some fat guy play an accordion? It kind of scares me. I mean they wear those weird
little outfits.....*suddenly notices PUDDY who has been standing there all this time*.....Oh, Puddy! Hi! What's new?
PUDDY: Ah, well I just thought you should know, I just hit your little friend with my truck. You know, the short, fat, little
bald guy with the glasses?
ELAINE: You mean George?
PUDDY: Yeah, that's right.
KRAMER: Alright, well thanks for letting us know. We'll keep in touch. By the way, what do you think of a restaraunt where
you clean and cook your own fish and there's polka music in the background?
JERRY: Kramer.........
PUDDY: No, actually that sounds kinda cool. I always wanted to dress up like that.
*KRAMER yodels and does another head spasm. PUDDY joins in and they get up and dance around the coffee shop*
ELAINE: That's it, I'm leaving. Puddy, we're through.
PUDDY: Again?
ELAINE: Yes, again. Come on Jerry, lets go home and watch one of my shampoo commercials on TV. *tosses hair*
JERRY: Can't we do something else for a change?
ELAINE: Don't you start complaining. Look what happened to George.
JERRY: I could care less about George! He's an idiot!
*suddenly, out of nowhere, JERRY is attacked by a large rabid dog. DOG snarls and gnashes his teeth at JERRY and
eventually kills him. ELAINE just stands and watches*
ELAINE: Okay, so far today George has been hit by a truck which just happened to be driven by Puddy, who just happens to
like polka music. That man is an idiot. Kramer and Puddy will most likely open that stupid restaurant, put on some lederhosen,
and polka until they drop dead. Jerry has been slashed to death by some idiot dog, but at this point I could care less because
I'm so annoyed with the entire world. I think I'll go do another shampoo commercial. Bye now.
FADE OUT
I happen to think it's kinda funny. I laughed while reading it, and that's gotta be a good sign, right. The assignment, as I recall,
was to write a television script....hence all the stupid stage directions (SFX =sound effects), lol. Anyway I wrote a parody of
my favorite TV show at the time, Seinfeld. Due to numerous shampoo commercial refferences, it's a little bit dated, but I think
it's still funny. Please let me know what you think. Alrighty, here we gooooooo................
Irrelevance: A "Seinfeld" Parody
Fade in to a scene of JERRY in his apartment. He is sitting down on
the couch, eating cereal and watching TV. We are able to hear noises coming from the TV.
SFX- Door bursts open and KRAMER bursts in spasming all over the place.
KRAMER: Hello Jerry. My name is Kramer. I am seemingly unemployed, yet for some reason I am not
a homeless bum living in a box outside this apartment building. I am also old, ugly, annoying, and I often get on your nerves
by stealing your food.
JERRY: Hello Kramer. I am a middle aged, sarcastic man who has no emotion whatsoever and takes pleasure in viewing the
misfortune of others. Although I throw childish tantrums and whine for hours on end, the television audience loves this because
they are all incredibly immature themselves. Watch as I eat my fiftieth bowl of cereal today.
KRAMER: Okay, it's been a while since anything has happened, so I am going to have an involuntary spasm and fall to the floor
breaking several things on my way down. *falls and spasms. SFX*
*buzzer rings. Jerry walks over to speaker and presses a button.*
JERRY: Yeah?
GEORGE's voice is heard over the intercom: It's George
JERRY: Alright, come on up.
KRAMER: You know, you should do something about that George. He's always in here, walking around like he owns the
place! Some people have no respect for the privacy of others!
JERRY: Yeah, kinda reminds me of someone I know.
KRAMER: Really, who? Anyway, I'm serious about this Jerry. You ought to go to the government. I've got a friend who
works for the government. There's gotta be something in that constitution you can use!
*KRAMER takes a piece of fruit from a bowl on Jerry's counter and takes a huge bite*
JERRY: Uh......that's okay. Really
KRAMER: Alright, but if you ever have any trouble you just let me know.
*GEORGE enters at this point*
GEORGE: Hello Jerry. Hello Kramer. I am a short, fat, little bald man with extremely low self esteem. I never do any work
at my job, yet I am always paid because my boss always thinks I am doing top quality work. He is an idiot. I also wear glasses
that I would be blind as a bat without.
KRAMER: Speaking of glasses, there was once this guy who kept leaving his glasses in the mailbox. Now why would you
do that? It's such a stupid thing. Some people! Anyway, this guy kept leaving his glasses, and one day, when Newman was
in a bad mood, he picked them up and took them. And those are the very glasses he wears now. Now how's that for
interesting?
GEORGE: Sorry, did you say something?
JERRY: Well, what I got out of it was basically that Newman's an idiot.
GEORGE: I thought we had already established that.
*door burst open and ELAINE barges in. JERRY rolls his eyes and pours himself another bowl of cereal*
JERRY: How'd you get in?
ELAINE: Oh, the doorman let me in. He thinks I'm pretty. *tosses hair* So do I , as a matter of fact. I have a very high
opinion of my looks. I also have a different boyfriend every week, who I think should feel very privileged to date me. My
current boyfriend is named Puddy. He is incredibly dense and has a brain the size of a pea. Maybe not even that big.
*suddenly changing the topic; tosses hair again* Hey, why don't we go to the coffee shop? You would not BELIEVE how
hungry I am.
JERRY: I think I would, I've seen you eat.
KRAMER: Speaking of eating, there was once this guy..........
GEORGE: Not now, Kramer.
KRAMER: But it's a good story!
GEORGE: I don't care.
They all go out and the door slams-SFX
*CUT to a shot of the group in their usual booth. JERRY and ELAINE sit on one side, KRAMER and GEORGE on the other*
GEORGE: Why do we always have to eat here? It's pretty sad, isn't it, that coming here is basically the high point of our day.
JERRY: I wonder if you can order cereal here. I can't live without my Captain Crunch!
KRAMER: Have you ever kept a tally of how much cereal you eat every day? That could be very interesting! You might
even get in the guiness book of world records. I'm in there already you know. Five times.
ELAINE: *disbelieving* For what?
KRAMER: Well, first I was in for having the largest collection of dead fish- that's a great pastime! Then I beat my own record
and got in again. The third time, me and my friend Bob Sacamano built the larges marshmallow sculpture in history.
GEORGE: Well what about the fourth and fifth times?
KRAMER: Well, ah those were mistakes. You know what I mean? *does one of those funky head spasm thingys*
*waitress walks by*
GEORGE: Excuse me, could I have some cheesecake over here?
*waitress brings cheesecake, GEORGE picks up his fork and is about to eat when he notices JERRY eyeing the cheescake
suspiciously*
GEORGE: What?
JERRY: Nothing.
GEORGE: No, seriously, what are you looking at?
JERRY: Well........If I'm not mistaken........
GEORGE: WHAT?!
JERRY: I think there's a cockroach in your cheesecake.
ELAINE: *looks absolutely disgusted* Oh my GOD!
GEORGE: See, if we ate somewhere else for a change, this wouldn't have happened! But no, everything's always got to be
your way. Well, I'm SICK of it!
* The camera follows GEORGE as he storms out of the restaraunt. He trips on the curb and falls, sprawled in the street. His
glasses fly off and he is squinting because he can't see anything. Suddenly there is the loud sound of a truck. George looks up
and sees it coming towards him.*
GEORGE: AUGGGH!!!!!!!!!
*The truck hits GEORGE and the driver gets out. It is PUDDY*
PUDDY: Aw, man. Now I'm gonna be off schedule for the rest of the day. Oh wait, I don't HAVE a schedule. I'd better go
find somebody to take a look at this since I'm far too dense to handle it myself.
*Camera follows PUDDY as he opens the door of the coffee shop, walks in, and goes over to the table where the rest of the
group is sitting. They do not notice him at first, they are listening to KRAMER explain another one of his "brilliant ideas"
KRAMER: So anyway, I was thinking it would be really good to have a seafood restaraunt where you catch, clean, and cook
your own fish. And there could be polka music in the background. Polka music is just one thing you don't hear enough of
these days.
JERRY: I'm pretty sure we can get along without a place like that.
ELAINE: Besides, who wants to watch some fat guy play an accordion? It kind of scares me. I mean they wear those weird
little outfits.....*suddenly notices PUDDY who has been standing there all this time*.....Oh, Puddy! Hi! What's new?
PUDDY: Ah, well I just thought you should know, I just hit your little friend with my truck. You know, the short, fat, little
bald guy with the glasses?
ELAINE: You mean George?
PUDDY: Yeah, that's right.
KRAMER: Alright, well thanks for letting us know. We'll keep in touch. By the way, what do you think of a restaraunt where
you clean and cook your own fish and there's polka music in the background?
JERRY: Kramer.........
PUDDY: No, actually that sounds kinda cool. I always wanted to dress up like that.
*KRAMER yodels and does another head spasm. PUDDY joins in and they get up and dance around the coffee shop*
ELAINE: That's it, I'm leaving. Puddy, we're through.
PUDDY: Again?
ELAINE: Yes, again. Come on Jerry, lets go home and watch one of my shampoo commercials on TV. *tosses hair*
JERRY: Can't we do something else for a change?
ELAINE: Don't you start complaining. Look what happened to George.
JERRY: I could care less about George! He's an idiot!
*suddenly, out of nowhere, JERRY is attacked by a large rabid dog. DOG snarls and gnashes his teeth at JERRY and
eventually kills him. ELAINE just stands and watches*
ELAINE: Okay, so far today George has been hit by a truck which just happened to be driven by Puddy, who just happens to
like polka music. That man is an idiot. Kramer and Puddy will most likely open that stupid restaurant, put on some lederhosen,
and polka until they drop dead. Jerry has been slashed to death by some idiot dog, but at this point I could care less because
I'm so annoyed with the entire world. I think I'll go do another shampoo commercial. Bye now.
FADE OUT