"I need space."
Chloe blinks, staring at Rachel with hurt eyes as a lump begins to form in her throat. Rachel just stands there, arms crossed and expression jaded. It's all Chloe can do not to burst into tears. She sucks in a long breath, nodding. Chloe chokes out, weakly, "Fine. I get it. I'm hella clingy, aren't I?"
Rachel doesn't open her mouth to speak. She gives a curt nod.
Chloe places a hand on her hip, closes her eyes, and turns her head away. "I'm sorry," she whispers.
"I just need more time with my friends," Rachel says softly. "And more me time, ya know?" She takes Chloe's hand and slowly, gently, draws Chloe closer. Chloe can't suppress her tears any longer, so she lets them silently fall down her face. Rachel wraps her arms around Chloe's waist and presses her lips to Chloe's forehead. "Don't get me wrong, though. I really enjoy hanging out with you. We have so much fun together. I still love you," Rachel reassures. "Only you."
Chloe looks at Rachel, still helpless, still broken.
"I love you too," Chloe mumbles. "I'm really sor-"
Rachel cuts her off with a kiss. Chloe gives into her wholeheartedly.
Her Friday nights in watching movies and cuddling with Rachel on the bed are gone. Instead, Chloe lies alone on her bed, smoking weed as depressing songs roll in one after the other, letting unfathomable loneliness sink its weight onto her chest. Rachel is out with her friends, with the Vortex Club, probably getting unnecessary attention from that rich Prescott asshole or that Chase bitch. Rachel is probably high too, high with them, but not high with her, you know, the person she supposedly loves and only loves.
Chloe checks her text messages from Rachel. Earlier, Chloe had sent one out, telling Rachel to be safe and have fun with those shitty snobs. Chloe frowns. Not one reply.
She bites her lip. This is what she gets. This is what she deserves. She need to let Rachel be with other people. Even if those other people don't love her as much as Chloe does. Who say all kinds of shit behind her back. This is what Chloe gets for shutting Rachel out from everyone else. This is what she gets for not giving Rachel any room to breathe. Chloe takes another hit from her joint.
Rachel hasn't been as affectionate lately.
Maybe now that Chloe is letting Rachel be free and on her own, Rachel will be happier. And then maybe Rachel will give Chloe the love she needs.
Chloe knocks on Rachel's door. Rachel opens it, looking stunning as ever in denim shorts and her red flannel, which is only buttoned down halfway to expose her midriff. Chloe beams at the sight of her, and Rachel greets Chloe's expression with a simple smile.
"What's up?" Rachel asks.
"Step-prick is really getting on my ass," Chloe says. "Figured I could crash here for the night."
"Sure, come in." Chloe leans in for a kiss, but Rachel doesn't notice it and turns her back to step inside. Chloe feels her heart crumble, but enters the room. She plops onto Rachel's bed, leaving space for her, but Rachel sits at her desk. "Gonna be a long night," Rachel tells her. "I have a massive paper due tomorrow that I've been putting off, so now I gotta bullshit my way through five pages."
"Take a break for an hour," Chloe tells her. She pats the bed. "C'mon, Rachel. We haven't had much alone time recently."
"It's only been like, a week."
"You had time to party last night," Chloe points out bitterly. "So how about making some fucking time for me?"
"I'm trying to get a good grade in this class," Rachel asserts. "If you don't respect that, you need to leave."
For the rest of the night, Chloe lies on Rachel's bed, back turned, crying so softly that Rachel doesn't even notice. She waits patiently, waiting for Rachel to finish, waiting for Rachel to crawl into bed with her, to hold her and kiss her and tell her she loves her. Rachel finishes, but Rachel doesn't join her in bed. By the time Rachel finishes, it's six A.M. and she's hitting the showers and getting dressed.
Rachel clicks the door behind her without acknowledging Chloe, without saying a single word.
"Bye," Chloe says, and she rolls onto her back and stares at the ceiling with dead eyes.
Rachel hasn't said "I love you" in awhile.
Chloe tells Rachel that she loves her all the time. And it's not the same when Chloe says it, and Rachel responds with "I love you too." Chloe likes to hear it, she needs to hear it, initiated by Rachel. So when Chloe brings it up, Rachel musters up a "Sorry" and a tight hug. From then on, Rachel kisses her a little bit more. Rachel embraces her a little bit more. She even says "I love you" a little bit more.
But when she does, it doesn't feel quite right.
They're sitting together in Chloe's truck. Chloe's head is on Rachel's lap while Rachel runs her fingers through Chloe's hair. Chloe's eyes are closed, and she's smiling. For once, she feels content. But when she looks up, she sees that Rachel is on her phone, passively stroking Chloe's hair while texting someone else. Chloe's heart sinks. She releases a forlorn sigh.
"Rachel?" Chloe asks, feeling sheepish.
"Mmm."
"Are you…?" Chloe gulps. She has to pause, or it's going to come out in one big, sobbing heap. "Are you losing interest in me?"
Rachel puts down her phone, glancing at Chloe with a torn expression. Rachel stops stroking Chloe's hair and sighs. "I'm really trying not to," she admits slowly.
Chloe sits up, eyes puffy and chest tightened. "Is there someone else?" she asks sourly.
"No." Rachel purses her lips. "I've just been thinking."
"About what?"
"Well," Rachel begins, "it's just that I'm young. There's only so much time to enjoy my youth. I don't know if I should be tied down right now." A heavy silence takes over. Chloe's hands are trembling, and she doesn't know if she should be sick or happy when Rachel grabs them and squeezes tightly. "I do love you, Chloe," Rachel affirms. "I care about you a lot. And I don't want to see you get hurt. I'll be honest. I haven't been giving you all of my love. I've only been half-loving you. My heart hasn't been all there. And you don't deserve that, because you love so deeply, Chloe."
Chloe scowls. Tears drip out her eyes. They drip out her nose too. "Fucking shit, Rachel. We should break up then," Chloe says bluntly, and Rachel is stunned. "I can't be with someone who doesn't know if they want me or not." Chloe snatches her hands away from Rachel's grip, and stares out the windshield with her gut wrenching. She wants to vomit.
Rachel curls into a ball on the seat, burying her face into her knees. "I'm sorry, Chloe," she chokes out between sobs. "I wish I could be sure of what I want. But I don't think I'm like that. I'll never be confident of who I commit to. I'll always wonder if there's someone better. I'll always wonder if I could have more. I don't think I'm cut out for relationships."
Chloe's numb and her world is shattering, and as Rachel sobs her heart out to Chloe about her personal struggles, Chloe can't find it in her own heart to give a damn. That's when she knows for sure. It's over now.
"You're better off alone then," Chloe says apathetically, and Rachel cries and then she leaves.
Two weeks later, Rachel sends Chloe a text about how she's met someone who has changed her life. Chloe throws her phone across the room but it doesn't break. Two weeks ago, Rachel had still assured Chloe that she loves her. Two weeks ago, Rachel had said she isn't "cut out for relationships." And yeah, they're broken up, but Chloe hadn't expected Rachel to move on this quickly.
Perhaps Rachel didn't love her at all. Perhaps Rachel lied. Lied about her feelings. Lied about everything.
Or perhaps Rachel loved her, but not in the same way Chloe loved, and still loves, Rachel. Chloe's not sure which one hurts more.
She glosses over the text message with scorned eyes and a scorned heart. Chloe sends one reply and then deletes Rachel's number from her phone:
hook up with whoever you want. it doesn't matter. you'll always be alone
Rachel dies alone.
Fin.