The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is still in a coma. Just some more musings about what happened during those first three months Archer was in a coma from my tiny brain. Takes place during my fic Woe Betide the Figgis Agency.
Afternoon In The Park With AJ
"Thanks for coming with us guys," Lana said as she pushed AJ's stroller through a park. Ray and Pam were with them. "Pam do not say phrasing or that other saying you like!"
"On my…" Pam began.
"PAM!" Ray and Lana snapped.
"Blankie," Pam rolled her eyes. "Fine. I'll keep it G-ish rated for AJ."
"G-ish?" Ray asked.
"G, PG-13," Pam shrugged. "Maybe a little PG? Who knows?"
"For her that is a major concession," Ray admitted to Lana. "Anyway at least it's a good excuse to get out of the office."
"Before Krieger and his new little playmate destroys it," Lana groaned. "I don't know how much longer I can go on like this."
"Well if you want I can push the stroller for a bit," Pam offered.
"Not the stroller," Lana said. "But if you're offering…"
"I got it!" Pam took the stroller. "Okay AJ? You ready to roll with your Aunt Pam?"
"YEAH!" AJ squealed with delight.
"VROOOOOOM!" Pam started running around with the stroller, pushing as fast as she could. AJ squealed.
"YAAAAYYYY!" AJ howled with delight.
"It's good that the kids play so nicely with each other," Ray quipped as he and Lana sat on a nearby bench.
"I'm glad AJ is having some good memories of this time," Lana said as Pam tooled around the park pushing AJ like a maniac. "Who knows? We may not have that many more in this city."
"You're not seriously thinking of moving back in with your parents, are you?" Ray asked.
"Well let's just say I'm keeping that as a backup plan," Lana admitted. "In case AJ gets expelled again from County Day. And/or this detective agency falls through."
"Which honestly it looks like it might," Ray sighed. "What about Archer?"
"What about him?" Lana asked. "What am I supposed to do Ray? Just sit by his side all the time and wait for him to wake up? I have a child to raise. I can't afford to just waste time waiting for him to come to his senses. Literally and figuratively."
"I can't say I blame you," Ray shrugged. "Look don't do anything drastic yet. Things might get better. For all we know Archer could wake up any day now."
"I have a feeling it's going to be longer than that," Lana sighed.
"You can't feel guilty for trying to move on with your life," Ray told her. "You know that right?"
"I know," Lana sighed. "But part of me does."
"And the other part?"
"Thinks Archer got exactly what was coming to him for how he treated me," Lana admitted. "Then again our relationship has always been complicated."
"That's an interesting way of putting it," Ray admitted.
"I still miss the bastard," Lana sighed. "I love him. And yet I hate him. How weird is that?"
"Considering your history not that hard to understand," Ray shrugged.
"I just feel like I'm stuck here in limbo until Archer wakes up," Lana admitted. "I know we're technically on break but…I'm just so frustrated and confused. Does Archer still want to be with me? Did Archer ever really want to marry me? Why the hell did the robot have to propose before he did? Seriously?"
"Didn't he technically propose to you already?" Ray asked. "And you turned him down?"
"I didn't think he was being serious!" Lana protested. "You know Archer! Says crazy things during the worst times. Five minutes later, he realizes reality is too much for him and he tries to weasel out of it. Or neglects his responsibilities."
"I remember the lemur," Ray sighed. "So, I know what you're talking about."
"Told him it was a bad idea to have it for a pet," Lana groaned.
"Kind of sad how it ended," Ray said. "Archer had to go all Old Yeller on it after it started attacking the tenants in his apartment building. The fifth time anyway. Or was it the sixth? I lost count."
"It wouldn't have gone crazy if Archer didn't leave it alone with a heroin addict that got it addicted to heroin as well," Lana groaned.
"Honestly Lana there are days I marvel on how Archer survived his childhood," Ray admitted. "Speaking of which any word on Woodhouse?"
"Nope. No one has any idea where he is or what happened to him," Lana sighed.
"Considering we work at a detective agency that's not encouraging," Ray admitted. "You know you've got me and Pam in your corner right?"
"I know," Lana smiled. "I don't know how I would have done without you guys. Even Mallory is some comfort. Krieger, Cheryl and Cyril…Not so much but…"
"VAARRRROOOMM!" Pam whooped as she pushed AJ's stroller around as fast as she could. "And on the outside, it's AJ Andretti coming up! She's in the lead! VRROOM!"
"VROOOM!" AJ whooped.
"VRRRRORROOM! IT'S AJ ANDRETTI BY A MILE!" Pam yelled as she tore the stroller around the park.
"YAAAYYY!" AJ cheered.
"She'll be nice and hyper for a while," Lana groaned.
"So will AJ," Ray quipped.
"DANGER ZONE!" AJ chirped as Pam rolled over some flowers.
"Oh God she's turning into her father," Lana groaned.
"You really did not think this through when you had her didn't you?" Ray laughed.
"And the crowd goes wild!" Pam said as she pulled AJ up to the others, making cheering crowd sounds. "YAY!"
"YAY!" AJ cheered.
"Yay for AJ," Lana smiled as she bent down to release AJ from her stroller. "You having a good time huh?"
"Yeah…" AJ grinned as Lana picked her up.
That's when Lana heard clicking sounds. She turned her head in the direction of them. At first she was afraid they were gun noises.
"What the hell…?" Lana turned and saw a man in the bushes with a camera taking pictures at them. "What are you doing?"
"Come on sweetheart," The man said. "Got some great shots of you and the kid!"
"Why would anyone take pictures of you and A…?" Pam began before realization hit her.
"Dukes!" Ray realized the same thing.
"What?" Lana asked. "Why would…?"
Then it hit her.
"Put that damn camera down before…" Lana growled as she made a fist.
Before she could do anything though Ray used his super speed to run to the photographer and used his bionic arm to hold him high against a tree. "You really shouldn't take pictures of children that aren't yours without express permission of the parents," He said simply.
"Let go of me!" The man struggled to get away but couldn't. "Jesus what are you? Some kind of Super Man?"
"Technically more like Cyborg," Pam quipped. "You know from Teen Titans. Of course, in Ray's case it's more like Queen Titans."
"You know?" Ray gave Pam a look.
"What the hell is the matter with you?" Lana barked as she held AJ closer to her.
"Hey a picture of the kid and the baby mama of the guy that got offed by Veronica Deane is probably worth a few bucks," The photographer squirmed. "Put me down! You can't do this to me!"
"Well you say that…" Ray said casually.
"Put me down! Put me down!" The photographer struggled but couldn't fight Ray's robotic hand.
"Excuse us please," Ray said politely. "Pam, if you'd join me?"
"With pleasure," Pam grinned.
Then Ray used his super speed to run into a secluded area of the woods. Pam grinned and casually followed him whistling.
"I don't want to know," Lana groaned. "I don't want to know what they are going to do."
"Where they go?" AJ blinked.
"Oh, you know your Aunt Pam and Uncle Ray," Lana sighed she put AJ down. "They just keep making friends everywhere. Oh look. A rocking horse. Let's ride that. Huh AJ?"
"OK!" AJ squealed.
For a few minutes, AJ happily rode the rocking horse while Lana watched. She also watched for the police just in case. Suddenly the photographer sans camera ran out of the bushes as if he had seen a ghost. He ran far away whimpering.
Ray and Pam casually sauntered out of the bushes quite pleased with themselves. Pam had the photographer's camera and took a picture of AJ on the horse. "I just got a new camera," Pam grinned. "Sweet!"
"Do I even want to know what you two did?" Lana groaned.
"We didn't do that much really," Ray shrugged. "Just talked to him. A nice polite conversation."
"A very nice polite conversation," Pam grinned. "Where we expressed our concern about exploiting an innocent child for personal gain."
"Yeah that's Ms. Archer's angle," Ray quipped. "We just let him know what would happen if he continued to harass you or AJ. And what the consequences would be."
"Very descriptive consequences," Pam had a very wide grin. "And we told him to tell all his little photographer buddies what would happen to them. So I don't think we're going to have much of a problem with paparazzi in the future."
"Thanks guys," Lana sighed as she picked AJ up.
"Our pleasure," Pam said. "And I got a free camera!"
"What kind of asshole stalks a kid just because she's related to…?" Lana fumed.
"Don't worry," Ray waved. "We took care of it."
"Yeah that guy is definitely not going to go near you or AJ anymore," Pam grinned. "By the way you just said asshole."
"Oh shh…" Lana realized as she looked at AJ. "Sugar."
"Asshole," AJ grinned. "Asshole. What's an asshole?"
"Ray you want to field this one?" Pam quipped.
"Okay AJ honey," Ray sighed. "Let's play a game. It's called Don't Say the Word. If you go a whole day without saying the word asshole, starting right now I will buy you some ice cream. Got it?"
"YAY!" AJ nodded. "OK!"
"That goes for Mommy too," Ray gave Lana a look. "And Pam. And me. Dukes."
"Dukes!" AJ repeated.
"Yes you can say that," Lana snickered.
"Dukes! Dukes! Dukes!" AJ sang.
"Okay Abbiejean," Lana sighed as she put AJ in her stroller. "Why don't we move along before the police arrive?"
They walked away, Pam pushing AJ's stroller. "You okay?" Ray asked Lana.
"I'm fine," Lana sighed as she put her arm around Ray's shoulder for a half hug. "I've got my family right here, don't I?"
"As Cheryl would say: Duh!" Pam snorted.
"Well let's see," Ray drawled. "So far we played hooky from work. Damaged some park flowers. Threatened a photographer and stole his camera. Taught AJ some swear words."
"Admittedly one she can say in public," Lana conceded.
"We're having a productive day," Pam quipped.
"If we have any more productive days like this we might need some lawyers," Ray groaned.