It's been exactly nine days since we left the last town. Three since we arrived home. But it feels like I've lived through all of my past lives again since the last time I've seen Ian.
I didn't speak the whole ride home, and no one tried to. Not even Melanie.
I know Jared must have beat himself up for it, but it doesn't affect me. He must think he's the reason Ian was taken. Not really, though. It was mine.
The pod of humans, different from the group who had Burns, attacked us and took him prisoner. We all knew in the back of our minds that the reason they attacked was me. They weren't very happy I went native- saw me as untrustworthy.
I remember the scene as clearly as Melanie's memories were played back to me. Except this was more painful.
"What the hell is this?" Someone shouted, pointing at me but looking at Jared. "A couple of parasite-loving humans, are you?"
"They're traitors, Zach," muttered a man in the darkness.
"Traitors need to be taught a lesson," The one who shouted- Zach- growled.
"It's not what you think," Jared reasoned in his even tone. Zach lunged at him, connecting fist and face.
"Hey!" Ian barked, and walked towards the other. I grabbed Ian's arm, but he shook it off, his jaw clenched. While Jared was stunned by the blow, Zach grabbed the gun and shot towards me. Either he had very bad aim or I ducked fast enough, because the bullet missed my head and hit the car. "Wanda!" Ian yelled, his arms pinned behind his back.
"Shit," Jared muttered, noticing the silver cars speeding towards us that could only belong to Seekers. I was dumb-founded, mouth open and eyes only on Ian. Zach backed up towards his vehicle, gun trained on Jared. The other men followed him, getting into the car and starting it.
"Ian," I croaked, tears swelling up in my eyes. I watched them drive away, Ian still in their custody. Melanie took my hand and lead me towards the van- the Seekers were coming for us.
I blinked the memory away, feeling the hole widen in my chest. Sitting in the hole where I was kept in before should hurt this fragile body, but I don't feel it. Ian's face is burned onto my eyelids, appearing whenever I close my eyes.
Chills go down my spine and I feel a sense of longing, my body cold and waiting for the warmth only Ian is able to provide.
"Wanda?" Jamie's voice rings throughout the cave. "I know you're in there," he says louder. I respond with a sniffle and don't stop the tears that roll down my cheeks. "Oh, Wanda," he moans when he shines the light on my face. I can picture what I look like- tears streaking the purple cave dust and hair matted against my head, just like when I came here. Except this time I'm in a different body, one that looks odd without Ian at my side. "Wanda," he whispers quietly. "He'll be all right... Jared'll get him back, I'm sure of it." I shut my eyes tightly and will the tears to stop.
I know he's trying to help me. Everyone knows what it's like to lose someone, even Jamie. So young and innocent, he shouldn't have had to go through that.
"Will you please eat, Wanda?" He begs. "Please?" I get up and offer him my hand. Jamie wants to put me back together, so I let him.
When we reach the kitchen, everyone grows quiet and stares. I look at the ground and keep walking- I don't want their sympathy. "I'll get you a plate, you go sit with Jared and Mel, okay?" I nod and slowly make my way towards the table we all shared when everything seemed right.
Melanie starts to open her mouth and I hear the breath that comes before someone is about to say something. Glancing away, I take the seat next to her and she closes her mouth, looking at Jared. We sit there in silence waiting for Jamie to come back. When he shows up with my food, I give him a small smile.
I eat, but it has no taste to me. It's fresh from our raid, we were only able to go to two towns- I know Jared didn't want to ask me to raid again after what happened.
Jamie tried attempting conversation, but it was helpless. He knew that it was a bad idea bringing me here for people to look at with worried and concerned eyes.
I don't speak during the meal, I have no motivation to. I got up and left once Jamie was done; he offered to come back with me but I just shook my head- a silent no.
My mind was restless in the small cave, thinking only of Ian. Exhaustion took over but I woke within a few hours, my throat burning. I must have been screaming. Even though I rested, I still felt tired. A heavy feeling spread throughout my limbs, I wondered if this is was death feels like.
My nightmares were filled with brutal humans using methods of torture on my Ian, hurting him over and over again.
I could barely make out low breathing. Jamie must have came back here when he was done eating. I brushed Jamie's hair away from his face, he looks like an angel.
I hear footsteps far down the tunnel and see a faint light coming closer. I don't acknowledge this until he shines the light into my cave, making sure I was there.
"Wanda," Jared says, his voice rough."There were screams," he whispers, "I thought something was happening. Are you okay?"
No, but I nodded my head anyways. I squeeze my eyes shut, begging the tears not to spill over.
"You were screaming..." his voice trails off. I stayed silent. "I knew you weren't going to talk to me," he mutters. "Do me a favor, Wanda. Take care of Mel." She doesn't need to be taken care of. She's strong. She couldn't possibly be as broken down about this as I am.
I wake again to panicked voices, Melanie and Jamie, talking outside of my cave. Immediately I sit up and start towards them.
"Morning," Jamie says cautiously. "Are you hungry?" Jamie asked. I shook my head but kept my eyes on Mel. Jamie glanced up at Melanie and nodded.
"Jared's gone," Melanie breathed. "And we thought it might be another raid, you know, but why wouldn't he take me? Why would he leave both you and Sunny here? Brandt and Aaron are gone, too. Jeb won't tell me where they went. I wasn't even supposed to tell you what I know."
My mouth hung open. He went back for Ian, I'm sure of it. That's why he told me to take care of Mel, in case he won't be coming back.
Fear, anxiety, longing, and guilt churn in my stomach. Jared's going to risk his life to bring back Ian. I should feel bad, he's doing it mostly for me, but that feeling is pushed down by excitement and nervousness. Ian will be here; safe, happy, with me.
I'm conflicted, Jared's away and risking his life, but Ian might be coming home. I feel fear for Jared but longing for Ian. They battle inside of me.
Jamie and I lock eyes. He nows Jared went back for Ian. He was the one who predicted it, after all.
"Oh," Melanie breathes. She's figured it out, too. "Oh, no." She slumps against the wall and sits there with her head in her hands. Jamie puts an arm around her shoulder.
Relief floods through me and a weight lifts off my chest. I fall back asleep, exhausted from sleepless nights filled with sobbing. The cave isn't very comfortable, but I manage to curl up and get rest anyways. It gets hot quickly in the dark tunnels, so I wake covered in sweat.
Melanie and Jamie must have gone back: they're not here. I don't want to face everyone, they'll be as conflicted as I am. It will be my fault if Jared doesn't come back, like it it's my fault Ian didn't.
I shut down, my knees tucked into my chest, my head resting on them, and my arms covering my head. This position is one I've been in a lot since my early days in the caves.
"You awake?" Jeb's voice is low. He turns on the lantern and brings it closer, filling my small cave with light. I nod.
"I have a feeling Mel told you," he sighs. "You can't blame yourself, Wanda. These things just happen. It's nobody's fault." I stayed silent and wide-eyed. "They'll come back. All of them." He sounded so sure. My stomach made angry noises. "I'll go get you some food," Jeb offered. I open my mouth in protest but he had already turned his back and started walking down the tunnel, taking the light with him.
At some point I must have fell asleep again. My eyes flew open to a dim blue light. Jeb must have saw me asleep and left, leaving a tray and the lantern down here. I slowly picked at the roll, knowing I'd have to go see the others soon.
When I finish my food, I grab the tray and lantern. I turn out the light, feeling my way back to the kitchen.
I catch bits of conversation in the crowded room:
"She's been silent for days." A whisper from Melanie.
"Except for the screams, that is." Maggie's harsh voice filled with unfamiliar kindness.
"It's a miracle she eats." Doc's low mutter.
I keep my eyes down and set the tray in the pile. For a moment, my eyes flick up. I see Ian staring at me from across the room. Except it isn't him.
It couldn't possibly be him, Ian's nose is perfectly straight and this one is bruised and crooked. Ian doesn't have a black eye or split lip, yet the man standing before me does.
Ian walks towards me, looking at the floor. I reach out and touch the scrape above his eyebrow and he winces.
"What did they do to you?" My voice is barely above a whisper but still hoarse and scratchy. The first words I've said for weeks. My nightmares were true, they had tortured my Ian. For a few moments he's silent, still looking at the floor. Surely just a few days ago he'd thought he would never see me again.
He takes my hands and leads me out of the kitchen and down into a tunnel. "What did they do?" My voice is harder now, but thick with tears.
"Wanda," Ian whispers before he leans down to kiss me. We almost lost each other. I bring my hands up to his neck and then to his shoulders. He winces at my touch.
"What did they do?" I repeat, demanding and answer. Instead of telling me, he takes off his shirt. At first I'm confused, but then I understand. He's showing me the damage.
I cover my mouth with my hand when I see it. A thousand little red marks down his back, across his shoulders, on his arms.
I've known all about the methods of torture humans use, for finding out information or simply just because they can.
"Why?" I whisper. Tears swarm in my eyes blurring my vision. If humanity is already going extinct, then why kill more?
Ian only shakes his head. His blue eyes have hardened, I can't imagine a smile looking natural with the new lines on his face.
Hysteria swells up inside me, making me want to laugh or scream or cry. My breaths come short and desperate, hands shaking and mind racing.
A high pitched and unsure voice comes out of me. "You're here now, you're fine. Safe. We're both safe. We're together."
I knew the days with the other human resistance have changed him. Maybe the Souls were right about one thing: Humans are brutal and violent. "No one can be safe in this world now," Ian whispers back to me.
Thank you for reading! I love getting comments and feedback and reviews, so please tell me what you thought of it. :) I know I could've made this a continuing fic, but I usually only stick to one shots, sorry.