Gather round boys and girls and let me tell you a story about a totally awesome prince(ss) named Preußen weiß (Prussia White, or Gilbert for short because it's awesome). Once Upon a time, as the story goes, the princess had a loving family. He was the Eldest of several brothers. One day, he was separated from his rather large family and forced to live in a very cold place called Russia where he was treated like a servant in the care of the filthy communist king Ivan and the kinda snarky Queen Arthur. Often times Ivan would send the Queen and his ward, the princess, to Europe so that he could spend time with his Chinese mistress, Yao (who was also a filthy communist). The Queen And PreuBen WeiB quite liked being sent to the castle in the west for, you see, it was much warmer there and much more relaxed.
One day, as the story continues, The Queen and PreuBen weiB were staying in the castle to the west when the Queen asked his companion to draw some water from the well outside and wash the steps. When PreuBen WeiB leaned in, he noticed his reflection and smiled. "Man," he said to his reflection, "don't we look awesome today? I'm sure you'd like to sing a song for us right?" He started to sing as he drew the water. "Kann ich liebte heute sein? Natürlich, denn ich bin genial!" (can i be loved today? Of course, because i'm awesome.) His refection nodded in agreement and the princess begain to slack off in his work to sing his praises and secretly the praises of someone he had never met...
...But would quite soon. Riding up along side the castle wall was a runaway aristocrat attempting to escape an unwanted marriage. Both he and his horse were exhausted so the took refuge in a shade tree near where our princess was singing marrily. „Es ist durchaus ein Wunder, dass meine awesomeness unentdeckt geht." (it is quite a wonder that my awesomeness goes undiscovered.) It was quiet a song really. The young aristocrat was a little annoyed by how loudly the other was singing so he thought to tell him off. As he approached the gate, he noticed that the boy was wearing a dress. He was disturbed.
„Hallo!" PreuBen WeiB called from the well. He had now forgotten his orriginal task. „Come to hear some more of my awesome song?" He smiled stupidly.
The Aristocrat suddenly felt very sorry for the young man in the dress. There didn't seem to be anyone around and he was wearing a dress. Maybe he was lonely and had been drivin into stupidity from the loneliness. „No, i'm a...traveler, i was just resting outside the gate and was wondering who was making such a noise."
The Boy laughed. „Where are you traveling to?" He didn't really care or anything, it just seemed like the thing to ask to shoot the Breeze.
The Aristocrat tried to think. Where would one one want to travel? Where would he be safe from his arranged marriage. „i'm thinking about traveling to Stockholm." In Stockholm he could claim he had fallen in love with a turtle and thus, avoid his lunitic bride to be.
„What are you gay or something?" PreuBen WeiB asked.
„NO! I-I just think that i can sell much more there." He said with pinked cheaks. PreuBen WeiB nodded.
„Don't leave too soon. We don't usually get visitors. Oh, but i can't buy anything from you. I haven't any money." He seemed troubled. Obviously if this merchant wanted to sell alot, he shouldn't be waisting his time out here in the middle of nowhere! The aristocrat chuckled. He said that he wasn't thinking of leaving the area so soon because it was peaceful, even given the rukus the other boy was making. The two talked a long time about different things and soon the Aristocrat didn't want to leave. It was getting rather late though so he offered to come back the next day. PruBen WieB said good by to the stranger because, i mean what could possibly go wring between now and tomorrow right?
As the man left, a woman appeared carrying a frying pan. „Hallo!" the princess called to her! „can i help you?"
The woman smiled prettily. „I was called by your father to be your governess."
„but i'm several hundred years old. I didn't think i needed a governess... wait... i didn't even know i had a father! Who are you?" and soon the world went black for our poor WeiB lamb!
All night the aristocrat thought about the friend he had made; his blond hair and wine eyes captivated his thoughts.
PreuBen WieB woke up in a small cottage surrounded by small, beautiful men known fondly as „shotas" .
„Duuuuuuuuude! She's awake!" said one.
„Poor peitet chou! She was all alone in ze wildernes!" said another.
„I wonder if she is hungry." Said another.
„Let's feed her tomatos!" said yet another.
„stupid! Those are mine" said yet another!
„ve~! So pretty! Pretty pretty Ve~!"
„..." that one was silent. PreuBen WieB sat up. Seven men. Well this was a first.
„Good morning sleepy head!" said the happy one. „are you ok?"
„Madimoselle you appear to be lost but i find i'm the one in need of a map."
„why is that Francis-shota?" asked the tomato baring one.
„I seem to be getting lost in her eyes!"
„i'm not a woman!" PrueBe WieB said flatly, almost a little disgusted.
All but three of the shotas Immideatly cleared out. „Like, we'll come back after we found a real woman." The rude blonde said. This left Francis-shota (who still thought that the princess was cute even if he had a penis), Lovino-shota (who was too poor to go anywhere else) and Antonio-Shota (who stayed because his lovi was staying).
„How long was i out for?" PreuBen WieB asked rubbing his throbbing head.
„About two days." Said Antonio-shota matter of factually. „where are you from anyway?"
„I was staying in a Palace near England. Can you tell me how to get there from here?" He asked hopefully. Maybe if he hadn't been drug too far he might be able to be back in time to say goodbye to the merchant before he left for Stockholm!
"Where's that?" asked Lovino-shota, taking a bite of a tomato
"There's no palace for miles around mon, cher. We're in the middle of a forest."
"fich." (fuck)
The Aristocrat showed up to the castle the next day to find it empty and abandoned "where'd he go?"
"hello? Bloody hell my head hurts." came a voice from inside.The Aristocrat flinched.
"Who's here?" He called, putting his hand to his sword, maybe there was some danger afoot. Something didn't feel right.
"The queen of this god damned castle, who else?" Arthur stumbled into the court yard.
"Oh" he relaxed his grip. "I'm terribly sorry. Have you seen a little maid anywhere around? Light, light blonde hair and dark deep red eyes?"
"My step-child? Gilbert? And what's with the description? Are you a homo?"
"Yes that's him I believe! Wait you're his his... why would you make him a maid? AND I'M NOT GAY I'M JUST OBSERVANT!"
"Well, he isn't a maid really, the king was very insistent that he be dressed up like that. I just decided to make it a habit." Arthur thought the dress was an appropriate torture for PrueBen WieB making his life a living hell
"Oh. He never said anything about royalty...one question though"
"Yes?"
The Aristocrat raised one eyebrow. "Why are you wearing a dress as well?"
"Well" Arthur blushed. "A shota once said it looked pretty on me."
"o-oh" that was more info than he needed to know. "Where's your son?"
"I don't know. Some crazy woman came in and smacked me over the head with a frying pan. I haven't seen them since but my mirror says that the woman kidnapped him."
"Did you say frying pan.. and kidnapped? Ask that mirror where he is then!" They went upstairs to where a beautiful mirror hung on the wall. A blonde boy in a skirt sat inside it on a chair.
"Like, i tried to track him but the gps totally doesn't work in the forest." the mirror said with a laugh. "Dude, you should totally see your face right now! Priceless!"
"FOREST? Oh man! We have to go find him!" The Aristocrat sounded very alarmed.
"Wow! like chill, he's fine... probably...what do you have the hots?"
"He most likely does." The queen said with a smirk.
"I most certainly do not for the last time!" he huffed. "I just don't want him to be lonely or lost or scared or hurt..."
"Because you'd be lost without him?" smiled Arthur. "what a homo!"
"N-no! He's just kind of dumb and Pathetic and... wait, why am I even explaining this to you. We have to save him."
"I can't leave the castle unguarded." the queen said sadly. He missed his little wart. um. ward.
"Then I'll bring him back. It was a pleasure to meet you your Majesty." He gave a formal bow. He didn't want to be rude in someone else's castle.
"Good bye and good luck, your highness."
The Aristocrat looked confused. "How did you-"
"You're very noble. You have to be a prince or something!"
"O-oh." he nodded and turned away, "I'm off then."
"Like he has a nice butt doesn't he?"
The queen giggled "Indeed he does ol chap."
PrueBen WieB looked around the shota's cottage. "hm. this place is actually really clean." Gilbert (they called him that because it was much easier to say than PreuBen WieB) noticed. "That's really lame! I wanted to do some snooping."
"Yup well Kiku-shota did alway clean it but i guess since he's gone.." antoni-oshota looked around. "the foods good too- oh wait- no, we stiill have Francis."
"you forgot i was here?" francis-shota sighed
"Stupid tomato freak" Lovino-shota punched him
"Well I'm not very good at cleaning but I'll help if you feed me!" Gilbert said with a funny smile.
"Sounds like a deal!" Antonio-shota reached out his tiny hand.
The four of them began to cook and clean; Gilbert's mind wondering to the merchant. He wondered if they could salvage their friendship even if he was severely late in meeting with him. Or if they would ever meet again. He frowned.
"Are you okay?" asked Francis-shota pulling on the hem of Gilbert's dress. Gilbert smiled softly and put the shota on his lap.
"Kusesese. Just thinking."
"About what?"
"a friend of mine." Gilbert looked out the window.
"A friend?" asked Antonio-shota.
"Is she cute?" asked Francis-shota.
"It's a he!" Gilbert's face got a little red. How embarrassing! He should be thinking about a girl. Too bad he didn't really know any.
"Oh so you're a fag" smirked Lovino-shota.
"ah mi amor, you're being rude."
"Is he THAT kind of friend?" Francis-shota asked.
Gilbert laughed "I only met him a few days ago! Besides, I'm not gay!"
"What's he like?" Antonio-shota pulled at his leg smiling.
Gilbert contemplated this. "He's honest looking and manly. He's really polite but he also looks like he needs a friend."
"Que lindo~!" Antonio-shota laughed.
"He's probably mad at the awesome me." Gilbert laughed ruefully. "Oh well. he was a traveler anyway, i probably wouldn't see him again."
"Avoir la foi. (have faith) if you wish hard enough, you'll see him again." Francis-shota pat him on the shoulder.
"'a dream is a wish your heart makes?' isn't that a different fairy tale?" Gilbert blinked and then smiled. "ah well. what do you guys do for fun around here?"
meanwhile...
The aristocrat was in search of his...yes, just exactly was Gilbert to him? He knew it'd be easier not to think about it. He had walked through the forest all day and had not found one trace of the boy.
Hungary, after bludgeoning Arthur again, asked the mirror if anything now stood in her way of marrying her intended husband, the young Aristocrat, Roderich.
"Like, Gilbert's totally not dead. Yeah you like, didn't finish him off." the mirror laughed "everyone keeps making hilarious faces today, if only I had like a camera or like a mirr- oh that's funny"
"Where is he now?" Hungary Demanded.
"Like, totally hangin' out with some pint sized babes!" Poland flipped his hair. "Oh but like Rodrich'll find him soon! He's, like, really close!"
"DIRECTIONS. NOW."
"Like i told that babe Rodrich, i can't like, track him. He's all gone from gps and junk." Poland said rubbing his temples. "It is a totally bitchin forest babe."
"I think I should get Torres and explain the whole mirror business and how you've been whoring yourself out to everyone today"
"like el oh el can I be there when you tell him?" Poland said. Hungary knew she had to take care of Gilbert once and for all, but it was a little hard to do if she didn't know where he was. "OH! like i can tell you Gilbert's in a little shack with some shotas. if you know the place that should like totally help you."
And for plot reasons, she did. And for moar plot reasons, she got there before Roderich. She diguised herself and knocked on the door. and for even more plot reasons the shotas had run down the river to dig up their Jumanji board, leaving Gilbert all alone to sing about how awesome he was.
"Is anyone home?" she called into the window.
Gilbert got up and sauntered over to the door. "The awesome me is!"
Hungary grimaced. "oh good, someone so totally awesome is here! can you help me young sir?"
"You knew i was a guy!" Gilbert was so very happy to finally have someone recognize his manliness. (He was feeling very emasculate in that dress)
"Yes! i can tell by your many physique and your shear awesomeness that you are a man.~" she giggled 'i want ti kill you soo bad' "anyway back to my problem.~"'
Gilbert came out and scrunched his face. "Hey! you're the crazy bitch that tried to kill me!"
"No I'm not! Here! Take this apple!"
"Apple?" He examined the apple "But it's red i like green!"
"Just take it you manly (idoitic) cute (you know that dress makes you look like a cow) stud you!~"
"Mkay i guess. Hey it isn't poison is it?" gilbert laughed.
"no~" she giggled back 'what a dipshit. now eat it and die so i can be blissfully married. '
Gilbert smiled. "So you want any? I could get a knife and-"
"No, that was my problem! I had too many and I needed someone to eat the last one."
"Oh! Well, that's really too bad." Gilbert sighed. After a moment he put the apple to his mouth. "Did you grow these apples?"
Hungary felt teased. "No I bought them and I don't want to waste money. German apples are expensive"
"They really are. That's because they're awesome like me!"
"Just eat the apple sweetie." She said forcing a smile.
"Oh! Right!" He finally bit down on the apple. "Wow! This is really...hold on... I feel kinda like I'm dying..."
She ripped off the useless disguise "Good bitch. Do know how hard it is to kill you?"
"That's because... i'm awesome." and the precious princess went limp.
Before Hungary left, she kicked the body, took his wallet, kicked it again, drew a moustache on his face, kicked him thrice, and hell, kicked him again. She then left to get ready for Roderich to come back home so she could be his rebound. The shotas had returned first to find the dead PreuBen WeiB. They checked his body for the wallet, when they found it was gone, they felt guilty for looking and wiped the marker off his face.
"This is our fault." Antonio-shota began to cry. He clung to the crying Lovino-shota.
"They beat me to his walllet!" To other cried into Antonio-shota."We've got to hide the body now! Do you know how difficult it is for three small boys to lift a dead man body?"
"We need to find someone bigger!" cried Antonio-shota. They all agreed and dragged Gilbert to a shade tree and went to find someone to help burry the body.
Meanwhile, once again for plot reasons, they ran into Roderich.
"You're really big!" Lovino-shota noticed.
"And cute!" Francis-shota noticed. The other two shotas stared at him. "what! regardez cette crosse! (look at that butt!)"
They stared. "Our slave is dead and we have to move the body. All you can think about is this man's ass? You're a small boy!" Lovino-shota said still staring.
"But I'm ALL boy non?" Francis winked.
"Um can you help us out?" asked the third shota not paying attention to the other two
Roderich's brow crinkled. This would be troublesome. "ah, s-sure."
The four walked toward the house, it was still a long walk. Rodrich started up a conversation. "So slave huh?
"yes, he did some of the cleaning and kinda cooking only cause we can't reach the stove much." said Lovino-shota trying to shake off Antonio-shota.
"He?"
"Yeah. Hombre esclavo." nodded Lovino-shota.
"Oh. um. how did he become your slave." Rodrich was starting to feel bad for the guy.
"He woke up in our bed.~" Antonio-shota had a strong grasp on Lovino-shota.
"YOU MAKE IT SOUND WRONG! CHIGI!" he headbutted the shota.
"Yeah. Poor thing. He had someone he cared a lot for too" Francis-shota sighed.
"Did he?" Rodrich got a little nervous thinking of Gilbert for a moment. "Did he say who it was?"
"Nope. Now that i think about it... he didn't." Antonio-shota pondered loudly.
"Well then how do you know he cared about him?"
"um.. he said alot of pretty words about him!~ and he was sighing about him just this morning." Antonioshota tapped gently on his own head as if to help him think harder. "We told him to have faith!~ they'd meet- a-a" he began to cry.
"What's wrong?" Rodrich asked alarmed. The rest of the shotas started to cry too.
"T-they'll never meet again. Chigi!" Lovino-shota grabbed onto Antonio-shota.
"He's never going to see us either! It's all our faults" Francis-shota also grabbed onto Antonio-shota.
Roderich patted them on the heads to calm them. It was a very sad story. "Well nothing is ever certain. There's always heaven." Roderich offered.
They looked at one another. "t-they'll never meet again. Chigi!"
"he's never going to see us either! it's all our faults"
"he was kinda wierd."
"but sincere!~"
"and had a nice ass." The other two looked at Francis-shota
"he was a good guy i guess.." Lovino-shota sighed. "Dumb, but good."
"how did he die?"
"eh heh heh... .we... kinde missed that part of the story..."
"hmm. well what else can you tell me about him?" To the aristocrat, getting the story straight seemed like the right thing to do.
"he was a fag" input Lovino-shota
"what he means is he had an intresting... habit..."
"fag habit"
"habit?" He asked. instantly sorry he had. He could see the shota's home now though so the story would be a short one.
"he was a cross dresser" said Francis-shota as they reached the door of the home
"a faggy crossdresser"
Rodrich stopped. he couldn't move. his heart pounded. "What did he look like?" he asked. His usually composed voice was strange.
"well he had light light blonde hair and deep deep red eyes" said Antonio.
"and he always had this look on his face like he was hot shit" said Lovino-shota.
"and he had a nice ass" interjected Francisshota
Roderich slumped to his knees. "no."
"yes he did" said Francis-shota. The other two punched him.
"don't tell me-" Lovino-shota looked horrified. "This is all our damn fault! We HAD to get the Jumanji board! I told you guys it was satanic!"
Roderich didn't know what to do now. His fears had been realized.
"i-i'm so sorry" they each said.
Roderich gave a small howl as if something ripped his body in half slowly. He was in such pain. He had fallen in love with the strange boy that had been singing so stupidly and so loudly and now- Roderich cried for the first time in his whole life probably.
"He's over there." one of them said. He felt himself stumble over to where the body was. Gilbert looked so peaceful. Like he was just sleeping. His face looked rosy and full of life. his lips were a perfect pink. He knelt down by the body and put his face inches from gilbert's. forhead to forhead. "You're going to go to heaven, i'll see you there meine Liebe." he looked once more at his sweet face and leaned in to kiss him for the first and last time.
He felt an arm grab around his neck and a response. "Morgen Sonnenschein." the princess smiled.
Rodrich was shocked. "Y-you're alive! i-I thought you were dead!"
'I was dead. I was sitting in a waiting room arguing with the receptionist. I had people I had to wait for in heaven and she wouldn't let me in!"
"it's not nice to fight with people trying to hel- wait none of that makes sense!"
"Yes it does! I figured that if I died I had to be in a place where I could see you again. I knew you'd be going to heaven eventually and I still had to say sorry and I can't have you mad at me for the rest of eternity because some crazy bitch slugged me over the head." Gilbert smirked "let's face it, i'm awesome, they probably would have let me into heaven if..." he blushed and put his hand to his mouth, it finally occuring to him that rodrich had kissed him.
"What's wrong?" he asked Gilbert who suddenly became silent.
Gilbert smirked again. "You like me huh?"
"h-huh?" his face grew red.
"you're blushing!"
"That's because I do." "Well I don't like you. I kinda think I love you and stuff." He said trying to be manly about it.Roderich had totally set himself up for being rejected. "I under- wait what?"
Gilbert pulled the traveler in. "I love you mr. traveler."
"I'm not a traveler." he looked away embarrassed.
"You never told me your name."
"It's Roderich." He leaned down and kissed the Prussian passionately.
Gilbert woke up on his couch. "Gott Verdammt! Not again." he started to cry without realizing it.
"Why are you on the couch? did you fall asleep watching Snow white again?" Russia smiled. It was cold downstairs.
"y-yeah." Gilbert said wiping his eyes. He looked at the picture frame Francis had given him with all of his friends in it… and Roderich… He had to stop watching Snow White before bed.