Chapter 2: Of Elves and Ectoplasm
"So, Merida," Liz asked, as they were in the garbage truck heading back to the BPRD, "Who exactly are these people you call the Bethmoora Clan?"
Merida sighed. "It's a long story, Lizzie, but one which I think I can teek the time tae spare. Have ony of ye ever heard tell of elves afore?"
Jack immediately began, "Well, I've met them in North's workshop, does that count?"
"No' those kind o' elves, ye twit!" Merida snapped. "The kin' tha' have long, flowin' hair an' high cheekbones; the kin' tha' live in the green fields an' forests; the kin' that ye can only find in the auld Celtic lands?"
The rest of the group remained awkwardly quiet until Liz then added, "I've seen Lord of the Rings, is that the kind of elf you're referring to?"
"It is, aye!" Merida agreed. "Onyway, the Bethmoora Clan is a group o' mythical bein's livin' in Ireland; they included ogres, goblins, an' most importantly, elves. I ken them best for the part they played in the creation of…"
She broke off, in clear shock at what she had just realized.
"The creation of what, Merida?" Hiccup asked.
The Scottish girl's voice was as low as her eyes when she next spoke.
"The Golden Army."
No-one said anything except for a hushed "Howdy-Doody" from Hellboy. Then Merida told the story.
"They say that a long time ago, mankind, animals, and mythical creatures used tae live i' the shade o' Aiglinn, the Father Tree. But mankind was said tae have a hole i' their hearts, which couldnae be filled by ony amount o' wealth, knowledge or power. An' i' their measureless greed, men dreamt o' increasin' their kingdom o'er the whole world. The mythical creatures fought agin' them, an' mony ogres, goblins an' elves died i' the battle. An' Balor, the king o' Bethmoora, a white-bearded elf with a left arm made o' silver, watched the slaughter in bitterness an' anger.
Then one day, everythin' changed. A goblin blacksmith, a chieftain of mony, came afore King Balor an' offered tae help turn the war i' his favour. He would gi'e the king an army o' golden mechanical soldiers, who would ne'er know hunger, nor pain, nor sleep.
Now Balor had two children, a son called Nuada an' a daughter called Nuala. But while Nuala was a gentle, loving lass, Nuada hated mankind wi' a fiery passion for all tha' they had done tae his people. So he encouraged his father tae agree tae the goblin's offer. Balor gave the order, an' the goblin blacksmiths created seventy times seventy giant automatons, made o' gold an' powered by gears. An' they forged a golden crown in addition, so tha' Balor alone could control the Army, by wearin' the crown on his head. "I am King Balor Silverarm o' Bethmoora," he said. "Would any of ye challenge my right tae lead this Army?" An' in his throne chamber, no-one dared challenge him."
"Why no'- I mean, why not?" Flynn interrupted, earning a slap across the head from Abe of all people.
Merida sighed irritably before continuing, "If ye wanted tae challenge Balor, ye had tae be royal yersel', Rider. Now who's tellin' this story, ye or me?"
"Sorry, carry on," the former robber replied.
"The nex' time the greedy warriors o' mankind went tae battle, they fel' the ground tremble beneath their feet, an' they saw the sky darken wi' monstrous shepes. The Golden Army were upon them like a pack o' dragons, nae offence, Hiccup."
"None taken," the young Viking replied. "So…did the Golden Army do their job well?"
"Aye…too well. Those mindless machines held nae loyalty tae pain; they killed people indiscriminately, the innocent along wi' the guilty, the good along wi' the bad, as well as killin' greedy warriors, they killed helpless women an' children. An' then King Balor felt grief an' regret, for his Golden Army were causin' more damage than they were avertin'. So he took off the Crown o' Bethmoora, an' divided it intae three pieces; one piece he gave tae mankind, the other two he kept for hi'self. An' he made a pledge o' peace wi' the leader o' the warriors; in exchange, mankind would restrict their kingdom tae the cities, an' le' the mythical creatures keep the forests. This truce would be honoured by their children an' their descendants fer all taime. Bu' Prince Nuada didnae believe tha' mankind would keep their promise. He thought he could hae commanded the Golden Army better than his father, an' sae he went intae exile, vowing tae return the day he felt his people needed him most. An' wi' the crown o' Bethmoora divided intae three pieces, the Golden Army shut down, an' a group o' Formorian giants pu' them un'erground on Balor's orders…"
At this point, Hellboy started speaking aloud at the same time as Daenerys. "An' there they remain tae this day; silent, still, an' indestructible."
Merida looked at Hellboy in surprise. "Ye know the story as well, Red?"
The friendly demon nodded. "A long time ago, when I was a kid, Professor Broom read that story to me one Christmas. I remember it so well 'cos I was watching an episode of Howdy-Doody beforehand." He looked at Merida. "What about you, Merida? Where did you learn the story from?"
Merida smiled nostalgically. "I wis born i' 12th-century Scotland, remember? I met King Balor when we went tae Ireland tae make a treaty wi' the Bethmoora Clan. By that taime, the King an' his daughter were livin' inside a cave. Bethmoora comes from a Gaelic word meanin' 'Sons o' the earth", sae they live as close tae it as they can."
"You met King Balor in person?" Tooth remarked incredulously. "What was he like?"
"Like an uncle," Merida replied. "He was jovial an' kindly, an' he was quite chatty, provided ye spoke tae him in Gaelic, 'cos he can understan' English, but cannae speak a word o' it hi'self. An' his daughter, Nuala, me an' her grew very close. We had a lot in common wi' each other."
"I wonder if they're still alive," Abe mused to himself, stroking his scaly chin.
"Likelihood is they are," Merida replied, "Unfortunately, tha' means tha'…sae is…"
But all of a sudden, she slumped forwards and her eyes closed.
Merida had gone into some kind of trance. As she lay asleep, an image appeared before her; she was stood in an underground chamber, next to a train tunnel which she could see through a broken-down wall. Stood in front of her, illuminated by the daylight through the open manhole above his head, was a figure who was both a man and yet not a man.
He had very long hair which came down to his back; it was mainly white, but turned orange at the ends; and in addition, his skin was white; not Caucasian, but the colour of milk; he was slender, yet physically strong to look at, with toned muscles; he was wearing no shirt, thus exposing his torso, but beneath the waist he wore a pair of black trousers and no shoes. But what most caught Merida's attention was the short spear he held in his right hand; it had a black hilt decorated with what looked like dragonskin, and a wide head made of silver- and currently, he was spinning it energetically in his hand.
As Merida watched, the man then energetically ran forwards towards one of the chamber walls, ran up to it, then jumped backwards, thrusting his spear in front of him; she could now see his face clearly- high cheekbones, a straight, perfect nose with a long scar running above it; faint swirl-shaped scars on his cheeks; ears shaped like pointed leaves, and hints of black at the corners of his mouth and eyes, which were a glossy amber-yellow. He turned a somersault and then struck his spear's hilt against the floor of the chamber, at which point the spear then elongated surprisingly, until it stood far taller than he did, lowered onto one knee with his head bowed. He then got up and performed more energetic fight moves, before finally bringing his spear down into a puddle, sending water spraying everywhere; with shocking precision, he swept his spear in a neat arc, cutting a falling drop of water in half; he then held the spear straight in two hands, raising his dripping head just as the sound of footsteps revealed there were two more people in the chamber.
"How long have you been there, my friends?" the man asked. His accent was smooth, and clearly English, but Merida could somehow sense Gaelic beneath it. As he held out the spear with one hand, its hilt immediately retracted back into a shorter handle. It was then that Merida realized that this was Prince Nuada; his spear was the reason Nuada nicknamed himself "Silverlance". But as Nuada's friends emerged into the light, she got the feeling that maybe the Elven prince was not her main problem.
One of the men was tall and slender, wearing a flowing robe as black as his wavy hair; he had elegant hands and almost claw-like nails; and in addition, his skin was an ashen gray and his eyes deep golden, in a menacing way, just like Nuada's eyes; his teeth were like those of a carnivore, pointed and bared in a threatening grin; in short, he looked just like a wolf in human form. The second man was even taller, but physically different from this man in many ways; he was extremely muscular, with no clothes except for a breastplate and kilt made of brown leather strips and sandals around his massive, elephant-toed feet; his skin was greyish-blue, with swirl patterns on his shoulders, and one of his arms ended in four huge fingers like a gorilla's fingers; the right arm was severed at the wrist and replaced by a huge metal hand that looked like an arcade prize-grabbing crane. His head was the most surprising attribute, though, with small ears, a single brown eye with two pupils(the other one was scarred red skin), and a flat pair of nostrils over a massive muzzle like a manatee and prominent yellow incisors; on both sides of his mouth were two short tusks; one of them a broken stump. He was a cave troll.
"Long enough," the black-dressed man replied; he, too, spoke with an English accent, but his voice was far darker and colder than Nuada's. "Have the supplies turned up?"
Nuada pointed with his spear to a rattling metal box which Merida recognised with horror as the same box those Tooth Fairies had come out of. "They're over there. They turned up this morning. I have not fed them, at all."
The Tooth Fairies were screeching hungrily from within the box.
"Good," the shadowy man agreed. "We want them good and hungry for the heist later on."
Nuada now turned and spoke to the cave troll. "Me and Pitch will go up there first. You will come after."
The troll grunted in reply.
"And remember, Mr. Wink," the shadowy man(Pitch) added, "don't be shy."
Were it not for the serious mood of the scene, Merida might have laughed aloud. What kind of person would call a massive, ferocious cave troll something like "Mr. Wink"? Then she remembered his single eye and immediately kept a straight face. As Nuada stood underneath the manhole entrance, glaring up at the street overhead, Mr. Wink let out a deafening roar like an elephant.
The next few moments happened surprisingly fast. Nuada got dressed in a black tunic with a red belt and gold pendant, then Pitch created a handful of black sand in his hands and threw it to the ground, creating a ladder which the elf climbed up, his strange friend following him. They came to the surface, whereupon Pitch then whistled sharply and what looked like a huge horse made of the same black sand rode along the street, allowing them both to climb onto its back before it rode straight into the air, running all the way to the back wall of a tall building; the black horse then changed shape into a huge lizard(a gecko, she had learned earlier) and climbed all the way up to an open window.
There was only one man by the window; Nuada and Pitch got off the monster's back and climbed in through the window without him noticing. They then moved around just as he walked over to the window and looked out of it; as he turned back, Pitch suddenly drew an arrow made of black sand and threw it at him; he fell dead with a thud.
Nuada gave Pitch a congratulatory nod before he then walked over to a large set of wooden doors. Behind it, the auction seemed to be in full swing as an English auctioneer spoke aloud.
"Next lot, number 776, is an important votive figure, a fertility goddess, dating from about 15,000-10,000 B.C(Merida remembered the huge sculpture which Hellboy pushed over on top of the Tooth Fairies) This was found in a deposit less than 30 metres from the Shannon River….And we open the bidding at $300, 000…going once, going twice…sold. And now, we move onto our next item- lot 777, a piece of the Royal Crown of Bethmoora, the fabled Sons of the Earth, said to have created the legendary Golden Army…"
All three pairs of ears- Nuada's, Pitch's and Merida's, pricked up at this point. So this is what became of the crown piece which Balor gave to mankind. Pitch nodded sharply and Nuada then struck an electrical fuse-box on the wall with his spear hilt; immediately, the whole building was plunged into darkness; only the streetlamps and moonlight illuminated the chambers as Nuada and Pitch then crept slowly into the auction chamber.
"Ladies and gentlemen, please keep your seats," said the auctioneer, who Merida could now see had no hair at all on his head, as well as a pair of small round spectacles and a very stout build. "The auction restarts shortly, I am sure it's just a temporary loss of power."
He then resumed, "Now, for the first time on auction, a piece of the Royal Crown of Bethmoora, coming to us from a long lost culture…"
"Lost?" Nuada interrupted, stepping forwards into the light with Pitch behind him. "No, the kingdom of Bethmoora is not lost. Forgotten by your people, perhaps, but we are very, very much alive."
"Who are you, sirs?" the auctioneer spluttered in surprise. "Sirs, please identify yourselves! You cannot just…"
"I am Prince Nuada Silverlance, son of King Balor of Bethmoora," the elf replied coldly. "My friend here is Kozmotis Pitchiner Black, the King of Fear; and we are here, sir(he spat the word at him), to reclaim what is rightfully mine."
"Security! Call security!" shouted the auctioneer, before turning to add, "What do you think you're doing? This is outrageous!"
With a loud crash a massive metal ball punched a hole in the glass doors of the auction chamber, throwing two dead security guards at the auctioneer's feet. Then the ball started walking along the floor on little metal legs, at which point Merida quickly realized that the ball was in fact a metal hand, attached to a chain in the hollow socket of its owner's right arm; Mr. Wink.
The chain quickly retracted back into Mr. Wink's wrist socket, as the massive cave troll walked forwards into the light, his one eye seemingly wet from beneath as he lowered the metal tooth fairy box to the floor. He then glared at the screaming auctioneer guests and let out a roar, blasting them with rancid troll breath.
The auctioneer visibly paled at this point and started whimpering. "You can take it; please, please, take it, take anything…"
Nuada reached into his shirt pocket, producing some kind of fleshy translucent ball, which then opened outwards into a hissing jellyfish-type monster; he threw the jellyfish at the auctioneer's head, and it wrapped its limbs around his face; Merida watched as he choked loudly, a large eye in the jellyfish's back covering the spot above his mouth. Finally he fell to the ground and the jellyfish let go of him.
"Be quiet," Nuada snapped at the dead auctioneer, before picking up the crown piece, a curved piece of golden metal, and pocketing it. The crowd were in panic at this point.
"SIT…DOWN!" the elf shouted, abruptly silencing the crowd. "Proud, empty, hollow things that you are." He turned to point to Pitch with his spear, and the dark, unpleasant-looking man was the next to speak.
"Let this remind you why you once feared the dark…why you once feared me." And he then bent down and slowly pulled open the hatch at the front of the tooth fairy box, and for a horrible moment, Merida watched the writhing, snarling little animals from within the box as they spilled out into the auction chamber, hungry for blood…
And then she woke up again. She was back in the BPRD, in Hellboy's private chamber along with the rest of the gang. Hiccup and Astrid were busy taking a shower(not together, you sickos) after having spent so long in sweaty, dirty, dragon-rider's outfits; Flynn was busy getting his minor injuries treated by Rapunzel, and Jack and Red were relaxing by watching the TVs(nine TVs, so that each of them could watch one without blocking anyone's view) with Maximus, Pascal, Tooth, Stormfly and Toothless.
Hellboy had removed his shirt and was eating a Baby Ruth candy bar to relax. "Hey, guys, you're missing this! Ha ha ho, we're on TV!"
Abe, meanwhile, had his hand against the bathroom door where Liz was getting changed. "Liz, are you alright?" he called softly.
"Yeah, I'll be out in a minute," was her reply.
"You don't need to do that, you can trust me!" he continued. "My readings are quite accurate…"
"SHUT UP, Abe! Take your stupid hand away from the door!" Liz snarled at him, and he withdrew his hand in shock. Merida abruptly remembered that she still didn't want Hellboy to know she was pregnant.
"You don't need to be afraid," he whispered back. "Despite appearances, I believe Red will be an excellent father figure!"
Merida got up from her bed and sniggered quietly. Hellboy, an excellent father figure, with his massive appetite, obsession with cats and TVs, and disregard for toothbrush hygiene? But she put this aside as she walked over to Hellboy.
"Ah, Ginger, you're awake!" the friendly demon added, beckoning the princess to join him on the couch. "You were still asleep when we brought you in from the garbage truck. Hiccup said to leave a bowl of porridge for you in case you woke up and felt hungry."
"The porridge can wait, Red," Merida replied. "Ah've got somethin' tae tell yae…"
Jack shushed her with a "wait!" gesture before smugly pointing at the TV with his staff, where the American TV presenter Jimmy Kimmel was pointing out individual photos of the BPRD members; currently he was on the Berk couple.
"And look at this bad boy!" he remarked smugly. "He rides on something that can only be described as a dragon and dresses like someone out of a sword-and-sorcery film, but just look at all this!" he pointed at Hiccup's skinny frame.
"You just gestured to all of me!" Hiccup remarked accusingly as he came in from the shower, dressed in a spring green t-shirt and brown trousers; he was busy towelling his head down.
Kimmel continued, "they've got this weird white-haired kid who fights with a wooden crowbar(Jack sniggered under his breath), a half-parrot("Hummingbird!" Tooth irritably corrected), half-human girl, and look at this guy!" Abe popped up on screen. "He wears a toilet seat around his neck!"
"Ha, ha! A toilet seat?!" Hellboy sniggered.
"It's quite obvious it's a breathing apparatus!" Abe snapped at the TV.
"Aye, we should probably get rid o' tha' garbage truck!" Merida agreed. "It gives off all the wrong signals!" Hellboy fell over on top of her in hysterics before she abruptly pushed him back upright again. Liz finally emerged from the bathroom with Astrid.
"And you think that's our problem?" the Viking shieldmaiden remarked. "Transportation? Hmm?"
Kimmel now moved on to Liz, Rapunzel and Merida. "And these girls, we have no idea what's so special with them, but they're cute. We have to get them on the show!"
Then Flynn popped up on screen next to Kimmel and said sternly, "sorry, buddy. Blondie's taken."
And as if on cue, Flynn popped up behind the sofa to wave at his on-screen self. "How's that publicity shot, Red?"
Liz was far from happy. "I hate it when people stare at me," she said, walking over to block Hellboy's view of the TV. "It makes me feel like a freak. You had no right, Red."
"Hey, I can be discreet if I like!" the big demon protested. "I followed you and Myers, didn't I?"
Merida smiled nostalgically as she remembered John Myers, the young, cute new recruit to the BPRD four years ago, whom Hellboy had regarded as a rival for Liz' affections, Merida as a "wee lamb", but had eventually earned the BPRD agents' respect when he narrowly stopped Hellboy from releasing a flock of demons upon mankind.
"Yeah, and then you had him sent off to Antarctica," Liz rebutted. "Very discreet."
"Ah, he said he liked the cold," Hellboy replied.
"Well, he should fit right in at North's workshop, then," Jack replied, earning a warm laugh from Toothiana.
Hellboy then noticed Manning on the TV and tried to shoo Liz out of the way. "Oh, it's Manning! Could ya- I…" She glared at him before walking off, whilst Jack laughed aloud at the sight of Manning trying to give an explanation for Liz' fireblast as being a "gas pocket".
"Gas pocket, what an idiot," Jack laughed helplessly, only to then hear footsteps approaching. "He's right behind us, isn't he?"
And the BPRD director was indeed, middle-aged, stern-browed, with a slightly beak-like nose, dark brown disapproving eyes and no hair at all on his head. In his mouth he held an antacid lolly.
" 'Like a shadow in the night, huh?'" he remarked dryly, through a false smile, before then getting in front of the TVs to talk to Hellboy. "You've murdered me. You have murdered me. And you have ridiculed me and…"
Hellboy tried to look around Manning, as did Stormfly and Toothless, but Manning got in their way again.
"And you have brought this upon yourselves," he finished.
"What have we brought upon ourselves, Manning?" Hiccup asked.
"Washington is sending down a new BPRD agent," the American replied to the Viking.
Hellboy nonchalantly got his last bit of Baby Ruth candy bar into his mouth and flipped his head back, throwing it down his throat. "A new guy?" he asked. "Why?"
"To look after you," Manning replied sternly.
An hour later, the whole group were gathered in the BPRD entrance hall waiting for the elevator to descend, bringing with it the new agent.
"Is he here yet?" Hellboy asked from behind Toothless, who was stood up on his back legs to get a better look at the agent when he arrived.
"No," replied Liz, who was in front of Toothless.
Hellboy then insisted to Manning, "I'm tellin' ya, you don't need this guy."
"Well, I think we do," Manning retorted. "Evidently this guy is quite the big shot in Washington."
Hellboy reached over for the file Manning was holding, but the director withdrew it abruptly.
"What's his name, Manning?" Rapunzel asked politely.
"His name is Johann Krauss, Rapunzel," Manning replied.
"Johann Krauss?" Hellboy repeated incredulously.
"Mm-hmm."
"Sounds German," Hellboy remarked darkly, before making another thwarted grab for the file, with Manning stopping him again.
"Mm-hmm, he's the top man in ecto…"
"Plasmic," Abe supplied, before Hellboy said "shush!" to him.
"Yes, thank you," Manning replied. "Ectoplasmic research, comes highly recommended by our European liaison."
Hellboy whispered the word "Krauss" under his breath to Hiccup.
"Liaison," Manning added, whilst nudging Liz gently. "I love that word, don't you? It's so hidy-tidy."
"I don't like Germans," Hellboy grumbled under his breath.
Rapunzel glared at him. "You like me and Flynn, Hellboy."
"You don't count, you're friends," he replied.
"No fingerprints," Manning added.
"Germans make me nervous," Hellboy added, then "OW!" Rapunzel had flicked his head from behind with her frying pan.
"No, Hellboy," she sternly corrected him. "Nazis make you nervous. Right?" and Hellboy nodded, not wanting to annoy her any further. She knew full well that he was referring to Ilsa Haupstein and Karl Ruprecht Kroenen, the two sadistic Nazis who had attempted to enslave mankind to demons four years ago. Both of them were dead now; Haupstein had been crushed to death along with her boyfriend, evil Russian sorcerer Grigori Rasputin, and Kroenen lay in a spike-filled pit with a massive cog on top of him; thrown in there by Hellboy in vengeance for killing Professor Trevor Bruttenholm(or Professor Broom).
Then the sound of the elevator went off, as it lowered into view before them.
"No photo," Manning added. "My file says, and I translate(he added sternly to stop Hellboy from trying to grab his file again), he has a nice, open face."
Finally the elevator came to a halt, and aboard it were a group of usual agents, but there was someone hidden behind them. Immediately, Jack got the feeling that this new agent wouldn't be anyone normal, and he was quickly proved right.
A loud metallic clanking that wasn't the elevator resonated as the agents parted company, exposing a man dressed in a light brown and tan suit made of canvas like a balloon; he wore metal shoes on his feet like a deep-sea diver; his fingertips had metal caps, and he wore a large helmet with a small metal cog at the front and two tuning-fork-type mandibles above it; his helmet sported a glass dome, and within it, there was no face visible of any kind; just a swirling mass of white gas. Occasionally, steam would shoot out of the metal valves on both sides of his head, if you could call it a head.
"Damen und Herren," he said in a somewhat mechanized German accent, his little mandibles and cog moving like lips, "Johann Krauss, at your service." He made a quick bow.
"I like him," Abe said.
Of course you do, Hiccup thought.