Title: The Spice of Life (aka: 6 Ways Kurogane and Fai Failed to Spice Up Their Sex Lives)
Rating: R-ish, maybe?
Pairing: Fai/Kurogane
Summary: Post-series Kuro/Fai; Fai worries that they're slipping into complacency. Can they spice up their romance?
Notes: This started as a series of drabbles, but kind of failed miserably (although, in fact, certain segments do add up to 100 words each exactly if you take it the italicized intros). I HAVE EVERY REGRET.
There are truths universally acknowledged, Kurogane knew, and one of them was that Fai was an idiot who obsessed over the simplest things.
It started when they were getting ready for bed one night, several years into their journey with the original Syaoran. Kurogane had been reading his maganyan - the sixth installment of a fight between the hero and a new enemy - and Fai was on his side of the bed comparing notes between a Ceresian rune-dictionary Syaoran had found him some years ago and a Nihonjin children's book, part of his resolve to learn how to read Nihongo before they returned there for good.
They had been in the world for four peaceful days now - four days of boredom. It was a world they'd been back to a few times and a largely uneventful one, with no enemies to vanquish nor wealth of new knowledge. Kurogane and Fai were working as bartenders at a night club near the pier; Syaoran was working for the owner of the hotel they were staying in as a handyman. It was honest work, and Kurogane supposed he didn't mind the lull, but too much of it and it felt like his brain was rotting. Their group was composed of men (and pork buns) of action, and too long without any made them... stir-crazy.
Fai did not seem surprised when Kurogane abruptly sighed and sat up, folding the corner of one page in order to keep his place - a habit that always made Fai wince, but he was too weary of it by now to object. "I'm going to sleep," Kurogane said, unnecessarily. He put his maganyan on his night table and clicked the lamp on his side of the bed off. "You going to be up long?"
"Mmm," said Fai, turning a page. "Maybe."
Kurogane tched but said nothing else, leaning over the distance between them to kiss him on the temple; this part of the routine completed, he turned over, shifting back down between the sheets to lie with his back to Fai. Presently he heard the sounds of Fai getting ready to sleep - the sound of the rune-dictionary being closed softly, the rustle of sheets as Fai shifted; and then the way the mattress moved as the idiot leaned over to kiss the back of his neck.
"I'm sleeping," Kurogane said.
"Apparently you're very talkative in your sleep, Kuro-sama." Fai paused from where he had been kissing his way around Kurogane's throat to his jaw, his voice warm and amused.
"I'm trying to sleep. If you want to get off, wizard, you know where the bathroom is."
Fai chuckled. "Maybe I just... want to..."
When he didn't continue Kurogane sighed and turned over. Fai was looking at him, wide-eyed and worried. "What? What's the matter, idiot?"
"When did we last have sex, Kuro-sama?"
"Uh." Kurogane had to think about it. It had been in that one world with the paper fans and the witches... Syaoran had been lost in the floating library for the evening and Fai had... "Four worlds ago, after room service brought us that champagne."
"Four worlds ago? That was... thirty eight days ago..."
They stared at each other with a gradually dawning realisation that things were not as they seemed, like two explorers who had suddenly found themselves in unfamiliar territory.
"Kuro-sama," Fai said, troubled. "What happened to us? Do you remember the time we had sex in every room of Watanuki-kun's shop?"
"I remember that the last room wasn't as empty as we thought," Kurogane replied, with a touch of bitterness in his voice. The shopkeeper's poker-faced friend hadn't seemed too bothered, but Kurogane sure as hell had been.
"When was the last time we made love in an alleyway?" Fai wailed.
Kurogane squinted at him. "We never fucked in -"
"It's been months since we played New World Bingo, either!"
"That game was stupid."
New World Bingo had, of course, been Fai's idea. He'd drawn up Bingo cards consisting of various squares filled with locations: in, near, or on water; on a bed; on someone else's bed, on the roof; on the roof of a vehicle or the back of an animal (handjobs count); standing up; near a famous landmark - and so on. There were a lot of squares. The trick was to tick off every single square in one trip to one world; whichever world filled out the bingo card first 'won' New World Bingo.
Kurogane hadn't cared about the game, but even he could concede he'd never gotten laid in as many ridiculous places as he had when Fai thought he had a shot of filling in one of those cards.
"New World Bingo was not stupid," Fai said haughtily, pushing himself up on his knees. He glowered down at Kurogane, who blinked; the idiot looked genuinely concerned. "Kuro-sama, if we don't act now, our relationship will wither and we'll turn to other people for sexual fulfillment and in a few years you'll be doing that thing you do with your tongue on random blonds in the street and I'll be drinking myself to death!"
"What."
"We need to bring the spark back."
"... Do we?"
"We need to bring the spark back to our relationship before whiskey becomes my only friend!"
Kurogane sighed heavily. "Fine."
"You mean that?" Fai flopped down next to him again, making the mattress groan in protest. His eyes were very blue. "Do you?"
"Sure," Kurogane said with some resignation. "Got any suggestions?"
"..."
"... Well, sleep on it. I'm going to."
He rolled over and pulled the covers over himself, settling wearily into bed; and he was most of the way asleep when Fai's excited yell yanked him back up to wakefulness again. "Women's magazines! They're full of sex advice, this will work fine!"
Like hell it would, Kurogane thought, and sighed. Still, Fai seemed pretty into it, and it never hurt to give the idiot something to funnel his stupidity into. Last time had ended up with Fai making a thousand paper cranes, which had been annoying to get rid of but not exactly dangerous.
And then Kurogane thought the phrase that would come back to haunt him later in life, after the six worst sexual mishaps of his life, and that phrase was this: What was the worst that could happen?
1. Spark gone from your bedroom? Make him remember why he cares: toys are guaranteed to add spice to any couple's lovemaking!
They were facing each other, both of them looking awkward and unsure, hands firmly behind their backs.
"Okay, Kuro-rin," Fai said. "Show and tell time. You first."
"What? No, idiot, you go first!"
"Fine, fine! We'll... show on the count of three," Fai said. "One... two... three!"
There was an awkward moment as both of them held out their purchases, one that quickly shifted into bemusement.
"I don't understand," Kurogane said, after a pause. "How is a toy train set supposed to help?"
"I don't know, I thought you'd work something out! What are we going to do with a frisbee?"
Another awkward pause.
"We could throw it?"
2. If you're having difficulty getting laid with your long-term partner, consider dressing up! Fantasy roleplaying can be a great stress relief for you and your man!
The costume itched. Fai wrinkled his nose, attempting to adjust the pinching shoes. "Kuro-sama, are you ready?"
Kurogane pushed open the door from their en-suite bathroom, scowling. "This is stupid."
"The point is pretending to be something we're not," Fai said anxiously. "It's stepping outside our comfort zones. Um, the bow tie looks nice? You've got the dialogue cards?"
"Yeah," Kurogane said. He dug the cards out of his pocket and cleared his throat. In a wooden voice, he read: "Uh... Hello, Oral Hygienist, I am A Stockbroker. 15% Quarterly Earnings! Want to fuck?"
Fai stared. "... No."
3. If all else fails, try wearing something to bed to create a sense of mystique.
"No," Kurogane said.
"What?" Fai pulled back and blinked at him. "I'm doing what the magazine suggested."
"Yeah, probably, and you're doing it wrong."
"Well, it's not like the article elaborated on what is and isn't good to wear in bed!"
Kurogane rolled his eyes. "I can tell you now that that isn't it."
'That' was a two-foot-tall hat made of bristly black bearskin, held in place with a strap under Fai's chin. It was near as wide as it was tall. Come to think of it, the Royal Guards outside the Palace had been wearing it... "Did you steal that from someone?"
"I prefer borrowed."
4. Some adults find a little bit of pain erotic. Try spanking, the act of striking another person's bare flesh with an open palm to provide temporary pain without producing physical injury. It can be fun for both parties!
"Really?"
"That's what it says. I can ask Syaoran to re-translate it if you like, but I think he might blush enough he'll pass out."
Kurogane kicked his trousers off. "So you just need to hit me and that'll get us going?"
"I guess," Fai said, worriedly. "Is it really okay?"
"I cut my arm off for you," Kurogane reminded him. "Let's do it."
Fai glanced at the magazine, then at Kurogane, and sighed. "If you're sure."
Honestly, Kurogane thought later, holding the icepack against his stinging face, he'd only been out cold for about five minutes. There was no reason for the idiot to fuss.
5. Have you tried incorporating food in your play? Try coating your man with something scrumptious, like ice cream, and licking it off him - you'll enjoy the taste and he'll enjoy the sensation!
"I'm really sorry," Fai said. He pulled the magazine toward him and opened it to the right page. "I saw this and I thought..."
"I don't care," Kurogane said, muffled. He was still curled on his side, facing away from Fai, the mighty muscles of his back and shoulders tense with irritation. Fai sighed.
"I didn't think, I'm sorry."
"You poured ice cream on my... nether regions! I was already hard! If you wanted to lick it you didn't need frozen milk!"
"I know," Fai said humbly. "I'm sorry I killed little-Kuro. Let me apologize to you? There's still some ice cream left!"
"No!"
6. Some light bondage can really make things go for you and him. Some find the sense of power over having their partner bound and controllable incredibly arousing! Handcuffs and ropes make good aids. Just make sure you both clearly understand the rules, and agree on a safe word you can both use if things get out of control!
The click of the handcuffs closing was satisfying indeed. Kurogane sat up, admiring his work; Fai was looking at him with bedroom eyes. "Your safe word is 'apples,'" Kurogane said.
"Okay, Kuro-sama," Fai murmured, his voice husky. "What are you going to do with that key?"
"The tied-up person can't have them, so..." Kurogane tossed it away, smirking. Fai raised an eyebrow and grinned back.
The handcuffs pulled Kurogane short as he moved to kiss Fai. As Kurogane yanked at them, Fai's expression grew less sultry and more puzzled. "Kuro-sama," he said, slowly: "I don't think we're both supposed to be tied up."
"What on Earth were you thinking?" Syaoran asked wearily later, walking back from the police station with their hands in their pockets. "It's fine if the two of you want to play bedroom games, but asking the maid to join in?"
"Like hell we did!" Kurogane snapped. "We asked her to find the key! If she's just going to barge right in then the least she could've done was help out!"
"In fairness, Kuro-sama, we didn't have the do not disturb sign up," Fai offered meekly.
Syaoran shook his head. "What's gotten into you two all of a sudden? You've been acting weird for days. First Fai drags me to a toy shop -"
"You took the kid?"
"I couldn't read the labels!" Fai wailed.
"- Then you're making me write out stock dialogue phrases for a stockbroker and an oral hygienist -"
"Uwaaaah, now Kuro-sama is the one ruining him!"
"Shut up!"
"Both of you be quiet," Syaoran interrupted. "Anyway, after that, Fai-san made me help him steal a hat; you, Kurogane-sensei, asked me to translate an article about erotic spanking, then there was the incident with the icecream where I had to cover Kurogane-sensei's shift at work - and now I had to pay your fines to get you out of a police holding cell? What's wrong with you?"
Fai and Kurogane glanced at each other and then broke eye-contact, looking guilty. "It's, um, difficult to explain, Syaoran-kun," said Fai.
Kurogane was shifting uncomfortably. "Kid, we haven't been - well, you know."
"I don't know," Syaoran said, blankly. Actually he was pretty sure he did, but it was worth it to make his so-called 'parents' sputter.
"Intimate," Fai settled on smoothly.
"That's what this is about?" Syaoran squinted at them both. "Idiots."
Fai laughed, nervously. "That's a bit strong, don't you think? If the romance is gone, then - then what's left?"
"It's accurate, though," Syaoran said. He sighed and drew to a stop, turning around under a streetlight to look the two so-called adults in the eye. "How 'intimate' do you think Sakura and I are, Fai-san, Kurogane-sensei? Do you think we're not in love anymore?"
"Of course you are," Fai said indignantly, and then paused.
"There's more to being together than intimacy," Syaoran told him gently, putting enough of an emphasis on the word to let Fai know how ridiculous he found it. "Do you still care about Kurogane-sensei?"
"... Yes."
"And Kurogane-sensei, you still care about Fai-san?"
Kurogane tched in a way that made it apparent that he did.
"Idiots," said Syaoran, with feeling. "Why don't you kiss and make up already."
Kurogane and Fai were staring at each other with wary expressions; and then with a sigh Kurogane unfolded one arm and thwapped Fai over the back of the head. "I don't need spice," he said, eventually; "I'm fine with you."
Fai tilted his head to look up at him, raising a hand to rub the back of his head. "... You're hopeless, Kuro-sama," he said, but he was smiling. He raised himself to the balls of his feet and leaned forward, darting his head in to kiss Kurogane on the mouth; Kurogane let his hand fall with an ease that seemed utterly natural to cup the swell of his arse, tug him closer.
Syaoran sighed. "I meant in your rooms," he said, too jaded to care much, "But that works too."
If Kurogane and Fai heard him, they showed no sign. Whatever. Syaoran had done his best; all that he could hope for now was that they would manage not to get arrested for having sex in public.
Again.
-fin