24/07/2008 05:49:00
It was a Saturday morning . I woke up with my mom's voice yelling " Fatheme , get you ass out of the bed right now . it s 4 o'clock " . I looked at myself in the mirror . I looked at every part of myself . my messy hair crumbled up . my red puffy eyes because I cried last night. my red lips because I bite them so no one could hear me crying . my bloody knuckles because I punched the wall to release the anger . and the ugly scares on my hand just to make me feel better. there was no way I could let my mom see me this way. if she finds out my life will be over, she would probably tell dad, I would be a shame for this family. it was better if I kept my mouth shut. I yelled out "mommy I'll go and take a shower then I'll eat lunch". I ran to the washroom and took my clothes off. Before going into the shower I saw myself in the mirror once again. This time I look different . I looked like a girl who was hurt and her heart was smashed into pieces . I didn't want to see myself anymore, it just hurt too much. I looked away, went into the shower and opened the water. Suddenly it felt like someone just took away all of my breath and energy, I couldn't stand anymore. so I sat down ,looking at my feet. considering I have asthma these attacks were normal but this time I felt lonely and hopeless . I would usually run out of the bathroom and get my puffer but not today. today I just sat down, trying to breath as hard as I can , trying to survive . I closed my eyes and I saw my self with a rope around my neck .this made me feel worst . I wanted to cry but I couldn't, I think all my tears had dried up.
I finish taking a shower and wore clothes that would cover my scares. as I walked down stairs I was thinking about how I am going to cover up for my bruises so I pushed myself off the stairs. my mom ran out and started yelling " what the hell did u do ? why don't u take care of yourself " but I ignored her. I just walked to the kitchen silently. I was afraid that she would be able to tell what's going through my mind . she followed me with her eyes and asked if I was okay . I nodded and ignored talking because I was afraid.
This is how my story begins :
I was a young, happy baby with a dark brown hair and eyes. I am an only child. I was positive , funny and happy. Life was easy, there were no problems to deal with. My head was In the books and out of trouble. But then life doesn't always stay amazing and perfect, and the twist in my life was when I hit puberty in grade 6. The first exciting and weird thing that happened was getting my period. In my culture getting your period was a big thing, it meant you've turned into a women. The reason was that when you get your period, you are able to have kids, and In my culture being able to give birth to a child, is one of the few things that women's are respected for. My mother was so proud of me that day, she said that I got my period sooner then her and my cousins . At the age of 12 I couldn't understand why having my period was such an amazing thing, to me all of this was disgusting and painful. I used to curse god and pray that I would turn into a men, every time I had my period . this meant that men look at me in a different prospect, as if I was just a piece of meat or just their sex toy . I couldn't walk down the mall without feeling scared, watched and paranoid. I had to keep my head down or other wise my eyes would meet another guy's and it would mean, I wanted to have sex with him. And sex, not something acceptable in my country or family, we weren't allowed to think about it, talk about it, or even mention the word sex. The families were stuck in the past, and forgot that the new generation is growing, forgot about the technology , forgot that the teenagers are changing. And worst of all the government, who totally forgot that teenager even existed, they only knew how to execute them.. Everyday, you could hear over the TV that a girl has been executed, because she was acting westernize, of course that was not what they would say but if you added it all up then you would realize the actual reason. These news would scare everyone, we weren't afraid of our own death, more afraid of ruining our families life, more afraid of ruining our parents, sisters and brothers lives. The government, the roles and the laws, they had no feelings, they didn't care, all they cared about, was their own power. No one would dare talk, no one would dare argue the laws, you give your opinions and the life, for you, for your children, sisters, brothers, parents, grand fathers and grand sons was just over. Age of 12 was the age where popularity became an issue, the age where we entered high school, where boys now mattered, the age where we had to shave and wear lots of make up.
I, just like all the other girls my age, wanted to be popular. It was easier for me to become popular because I was from a rich, respected family, but that didn't mean that I didn't have to put lots of effort in it. Going into high school was a new start for me , before that I was a nerd, I would never think about make up, boys, parties or anything other then math and science. I would always play soccer with the boys and I always liked having boys as my friends more then girl, I found girls so complicated and confusing. At the age of 12 I realized, I had to become a girl, as much as I hated it, I had to become one, because all my guy friends left me for a girly girl. I felt so hurt and betrayed that the only way out was to become a girl. I started going shopping, buying make up and high heels. I cant tell you how many times I twisted my ankle on the high heels or I poked my eye with the eye pencile. lets not forget about how many times I cut myself while shaving and how painful it is to get your eyebrows and upper lip waxed. Now that I think about it , I regret doing all that stuff but at the time it all seemed worth it. All this hard work did pay off, the first day of school, everybody noticed me , and the popular girls asked me to go to their party. I was so excited, so excited that I ran around my house for 15 minute to release all the energy that was build up inside me. I spend every single day till the party day dreaming about how good its going to be, and thinking about what I should wear. This was a life changing opportunity for me. This was my chance to prove to myself and all those guys who betrayed me , that I am sexy
..... to be continued :D