One lazy afternoon, a month or so after the end of the game, all the characters from FFVII were sitting around in a house. All of them lived in this house, for some reason, and although that didn't make much sense, none of them seemed to mind all that much. Not even Aeristh, who was generally known for being level-headed.
Come to think of it, Nanaki wasn't quite sure where Aeristh had come from. Wasn't she supposed to be dead? Nanaki seemed to remember that she was supposed to be dead, and so it seemed a little strange that she was there with the rest of them, plus Zackx and Sephirosth. It also seemed somewhat strange that she was sleeping with Sephirosth - when Sephirosth was not sleeping with Cloud, Vincent, or Zackx, that is.
No one was sleeping with anyone at the moment, however. Instead, they were all sitting in the living room in silence - except for Cid, who as always had the TV tuned to ADN: the All-Dukes Network. (It was part of Shinra Cable's "Glittering Umbra" plan, which cost a small fortune, but they somehow were able to afford it, even though no one in this house did anything except sit around and watch Dukes of Hazzard, sleep with each other, save the world from brand new crises, and throw wild parties with characters from other video games. Come to think of it, that reminded Nanaki that for some reason, Shinra still existed as well, and that didn't seem right to Nanaki either.)
Nanaki sighed, noticing that he'd been thinking parenthetically for far too long, and settled his head back down upon his front paws. "Ha ha @#*^%@$* ha @#&$%@* ha!" Cid chuckled softly from his place on the sofa. "Those @#*$^#% Dukes! @#$@*&!!!"
Cid's profanity-littered deification of the Dukes aside, the house was silent, until Cloud, sprawled on another of the leather sectionals around the TV and across Sephirosth's and Zackx's laps, sat up restlessly. "I'm horny," he proclaimed.
This was not particularly unusual, at least not since they'd moved into this house, so no one really paid any attention. He cleared his throat and tried again. "I'm horny."
"...Whatever," said Squall, who was also living in the house for no apparent reason.
"So screw one of us," Zackx said with disinterest. "Everyone in the game wants to have your babies, after all... except maybe Cait Sith."
-----
Quite some distance away, Reeve glowered around his office in quiet frustration. "That's what you think," he muttered.
-----
Back in the house, Barret was beating his fists upon his chest. "WHAT ABOUT MARLENE?!?!?" he bellowed loudly.
"Yeah, her too," Zackx told him with a nod. "When she's not doing the flower girl."
"WHAT YOU SAY !!" Barret yelled... until Dyne and Elmyra Gainsborough came in and dragged him away to the bedroom (yes, there was only one bedroom, despite the fact that there were roughly a dozen people living in the house) to have sex.
Cloud sniffled. "Barret's getting some and I'm not. It's not fair!"
"Why not." Sephirosth's softly spoken words were not really a question as much as an attempt to make Cloud think someone was actually listening to him, so he wouldn't start pestering them even more.
"He isn't bishounen! And he doesn't have a mental illness that makes everyone pity him and give him hot luvvin'!"
"Yeah," Tifa pointed out, her face buried somewhere beneath her gigantic breasts, which had ballooned to twice the size of her body since the ending of the game, "but then, he was actually married at one point. He must have appealed to someone, somewhere."
"Yeah, really," Sephirosth agreed, kicking his black leather boots and fishnets up upon the coffee table. "Just pick one of us and be done with it - we're sick of your whining."
"But we love you anyway," Zackx added earnestly.
"Yes," agreed Sephirosth, pinching Cloud's butt. "We do love you anyway."
Cloud looked around. "But... I'm bored!" he whined. "I've done all of you a thousand times already!" Nanaki covered his nose with his paws in an attempt to hide - he hoped Cloud would not remember that he'd actually only done him once. His trysts with Aeristh were much more enjoyable - and after all, he had to have cubs somehow. Cloud was not going to do that for him.
"You haven't done Vincent for awhile," Tifa suggested helpfully, an arm sticking up from behind the mound of mammary tissue to point at the corner of the room, where Vincent hung upside down from the ceiling wearing a black and red cloak, mutely testifying that he was indeed a vampire, even if he didn't drink blood and in fact regularly went outside in daylight.
"Yeah, but still... I want something new!"
Just then, a huge crash came from the front yard. "Oh my goodneth!" cried Aeristh. "Thomething ith happening outthide! Let'th go thee!"
-----
Once outside, Cloud, Tifa, and Aeristh found themselves looking up at a massive techno-organic - and very pink - creature roughly 50 feet tall, standing in the middle of their street. Barret, having been in the middle (literally) of having sex with Dyne and Aeristh's mother when the crash had driven him out of the bedroom to help, was staring down at his fly, which he quickly rezipped before anyone noticed. Then he looked up at the massive techno-organic creature. "IT'S YOU !!" he growled furiously.
"Hello, AVALANCHE!" a familiar voice rang out from somewhere within the upper chest of the creature. One of the scaly pink plates slid aside, and out stepped the man who was controlling the creature.
"Rufuth Thinra!" Aeristh squeaked, aghast. "What thinithter plan have you hatched thith time?"
"Cloud," Rufus intoned in a low, dangerous, yet unfeeling tone of voice. "I'm going to destroy you."
Cloud looked worried. "When you say 'destroy', you really mean 'have mad passionate spider monkey sex with', right?"
Barret punched him. "Foo'! That's Rufus Shinra you're talking to!"
"Yeah, I don't think I've ever slept with him before - and you know what they say about redheads..."
Rufus sighed. "Cloud," he repeated for clarification. "I'm going to kill you."
"I was afraid that's what you meant," Cloud sighed. "And I'm still horny..."
"So what is this thing?" Tifa asked, looking up at the creature warily. "And why is it pink?"
Overhearing her, Rufus smirked. "This is the Rose Quartz WEAPON," he declared proudly. "The pinnacle of Shinra technology! I'll use it to crush you!"
"But the WEAPONS were created by the planet, not Shinra!" Barret growled, irritated.
"So?" Despite himself, Rufus looked defensive. "We, uh, made one too. And now you die!" With that, he vanished back into the midst of the creature, and the scaly armor slid closed once more.
The four core members of AVALANCHE gaped up at the monster as it shuddered to life, looming over them as the cannons mounted on its shoulders swung into place. "We don't have a chance against this thing," Cloud said in despair.
"Thay it ithn't tho!" Aeristh whimpered.
"@#&^$*&^& you, Rufus!" Barret shouted, apparently channeling Cid.
Tifa, however, stood back and thought for a moment. "Cloud," she asked quietly, touching him lightly on the arm. "Are you still horny?"
"Darn straight."
"And looking for a change?
"Definitely."
"Well then," Tifa suggested casually, brushing the hair out of her eyes, "have you ever had sex with a WEAPON before?"
Cloud paused, raising his eyebrows as he looked upon their opponent with renewed interest. "Hmm... no, I can't say that I have..."
-----
Inside the cockpit of the Rose Quartz WEAPON, Rufus laughed maniacally as he readied the shoulder cannons to fire... until an alarm began beeping wildly. "What the... an enemy behind me?" he exclaimed, startled, turning on one of the monitors to look. "WEAPON, who is my enemy?" Immediately he cringed away in disgust, covering his eyes. "What is that pervert doing?" Flipping on an external speaker, he shouted into his mouthpiece. "Hey, Strife - stop that right now! My WEAPON is not to be sodomized!"
"You may think that," purred Cloud from his unmentionable position halfway up the back of the WEAPON, "but I think it likes it."
"Dammit, Strife!" Rufus yelled. "Rose Quartz WEAPON is straight! Straight!"
"Nah, it just didn't find you attractive."
"Aaaagggh!" With an incoherent noise of frustration, Rufus started pulling levers and pushing buttons like mad, trying to throw Cloud off of the WEAPON's body.
-----
"Hey, Barret," Tifa said curiously, as they and Aeristh watched the strange side-to-side motion of the biomechanical creature's lower torso, "is it just me, or is Rose Quartz WEAPON really shaking its booty?"
-----
Rufus was swearing a blue streak inside the cockpit, as nothing he could do seemed to be able to break Cloud's grip on the WEAPON. Finally he gave up, and uttered a mad, helpless laugh as he glanced at the screen showing Cloud's... activity. "I just can't deal with this," he whimpered, sobbing and giggling simultaneously. "No more...!"
The Shinra president flipped a few switches, pulled a few levers, and reached for a small controller with a red button on one end. Pressing it, he laughed maniacally.
-----
Pink shrapnel littered the area as Rose Quartz WEAPON exploded. Dodging the shower of debris, Tifa, Aeristh, and Barret stared up at the remains in wonder. "Cloud couldn't have survived that," Tifa murmured sadly. Then she brightened. "At least he won't be whining for sex all the time anymore."
Remaining outside in the front yard as the two girls went back into the house, Barret watched solemnly as little bits of flaming pink debris continued to rain from the sky. "FOR GREAT JUSTICE," he declared.
-----
"Well, I guess that's over with," Tifa said with a casual yawn, stretching her arms over her head and cracking her knuckles as they returned to the house. "The world's safe from Shinra again, thanks to AVALANCHE!"
"Thaving the world alwayth maketh me tho hot!" Aeristh declared cheerfully. "Tifa, let'th have thex!"
"Yes, let's!" Tifa said brightly, reaching for Aeristh's arm as she moved to follow her friend to the bedroom. Suddenly she noticed something was wrong, as she actually could reach Aeristh, and she'd even been able to fit through the door a moment ago. "Hey, uhm... do you happen to know where my breasts went?"
"Hee hee, I stole them!" Yuffie confessed, giggling as she popped up out of nowhere. "You know how I like stealing round things! But okay, here - you can have them back."
"Thanks," Tifa muttered, replacing them in her shirt. Then she got an idea. "Say, Yuffie... Would you like to join Aeristh and I? She has some uhm... round things... too. I bet you'd like to play with them - you're good at handling round things."
"Hee hee, leave it all to me," Yuffie declared playfully as she followed the two older girls up the stairs. Then she stopped short. "Er, I think Zackx and Sephirosth are in the bedroom right now..."
"Well then, we can use the bathroom," Tifa suggested.
"Thplendid idea, Tifa!" said Aeristh. "We can all take a thower!"
-----
Lying naked in bed, Sephirosth cast a Fire spell to light his and Zackx's cigarettes, despite Toddles the Safety Tonberry's warnings about such practices. "If you don't mind my asking, Zackx..."
"Anything, beloved," Zackx murmured against his lover's bare chest, twirling locks of long, silver hair between his fingers.
"...Why does your name have that x at the end?"
"It makes it more convenient for yaoi pairings. ZackxCloud, for example. Or..." he added, more seductively, "...ZackxSephiroth.
"Oooooh," Sephiroth cooed. "I like that."
-----
Cait Sith and Nanaki were startled by a huge crash, and looked over at the corner to see that the plant holder Vincent had been hanging upside down from had given way, causing him to fall on his head. They rushed over to see if he was all right, and found that he'd cut his forehead rather badly. After sitting up dizzily and brushing off his cape, Vincent lowered his head to the pool of blood and began lapping at it with his tongue. "See?" he told the rather startled animal characters. "I really am a vampire."
Cait just shook his head in disgust. "You're pathetic."
"@&$%!&*$&^&%!#^%$&$*#$&^&@$^%&$!!" Cid laughed from the sofa.
Still watching the Dukes, he hadn't even noticed Vincent's crash-landing. "Some lover he is," Vincent muttered.
~Fin!