Title: The Most Selfish Man
Summary: Just a little post-craziness-at-the-police-station moment.
Characters: Duke Crocker, Jennifer Mason, mentions of others
Spoilers: Across Season 4, up to 4x09 "William".
Timeline: Post 4x09 "William".
Disclaimer: Not mine, never were, never will be – sadly. All characters belong to SyFy and their original creators.
Author's Note: Well, since I'm unhealthily obsessed with "Haven" right now, I might as well use it to benefit my lousy prose writing attempts. Plus, I have a really bad feeling about Jennifer's fate (please, oh please, ph please, let me be wrong!), seeing as how all of my favorite characters ALWAYS die. So, better get it out of my system before the season finale breakdown and the following therapy [implied].
~…We took a gamble with this love, like sailing to the storm,
With the waves rushing over to take us, we were battling against the tide.
You were my beacon of salvation, I was your starlight…
"Cradled In Love" by Poets of the Fall~
They pulled up to the marina just as dusk set in, blue and purple, all shadows and dimmed colors that softened the contrast and blurred the edges of the world around them. Light evening breeze was leaving ripples on the water highlighted by the last rays of fading sun.
Jennifer's mind was abuzz.
That thing, that black… gooey implant. In her brain.
Even after weeks of living in Haven, even after seeing everything that she saw, she still couldn't wrap her mind around what happened today at the police station. And it made her scared, so scared. Knowing that it was THAT easy – that it was possible at all, for crying out loud! – made Jennifer cold to her bones. So cold she thought she was covered with a layer of frost on the inside.
It was even worse than having to deal with all those voices that didn't belong in her head. So much worse! And for the longest time she didn't think it was even remotely possible. Trapped in her own body, in her mind, unable to do anything but be a silent observer, helpless and paralyzed – it was, perhaps, more terrifying than anything Jennifer could have ever imagined, and boy, did she imagine a lot in those weeks of thinking she was really and truly insane.
Troubles Jennifer could accept. Hell, being troubled sounded way better than being an honest to God nutcase, and she was getting used to being crazy to begin with, even despite the fact that she never stopped questioning her so-called "schizophrenia", clinging on to the remnants of normality in her brain. Until today. Until that black thing made her actually believe she'd lost it. For real.
And it wasn't just that.
It was about turning into a monster of a person, into someone filled with jealousy and bitterness and hatred. About being consumed by some deep, unstoppable darkness. Someone – she couldn't recall who, exactly – said that the trouble was supposed to bring up the worst in everyone affected by it. And in all honesty, the idea of being that kind of awful somewhere deep inside made Jennifer sick. Lashing out on people she grew to care about left her uneasy and disgusted with herself.
As if all she could do was keep screwing up.
As if being a freak these past few months of her life wasn't enough.
As if she was doomed or something.
And what if she was?
"That was quite a day, huh?"
The boat was almost completely dark, and the sound of Duke's voice echoed in the corners where the shadows lurked, growing thicker by the moment.
Until he reached for the switch and flicked the lights on, chasing the darkness away.
He cursed quietly under his breath, and Jennifer finally saw that the entire boat was turned upside down. As if one of Haven's infamous tornadoes tore through the insides of The Rouge.
"What-"
"Dwight." Duke winced. "He didn't exactly follow the search procedure."
He picked up a cushion and tossed it back onto the settee. Damn, it would probably take a week to clean this all up!
"Yeah," Jennifer called back halfheartedly, taking in the mess – whatever furniture wasn't screwed to the floor was now toppled over and tossed aside; there were books and magazines and all kinds of bowls and cutlery scattered everywhere, mixed with contents of numerous emptied drawers.
Her gaze fixed on the box of stuff she'd picked up from her parents' house a few hours ago still sitting where Duke had left it – untouched, by some miracle. It felt like weeks, not hours, had passed since morning. Since—
Jennifer reached for the pink-haired troll toy sitting on top of books, journals, and what she assumed were her biological family heirlooms. Whatever they were. Just as messy and confusing as her whole life, by the looks of it. It felt like the more questions she'd been asking, the less answers she'd been getting, until she got to this exact point where nothing was making sense anymore.
"Hey, you okay? You've been awfully quiet."
Duke's voice made her all but jump and whirl around, her heart pounding. She didn't hear him approach, and now she felt stupid, and… so guilty she couldn't even look at him. Not without reliving a handful of painfully embarrassing memories at least. After everything she'd said to him at the station… And the fact that he sounded so genuinely concerned—
Jennifer's breath hitched in her throat and she swallowed uneasily, feeling claustrophobic by the moment.
Duke's eyes narrowed slightly.
"What is it?"
Jennifer opened her mouth, desperate to say something – anything, really – to bring them both back to the solid ground. Duke's closeness was almost suffocating, as if it was too much and not enough at the same time, and the boat that she normally considered rather spacious shrunk to the size of a matchbox around them.
Unable to utter a single sound, Jennifer clamped her mouth shut and just stared at him, fighting against taking a step back.
Until she couldn't take it anymore. Until she felt like she was going to explode any moment.
Jennifer cleared her throat and edged away from Duke.
"Tea!" She blurted out the first thing that came to her mind, ducking away and hurrying off towards his nook of a kitchen, looping her hair nervously around her ears and nearly tripping over the chair lying on the floor. "You want some tea? I could use some tea!" Or better – a gallon of Margarita.
Duke caught her by the arm though before Jennifer had time to so much as take two steps, making her stop and turn back to him, his brows creased and his eyes searching her face intently.
"Hey."
He traced his fingertips down her cheek, making Jennifer tense, her skin tingling under his touch.
"Jennifer?"
"Like you said. It's been a long day."
She cleared her throat again and looked away.
The awkwardness grew by the second until it was filling the space of The Rouge entirely, almost pressing the two of them to the steel walls, crushing them with enough force to smother them both.
"Jennifer…"
"I—I'm so sorry," she breathed out shakily. "For… for that paranoid stuff. At the station."
Duke heaved a sigh and stepped closer to her. His lips curved as a small humorless chuckle of a sound escaped his lips, almost inaudible. He looked down at his feet, shaking his head a little before catching and holding her gaze again.
"Wasn't your fault. If anything, it was mine, I made you go talk to that giant weirdo."
"No, you don't understand. I thought I was going crazy again. I mean for real this time. It was like—" she cut off, searching for words and shivering on the inside at the memory. "Like I could hear the voices without actually… without hearing voices. Only it was so much worse this time because with the voices I knew that I was probably losing my mind and it kind of made sense, but today I knew that something wasn't right but I couldn't do anything about it because everything felt twisted somehow, but I didn't know why or how. All I could do was just stand there and watch everything happen. Like there suddenly was two of me." She took in a sharp breath and then let it out slowly. "And I know that I wasn't CRAZY crazy before, that it was my trouble that was making me hear the voices and the barn and everything, but I did feel CRAZY crazy today, and it was…"
Terrifying.
Jennifer railed off, running out of breath.
Duke cupped her cheek with his palm, making her look up at him.
"You're not crazy. You're anything but." His eyes roamed around her face as his lips formed into a small sad smile. If anything, he looked just as desperate as she felt. "This is exactly why I thought it was a bad idea for you to stay in Haven. I didn't want you to get hurt. And everyone gets hurt here, one way or another." He paused. "I didn't want any of that for you."
Jennifer shook her head. "The things I said—"
Duke couldn't help smiling, just a bit. "Okay, it was crazy. Just a little."
She cringed a little, feeling her cheeks heat up.
"Just to get something out of the way," he went on, holding her gaze. "Audrey is my friend. A friend I care deeply about. I always will. And I will always do anything to help her. Her and Nathan." He fell silent for a moment, searching her face. "But it has nothing to do with you and me. I really care about you, Jennifer. A lot."
Jennifer swallowed, an invisible hand closing around her windpipe again. The world suddenly narrowed and zoomed in, as if there was no one else but the two of them. No one that mattered.
It frightened her. It terrified her to think that Duke had so much power over her. And she liked it. She liked the feel of it. The feel of his gaze that was almost tangible to her skin. The way there was so much warmth growing inside of her, spreading all over her body, running through her veins.
"Everyone keeps talking about how much I sacrifice for this town, for everyone here. About how not selfish I am." Duke paused to push Jennifer's hair behind her ear framing her face with his hands.
"Ever thought that there might be something to it?" She whispered. "That all of us can't be wrong all at once?"
Duke chuckled softly.
"Oh, but it's so not true. I am selfish. Maybe the most selfish of them all. You know why?" His half smile turned into an expression of wonder. As if he finally saw something he couldn't see for the longest time.
Jennifer didn't respond. She just kept watching his face, waiting, her heart thudding dully against her ribs, threatening to leap out of her chest.
"If I wasn't selfish, I'd send you off to Boston a long time ago. I wouldn't drag into all this. I wouldn't let you stay. If I wasn't selfish, I'd find it in me to let you go, Jennifer, for your own sake." Duke's voice dropped to a barely audible whisper. "But I couldn't bear even the thought of it."
Jennifer's hand slid up one of Duke's arms, closing around his wrist. His skin felt so much warmer than hers, almost burning to the touch. Her other hand clutched a handful of his shirt at his waist, holding on tight. It was hard to breathe, impossible to think when he was looking at her like that.
Duke pulled her closer bumping his nose into hers before resting his forehead against hers. "I had no right to keep you here."
"Well, it wasn't a one way decision, was it?"
"You should've left right away. You should've gone back to Boston before you got sucked in all things Haven. You should've stayed away from all this. From me." He let out a small sigh. "And the selfish son of a bitch that I am is happy that you haven't."
For all he knew, he should have driven her to Boston himself.
After that kid Tyler possessed him, after his own brother nearly killed her (and how worse could it possibly get from here, anyway?)… Jennifer helped him, helped them all more than anyone ever did, perhaps. She got him out of the psych ward. She helped them find Audrey and bring her back. God knows where they'd all be now if it wasn't for her. The least he could do to thank her for all that was to keep her safe from the trouble called Haven.
Instead, all he could think about was how alive she was making him feel and how he couldn't even imagine what his life would be like if she had left.
"Okay, maybe I am crazy after all. Just a little," Jennifer admitted.
Duke stepped back, leaning against the tall bar stool and pulling her with him, her eyes almost on the same level with his now.
"I didn't really mean to slap you," Jennifer grimaced a little.
Duke lowered his hands from her face, holding her by the lapels of her denim jacket now.
"It wasn't that bad." He shrugged dismissively. "I mean… Let's just say that Dwight takes the first prize for the most inventive way to incapacitate me today, okay?" His eyes narrowed suspiciously. "You do know I didn't seduce you for the supernatural voices in your head, do you?"
It made Jennifer cringe, even despite the fact that he was obviously teasing her.
"Oh my god, Duke, I would never—"
"Yeah, I just wanted to make sure we're one the same page here."
Jennifer sighed. "Can you just forget about it? Like, really fast?"
"Not a chance."
"So I thought." She shook her head. You're hopeless, Duke Crocker.
"In all seriousness though, I will never let anything happen to you. You hear me?" His voice and eyes became intense and urgent. As if he desperately needed her to hear him, to really hear him. And to understand it with everything that she was. "I will never let anyone hurt you."
"I know, Duke." Jennifer brushed a strand of hair out of his face. "I know."
Duke slanted in for a tentative kiss, and she stretched up on her toes to meet him half way. Her hands landed on his chest just as he let go of her jacket and wrapped his arms around her.
"Now this," he whispered against her lips, smiling because she was smiling, too, "this is worth having to deal with troubles."
"This is the craziest thing I've ever heard."
Duke bumped his nose into her cheek. "One thing you can count on in Haven – it never gets boring."
A/N: Ah, my very first Haven fic. Can't believe I actually did it!
Anyway, thanks for reading :)