Every night in my dreams
I see you, I feel you
That is how I know you go on
Luke Snyder rolled over in bed and sighed, wiping tears from his eyes. He had been dreaming about Noah Mayer as he had done every night for a week since his boyfriend's death. This dream had been about their first kiss. Luke sat up and swung his legs over the side of his bed. For five minutes Luke tried to stand up but he could not bring himself to do it. He was hoping that if he remained in his bed and his room long enough Noah would be alive and he would not have to go to the funeral that was planned for later that afternoon. As Luke was just getting ready to finally get off his bed, there was a knock at the door.
The door opened to reveal his mother, Lily Snyder.
"Can I come in?" Lily asked, peeking her head around the door and into the room. Luke gave a little nod of affirmation.
Lily walked in the room and closed the door behind her. She walked over to Luke and sat down next to him on the bed. She saw the tears in his eyes and placed his head on her shoulder. Quickly, and without warning, tears flooded down Luke's face. Lily remained where she was, cradling Luke in her arms as he sobbed into her shoulder.
After a quarter of an hour when Luke had stopped crying and fallen into silence Lily picked his head up off of her shoulder and turned it so she could look him in the eyes.
"I don't want to go," Luke said, "Because if I go that will make it final and it means he is not coming back." Tears formed again in Luke's eyes, but none escaped.
"I know, sweetie. But don't you think you will feel worse if you don't go?"
"Yeah," Luke said, looking away from his mother.
"I know that today will not be easy for you. It will not be easy for any of us. We all loved – love – Noah and we will all miss him terribly. I know that is no consolation for you," Lily said, standing up and kissing her son on the head. "I will let you get dressed. Take your time." Lily kissed Luke again and left the room.
Far across the distance
And spaces between us
You have come to show you go on
Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on
Ten minutes after his mother had left the room, Luke managed to muster up enough courage and energy to get off of his bed. Slowly, Luke undressed and went to take a shower. When he came out of the bathroom, he walked over to his closet and took out his best suit. When he had put on boxers and the pants of his suit, Luke then went to his drawer to get a shirt to wear. As he was about to take out a plain white dress shirt Luke's hand brushed against a light green one with white vertical stripes. It was Noah's favorite shirt and the one he was wearing when they first kissed. Luke stood with his hand on the shirt for about minute and then took it out of the drawer. He unfolded and unbuttoned the shirt. Slowly and with tears in his eyes, Luke slipped his arms into the shirt. Once the shirt was buttoned Luke picked out a forest green tie and wrapped it around his neck.
There was a knock on the door just as Luke walked over to the mirror to begin to tie the tie.
"Come in," Luke said.
"Luke?" Lily had come back. "Honey, don't strangle yourself," Lily said softly, seeing the difficulty Luke was having tying the tie correctly.
"What?" Luke asked, stopping mid-motion.
"I said don't strangle yourself," Lily said as she walked over to Luke and began helping him with tie. An involuntary cry escaped from Luke.
"What's wrong?" Lily asked, concerned, even more so when she saw tears rolling down her son's face.
"Our first kiss. Mine and Noah's. It was at WOAK. He was late for lunch with his father and Maddie. He was wearing this shirt and I had gotten him a tie from the wardrobe department because he had never gone home to get one. He was flustered because he was late and I said 'Don't strangle yourself' to him and he knew his father was going to be mad at him for being late and he was having problems tying his tie so I helped him. And he had a weird look on his face and I asked 'What's wrong?' And then he kissed me," Luke said in a rush, tears falling much thicker and much faster down his face.
"Oh, sweetie," Lily said, once again taking Luke in her arms and letting him sob onto her shoulder.
There was another knock on the door. It was Luke's father, Holden, this time.
"Lily, Luke, time to go," Holden said gently.
"No. I don't want to go," Luke said, clinging more tightly to his mother.
"Come on, sweetie. None of us want to go. The girls don't want to go, either. We are going to get through this together," Lily said, prying Luke off of her, taking his hand, and leading him through the door, down the stairs, and outside to where the somber looking limo was parked waiting for them.
Love can touch us one time
And last for a lifetime
And never let go till we're gone
Love was when I loved you
One true time I hold to
In my life we'll always go on
Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The limo pulled up in front of Luther's Corner's Church. The chauffeur got out of the car and opened the back door of the car. Holden got out first, carrying little Ethan. He was followed by his two daughters, Natalie and Faith, and Lily. Luke, however, remained firmly seated in the car, head down, fiddling with the watch on his wrist, the watch that Noah had given him last Christmas under the mistletoe.
"Luke?" Holden popped his head into the limo. "Are you coming?" Luke shook his head.
"Luke?" said a smaller, quieter voice. Luke's little sister Natalie had crawled back into the limo and sat next to him.
"I miss him, too. But you once said to me, when Mom went away, that she would always love us. And that she would always be in our hearts even if she wasn't actually there. Noah will always be here," she placed her hand on her brother's chest directly over his heart.
Luke looked at his sister. He had stopped crying. Natalie took his hand and he let her lead him out of the limo and into the church where their parents, little sister, and little brother had already gotten seats in the front pew.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Luke was again sitting in the backseat of the limo that was taking him and his family to the cemetery where he would bury his beloved Noah. Natalie was sitting on his left, holding his hand; Lily sat on the other side, holding his other hand. The limo came to a stop and he let his mother and sister once again lead him out of the limo. Luke followed them, walking as though he were in a dream, gliding along without really knowing what was going on. Luke hardly noticed when they stopped walking.
Luke only came back to reality when his sister squeezed his hand very tightly. His mind focused on his surroundings just in time to see the pallbearers carrying Noah's coffin over to the grave that lay waiting for it. Luke quickly and sharply breathed in as hot, unexpected tears spilled from his eyes. Lily put her arm around her son and Natalie still held a tight and firm grip on her brother's hand.
As Noah's coffin was lowered into the ground and those around him threw shovels of dirt onto it, Luke lost all sense of restraint and control and collapsed onto the ground, sobbing harder than he had ever sobbed in his life. This time, both Natalie and Faith, his other little sister, came over to Luke and held him in their arms.
When Noah's coffin was completely covered with dirt and the guests had paid their last respects to Noah only Luke, his parents, his grandmothers Lucinda and Emma, his sisters, and his brother were left at the gravesite. Luke was no longer crying but stood rooted to spot as if he hoped Noah would pop out of the ground and take him in his arms.
"Come, let's leave Luke alone for a few minutes," Holden said to Lily, their other three kids, Lucinda, and Emma.
Luke slowly walked toward Noah's grave stone, as his family disappeared from around him. He kneeled down next to the stone and stared at it.
"Baby, why'd you leave me? Why'd you have to go? I was counting on forever and now I'll never know if we would have made it that far," Luke whispered. His eyes were completely dry, however. "I like to believe that we would have. I just wish I could know for sure. I do know that I will always love you. You truly are the love of my life." Luke kissed the grave stone and stood up. He stood there for five minutes before he could bring himself to walk away from his precious Noah and towards his family who were waiting patiently for him.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Luke and Noah stood together at an altar in Luther's Corner Church. The pews behind them were full of their family and friends. The priest stood behind a podium that faced out into the church.
"Welcome. It is my honor to preside over this historic wedding," Father Jones said. "Luke, Noah, as you set out on your journey into marriage, remember that love is a precious and beautiful thing. Cherish and honor it. And now, your vows."
Luke and Noah turned to face each other.
"Luke, it's no secret that I denied my feelings for you when I first got here. That was unfair to us both. But you helped me see past my father's prejudices and everything he had told me as a kid. You helped me see what I wanted and help me do what made me happy. You gave me something to live for and I love you. I love you more than I have ever loved anything in the world. I could never love anyone or anything as much as I love you. You are my whole world, Luke, and I am so happy to be standing here today with you," Noah said, smiling.
"Noah, I spent a great part of my teenage years pining over Kevin and doing stupid things because of him. And when I finally realized that he wasn't worth all the pain and trouble, I spent months feeling sorry for myself and believing that I was going to live my life alone. And then you walked into WOAK and everything changed. There were certainly times when I thought that it was going to be Kevin all over again. But then you kissed me and you turned my world upside down. In that moment I fell completely and irrevocably in love with you. Through all the denial and fights I remained resolutely in love with you and knew in my heart that some day we would end up here. I am my happiest when I am with you and am so honored and exalted to be standing here with you. I love you," Luke said, returning Noah's smile.
"The rings, please," Father Jones said. Luke's little brother Ethan walked up to Luke and Noah with a pillow bearing two solid gold rings.
"Luke, with this ring, I pledge to eternally love and cherish you," Noah repeated after the Father and placed the ring on Luke's finger.
"Noah, with this ring, I pledge to eternally love and cherish you," Luke repeated after the Father and placed the ring on Noah's finger.
"It is my duty, honor, and pleasure to now pronounce you married," Father Jones said.
Luke and Noah flashed matching smiles and kissed like they had never kissed before.
Luke rolled over in his bed, smiling in his sleep.
You're here, there's nothing I fear
And I know that my heart will go on
We'll stay forever this way
You are safe in my heart
And my heart will go on and on
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