Thursday 19th December 2002
11:52pm
Dear Journal,
It's hell here in Sunnydale, it seems that my life is getting harder and harder each day without Tara, but today, something different happened.
Giles came back today, telling us all that we're in danger, what's new? He came with information about the first, I've skimmed through it and it's strange, apparently the first isn't just a name. The first was the first evil, literally, it came before all others and it's apart of all of us, I guess that's why when it took over my body today, I felt connected to it somehow, I felt like it was apart of me, and in a way I was right, except that I'm apart of it, there is evil in all of us and definitely in me. Also it can turn into any dead person; it can become any dead person, even Tara. It scares me that it might become her, she's my girl and if I saw her again, I don't know if I could handle it.
Giles brought three girls with him, potential slayers, the girls that might become the slayer if anything happens to Buffy, or Faith I guess. Anyway, one of the girls is the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on, I mean… Tara was beautiful, she'll always be beautiful, but this girl, this woman literally took my breath away when she walked through the door.
Kennedy Kelly, and she's currently lying on my bed wearing next to nothing and looking at me, I can feel her looking and it's sending shivers up my spine.
It's wrong to feel to attracted to her, she's new, I just met her and yet when I look at her and she smiles, Tara completely leaves my mind, even if it's just for a second, I feel like I betraying her somehow, I love her so much, and I miss her everyday, and today was the first time in seven months that I've looked at anyone and Kennedy is… gorgeous, she's nice and she knows the big secret, and she's flirting with me, but she doesn't know about Tara, she doesn't know that I feel like I'm going to fall even further into myself, pulling myself away from the world because it's getting harder and harder to live without Tara, and she doesn't know that when I looked at her today, I felt like life was worth living again, she made me feel like I could live in this world without being unfaithful to Tara, she made me want to live again and that's the thing that scares me the most, wanting to live on, without my Tara, she was my everything and with her gone, should I be able to live on, happily, should I be able to live and love again, and if I should, then is Kennedy Kelly the person to pull me out of my retrieve, is she the one who's going to show me how to love again?
I guess there are some questions that can only be answered with time, so I'll wait it out, see if she comes to me, and if she does, then maybe she is the one, and maybe love after love is possible.
-Willow
Roxanne Kelly looked up at her mother, her eyes matching the smile that was spread across her lips. 'Wow' she said softly 'so… that was written the day you met Mama?' she asked gesturing to the book that was currently lying open on the bench in front of her.
Willow smiled at her fourteen-year-old daughter. 'Yes, it was. That was the start of the battle with the first, the battle that ended it all, that beat back the first evil to this day when it still hasn't reared it's ugly head.'
Roxanne grinned at her mother 'So it was love at first sight?' she asked slyly.
Willow grabbed the journal from her daughter and closed it, trying to keep the smile from forming on her face. 'I thought you wanted to know about the battle with the first for your exam.'
Roxanne shrugged 'Yeah, but what, I don't get the dirt on you and Mama in the process?'
Willow rolled her eyes, handing a different hard covered journal to her daughter. 'Here, this is your Mama's journal, read the first page; it's the same day that you just read.'
Roxanne grinned, slowly opening the journal and noticing how different the journal was from the one she had in front of her only seconds before.
Her mother's Journal was neat and perfect, much like her mother herself, always perfect, in nearly every way. This one, which belonged to her Mama, had sketches in the corners of the pages and block writing in random places, the initials "WR" were sketched into the first margin and there was a small face with an amazing likeness to her mother in a corner on the second page. 'Wow, Mama drew?' Roxanne asked, looking up from the page to look at her red headed mother.
Willow nodded. 'Yeah, she did sketches all the time back in Sunnydale, most of them were lost in the battle, when the town was destroyed, the only reason I have these journals is because I had them in my bag, it's the only thing that I have from those days, well… apart from the memories and the nightmares.'
Roxanne nodded, looking back down to the journal; she began to read.
Friday 20th December 2002
12:15am
Dear Journal,
We arrived in Sunnydale yesterday and I can't sleep now. We got here and I met the scoobygang that I'd heard so much about, and they are nothing like I expected. I thought they'd be this organized group of professionals, knowing everything about everything and having, like, a database on demons and vampires and everything, but they're nothing like that.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer acts more like a sister and a friend than a slayer; she's supposed to be the leader of the group and yet from what I've seen, the only help she is, is the muscles of the group. The research, the tactics, the big decisions that have to be made, all the things I learned about whilst working with Adrian, my watcher, all those jobs that are vital to a plans success, are taken care of by the rest of the gang, Xander, Anya, Dawn and Willow.
Willow is amazing; she's supposed to be this big, bad witch that tried to end the world, but all I see is this really hot woman that could totally kick some evil ass if she wanted to.
I talked to Dawn and asked her why Willow looks so sad, and apparently her girlfriend was killed, I can understand the sadness, even if I've never had a real girlfriend, I know what it's like to lose someone, I still miss my mom, even after so long, I thought I'd never be happy again after she died, but I guess, then I got really close with Adrian and it was like having a real father. The images of him being torn apart by the bringers is probably one of the reasons I can't sleep properly, but it's mostly the fact that there is an amazingly hot woman is tossing and turning in her sleep on the floor next to me. The look of horror on her face says she's having a bad dream, I don't know if I should wake her or let her sleep, even with the horror struck look on her face, she still looks amazing, clutching the sleeping bag to her chest, her eyes shut tight, all color drained from her, already white, face.
Now she's moaning, I guess I should wake her. I know what it's like to be stuck in nightmare hell.
Signing off until tomorrow,
Kennedy
Roxanne looked back up at her mother, trying to imagine what I would've been like to be around during all the hell that was happening then. She had decided to study supernatural history in hopes to find out more about the slayer tradition, before the huge spell of 2003, so it surprised her when their first individual assignment was about the battle that her parents were apart of just over 16 years previously, the fight against the first. 'Was it tough on you, emotionally, I mean?'
Willow nodded, brushing some hair behind her ear 'Yeah, It was on everyone I guess, but for me personally, there was a lot going on and not just with the first. I was trying to get over being evil; trying to get the magic addiction out of my system so I could be of more help to Buffy and everyone. It was more than a challenge to even build up the courage to perform a simple locator to try and find some of the potentials, Buffy needed me and I couldn't help, I was scared and things got even more out of hand when Caleb made an appearance. I got scared and I started getting worried, I don't know what I would've done if something had happened to your Mama, she was my support, after Tara died I was an emotional wreck, you can probably draw from those journals about what she meant to me, what she still means to me, but then I didn't think I could live without her, so when your Mama came along and I felt like I belonged with someone again, it was hard for me to let her go out on patrols and go out to battle, knowing that it might be the last time I ever saw her, so emotionally, it was the toughest six months of my life, for me at least, although, pregnancy wasn't a joy ride.' She smiled, trying to lighten the mood.
Roxanne smiled at her mother, reaching up and hugging her tightly. Willow pulled back and pushed some dark hair out of her daughter's eyes. 'You know, it seems like yesterday when I met your Mama, I can still remember what she was wearing, how she wore her hair, that cute little, mischievous smile that you inherited, you look just like her, you know that?'
'Yeah, I know. I miss her mom.'
Willow pulled her into another hug, running her hand over the smooth brunette hair that flowed to half way down her back. 'I know baby, I miss her too, every second.'
Tears rolled down each of their cheeks as they held each other tightly, memories flowing through each of them about the woman they both loved more than life. 'I wonder if she misses us, I mean, is she up there somewhere, in heaven, looking down on us, I mean, will I ever get to see her again?'
'I don't know sweetie, I wonder too.' She pulled away from the hug and looked into her daughter's eyes, the only part of Willow that was visible in their daughter, Roxanne being a spitting image of Kennedy, and she smiled sadly, tears still running down each of their faces. 'Come on, keep reading…here' she flicked through the pages of her own journal and handed it to her daughter, 'Read this'
Sunday 29th December 2002
1:54am
Dear Journal,
Buffy fought the Turk-Han tonight, we defeated it well… she defeated it but, I helped. We fooled the potentials, got them to a place where they could see Buffy take him out, it was a scary fight, I was so close to jumping down off the ledge and sending a fire ball at the thing, but I managed to keep my cool.
Kennedy was amazing, she did everything she could to try and help, and she even offered to stay with Buffy while everybody else ran. I can't believe she was so brave. We've been talking and she's, like, rich, apparently the house that she grew up in, had wings, like a hospital, only thing is, she's still growing up, she's 17, I'm 22, that's a big age difference. I guess that's not really a factor anyway, it's not like I can date her, she's a slayer, well, she could be a slayer, if she never is then she'll be disappointed, if she is to become a slayer, then something has to happen to Buffy, I can't handle that right now.
God, I miss Tara, at least if she were around I would have some kind of control over my magic, I wouldn't go completely homicidal every time I tried to use my powers, she grounded me, especially when it came to my powers, that was a promise she made to me along time ago, back when we first got together.
Sometimes I wish I'd never found her, it would've saved a lot of pain, for both of us, my powers wouldn't have spiraled out of control, they wouldn't have advanced in the first place, Tara wouldn't have got brain sucked by Glory, if it weren't for me a wonderful, beautiful and amazing woman would still be here, she belongs here, I'm just a waste of space and I sometimes wish that it were me by that window, at least then Tara would still be here, she should still be here, she deserves it, after everything I've done, to her, to my friends, after what I did to Warren and Drack, I don't deserve to live, I shouldn't be here, it might simplify things if I weren't.
I should go to bed, it's late and Kennedy is looking at me strangely, maybe she thinks that it's weird for a 22 year old to have a journal, that's another thing I started because of Tara, it's kind of like a ritual now, writing my life's events down to be read in the years to come, I guess I kind of like to keep my life on record, Andrew seems to think it's a good idea.
-Willow
Roxanne looked up once again, for the first time realizing how hard it was for her mother to move on from Tara. Of course she knew about Tara, she knew about the magic troubles that her mother went through after Tara's death and she knew how close her mother came to ending the world because of her pain and grief, but for the first time in her life, Roxanne realized how much her mother loved Tara and how difficult it was for her to even think about dating again. 'You really loved her didn't you?' she asked her mother
'With all that I was, she still has a place in my heart.' Willow smiled, thinking about her first love, the first woman she'd ever fallen in love with. 'Then I met your Mama and my life before seemed to be some kind of strange dream. When I was with your Mama, I felt like I was floating on air, she made me feel so beautiful and wanted and being with her felt so right, when we first got together, I felt guilty, I felt that I was betraying Tara, but after I realized that she'd want me to move on, your Mama and I got pretty serious, and I fell in love again, and that made the whole thing even more scary, just the thought of losing her made me feel like I was dying.' Tears flowed freely from Willow's eyes as thoughts of her late Wife filled her mind. 'I miss her so much Rox, I don't know what to do with myself, when she was here, I always knew what to do, she gave me this confidence, I love her, and now she's gone and I don't know how to keep going without her.'
'It's ok mom. Come on, read with me, we'll remember her together' she moved around the table and sat next to her mother, feeling her mother's warm arm wrap around her back 'I love you mom'
'I love you too babe. And we both love you, Kenn' she said running a finger down the face of the journal, before flicking it open and starting to read and remember.
THE END
Thank you for reading!
There will be a sequel to this story, which should be ready soon.
This will be for Willow/Kennedy and Faith/Buffy shippers mostly. Let me know what you think.
Adios
KKftKK