God save the Queen

This little piece is a kind of introduction to Unforgiven Pride, a much longer story about surviving the second war.

1970

"You have to cry, Sev!" said Lily, raising from the dead.

"Men do not cry."

"Yes, they do."

"My father says men do not cry." It was one of the things Tobias Snape insisted on and Severus had long learned to bow to the power of conviction of his father's cuffs.

"But you have never been at a funeral. I'm sure he would cry too. It is ob... Ob-li-ga-tory. Uncle Mark sure cried, and all the cousins too. I didn't know Great-Aunt Eliza very well but I sure wept with all the others."

"Mmm." He was not convinced. "And Petunia? Did she cry?"

Annoyed, Lily reluctantly answered, "She didn't, but only because she applied herself very hard not too. She said she didn't want to have puffy eyes but she dabbed her eyes with her handkerchief like the others."

"I do not want to have puffy eyes, either. My father won't like it."

It was the ultimate argument of course, but Lily was not so easily defeated.

"You don't have to have puffy eyes. You just put your face in the handkerchief and you make crying noise, like that."

"I prefer to be dead."

"Oh! No!" She stomped her foot. "You've been dead twice already, this is my turn."

"Can't we die together?" he proposed, not really hopeful.

"No, because it's not fun! I will die, and you will cry! And you will shower flowers over me, and I will be so beautiful, you will regret me all your life. Understand?"

He understood very well and managed to perform to Lily's satisfaction. In return, she consented to play Gobstones - which was quite nice of her since Severus always won.

He was more reluctant and self-conscious the day she got him through a marriage ceremony, because he really did not like the knowing smiles Mrs Evans shot them from the kitchen but it was rainy. That is to say rainier than usual, which in Cokeworth means a steady downpour, and there was no chance to play outside.

He stood his ground when he had to kiss the bride – straight on the cheek.

§§§

1973

September 1st, 1973 was surprisingly awkward for the beginning of Third Year, which is generally considered as the most pleasant for students. By that time, they know everything there is to expect at Hogwarts. They know their mates, their teachers. They are getting familiar with most subjects and there is not much pressure yet for results and future career orientation.

Mr and Mrs Evans had driven Lily and Severus to London and King's Cross just as usual but there was something strained between them that her parents did not understand. The children had not quarrelled. They were not in turns anxious and excited like the first year. Petunia had elected to stay the day and night at a friend's and was not there to bicker with them or complain they were crowded.

You could not exactly say that something was wrong. It was just that any communication between the two did not sound as natural as it used to be.

The adults shared more than one curious glance or shrug but knew enough not to press the point. It was obvious they did not have a clue about the situation.

Thank heaven for that. Lily did not even dare acknowledge to herself what the problem was. As for Severus, he would have died before speaking about it.

It was just so embarrassing.

Growing.

Or rather, in this case, Lily growing – because Severus did not.

When they climbed down the Hogwarts express in June, Lily was a head taller than Severus and you could not miss the nice, round buds under her blouse. Mum and Dad had exclaimed that their little girl was not little any more. Dad had teased her a little, but stopped when he considered Severus.

The Snape boy was very much the same, unfortunately, and there was not any kind of consolation prize to offer him. Telling someone that they are not as scrawny as they used to be is not much of a compliment. Not when they are thirteen and still look like ten.

As could be expected, Lily reached mid-summer rather curvier (which made Severus nervous for reasons he did not understand) but also standing a head and a half taller than him. And that was downright humiliating.

Hanging around together was becoming increasingly uncomfortable for the both of them.

There had been no more bathing after the awful day in July when Petunia insisted on coming.

"I've the right to bath, too and since Sue and Jane are on holidays, I don't want to go alone."

As expected, the pest had spent all the time mocking Severus' apparent ribs, diminutive size and telling him that he had to be already drinking beer like his father to be pot-bellied.

After that, Severus had not tried to abscond too often. It may not have been possible anyway, once his father made it clear that he would be needed to sand and paint the fence, shutters and garden shed. There were also tiles to carry up and down while his father repaired the leak in the roof and then, once Tobias Snape was in full flow, the entire roof to fix and reinforce.

Then, there had been wood to carry and pile up for winter. Just before it was delivered, Tobias got himself hired for an urgent job of fixing school premises for the City of Manchester. He had to leave for the week. He made it very clear to Severus that the wood had to be properly stacked in a dry place when he came back on Saturday, "or I'll know why."

When Severus managed to leave home, thoroughly knackered, and made his way to the Park, Lily more often than not made excuses to leave rather soon. It was too late. Her mother needed her. She had to go out or to play with Tuney to appease her sister's jealousy. It was going to rain… Which was the feeblest excuse, since it rained most days and nobody in Cokeworth would let that stop them, or they would never do anything.

When she did invite him, she generally made it clear that she extended an invitation from her parents.

Mr and Mrs Evans were still as fond and protective of Severus as in the past and did not notice the two were drifting apart.

"What's wrong with Severus? We haven't seen him in at least ten days."

"Nothing, Mum, he's just helping his father."

"But the poor boy needs a break! He's certainly not strong enough to be working. Remember, last time he dined with us? He was so tired he was in a daze. Why don't you take him bathing and bring him here for a good snack?"

"I don't know if he will have time."

"Lily! If he works and doesn't eat enough, he won't get any stronger. You've seen how thin he is."

"Your mother's right, Princess. That father of his forgets he's just a boy. He really needs the break."

Sometimes, it was even worse, because they made her feel mean. As mean as Tuney, which was something.

"You haven't quarrelled with Severus, now, have you?"

"Of course not. It's just that… He's been busy."

"Not so busy that he'd pass playing and hanging around and eating my pudding. Not Severus. You should go and ask him to visit. I swear that boy's grown shy."

"Severus isn't shy, Mum."

"No, but he's proud. You know he is. I don't want him to think he's intruding."

Which made Lily squirm because she knew, deep down, that she missed Sev but she also did not want to be with him too much these days and feel ashamed. And Sev was not obtuse. He had picked her mood all right. The last time she had seen him, it was from afar. He had just waved and gone on playing football with the boys of the Pakistani grocer.

And she simply could not stand it when Tuney herself meddled.

"You're not going to invite him again? I don't care what Mum says, we don't have to babysit that dwarf."

"Sev isn't a dwarf."

"Come on! At the rate he scowls and doesn't grow, in a few years time, he'll look just like Grumpy."

"You're mean!"

"He's meaner. You don't want to be friends with that freak! He'll pull you down to his level."

"I don't want to listen, or you're going to pull me down to your level."

"The princess still needs to be with her toad to feel goody-goody, I see. Makes you think you're better than anyone else, I'm sure. Well, there's not many that can't be better than that Snape boy but I don't need to be near him to know it."

"You're the one who always thinks she's better than others but nobody else can see it. You don't need to be near anyone for them to know you're a cow."

"Am not!"

"Yes, you are!"

"Girls! You're not quarrelling again, are you?"

Lily was as frustrated and angry with herself as with Severus, and she was not even sure why.

What she knew was that she could not stand it any more when people exclaimed in the street how she had grown, and then how poor little Russ Snape had not and wasn't it just a shame?

The last straw came when they went to the new shopping centre and a very amiable old lady chatted with Lily and ended calling Severus "your little brother". They both turned crimson. Later, they tried to laugh about it and mock the blind, old biddy, but it was half-hearted at best.

So, things were somewhat tense and it did not stop just because they boarded the Hogwarts Express.

They sat together as usual after Mr Evans put their trunks side by side in the same compartment and they all said their good byes.

The train had hardly left London, when the door opened. A pair of tall, gangly boys charged in, very much like Jacks-in-the-box.

"Surprise!" clamoured viciously Sirius Black. He could not say more, as Potter stopped in his track and he collided with him. James whistled long and breathy when he took in all the changes in Lily's figure.

"Wow! Evans!"

He could not say more, but his bulging eyes and frantic swallowing said it all as he waddled nervously from one foot to the other. Sirius gave a long look himself to the very obvious and very engaging boobs of Lily Evans in the tight muggle blouse. She certainly looked much older and mature than her age but it was James who always wanted to be sweet on her.

He soon turned to grin sadistically at her companion. This is what they had come for after all, a good laugh at Snivellus, because the weed was no taller than he had been last term and maybe even thinner. His hair was a limp disaster with no shine in it and his skin looked... odd. Like he was old, even if he had no wrinkle.

James guffawed. "You may consider getting rid of that runt at last. People will think you're babysitting a premature baby troll."

"Now look here, James Potter! I'll have you know..."

Severus did not hold any illusion that Lily chewing out Potter had more to do with her dislike of the pretentious toerag than out of true regard for him.

He pretended to himself that it was good enough… Better than nothing at least.

It set the tone of their first weeks at Hogwarts.

Lily was spending more time with the other Gryffindor girls. Her meetings with Severus were friendly but mostly utilitarian. They still shared the same table in the Library to do their homework, both preferring the quiet of the place to their crowded Common Room or their dorm. It was a mutually benefiting arrangement. Severus was a natural at Potions and he excelled in Herbology and DADA. Lily was stronger than him at Charms. They struggled together to understand the higher concepts of Transfiguration but knew how to research and to emulate each other.

Severus's Slytherin mates mostly ignored him, except when they needed help for their own homework, or when they attended the duelling club. It was the only time Severus was a prized partner.

The Evil Four, as he thought of Black, Potter and Co, were not as nasty as usual—they were worse. Severus not growing seemed to make them even more vicious. Verbal abuse escalated, as they never missed an opportunity to call him midget, wimp, goblin face, tadpole, moron, elf mug and more often than not Shrivellus. When there was no girls around, it naturally escalated to small cock, eunuch and of course, humiliating sexual jokes.

"Can't even call you a wanker with nothing to go for."

"You have to put the seat down to piss, right?"

"Still having your small problem, Shrivellus?"

"Maybe if you water it, it'll grow."

One morning, on the way to Flitwick's class, Potter and Black flanked him and one of them tackled him. As he rolled down the stairs, they called out, "Watch out! Something's dropping dung." Of course, it set most students laughing.

Lily darted to help Severus straighten himself but he could see she had found it funny until she realised he was not able to stand by himself. With what he thought great dignity, he told her she did not need to miss class for him and that they would see each other later. Dubious, she still insisted she would go to the Infirmary if she did not see him in Care of Magical Creatures.

It was a grumbling Filch who found him later and carried him to the Infirmary to have his sprained knee taken care of.

It seemed just like any ordinary, rotten day in the life of Severus Snape at Hogwarts, but his fall was to set a course of events that he later considered almost miraculous.

Before positioning herself to heal his knee, Madam Pomfrey routinely made a palpation to determine if there were other painful areas and assess tenderness. When she put her hands on Severus' belly, she frowned and narrowed her eyes at the suspicious distension.

After she fixed the ligament, she had Severus naked in a trice, adding to his humiliation with the most embarrassing physicals he had ever had—she even measured the size of his testicles.

She was scandalized to diagnose what she called resentfully "a muggle ailment of the poor" and pledged that she was not going to wait another day with a stunted child at Hogwarts. He needed vitamin and nutrition supplements, she muttered, and more food… And she was going to give Horace Slughorn a piece of her mind. Some Head of House, he was! Severus was almost sure he heard something like "that selfish, lazy old walrus", but it might have been wishful thinking.

When Lily arrived, she was horrified when Madam Pomfrey told her that she counted on her to make sure Severus ate the fruits and healthy snacks she had ordered the kitchen elves to deliver him between classes, because his delayed growth was due to malnutrition at home.

She cried for good when the matron explained that wasting more calories working than he actually ate was the source of his problems, including his hair and skin troubles.

She could not help thinking that her mother was right, and that, had she invited Severus as often as her mother suggested during the summer break, he would have eaten a little more.

Next time Sirius made fun of Severus from the Gryffindor table, she exploded: "he's ill, you heartless git! Ill! I can't believe even you could be so low as to make fun of it. You can't even begin to imagine what he's gone through and you're just here, laughing like the selfish, spoilt prat that you are."

Neither Sirius nor James took it very well but for once, Remus stepped in. He was still pale and tired, having gone through one of his own illness episodes just two days earlier. "Lily's right. You're out of line."

Strange looks passed between the four friends that Lily did not understand but Sirius muttered something under his breath, James shrugged, Peter blushed and they all returned to the business of stuffing themselves like the bottomless pits healthy teenagers are.

By Halloween, Severus was no taller but he looked much healthier and he did not feel tired all the time. Soon enough, he went through the first of a series of delayed but very welcome growth spurts. He did not mind waking up with agonizingly aching members when Madam Pomfrey assured him that his body was only catching up with normal growth.

During the Holydays, he had even grown a little body and facial hair and, unfortunately but just as inevitably, developed a very bad case of acne. He was still desperately thin, only now like a garden stick rather than a mere twig.

He got his best birthday ever when he noticed, while kissing Lily thank you for the illustrated she offered him, that he was less than two inches shorter than her.

Winter and Spring saw him still catching up in growth with his mates, and even overtaking quite a few.

Most people did not notice. As for Black's gang, they were busy with some mysterious project and mostly ignored Severus, except for the routine of insults in passing and class pranks. He just hoped it would last.

§§§

Easter break of 1974 brought a surprise for the teenagers of Spinner's End. The social workers had managed to convince the town council to offer a cultural event to the young and they had booked a bus to take them to a concert in Manchester. It was not too expensive, since the main group, Queen, was for the first time top of the bill. Boys and girls from other parts of the town also attended, but for those of Spinner's End it was a very rare treat and they accounted for most of the seats.

If truth be told, had the council read more than the enthusiastic description of "a fresh, new breeze into the world of rock" and known about the stage antics of singer Freddy Mercury, they would not have financed the event… Which would have been a pity since a great time was had by all—except the accompanying adults who had to deal with unbridled, hyper teenagers during and after the concert.

Lily sat by Petunia on the way to the concert but her sister had coyly used the excuse of Lily hanging with "that boy who attends the same boarding school" to insinuate her way near a nervous-looking boy from Upper Cokeworth, that she knew from secondary school. The obviously well-to-do teenager was sadly out of place in the group and felt rather self-conscious. He was grateful to find someone who was not a total stranger, all the more since Petunia managed to make him feel like he was saving her from the uncouth crowd. She insisted that she came from the "other side" of Spinner's End – the respectable side.

Lily's eyes took a strange glint when Severus pointed his finger at her usually proper sister all but glued to her new friend as they ignored them and step in the bus together.

Several couples of their own crowd passed them, exchanging winks and friendly jokes. Fiona, the acknowledged Belle of many a teenager's dreams – she was known to go "all the way" with the lucky guys who caught her fancy – pushed Lily straight in Severus's arms in passing. "Kiss her, you twit! That's what she's waiting for."

He stared wide-eyed at Lily, who was now a head smaller than him. She was just the right size to put her cheek on his shoulder and as she was pressed against him, he felt… He swallowed. Yes, it was her breasts and nipples he felt against his chest.

His heart began to beat a mad tom-tom and he felt suddenly hot all over. Lily flushed but also smirked in just that way…

Slowly, he inclined his head. Their lips met mid-way.

There was almost general snogging and petting in the bus on the return trip. Random or established couples all managed to sit side by side in the leaving crush and the tired, harassed sponsors who had mistakenly believed they all would be too knackered to do more than sleep all the way home never managed to re-establish the gender separation. They soon gave up since nothing definitive could happen in a crowded bus.

All night long – if you can call it night when you go to bed at four in the morning – Severus dreamt of Lily. Lily's lips, and the Strange but intoxicating feeling of their tongues in each other's mouth; Lily's hands on his arms and around his neck; Lily undulating like a siren against him, his pants suddenly shrunk at least a size too small… He woke not once but thrice in the kind of wet state he did not want his mother to know and had prompted him since the winter break to volunteer to do the washing.

He was still in a bit of a daze as he made his way to their meeting place. Miraculously, it did not rain and it was even quite sunny. They had agreed to meet at 16:00 but, after last night, he did not dare hope that she would come.

He did not know himself if he wanted her to come or not, because it was going to be really awkward if she regretted it. She never said that she wanted to be his "best friend" as they called it in Spinner's End, and he did not know if he would have the nerve to ask her.

For once, we will excuse him on the grounds of normal teenage angst but he should not have worried.

Not only did not she regret anything but Lily had already used to advantage the fact that Petunia had as much to hide to their parents as she did.

The sisters sought out Fiona, who was looking somewhat the worse for wear after last night but good-naturedly shared some of her experience - after a little laugh at their expense. So, the proper Evans sisters were feeling the itch at last, eh? Scarlet-faced, Tuney had muttered about love and feelings, which only sent Fiona into stitches.

Lily did not care what Petunia would do with such wisdom as "never let him have his way before he's properly fingered you, or you're sure to be disappointed" and "never, ever grant anything below waist before he's procured condoms, not if you don't want to be knocked up. He'll whine he hasn't any but they always, always manage if it's that or nothing."

She knew what she wanted.

Severus did not mind any of her requirements.

§§§

November, 26th, 1991

She could not help smiling as she watched him lounge on the other chair. The last time they had shared breakfast in her room had been eight weeks ago. Eight weeks – not that she had been counting, of course, but never since the beginning of their arrangement had they stayed apart for so long.

She knew the arrival of Harry Potter at Hogwarts had been a shock for him. An expected shock, but a shock nonetheless.

None of them had thought that the boy would be almost his father look-alike, although she did not know if it would not have been even worse for Severus if he had favoured Lily.

He had decided from the first that the boy had to be just the same spoilt child that his father had been—and that his own godson, Draco Malfoy, was turning to be in spite of Severus thinking that the sun rose over the boy's head.

What she had not anticipated was that the presence of Harry Potter might jeopardize their intimacy. Severus had been cranky for a whole fortnight before the beginning of term, and totally edgy the first week.

It was also very unusual for him to come to her the first week of term. It was a time when all Heads of House were much too tired for anything else than exhausted slumber, after hours of reminding rules and proper behaviour to the elder students, and attending to confused, home-sick first years late in the evening.

He had surprised her by Flooing into her chambers and if she had not exactly been in the mood at first, he knew her buttons much too well. She knew his too, and she was not surprised when such urgency ended a little too abruptly. She did not even try to chase her own pleasure, sure she would not be able to reach her peak in time with him. He would make it up to her another time.

Tired as they were, they both drifted almost immediately to sleep. It was not yet midnight, though, when she woke, feeling him starting to move out of the bed. She knew immediately there was something wrong when he kissed her but served her the very slim pretext of an experimental brew to attend to and left.

Say what you want, he had been avoiding her since then. He even managed to assign detentions every week-end and cry off from their ritual evening out.

At first, she had been annoyed. The man was ridiculous if he was thinking she would carry a grudge for one very unusual bout of selfishness.

Then, she wondered whether he was finally bored with her. Maybe, he did not desire her any more. She acknowledged with painful honesty that she was not getting any younger or more attractive.

Or he had finally met someone, as she had always expected. Someone he could meet openly, without fear of scandal or retribution. Someone who would not be called a disgusting, shameless old cougar if they were outed. But for Pity's sake, he could say it to her face!

As weeks became a whole month, and another week, and yet another and there was no sign of any change in his routine, she began to worry for him.

Maybe, Dumbledore had discovered some threat on Harry Potter's safety and assigned Severus more rounds or a return to spying.

That, or the Headmaster had discovered their arrangement and put his foot down. It would be just like him to use his hold on Severus to bully him into ditching her, and to leave him come off worst with never a direct word to her. The meddlesome old coot knew very well that she would send him packing if he dared to speak to her and interfere in her private affairs.

Just as suddenly, things were back to normal. On Friday, he informed her at the Staff table that he had no detention scheduled for the week-end. She raised her eyebrows and he smirked. "Would you prefer to go to the Three Broomsticks… With the plebeians… Or to Samuel's Wine Bar? I hear they've received the young wines."

"It's a long time since we've been to Samuel's."

Rolanda sniggered that not having to cover for them on Friday night had been to good to last, and that she just knew that neither he nor Minerva could resist the call of good wine for long. Septima insinuated that Snape was experiencing withdrawal, or how could he account that he had not been able to deduct more than twenty points this week? The two silly witches joined with Pomona to split their sides laughing.

Now, a cup of coffee in one hand, a buttered and jammed toast in the other, he had just exchanged his Prophet for her Scotsman. Occasionally, he would glance up and smile – that lop-sided, rueful little smile of his. She would never say it aloud, but she found his bad boy look irresistible in the morning, with his rumpled hair and stubble.

She had obviously been daydreaming, because he had eaten his toast and his now empty cup had been discarded. He was scowling and tapping his fingers on the table in annoyance.

"You're not sulking again about Harry Potter!"

"Mmmm? No. Though I'm entitled to, considering the brazen way you dragged him into the Gryffindor Quidditch team."

"You're just a sore looser, dear."

"Says the woman who's been sulking every leaving feast for six years because my Slytherins won the House Cup."

"Please. It's the first time since the beginning of term that you've returned to my bed and you're sulking. Don't deny it. Am I to assume that you're tired of our little agreement?"

"Did you find me 'tired' last night?" He smirked.

"Don't fish. I'm just trying to understand what's up with you."

"Nothing."

She raised her eyebrows. For good measure, she pursed her lips, waiting.

He shrugged. "Have you ever heard of Freddy Mercury? Or of a rock group called Queen?"

"Ehh..."

"I didn't think so. Well, I happen to have… fond memories, I'll say… of going to one of their concert."

"Severus Snape at a muggle rock concert? Ha! How old were you?"

"Fourteen."

"That accounts for it, I suppose."

"I rather liked the Manchester punk scene, if you want to know."

"I don't. And I'm still waiting."

"Well, Mercury's dead. That new disease, they say."

"AIDS?"

"Yes." After a time, he snorted. "I suppose it makes me feel old." He smirked at her. "You know the feeling… You can whine rather convincingly for hours on the subject."

She swatted him.

He smiled affectionately. "The group say they will carry on."

She smiled back. "As do we all."

"As do we all, yes."

The End