Innuendos are fun
an/: I dont own Harry Potter but at least I got me the books!
"Hello, and welcome to the Grangers'!" a man and woman smiled brightly. Actually, very brightly, their perfect smiles almost blinding poor Harry and Ron.
"Er, hello," Harry said, partially trying to shield his eyes. Ron nodded his greeting.
"Well, come on in, Hermione is waiting for you two!" Mrs. Granger said happily, ushering the two in.
The house seemed to have a heaven-ish motif. Not that there were cherubs or clouds or pearly gates. It was that everything was a blinding white. Both parents were wearing their white dental suits for some reason, and their pearly teeth did anything but absorb the fluorescent lights and chandeliers that decorated the ceiling and walls, both of which were white. And yes, even the carpet somehow remained in its newly bought state.
"Shoe's off!" Mr. Granger reminded with a pointed finger and a grin.
Both boys pulled off their shoes revealing their once white socks that had turned into a gray shade. Mr. Granger grimaced. "Better take those off too."
It was Mrs. Granger that led the two boys and her husband through the white tiled rooms and finally into the dining room, 6 wood chairs painted white, a matching table, covered in porcelain utensils and plates. And a white table cloth.
"Please, take a seat," Mrs. Granger smiled, sitting at the end of the table while her husband took the front. Ron sat beside Harry on the left side of the table, opposite them being two free seats, one for Hermione. The other one currently had a large orange ball of fur on it, Crookshanks. Ron frowned.
"I'm so glad Hermione invited her friends over for a Christmas dinner!" Mr. Granger spoke happily. "Its been horrible having her always put the burden of cooking on other people when she has yet to repay them."
"Nah, my mom loves to cook. She even sends stuff to Harry everyday," Ron replied.
"And its good to know she has such nice polite responsible friends," Mrs. Granger smiled.
"Heh heh…" Both Harry and Ron trailed off, wondering what Hermione was telling her parents about them.
"Uh, hey, where is Hermione?" Harry asked, leaning over the table and looking through the doorways of several rooms that branched off the dinning room.
"Oh, why she's preparing the dinner!" Mrs. Granger said. "She took so many culinary classes its amazing. She said it was something about how more people should learn to cook themselves instead of having house-elves do the work."
Both boys nodded. That definitely sounded like Hermione. "Hope she doesn't make us cook our own food at Hogwarts when we get back," Ron whispered to Harry who laughed quietly. Mr. and Mrs. Granger stared at them with a look of annoyance.
"Yes? Something funny?" Mrs. Granger asked. They thought her eyebrow had twitched.
"Uh, just a joke…" Harry thought up quickly.
"May I hear it?" Mr. Granger asked, smiling similar to Snape when he had just taken 100 points off Gryffindor for a dropped quill.
"Uh…" Harry looked at Ron who was shaking his head. Harry mentally prayed for a miracle. Then the phone rang. Maybe this house was heaven.
Mr. Granger excuse himself while Mrs. Granger remained to smile at them sweetly, patiently waiting for her husband's return.
"Jen! Emergency! Hurry and start the car!" came Mr. Granger's voice from the living room where he placed his hand over the lower half of the phone.
Mrs. Granger stood up immediately, and rushed over. "What is it?"
Ron and Harry looked to each other, assuming a family death or injury.
"Emergency root canal! Three streets over at the Robinsons!"
Mrs. Granger gasped as the boys exchanged confused looks. "Uh, you do house calls?" Harry managed to ask through the ruckus.
Mr. Granger nodded quickly as he grabbed a box of dentistry materials, as did his wife.
"Yes, now we better be off! This may take a while so don't wait!"
The two were off and quickly exited through the front door in a flash. Harry and Ron were still in a state of shock. Suddenly Mrs. Granger's head popped through the door- "And were trusting you two alone with our daughter." Her stern glare turned into a smile as she waved good-bye and left.
The boys gulped.
A few seconds later, Hermione emerged from the kitchen (wearing a white apron), which was attached to the dining room, separated by only a swinging door. She looked around and frowned. "Where'd Mum and Dad go? I need some help with this part…"
"Emergency root canal apparently…" Harry said with a shrug as Ron nodded.
Hermione sighed. "Um…Harry, can you help me in here then?"
Harry nodded and followed Hermione into the kitchen, leaving Ron to sit alone in the dining room. Crookshanks, who had woken up with the ring of the phone, was now doing a Cheshire cat grin. Ron gulped, hoping the two would hurry.
"Are you sure this goes in there?"
"Yes, Harry, I'm sure. Make sure its ready first though. If its not, it won't taste well."
"I'm pretty sure it's ready, Hermione."
"Better feel it to make sure."
"Feels ready to me."
"Let me."
Ron who had been toying with a fork and knife in a mock battle between his hands (the right with the fork had been winning) suddenly stopped, allowing the utensils to fall to the table with a muffled clank. What…the…
"Yes, its good, Harry. I'm proud."
"Why thanks Hermione, I don't receive many compliments about…well, I've never done anything like this before. This elaborate at least."
"You should. However, it does look too big."
"Too big? Looks perfect to me."
"No, no. It's much too large. It wont fit."
"I say it will. And it will be great."
"Alright, alright."
Ron had clasped a hand to his mouth in shock and his cheeks were growing a bit red. Would Harry…and Hermione…really…No, of course not. He looked up at Crookshanks, as if asking for approval, but only received that same Cheshire cart grin. Ron gulped again.
"Spread-legs-FAST!" he heard Harry shout in a desperate yell.
"I'm spreading- I'm spreading!"
"That's not far enough, Hermione!"
"Well excuse me if it's rather hard!"
"Here, you hold this and I'll spread them for you."
Ron was now starting to hyperventilate. Okay, they so…were…not. They couldn't! Of course not. He kept nodded to himself, trying to convince himself of Hermione's reason and how she surely wouldn't do anything…like…this.
"There perfect! Now I'll put it in."
"Be careful Harry, I only have one of these you know."
"I know I know."
A pause.
"Hm, this is a bit tough…"
"See, I told you it was too large!"
"It'll fit, it'll fit."
"No, and I think you've gone too far in- take some out."
"But, see it fits great!"
"Alright, we'll keep it that way then. It does taste good though."
"Course it does, Hermione."
Ron was currently getting very disturbing mental pictures of what was going on in that kitchen. And while he was outside too! What kind of friends did he have?!
"Here, you squeeze," Harry said.
"Bloody hell, this is hard, Harry."
"Well I certainly cant do it…"
No, this wasn't happening. No, no, no, no, no. Ron kept shaking his head back and forth. No, no, no, no.
"Yes!" he heard Hermione shout, as if contradicting him. "This is the best it's ever been!"
"You've done this before?"
"Why of course, Harry!"
Ron nearly choked. Hermione had done this before? Perfect innocent bookworm had done this before? He didn't know how much longer he could take this. Crookshanks seemed to be ever grinning, as if he liked seeing Ron suffer.
"But no one's been as much of a help as me, right?"
"Yes, Harry, you're the best."
"Thank you, Hermione."
"Now put it in, Harry."
Ron's face was reaching a shade of red that went beyond his hair. He gulped. They…were doing it again? Again?? He couldn't stand anymore! He could see a hug. He could certainly see a kiss. A brief snog…well, not in a kitchen while making something he was going to eat…but in general, yes. But this…oh this…this had gone too far. And twice too! He had heard far too much.
With a silent growl, he stood up and walked over to the swinging door, currently in place. He feared opening it. Crookshanks, who had apparently followed him, was grinning. Merlin, he wanted to kill that cat. He could swear that "little" thing was mocking him!
Closing his eyes, he knocked on the, careful not to push it open. "H-h-hey? Harry? Hermione? Y-you done in there?"
Harry's voice came through first. "We're hurrying, Ron!"
Hurrying? He didn't want them to hurry- he wanted them to finish!
"You know, if you join us, it'll be a lot faster!" Hermione suggested from the still unseen kitchen.
Ron was frozen, one word echoing in his mind. Threesome…
"N-No! I don't want to be involved in any of your sick activities!"
With that the door opened to reveal a confused Harry and Hermione, both clothed and decent, Harry even wearing a white apron matching Hermione's
"What are you talking about, Ron?" Harry asked.
Hermione gave him a suspicious look. "What did you think we were doing in there, Ron?"
"Well…" he looked at his feet, "I kept hearing stuff like…something about legs spreading…"
"We were putting the stuffing in the turkey, Ron. It was incredibly hot and the turkey wasn't open yet."
"And Harry had put too much together so we were having a tough time..,"
"Oh…and…then about…squeezing…"
"Basting the turkey, Ron. It's very old so it's hard to squeeze.
"And then putting…something…in again…"
"The oven, Ron. Turkeys need to be cooked."
"Oh…heh…heh…"
"You pervert! Are you implying that you thought that Harry and I were doing that in a kitchen?!" Hermione accused.
"Well, that's what it sounded like! And hey, are you implying that it's okay for you two to do it other places?" Ron asked, raising an eyebrow at his two friends.
There was an awkward silence. Hermione was speechless as a blush came to her cheeks probably due to mental pictures similar to the ones Ron had received. "I…"
Ron shook his head, "There are somethings I just don't want to know…"
"Anyway…supper should be ready soon…" Harry said, his cheeks a bit flushed.
"Am I sure I want to eat it though?" Ron sighed, sitting himself down.
"You'd better," Hermione glared, "It'll be another long while before we decide to do something like that again…"
"Or so we think," Harry grinned, earning a glare with a tint of blush from Hermione, and a full out shudder from Ron. Crookshanks, who had returned to the table, was still grinning as well.
A/n: So, what did you think they were doing throughout the first part of the fic, you little perverts you? I really hope this isnt R because it doesnt seem like it is to me. If it does though, simply say so in the review and Ill change the rating immediatly(I dont wanna get my account closed [sniffle])
And- Yes, I actually wrote a HP fic after how long…and I'm currently co-writing on with SparkyKnight that will most likely be one her page. About the unfinished ones I have…um…I'll try, that's all I can say.