WARIOWARE:

PAINFUL MOVES

1.

Sam & Max hit the "All Your Base" Reference

It was an awfully normal and boring sunny day in the highly anime-like stereotypical city of Diamond. Closed in his rather dark room, a lonely figure (who vaguely resembled an insane parody of Bugs Bunny) was trying to beat an old PC videogame. This odd looking wonder had white fur and long fluffy rabbit ears, he could have actually looked cute… If it wasn't for that disfiguring, insane grin eternally printed on his round head. For reasons that will inevitably cause a rather annoying damage to the already weak resilience of the Forth Wall… The game he was playing had himself and his best friend as protagonist.

As if on cue, a taller dog-like being (who resembled an even crazier mix between Humphrey Bogart and the anti-crime dog, McGruff) entered the rabbity thing's room, clearly in panic.

"Max, what are you doing!? Don't you realize that breaking the not-surprisingly weak resilience of the Forth Wall this early in the narration will make the reader acknowledge this story's sadly obvious lack of a plot and immediately stop reading it, then he would tell his on-line pimpled geek friends not to read it as well and in about 5 minutes everyone would inevitably give to it the infamous 'Worst Episode Ever' boll… Causing the very fabric of time and space themselves to collapse into a disfiguring, apocalyptic demise of terror and pain!"

The lagomorph slowly turned his huge head over his frantic friend.

"Sorry? Did you say something, Sam?"

"Nothing important, really. Since it's been a while from the latest unjustified national crisis, I just needed to make one myself… I feel relieved now." Replied the detective dressed canine.

Suddenly, the phone rang.

"I GOT IT!!" Yelled Max, who immediately darted from his seat at lighting speed.

"I GOT IT!!" Yelled Sam, who grabbed the flying rodent in midair and launched him outside the window as a random Godlike voice cried: "Player 1, defeated!"

With the confidence of a pink goofball warrior who's about to inhale his multiple enemies and copy their own abilities, Sam answered the phone.

"Hello? Ah, commissioner! Yes? Noooo… Really? When? What you say? Can I make my time? WHAT!? Sexy armored space hunting ladies turning into steel balls and squashing everything on their path!!! We're on the case!" Then he hanged up. In the meantime, Max managed to gain a 1-up, therefore he didn't die.

"What's the matter, Sam?" Asked the eager lagomorph, already savoring the idea of creating senseless violence and wanton destruction over unsuspecting criminals… And cute looking kittens.

"It seems that there are gruesome troubles at the famous WarioWare, Inc. little buddy. I still don't know all the details but, for some illogical reasons, I can already tell that this is going to be our most difficult case yet!" He said while assuming an exaggeratedly serious stance.

"What is it? Parking tickets? Taxes? Impending nuclear holocaust? Donald Trump's hair going crazy and killing everybody, again?" He inquired, bouncing like an enthusiastic geeky boy with his brand new Game & Watch. Sam was still dead serious.

"No, little buddy… This time we've got our paws foiled with the most barbaric, ferocious and sadistic form of uncivilized racket this world has ever seen…" He took a deep breath and finally added: "THE VIDEOGAME INDUSTRY!!!"

As soon as he said that, Max began to sing a rather loud Latin theme as if possessed by some unspecified evil… From an RPG.

"Estuans interius
Ira vehementi
Estuans interius
Ira vehementi…"

"Ehi Max, snap out of it!" Yelled the frustrated McGruff cosplayer, bothered by such uncalled for reference.

"Oh yeah… Just a moment of weakness. Shall we go? Perhaps I can finally get the chance to made my own game about reckless driving over innocent pedestrians…"

"Sorry little buddy, that game has been already made."

"Darn! They stole my idea! Just like those stupid Japanese fighters with those stupid names and their stupid fatal moves…"

"Get over it, Max… That Scorpion guy isn't going to pay your copyrights for that fatality. We've better move, now. Hold the fort during our absence, R.O.B.!"

The ever so efficient little robot nodded in response… Right before exploding into smithereens for absolutely no reason.

"Whoops… Guess we'll have to rely on Wall-E, again." Added Sam. And with that said, the two most efficient (and, luckily, only) freelance police officers in the whole rotten world, exited their office at ludicrous speed, took their loyal Desoto and drove away… Batman's theme song played all the time. Only a few pedestrians were rolled during their reckless driving… Little kittens were spared.

"Well, here we are, Max. The ominous and deadly dungeon of madness better known as the WarioWare, Inc." The dog stated proudly.

"What do they exactly produce, by the way?" Asked the ever so "knowledge hungered" little lagomorph freak that used to be his best buddy.

"A scornful amount of pitiful and brainwashing micro games for those kind of people who could not afford to buy real videogames. Let's enter."

A rather epic theme began to play as they approached the entrance of the aforementioned dungeon. After avoiding any sort of deadly trap and killing random spider-like creatures, the two finally managed to reach the Boss's room… Unfortunately, they didn't have the Big Key for it.

"Holy Triforce of mystical awfully vague power!!! This seems to be a dead end!" Exclaimed Sam, in his usual random way.

"What are we gonna do, Sam?"

He thought of it for a second, then he said:

"Use your head, little buddy!"

"Okey Dokey!"

Max did and the door was shattered like the hopes of an "American Idol" reject.

"Well done. I knew your reckless ability of taking suggestions literally would come in handy, someday."

"No prob. Ehi, can you please remove the giant wood splinters from my skull?"

When the two "balanced defenders of justice and civil rights" entered the room, they were greeted by a preposterous (yet appropriate) number of old fashioned "join the army"-like posters with the unmistakable face of the company's leader painted on it…

There were plenty of them. Some had him dressed like a U.S. president, saying: "If you're not with me, you're ass is mine!" And someone else with him dressed like Uncle Sam with the peculiar slogan: "I want YOUR money!" Another one was showing a half robotizied version of him that was saying: "All your money are belong to us." Sam didn't know what was creepier, the arrogant obviousness of the evil propaganda… Or the awful grammar.

Sat on his typical villain-like chair, stood the Main Man himself, the feared and worshipped as a God leader of Diamond City's most beloved (and only) videogame company… Wario!

He was a rather small man with severe dieting problems, he wore the typical biker outfit that said: "Look at me, I'm a total badass!" He had thick dented mustache and a big red nose… And, by the look of his diabolical gaze, one could tell he was just about to feast upon some innocent's flesh and eagerly devour his soul… Yes, he was your average business man. His malicious eyes fixed themselves over the pair of newcomers and his superior intellect immediately understood who those two were.

"You musta be Tom Nook's goons… Well, ya can tell to det little twerp that I ain't gonna pay!" He yelled, threatening them with a pump-action shotgun.

"Ehrrr… No. Actually, we're Sam and Max, freelance police!" Said Sam, showing his prized police badge he bought at a convenient store. Max did as well. Wario realized his mistake and put the gun away.

"Oh yeah! You're the new cabbies!"

"The what?" Both dog and rabbity thing replied in chorus.

"Ya see… Our official anthropomorphic animal-like company drivers got some… Parasite problem."

"Fleas?" Inquired Sam.

"Pikmins." Fast answered Wario.

"Ooooh…"

"So I was in need of a couple of substitute chauffer that would take Mr Shigeru Miyamoto at the airport and my good friend, the commissioner, suggested you!"

At this, Sam got excited.

"Wow, Shigeru Miyamoto! The videogame God himself! The one who's coming to this world was foretold by Nostradamus himself! The one who's own shadow could eclipse the sunlight! The one who's…"

"Did he create God of War?" Said Max, interrupting his friend's ear-tearing rant.

"No, but he invented a game in which a fat jumping plumber has to save a random princess from a giant, barrel throwing, gorilla…"

Max made a face… Which was quite the picture since he usually had only one facial expression. Sam cleared his voice and gladly accepted the job.

"Aaaah, excellent. May I present you to the rest of the crew?" Wario said right before screaming like a broken siren: "MOOOOOOONAAAAAAAA!!!"

The assumed owner of the aforementioned (or should I say, aforeyelled) name, appeared seemingly out of nowhere. She was a tall and attractive woman with long brown hair, strangely enough her attire resembled the one of a cheerleader… Who just worked as a pizza house employee no more than a few seconds earlier.

"What is it, Wario? I'm late for my fifteenth daily part-time job!" She said while trying to wear a disturbingly pink custom that resembled a platypus… Of all animals. "Buy the Monaboro, the only cigarettes that even a platypus would smoke!" She randomly stated no one in particular.

The two former freelance police officers, now freelance cabbies, were a little taken aback by this scene… To say the very least. Their stinky employer, on the other hand, just rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, whatever… Since I just finished eating my fried garlic with bean sauce based breakfast, I'm gonna spend the next few hours farting the hell out of my regal butt… Therefore you're gonna take these two rookies and show 'em how things work in dis side of the trucks."

Mona gave them a very good look. They greeted her rather stupidly. She sighed and nodded to her boss, while trying to wear a clown's nose… No one had the guts to ask what it was for.

"Okay guys, follow me… And take this homage." She sweetly remarked while giving them a 20% off coupon for a dinner at Mona Pizza. The two of them just nodded and pretended to be somewhere else.

As the trio exited the room, the WarioWare, Inc. chairman and owner began his ecosystem killing fart concerto.

"Aaaah, it's-a good ta be a boss." He proudly stated. A red energy bar with a generic skull at its end appeared right above his head. "Not THAT kind of boss, you idiot!"

Someone set up us the bombs… The stinky ones.