You know, I was having a really good day up until now. Got to kill some Nazis, got to kick both the young and younger Walter's ass along with Anderson who was acting much more rapey than usual, and I almost had the biggest bloodbath/dinner that I could've ever imagined...all the while being a girl. Yeah, it was great until the little cat-boy boy-girl shit had to ruin all of my fun. I mean, it was just a few million people, what does it matter. World War Two killed more than me.
Help me! Get me out of here! Where am I?
Save me! Did anyone know where I parked my car?
Aw dammit, why did I have to get trapped inside some hellish nightmare with you, Claire? I thought I was done with you when we broke up!
James, don't make me move my soul over to your in order to kick your ass!
Come on bitch, I can take you!
James! What are you doing!?
Mom!
Wait a sec...I was in World War Two so never mind.
Do I really have to listen to this shit?
James, I will send you to the timeout corner of this hellscape if you don't apologize to Claire!
Mom, she's a total bitch. I really don't want to have to do that.
This bitch is standing right here, bitch!
If I'm going to be damned for the rest of eternity, do I really have to listen to all of you bitch and moan?
You aren't even in this conversation!
Don't make me walk over there!
Now, I can't even think at all because nobody has ever learned the meaning of shutting the fuck up.
Hey, you can't say that to a lady!
Says you! I can do whatever I want!
That is so offensive and sexist! You are standing on that girl's rights!
Oh God, not a PC prick.
Hey, I'm a social justice warrior standing up for the rights of people everywhere!
Hey there, I'm trapped in a soul today and I still can't find any pokemon here. Is there any specific spot that I need to go?
Follow me at Dragginfire #SoulStuck
Simon! I can't find you!
Dude, I'm so high right now!
Bitch, you and me both.
I'm right here, Lewis!
All of you, SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Why should we?
I mean, we are trapped in you so we should all be able to choose what we want to do.
Put it to a democratic vote.
This is not a democracy. I drank all of your blood which means in the simplest terms, you're all my blood-bitches.
Well, England has been a democracy since 1918. You sir, are wrong.
What the hell are you talking about, England has been a democracy from much longer than that. Get your facts straight.
Wow, Alucard, you sure have your work cut out for you.
Shut up why-boner! I'm not talking to you!
You can't tell him to shut up! He has the right to speech!
He's a Nazi that is part of the reason that all of you died. Are you all morons?
...
He has the right to free speech!
Technically I do.
You know what, screw all of this! Time to die! Get over here!
Oh shit!
It feels so good having murdered all of those people. I mean, killing the first thousand felt cathartic and all, but it got really boring when I had to start killing the rest who wouldn't shut up. I've got a massive headache and I don't even know how that is possible. I'm not even really a form right now...or am I just sleeping in some space somewhere? This is way too confusing. The minute I get out of here, I'm going to just head back to Brazil and kill all of the cops there and finish the job I started. While I'm at it, I'll just put graffiti on it as well, see how long the rest of the remaining church members will take to clean it off. Oh, and I'll need to kill the pope, well, after I update my twitter. It has been a really long time since I last checked it. And then I'll need to finally bang Integra. Been holding that back for a while, maybe I could convince her to have a threesome with Betty in the mix. I just hope that I don't break her hip. Oh, and I would have to take care of that small problem in Japan. I mean, how bad could it be with just one Zombie? They can probably take care of it.
"Alucard, you nearly done monologuing to yourself, it's been a few days." Why-boner asked. I've killed this magic self-cleaning why-boning cat-boy boy-girl so many times and yet he still isn't dead yet. He's harder to kill than Ozzy and trust me, I've tried. "I can hear everything that you're saying."
Shut up and let me have this you immortal torment! I've tried everything and you still aren't dead? How is that even possible?
"Maybe you just suck at it. After all, you're a vampire." It felt like my brain was going to implode due to what immortal magic self-cleaning why-boning cat-boy boy-girl said. And nothing was going to fix that except a good plowing. Now I just need to figure out how to get out of here...oh wait, why-boner will be of use with his teleporting immortality powers. Yeah, that actually helps me so much with the stuff that I wanted to do. I can appear on any television show on Earth. I'll be the ultimate photobomber! "You try anything and you'll regret it, Alucard."
Yeah, fuck you too. Let's get cracking!
Okay, now this is weird, was it me or was the giant mutated version of Shamu with many flippers in front of me? I looked around and saw that it was space, and it sucked. There was nothing here. So, I'm checking out, time to drop by Brazil! With that thought in mind, I found myself in a police station where all the cops there, or at least I assumed that they were cops were staring at me. In rapid succession, all of them pulled out there guns and aimed at me. How cute, a welcoming party. I quickly pulled out my pistol, which was the one that Walter hadn't destroyed by the way, and held it at my side.
"Sup, I'm back and I've had a hell of a time getting here. So, could all of you just get in a line so that I can do this quickly because I really have a bunch of other things to do with my un-life." One of them shouted and all of them began firing at me. As the bullets entered me, my murder-boner began to go into overdrive which meant one thing, time to have fun. With that, I began firing my gun at each and every cop in the station until there wasn't a single person left. It was kind of a joy-killer when no other cop came to the station to attack me, I mean, what were they doing, taking vacation? Who cares. I looked at a few of the cops at my feet and I got a great idea. I picked a few of their bodies up and teleported to the giant Jesus statue which I began to graffiti with the blood of the cops. Serves them right for attacking me in that hotel, and it would definitely piss off the Vatican and Anderson wherever the hell that psychopathic homicidal priest was now that he was dead.
Then I teleported to the Vatican and into the room of the pope. I took out my gun and rummaged through my pockets before pulling out a notebook full of papers which I had begun writing while trapped in my own soul. I walked over to the pope's bedside and turned the lamp right next to him on. The old man looked much different than the last pope but I'm guessing that it's because I was gone for so long that the previous one died. Another win for me by the way. The old man slowly opened his eyes and looked up at me in surprise. I just grinned at him with a huge amount of happiness filling me. After all, Integra didn't say no.
"Who, who are you?" The pope asked me. I threw the small stack of papers to the man which landed in his lap. He looked down at what could be considered a small novel and then looked back at me.
"Read it." I ordered him.
"This is too much, how did you even get in here?" He asked me in what sounded like a Russian accent. Guess they were going to different countries now for popes. They must be running out people in the roster or whatever they do to choose a new pope.
"Read all of it or I'll blow your brains out!" I shouted at him while pointing my gun at his head. His eyes widened and he looked at the stack of papers before he began reading. He gained more fear as he read each document which entailed exactly what I would do to him after this moment. It was morning by the time he had finished reading and when he looked up at me, he had those pleading eyes. They really would've only worked if he was a chick with a big rack like police-girl. That reminds me, was she having weird soul sex with frenchy now? I would have to find that out. But back to the important topic...
"Please don't kill me." The pope begged. I shook my head.
"I'm not going to kill you, I'm going to hurt you really badly, then I'm going to eat you." He looked at me with fear and screamed before I did what I wished to him.
After dealing with the pope, I headed back to Hellsing manor where I would then have all the hot steamy threesome sex with Integra that I wished. Well I would've if there was a fucking mansion there! "What the fuck is going on here?! How the hell is it gone?" This was not fair! I was having a perfect day until this shit! My next stop and I teleported to in front of Betty's palace. I always liked to make an entrance and kill the guards whenever I went there for some poon. Betty just got me like that. So consider me both surprised and angry that London still looks like shit after the battle. I was gone for a few years and yet they still hadn't cleaned up after me? As I was about to enter the palace and speak my mind...and eat some of the guards, I heard what sounder like a pair of small jet engines flying right behind me so I turned around to see what looked like what Tony Stark would wear when he was trying to be a whiter Superman.
I really didn't want to deal with it so I just shot the guy in the face before he could say anything. When his helmet exploded and all the blood gushed out, his dead body flew about for a few seconds before dropping like Santa did after I was 'startled' by him at my feet. Since there was free blood, I thought what the hell, I was kinda hungry after doing all those wonderful things today. The blood pooled out of the Iron Man ripoff and enter my body where I felt the memories and soul of the guy I killed fill my mind. There I found out that there were...da fuck? When in the hell did everybody get superpowers and the world got filled with really bad knockoffs of Godzilla villains? I mean, sure, they killed people, but I've also killed people. Where the fuck is my Endbringer title?
Fuck-mothering Vampire is one thing but I was doing this mass killing shit years before it was cool. Those Endbringers were now on my list of things to kill as soon as possible. And then I would have to kill that Scion guy since let's face it, there is only one person alive who is allowed to have glorious hair like that and it is me. Shining golden god my ass. Now, immortal teleporting magical self-cleaning why-boning cat-boy boy-girl, where am I?
'In another world, Alucard. Thought that it would be vengeance for killing me that one time in England.' The shit replied.
Come on, really. I try and kill everyone I meet. What makes you so special that you have to hold a grudge?
'Suck it, Alucard!' He then went silent on me which left me with so many thoughts in my head. But, this new world did mean one thing. I wouldn't have to listen to Integra tell me that I couldn't go on a vacation. Change of plans, do whatever I want first, kill Endbringers and Golden dick next, and then find a way back to my world in order to have a threesome with Integra and Betty. Oh, and I would also need to get a sidekick who I could then insult and degrade and suffer no repercussions from.
This was going to be a well needed and deserved vacation for me. Time to head to the U.S.A.!
PRT Headquarters: Office Director Costa-Brown
It was what was supposed to be an average morning for Rebecca. She truly wished for nothing to happen today as she entered her office to do her daily work. Unfortunately, today was just not going to be something simple and straight. No, she had been receiving calls which she wasn't supposed to be getting from places all around the world describing activities that would belong to that of a man-child sociopath. Sadly, this man-child was also an apparent cape and no one had been able to get either a good view of him or an interaction without either seeing a red blur, or ending up dead.
The first report had come from Brazil with the murder of an entire police station which was followed with three bodies of the murdered cops being found at the foot of the Christ the Redeemer statue completely drained of blood. It wasn't hard to find where that blood had gone as the statue itself was covered in numerous slogans, pictures, and insults. This was followed by a report that the pope had been murdered in his room with a cue-stick shoved into his mouth and a rubber chicken shoved up his rectum. This was also with his room being covered in an uncounted as of yet amount of objects which ranged from paperclips to the fully working model of a Rolls Royce covered in goat blood. Follow this up with someone breaking into the London quarantine and killing one of the capes there along with multiple reports of churches throughout the United States being vandalized and Rebecca had her work cut out for her.
If it wasn't for the fact that this man would probably be needed to fight Scion, then Rebecca would've probably snapped a desk in half and gone after the man in order to kill him.
This was really a bad day for her.
I was feeling absolutely great. I had managed to destroy a few more churches before I decided to take a load off in one of the cities filled with one of the groups of superfriends. I teleported onto some docks which didn't really have that much of interest except for some crackheads who I decided to mess with by making them answer reference questions to adventure time, otherwise I would eat them. Sadly, no one knew any of the references. On the plus side, I'm not that hungry anymore! I walked away from the dead bodies which I totally didn't "eat" and I walked down the street with the moon shining above my head. I really loved taking enthusiastic strolls, sadly it wasn't in the woods, either way, there were probably going to be a bunch of bodies piled up which I definately didn't "kill" since otherwise Integra would be so upset.
I would've posted all the shit that I've been doing to Twitter but for some reason, Twitter apparently doesn't exist in this world. Only chat forum boards that I've been able to find. I still managed to make an account on the board with my TheCrimsonFker name. I swear, if someone stole that, then I would've had to hunt them down and kill them. I began posting all over the message boards about what I had done, in twenty words or less. I got a lot of followers from that and I even found a wiki about me. I am getting popular! Still, as I walked past another drugged out hobo, I heard some people yelling from an alleyway which made me smile.
More people to totally "not" kill!
When I walked into the alleyway, I heard some scuffling above me so I looked up to find some weird costumed bug person looking down at me. Maybe dressing up as a ripoff of Spider-Man was popular in this world? As long as this bitch didn't get in my way of walking then I was perfectly fine with letting them watch. Gotta keep up appearances. So I walked into what seemed like a scene out of a Tarantino movie, I mean, there were what looked like a gang standing in front of a warehouse talking about killing some kids. Definitely a Tarantino movie. Eventually one of the group members noticed me and pointed me out which caused everyone to take notice of me and bask in my redness. From the group, a man without a shirt on who had dragon tattoos and a silver mask walked in front of the spare blood bags.
"Better turn around and walk back the way that you came from or else we'll have some problems." The man stated. I let that threat rumble through my mind for the span of about five seconds. Then I began laughing in his face. What did this guy think he was, a Mortal Kombat fighter? I mean, look at this guy, he is almost copy-pasted straight from that video game. If he could turn into a dragon, then it would be even funnier. Probably had a stupid name as well. "I warned you." I kept laughing as he turned to his men and ordered them to open fire on me. I felt the bullets tear through me and I let them do so, it was just too fucking funny. Oh, if I managed to get him to say "fatality" then my day would be set.
When the gang members thought that I was really dead, as if, I still kept laughing at him before I finally managed to control myself. I then took out my gun and started to shoot each of these fuckers in the face all the while screaming, "C-c-c-combo breaker!" The walking blood bags started freaking out and started firing everything they had upon me but I managed to kill all of those guys until none but Mr. Mortal Kombat still remained. The man looked around at the bodies strew about him before looking back at me. He charged at me and it looked like he was starting to grow scales.
This guy really belonged to Mortal Kombat.
"You got the cream of the crop here. I'll give you that, those guys at least didn't piss themselves when they fought me. Then again, not that much of an achievement in the grand scheme of things. So, can you do anything besides looking angry at me? It would be really-" I didn't have time to finish as the guy then launched a wall of flames at me. Rude much! Still, we all know how that song and dance went as I just walked through the flames while humming the theme to Mortal Kombat to the guy.
"Why won't you die!" He announced in annoyance with a glare on his face.
"I'll tell ya what, if you say 'fatality' then I will tell you." I replied back to the man. He launched more fire at me in response. "I'll take that as a no. So, anything else besides the bad wardrobe and being able to become a human torch?"
"Do you even know who I am?" The man asked.
"No, should I even care?"
"I'll be the last thing you care about! I am Lung, leader of the ABB and you are the dumb son of a bitch who decided to get in my way." He was about to hold up his hand to launch more fire at me when I aimed my gun and fired at his heart. The guy took the bullet to the chest still standing so there is that. Then the bullet got pushed out and the wound healed. Someone has been eating their Wheaties. If this guy could survive taking one bullet, then it was a great day to work on target practice.
I shot his dick off next.
Lung then collapsed to the ground while screaming in pain, all the while more scales grew on his body like it was going out of fashion. "I could give you a break if you wanted." He launched more fire at me as he pulled himself back up off the ground. A bloody hole was all that remained in his jeans which slightly showed his junk to the world. "Never mind!" I then began firing as many round as I could at the guy and I started to notice how he was getting bigger, and my bullets were just bouncing off his new scales. Lung then charged at me whereupon I teleported behind him. The guy looked around in confusion before I popped a bullet off in his ass.
It seemed to annoy the guy as he just turned around to glare oh so menacingly at me. He kept trying to hit me but I teleported out of the way each time much to his frustration. Finally the guy had grown to twice his size with metallic scales covering him. I had a great idea just from looking at him. "Hey, Silver Surfer, ever seen the movie Alien?" I asked him. He looked at me in confusion of what I'd just said. Then I teleported once more. Now I found myself in a completely dark, cramped, squishy place. With great glee, I began eating whatever squishy bit was available until I finally ate what I think was his heart, or his liver. Either way, he collapsed and I took that as the chance to drink the rest of his blood before I teleported out of his body. "Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gal!" I shouted. From inside a building, a couple kids came out and looked at the carnage.
I turned to them, still covered in blood guts and organ by the way, and grinned. "Hey, kids! Fatality!" I shouted. The group of teens who were doing their best impression of a shitty team of X-Men, ran away from me. That was surprisingly smart. Why is it that no one ever wanted to run from me? They always decided to donate their bodies to hunger, more importantly, my hunger. Surprisingly, the only person who hadn't left the area just yet was the Spider-Man cosplayer. I teleported next to them before they could turn around. What I saw was a skinny person with a black bodysuit on with a mask that had yellow lenses and a lot of pieces of what appeared to be crab shells attached. I guessed it was a girl because of the long hair flowing out from behind the mask. That, or it was another boy-girl fucking with me.
"Sup." I said. The boy-girl jumped in surprise and pulled out what I am guessing was pepper spray. Wouldn't do that well against me since I was wearing sunglasses, but good effort. Since I was absolutely bored and had nothing better to do, I decided that I would use this person, or "not" kill them and eat them. "I'm going to ask you this with complete seriousness, do you have a basement and a TV?"
"W-what?" The boy-girl said with a female voice. I really hope that it was a girl, I always got cases like these confused.
"Did I stutter? I asked if you have a basement and a TV? Or do you want me to just eat you. Oh, and are you a girl by the way?" Got my bases covered now.
"Yes, I-I have that. Why do you want to know?" Boy-girl asked.
"I'm gonna crash at your place. Now, are you a girl?" I asked once again. I really hated repeating myself.
"I'm a girl." She quickly replied. "Why do you want to sleep at my place?" She asked.
"Because I can do whatever I want and I feel like crashing at someones place. I'm tired and there is nothing you could do to change my mind otherwise." I replied. That was when both of our attentions were brought to the alleyway where a motorcycle came riding in. I looked back at the girl, "I need to take care of this." With that, I jumped down to the ground in front of a guy in blue powered armor. There was a halberd strapped to his back that was quite long which made me think that this guy was compensating for something.
When he saw me, he pulled out the halberd and held it at me. "Who are you, and what are you doing here?!" He demanded to know. The guy was big, almost as big as me but did that intimidate me? No.
"Yeah, I totally didn't just kill everyone over there. Now, I have a question for you, why so serious?" The man's mouth which was the only thing that I could see which wasn't covered by his power armor frowned.
"You're coming with me. If you don't, then I will be forced to use lethal force." Man this guy was a serious joy-killer. He was like Robo-cop if Robo-cop had a halberd instead of a gun. Anyway, I held my gun at him which made him take a stance.
"I have five reasons as to why I'm not going to do anything of what you just said. One! Two! Three! Four! Five!" I shouted with each shot I fired at the guy. His armor deflected most of my bullets but I think the guy still felt it as I was using really big bullets. I was guessing that this guy had some type of perfection complex, which made me teleporting away absolutely hilarious as I heard him scream from down in the alley in anger. Then I grabbed the girl and teleported us both away to another rooftop about sixty feet away. I could still hear his scream and it was the funniest thing of my week. Either that or killing the pope. "Yeah, take me to your basement, I also want to watch some Netflix while we are at it and it better have some goddamn Adventure Time on it." I ordered. The girl looked at me and I couldn't tell what her expression was as she wore that mask.
"What's Netflix?" She asked. I felt part of myself die inside when she said that.
This world was definitely not as cool as I originally believed. "Do you have the movie Die Hard?" I asked. I think I was starting to panic. This girl better answer yes or else I would have to kill a bunch of people to make myself feel better!
"No."
"God dammit..."
Yeah, finally did it. Hoped you all liked the parody of the original HSitB. There will be more. Stay frosty my friends.