I just followed the FOTR movie storyline. It was easier. Sorry, that means no Tom Bombadil or anything. sniff Sorry you have to read this thing with no dialouges. Just...yeah. I've had a little inspiration for this parody (otherwise known as plagarism.) So, thank you Tolkien (thank you!!), and everyone else.
I do not own the Lord of the Rings or their characters. I do not own Star Wars or their characters. I do not own Pirates of the Caribbean or their characters. I do not own Harry Potter or their characters. I do not own Finding Nemo or their characters. There? Happy? NOT happy? Fine. I don't care.
I amar prestar aen... (The world is changed) han mathon ne nen... (I feel it in the water) han mathon ne chae... (I feel it in the Earth) a Han noston Ned 'wilith.ÊÊ(I smell it in the air)
Ohhhhhh, I REALLY smell that now. Someone definitely let it loose. Let loose a big one. Oh...yeah. I'll get on with it. Much that once was is lost.ÊÊÊFor none now live who remember it. This tale begins with the forging of the great rings of power. Lots of power. DARK power. MUAHAHAH..... Oh right, sorry. Three were given to the Elves, immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings (Or so they say). Seven were given to the Dwarf lords, great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls, with their hit single "Hi-ho, Hi-ho, it's off to work we go" of the first age. And nine, nine rings were gifted to the race of Men, who above all else, desire power. But they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made. In Mordor, in the fires of Mount Doom, where no swallow, laden or un-laden, could live, the Dark Lord Sauron forged in secret a master ring, to control all others. Into this ring, he poured all his cruelty, his malice, and his will to dominate all life on Middle Earth. Ê
One Ring to Rule them all... (scary music plays) Ê One by one, the free lands in Middle-Earth fell to the power of the Ring. But there were some who resisted. Like Elrond, but he only joined in because Sauron said purple and gold weren't his colors. Isildur took up his father's sword, defeated Sauron just by cutting his finger off. What it it with losing fingers, anyways? Y'know, I bet Isilsdur bit it off instead. Again...sorry. The Ring passed to Isildur, who had this one chance to destroy evil forever.
But the hearts of men are easily corrupted (duh). And the Ring of Power has a will of its own. It betrayed Isildur to his death. And some things that should not have been forgotten were lost, and then put in legend, and then remembered, and after being lost, them then suddenly forgotten, it was just lost in the general confusion of all of the preceeding. History became legend, legend became myth and for two and a half thousand years, the Ring passed out of all knowledge. Until, when chance came, it ensnared a new bearer. It came to the creature Gollum, who took it deep into the tunnels of the Misty Mountains. Gollum hissed alot and began to talk in the third person. After a confusing game of riddles, A hobbit, Bilbo Baggins of the Shire took the ring. (I wonder why, though, Gollum chewed on the thing, youd've thought Bilbo should put some heavy-stregnth sanitizer on it.) And now the Ring was passed to Frodo, who must destroy it, yahhah yaddah yaddah...
Bilbo looked down at his crowd of birthday guests. Their noses were all covered in frosting, he noted. Weird little things... you would've thought they had mastered the fork by now.
"Oh...yes, I have a speech! Eleventy-one years is a short time to live among such fine hobbit-folk. So...there is a song, that brings back many memories of our times together.
Bilbo stopped, his eyes watering. He struggled on.
"And it goes like...nintey-nine bottles of ale on the wall, nintey-nine bottles of ale. Take one down, pass it around, nintey-nine bottles of ale on the wall. Nintey-eight-
Most of the crowd was on their knees, sobbing. A few of the older hobbits wept as they sang their tearful rendition of "Nintey-nine Bottles of Ale." It was really an emotional time for these hobbits.
Half an hour later, when the song was over, Bilbo and the rest dried their eyes. Suddenly he grinned. The other hobbits stared at him, still a little bleary-eyed.
"And now," he said, grinning widely, "let it begin!
Thus began the greatest Hobbit-rave of the age. Disco lights and Gandalf's fireworks lit up the sky. Techno blared over the Shire. No one noticed that Bilbo has disappeared.
Frodo walked into his little hobbit-hole, and was surprised to see Gandalf staring into the fire without Bilbo next to him.
"Where's Bilbo?" he asked.
"Rivendell, to live with the Elves.
"Oh, yes, he's been planning that for a while. And may I ask what you are doing?
"I threw Bilbo's old ring into the fire. It's alright, I've got a bucket of water here in case it melts.
"Well, I'll leave you to that- wait, what?! You threw his ring into the fire?! DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU'VE DONE!!! He TALKS to that think for goodness' sake! He will KILL US!!! Get it out now!!
Gandalf glared at Frodo, then resumed staring at the fire.
"It didn't melt," he said happily as he pulled it out with his tongs. "Here, take it, it's quite cool
"Oh, alright," Frodo stretched out his hand, "yes, it is-AHHHH!!!! it Burns!" He chucked the ring at Gandalf. Gandalf studied it.
As Frodo frantically doused his hand in the water bucket, Gandalf read aloud the writing on the ring. "Ash nazhg durbatuluk, ash nazhg gimbatul, ash nazhg thrakatuluk, agh burzum ishi krimpatul. Well! That's interesting. Wrong thing. Oh, there it is." He muttered to himself a little more. "Yes, this it it. ÔThe One Ring- Property of Sauron. Return to Barad-dzr, Mordor. Destruction instructions- 1. Travel to Mordor 2. Climb Orodruin, the Mountain of Fire 3. Throw into the Crack of Doom 4. Run screaming the opposite way Call 1-800-MT-DOOM for assistance.
"And now, Frodo, you must understand the ring... Gandalf's explanation went on into the night, along with the introduction of Sam Gamgee into their quest.
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Frodo and Sam departed the next day. After being attacked by Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrine Took (Merry and Pippin, respectively) Frodo and Sam decided it was a good idea (for some odd reason) to take these two along with them.
"What we're going to do," said Frodo, "is we're going to go on a quest to destroy this ring. I've decided to go and overthrow the most powerful Dark Lord ever to reside in Middle-earth by tossing his jewelery into a volcano." He held it in front of them.
"Ooh" said Pippin, "what will we discover?"
"We're not going to discover anything, Pippin, we're going to undiscover uncle Bilbo's old ring."
"CAN you undiscover things?" asked Sam thoughtfully. "Discovering doesn't seem to be a thing you can UN-, if you know what I mean."
"Sam", said Frodo thickly, "You haven't any brain."
Sam shuffled off trying to look like he hadn't said anything, and that Frodo was not talking to him. Frodo continued, "Anything that can be discovered, can be undiscovered"
"My grandfather Brandybuck undiscovered his spectacles once," said Merry.
"There you go, that proves it then," said Frodo. "Of course, we shall have to beware of trolls and orcs and things that will try to stop us."
"Ooh", said Pippin, shivering slightly. "Do you mean they'll chase us with swords and other Deadly Weapons? Actually, I've just remembered something important I have to do, that can only be done on... what day is it tomorrow Merry?"
"Pippin, now that you know, you have pretty much no choice." said Frodo.
Frodo, Sam, and Merry walked ahead, leaving Pippin trailing behind, looking crestfallen.
Pippin muttered to himself. "It was their fault, anyways. No more stealing vegetables for me. And what is it with Sam? Way to protective of Frodo if you ask me. He was the one who knocked Merry over the hill. He broke Merry's carrot. And he sat on my mushrooms, the ones- I'm still eating the mushrooms!? YUCK!!! ICK!!! NO!!! I'm too young to die!!!
Frodo and the others turned around in confusion at Pippin, who was crazily scattering mushrooms and running frantically in search of water. ------------------------------------------------------------------
The Prancing Pony, as usual, was filled with drunken hobbits and humans. It was noisy, with yelling, laughing, shouting, and the occasional breaking glass as its wasted holder let it slip out of his hands.
The door suddenly swung open. A tall, dark, man stood there. He had a cowboy hat which fell over his eyes. The man placed his hand on the gleaming steel hilt of his 6.38 Anduril sword, half-holding it in as casual manner as possible. His eyes swept the room of the Prancing Pony, eyeing up the potential threats. He took out his pipe. In the palm of his left hand, he unwrapped his leather tobacco pouch filled, as he preferred, with Gondorian Silk Cut. In his pocket was the harsher, stronger Numenorian blend. Every eye was upon him. Why, I do not know. This happened every night, but they always stared at him in awe.
You'd think they'd get over it by now. Ah, well, they were probably too drunk to remember him. He took a seat in the back of the room; eventually the crowd resumed talking.
Outside of Bree, the gatemaster refused to let the hobbits in. As Frodo looked closer, he saw the man had on a shirt that read "H.A.M. Humans Against Mordor." Frodo decided to take a chance. He explained the Ring situation to the man. The gatekeeper grinned excitedly.
"H'really? I has merchandise!" he said excitedly, "Action figures, shirts, fake gold rings...
"Ohhh, I want that!" Frodo pointed at his own action figure. "But..ahhh, I don't have any money. Wait! I have a nice gold ring! Would you like it?
"No, Mr. Frodo, no!" exclaimed Sam.
Frodo frowned and tucked the ring back into his pocket. After the gatekeeper let the hobbits in, it didn't really matter that Frodo didn't buy anything; Pippin had stuffed so many action figures and rings in his pockets that he waddled a bit.
Merry, Sam, Frodo, and Pippin soon reached the Prancing Pony. The other hobbits there were interested to see hobbits from the Shire.
"Yes, well, we Shirelings have always been a head shorter than other hobbits" said Merry brightly.
"Us hobbits have been that way for a while," Pippin jumped in, "It all because of a, um, this says a Ôgenetic defect caused by toxic runoff from Rivendell.'"
Merry frowned at him "You've been reading the tabloids again, haven't you?
Pippin shoved his magazine under the table as Merry rolled his eyes.
Meanwhile, at the bar, an intoxicated Frodo was trying to sell his ring for some more ale.
"I dun wan it, isstnot shiny aneemore," Frodo slurred.
"No Mr. Frodo, we have to destroy it-
"I'll jest take yohrs then...
"Fine. Take it.
Sam, believing Frodo was satisfied, turned around. When he turned back, he was enraged to see that Frodo had gambled away the Ring to the barkeeper.
The man in the Cowboy hat stood up. The bar went silent and everyone turned towards him.
He faced the man who now held the One Ring. The man, who had perviously been grinning greedily, looked around uneasily.
"Draw, mister- uh, I mean, that Ring is not yours to hold," the dark said sternly.
The man looked around wildly, threw the ring at the dark man, and ran out. The dark man walked out, and the hobbits ran after them (It looked kind of funny, the man only walking and the hobbits were sprinting but still real far behind- never mind.)
So the guy told them he was Aragorn, and was supposed to be king, and then whined about not being King. Finally he remembered he was supposed to be hiding, and ran out of Bree with the hobbits after a brief incident with Frodo trying to hock off the One Ring at a pawn shop. Oh yeah...Aragorn finially lost the cowboy hat. ------------------------------------------------------------------ At the same time, in the darker regions of Middle-Earth... ------------------------------------------------------------------
Saruman the White was having a heart-to-heart talk with his psychologist, the Balrog.
"...and I am going CRAZY down here. No cable, no DSL, no nothing. Wait, I have got a paantir. Oh yes...I...was going to tell you about this...long-distance relationship.
"Relationship?" growled the Balrog. His bad breath knocked out a passing Orc. Yuck.
"I met a really nice guy over the palantir. He likes long walks on the beach, and-um, ahem. Anyways, he really likes me for me. But for a while he refused to send me photo, except of of a really large eyeball. He said he was shy but I rather suspect he is perhaps hairy, and I've heard some very bad stories about palantir relationships. I tried to cool it for a while...but now I know he is the dark lord of Mordor and is a disembodied giant eyeball. At least he isnt hairy.
"Good, good," grunted the Balrog as he scribbled on his clipboard.
"So then Gandalf shows up, and tells me how he gave his stupid hobbit boyfriend a ring, and I'm stuck with an eyeball. Then I find out he gave the hobbit MY ring, you know the shiny one, MINE... So I showed him some World-wide Wizard Federation moves, and imprisioned him on top of the tower. The WWF should put me in the hall of fame. I swear, I don't get paid enough.
"I see," growled the Balrog.
"So then I was climbing eight thousand stairs a day just to annoy him, when I figured I ought to put him in an easy-acess prison. Maybe with a wheelchair ramp. So I went up there, and was having a really fun time until he flew away. And I was like, great, now his boyfriend has got the ring. But at least no more stair climbs.
"Interesting," muttered the Balrog.
Saruman stretched and sat down again.
"Anyways, I've been breeding orcs and goblin men. Not easy. I could get orcs and goblin cheerleaders, maybe create a super-peppy army that loves pink uniforms. I've been spending way too much money on bleach. Saruman the White is getting to hard. I mean, orcs and goblins are literally messy business, they're all dirty and slimy. Maybe Saruman the Dirt Brown, or Saruman the Faintly Greenish. Been a bit bored lately. I've been waiting for Gandalf to do the rabbit out of the hat trick. It's fun to watch throught the palantir.
I really feel good about the Uruk-hai, though. It's kind of fun. I can get by by watching stuff through the palantir. It's pretty funny. Like last month I set up Gandalf with Radagast and they went on a dinner date, and Gandalf left him with the bill. The palantir's great. It's better than cable. Still, though, I really don't get paid enough." ------------------------------------------------------------------
The small band make camp at Weathertop. Aragorn went out looking for food. The hobbits started a small fire, except Frodo, who fell asleep. They saw a couple of horses with cloaked riders.
"Hey, look! Things!" yelled Merry excitedly.
Sam rolled his eyes.
"Maybe they have food. We need more, y'know. We're growing hobbits." commented Pippin.
"Strider-I mean Aragorn- has gone to get us food. Just stay calm-
Too late. Pippin had already shot up firecrackers and was jumping up screaming, "Here!! Over here! Come on!"
The noise woke up Frodo. He grabbed Merry and Sam and left Pippin shooting off the fireworks. At the summit of Weathertop, he was surprised to see two people at the top. The first one, who had bright red hair was yelling at his bespectacled, dark-haired companion.
"See, this is why we shouldn't go into the Forbidden Forest. We're going to get short like those three." He pointed at the hobbits. Frodo was wery taken aback at this.
The dark-haired boy whispered to the other boy. "Don't make them mad, Ron, it's not their fault they have a height disorder.
Suddenly Pippin came running up the hill, screaming "Black Riders! Black Riders !
The boy named Ron pointed to the black riders and yelled, "Look, Harry! Dementors!
Harry pulled out a long wooden stick and yelled, "Expecto Patronum!
A shiny silver thing came out of his wooden stick (Pippin tried to swallow it) and went flying at the Black Riders. It looked very much like a stag, and it began to gallop, but it went right past the Riders and disappeared. One of the Black Riders advanced towards Frodo. Frodo heard the clink of gold coins in the Riders pockets.
"Hey," he yelled, "You've got gold! I'll give you this One Ring here for...say, twenty pieces.
"Nicccceeee rinnnnngg," hissed the Rider, "fifffteeeeen piecccccessss.
"Eighteen!
"Sixtteeeennnn!
"Seventen!
"Deallllll.
Frodo reached out to give the ring to the wraith, but Sam held him back. The Black Riders did the same with the Rider, convincing him it was the last of his allowance, and Sauron wasn't going to pay him any more. Whining, the Black Riders finially left, but not before one of them ran back, stabbed Frodo, and left again.
"Ssssorrrrryy," he yelled "Didnnn't wannnnttt toooo messss upp theeeee stooooryyyyyyy.
Frodo was yelling in pain, but he still had enough breath left to offer to sell the ring to Harry and Ron.
"Sorry," Ron said, "Haven't got any Galleons on me." With that, he and Harry ran off, never to be seen again. Well, they were seen again, but it took a while, because they...just forget it, okay?
Aragorn came running back with a flaming torch, ready to light the Ringwraiths on fire, but was dissapointed to find they already left. So he set an arrow on fire, and shot them at the retreating wraiths. It hit the one who had all the gold. In his frustration at Frodo being stabbed, he also lit Pippin on fire, which in turn exploded all the firecrackers he had in his pockets.
Aragorn frowned when Pippin started yelling at him.
"They were illegal firecrackers, anyways," he said, "better blown up now than us get arrested later.
"By WHO!!!" Pippin screamed,"There's NO ONE to arrest us! And if they did, there's NO JAIL TO GO TO!!!! JUST SHUT UP!!!
"Ooh, Pip, getting VIOLENT are we," muttered Merry.
Pippin frowned.
"Don't worry, Pippin. Aragorn's just mad because he's not king yet." said Sam, and that ended the matter. ------------------------------------------------------------------
In Mordor, Balrog the psychologist was having more heart-to-heart talks, this time with one of the Black Riders.
"My problemsssss all sssstarteeeed when Ssssaurooooon gave meeee a Christmasssss presssent. It wasssss a rinnnng. Afterrrr a ccccouple hundressdd yearssss, I became dissssssembodied. At least Sssssaoron sent pressssentsssss...chocolates. He ate alll the tofffeessss, thooough. Barad-dzr wassss boring. Pllayyyyyinggg Sssssscrable with Orcsssss was borrrring. You tryyyyy sssssspelling Azg Nazg Gimbatul for a triple word sssssscore.
"Hmmm," said the Balrog.
"I worrrrrry about Sssssauron. I saaw him puttting onnn sparkkkly massssccccara. When he getssss his body baaaack, he'sssss REEEAAALLLYYY going to dresssss up againnn. He'ssss all obsssesssed with hissss ssstupid Ringggg. The Witch King of Angmar triied to hellp. He wanted Ssssssauron to put the Ring'ssss picccture on the baccckk of millk cartons and wait for calllsss. But Sauron refffusssed.
"I see," grunted the Balrog. His bad breath blew out a nearby window.
"At leasssst I got a new horse. I almosssst bought the ring from a hobbit a fewwww nightssss agoo. But the head Nazzzzghul had an atttaccckk of the giggglessss because he thought the halflings were sssso ccccute. Weee wennnt baccckk to Bree and sppennnntt allll night booooozzzing. And that kinnnnngggg obssseeeesssseed guy, Aragorn, it way too touccchhy-feeeelllyyy of the main halfling, Frodo. Ssssam will kill him iffffff he triesssss anythinggg. At Weathertop Aragorn got alll posssesssivve and set me on fire. WAY toooo posssesssivve if you asssssk me.
"Interesting," uttered the Balrog.
"And theyyyyyyy werrre tryyyinggg to takkke Frodo to Rivvvvendellll, for the Elvvvvessssss. So this Elf-girllll shows up and settttsssss a flood on ussss. I was laughing atttt thhhhhe idea of kiiiinnnnnnggg-obsseesssed Aragorn having a girrrrllfriennnd. I got wasshhhed awwwayy in the flood. My horse issss dead, and my armor'ssss allll russstedd. So now I'm backkk in Mordor, to get oilinggggg and a newwww horsssssse." ------------------------------------------------------------------ The Ringwraith was right. The hobbits headed for Rivendell to get help for Frodo's wound. And for Pippin's burns. Firecrackers really hurt when they explode in your pockets. Or should I say "pocccccketsssss?" Ringwraiths are weird. ------------------------------------------------------------------
So Frodo was healed, Pippin was healed, and everyone was happy. And Elrond, the supposed Ôruler' of Rivendell was delighted when Pippin told him purple and gold were definitely his colors.
The Elves were going to put together a group to take the Ring to Mordor. Even before I tell you who is going to be the leader of this little group, you can figure out who it is. It's always the most Ôunlikely hereo', but if who you know who the most unlikely hero is, than it's sort of obvious. Then it can't be the unlikely hero, it has to be someone else, to then they're still the unlikely hero because they were picked. It could be the obvious non-unlikely hero, but they too would be the unlikely hero, as no one thought they were going to be picked because they were too obvious. In other words, it's Frodo.
So they all gathered in Rivendell and had a nice serious talk. About the Ring. Elrond placed the Ring on a dais thing in the middle of the courtyard. He started to talk, when he heard a whisper interrupt him.
"What?" he said.
He figured it was nothing, and continued on.
"So we must have only the brave, who are willing to take it into the depths of darkness, to the- WHAT!? Who said that?
No answer. Everyone was silent.
"Ash nazhg durbatuluk," said the Ring.
"Quiet," said Elrond.
"Ash nazhg," repeated the Ring.
The beings gathered in the courtyard started saying things like "Awwwww!" and "It's sooo cute, it's learning to talk!
Engouraged by this, the Ring repaated itself in a cute little voice.
"Ash nazhg. Ash nazhg, ash nazhg! Wheeee!
"Awwww, it's so adorable!" someone commented
"Just...just shut up, okay?" said Elrond, glaring at the Ring.
The Ring squeaked in indignation, but remained quiet.
Elrond grumbled on, "You already know the point. We must destroy the Ring. For some reason, we all have to suffer because Isilur couldn't part with his jewlery. Gandalf, you have to stop doing the rabbit-hat trick. It made Glorfindel sob spasmodicially.
Gandalf stopped mid-hat trick, a sheepish smile on his face.
After a great amount of arguing, Frodo agreed to take the Ring, along with Boromir, Legolas the elf, Aragorn, and Gimli the dwarf. And Merry, Sam, and Pippin and Gandalf, of course.
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That was a nice load of crap with more coming. Thanks for reading.
I do not own the Lord of the Rings or their characters. I do not own Star Wars or their characters. I do not own Pirates of the Caribbean or their characters. I do not own Harry Potter or their characters. I do not own Finding Nemo or their characters. There? Happy? NOT happy? Fine. I don't care.
I amar prestar aen... (The world is changed) han mathon ne nen... (I feel it in the water) han mathon ne chae... (I feel it in the Earth) a Han noston Ned 'wilith.ÊÊ(I smell it in the air)
Ohhhhhh, I REALLY smell that now. Someone definitely let it loose. Let loose a big one. Oh...yeah. I'll get on with it. Much that once was is lost.ÊÊÊFor none now live who remember it. This tale begins with the forging of the great rings of power. Lots of power. DARK power. MUAHAHAH..... Oh right, sorry. Three were given to the Elves, immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings (Or so they say). Seven were given to the Dwarf lords, great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls, with their hit single "Hi-ho, Hi-ho, it's off to work we go" of the first age. And nine, nine rings were gifted to the race of Men, who above all else, desire power. But they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made. In Mordor, in the fires of Mount Doom, where no swallow, laden or un-laden, could live, the Dark Lord Sauron forged in secret a master ring, to control all others. Into this ring, he poured all his cruelty, his malice, and his will to dominate all life on Middle Earth. Ê
One Ring to Rule them all... (scary music plays) Ê One by one, the free lands in Middle-Earth fell to the power of the Ring. But there were some who resisted. Like Elrond, but he only joined in because Sauron said purple and gold weren't his colors. Isildur took up his father's sword, defeated Sauron just by cutting his finger off. What it it with losing fingers, anyways? Y'know, I bet Isilsdur bit it off instead. Again...sorry. The Ring passed to Isildur, who had this one chance to destroy evil forever.
But the hearts of men are easily corrupted (duh). And the Ring of Power has a will of its own. It betrayed Isildur to his death. And some things that should not have been forgotten were lost, and then put in legend, and then remembered, and after being lost, them then suddenly forgotten, it was just lost in the general confusion of all of the preceeding. History became legend, legend became myth and for two and a half thousand years, the Ring passed out of all knowledge. Until, when chance came, it ensnared a new bearer. It came to the creature Gollum, who took it deep into the tunnels of the Misty Mountains. Gollum hissed alot and began to talk in the third person. After a confusing game of riddles, A hobbit, Bilbo Baggins of the Shire took the ring. (I wonder why, though, Gollum chewed on the thing, youd've thought Bilbo should put some heavy-stregnth sanitizer on it.) And now the Ring was passed to Frodo, who must destroy it, yahhah yaddah yaddah...
Bilbo looked down at his crowd of birthday guests. Their noses were all covered in frosting, he noted. Weird little things... you would've thought they had mastered the fork by now.
"Oh...yes, I have a speech! Eleventy-one years is a short time to live among such fine hobbit-folk. So...there is a song, that brings back many memories of our times together.
Bilbo stopped, his eyes watering. He struggled on.
"And it goes like...nintey-nine bottles of ale on the wall, nintey-nine bottles of ale. Take one down, pass it around, nintey-nine bottles of ale on the wall. Nintey-eight-
Most of the crowd was on their knees, sobbing. A few of the older hobbits wept as they sang their tearful rendition of "Nintey-nine Bottles of Ale." It was really an emotional time for these hobbits.
Half an hour later, when the song was over, Bilbo and the rest dried their eyes. Suddenly he grinned. The other hobbits stared at him, still a little bleary-eyed.
"And now," he said, grinning widely, "let it begin!
Thus began the greatest Hobbit-rave of the age. Disco lights and Gandalf's fireworks lit up the sky. Techno blared over the Shire. No one noticed that Bilbo has disappeared.
Frodo walked into his little hobbit-hole, and was surprised to see Gandalf staring into the fire without Bilbo next to him.
"Where's Bilbo?" he asked.
"Rivendell, to live with the Elves.
"Oh, yes, he's been planning that for a while. And may I ask what you are doing?
"I threw Bilbo's old ring into the fire. It's alright, I've got a bucket of water here in case it melts.
"Well, I'll leave you to that- wait, what?! You threw his ring into the fire?! DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU'VE DONE!!! He TALKS to that think for goodness' sake! He will KILL US!!! Get it out now!!
Gandalf glared at Frodo, then resumed staring at the fire.
"It didn't melt," he said happily as he pulled it out with his tongs. "Here, take it, it's quite cool
"Oh, alright," Frodo stretched out his hand, "yes, it is-AHHHH!!!! it Burns!" He chucked the ring at Gandalf. Gandalf studied it.
As Frodo frantically doused his hand in the water bucket, Gandalf read aloud the writing on the ring. "Ash nazhg durbatuluk, ash nazhg gimbatul, ash nazhg thrakatuluk, agh burzum ishi krimpatul. Well! That's interesting. Wrong thing. Oh, there it is." He muttered to himself a little more. "Yes, this it it. ÔThe One Ring- Property of Sauron. Return to Barad-dzr, Mordor. Destruction instructions- 1. Travel to Mordor 2. Climb Orodruin, the Mountain of Fire 3. Throw into the Crack of Doom 4. Run screaming the opposite way Call 1-800-MT-DOOM for assistance.
"And now, Frodo, you must understand the ring... Gandalf's explanation went on into the night, along with the introduction of Sam Gamgee into their quest.
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Frodo and Sam departed the next day. After being attacked by Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrine Took (Merry and Pippin, respectively) Frodo and Sam decided it was a good idea (for some odd reason) to take these two along with them.
"What we're going to do," said Frodo, "is we're going to go on a quest to destroy this ring. I've decided to go and overthrow the most powerful Dark Lord ever to reside in Middle-earth by tossing his jewelery into a volcano." He held it in front of them.
"Ooh" said Pippin, "what will we discover?"
"We're not going to discover anything, Pippin, we're going to undiscover uncle Bilbo's old ring."
"CAN you undiscover things?" asked Sam thoughtfully. "Discovering doesn't seem to be a thing you can UN-, if you know what I mean."
"Sam", said Frodo thickly, "You haven't any brain."
Sam shuffled off trying to look like he hadn't said anything, and that Frodo was not talking to him. Frodo continued, "Anything that can be discovered, can be undiscovered"
"My grandfather Brandybuck undiscovered his spectacles once," said Merry.
"There you go, that proves it then," said Frodo. "Of course, we shall have to beware of trolls and orcs and things that will try to stop us."
"Ooh", said Pippin, shivering slightly. "Do you mean they'll chase us with swords and other Deadly Weapons? Actually, I've just remembered something important I have to do, that can only be done on... what day is it tomorrow Merry?"
"Pippin, now that you know, you have pretty much no choice." said Frodo.
Frodo, Sam, and Merry walked ahead, leaving Pippin trailing behind, looking crestfallen.
Pippin muttered to himself. "It was their fault, anyways. No more stealing vegetables for me. And what is it with Sam? Way to protective of Frodo if you ask me. He was the one who knocked Merry over the hill. He broke Merry's carrot. And he sat on my mushrooms, the ones- I'm still eating the mushrooms!? YUCK!!! ICK!!! NO!!! I'm too young to die!!!
Frodo and the others turned around in confusion at Pippin, who was crazily scattering mushrooms and running frantically in search of water. ------------------------------------------------------------------
The Prancing Pony, as usual, was filled with drunken hobbits and humans. It was noisy, with yelling, laughing, shouting, and the occasional breaking glass as its wasted holder let it slip out of his hands.
The door suddenly swung open. A tall, dark, man stood there. He had a cowboy hat which fell over his eyes. The man placed his hand on the gleaming steel hilt of his 6.38 Anduril sword, half-holding it in as casual manner as possible. His eyes swept the room of the Prancing Pony, eyeing up the potential threats. He took out his pipe. In the palm of his left hand, he unwrapped his leather tobacco pouch filled, as he preferred, with Gondorian Silk Cut. In his pocket was the harsher, stronger Numenorian blend. Every eye was upon him. Why, I do not know. This happened every night, but they always stared at him in awe.
You'd think they'd get over it by now. Ah, well, they were probably too drunk to remember him. He took a seat in the back of the room; eventually the crowd resumed talking.
Outside of Bree, the gatemaster refused to let the hobbits in. As Frodo looked closer, he saw the man had on a shirt that read "H.A.M. Humans Against Mordor." Frodo decided to take a chance. He explained the Ring situation to the man. The gatekeeper grinned excitedly.
"H'really? I has merchandise!" he said excitedly, "Action figures, shirts, fake gold rings...
"Ohhh, I want that!" Frodo pointed at his own action figure. "But..ahhh, I don't have any money. Wait! I have a nice gold ring! Would you like it?
"No, Mr. Frodo, no!" exclaimed Sam.
Frodo frowned and tucked the ring back into his pocket. After the gatekeeper let the hobbits in, it didn't really matter that Frodo didn't buy anything; Pippin had stuffed so many action figures and rings in his pockets that he waddled a bit.
Merry, Sam, Frodo, and Pippin soon reached the Prancing Pony. The other hobbits there were interested to see hobbits from the Shire.
"Yes, well, we Shirelings have always been a head shorter than other hobbits" said Merry brightly.
"Us hobbits have been that way for a while," Pippin jumped in, "It all because of a, um, this says a Ôgenetic defect caused by toxic runoff from Rivendell.'"
Merry frowned at him "You've been reading the tabloids again, haven't you?
Pippin shoved his magazine under the table as Merry rolled his eyes.
Meanwhile, at the bar, an intoxicated Frodo was trying to sell his ring for some more ale.
"I dun wan it, isstnot shiny aneemore," Frodo slurred.
"No Mr. Frodo, we have to destroy it-
"I'll jest take yohrs then...
"Fine. Take it.
Sam, believing Frodo was satisfied, turned around. When he turned back, he was enraged to see that Frodo had gambled away the Ring to the barkeeper.
The man in the Cowboy hat stood up. The bar went silent and everyone turned towards him.
He faced the man who now held the One Ring. The man, who had perviously been grinning greedily, looked around uneasily.
"Draw, mister- uh, I mean, that Ring is not yours to hold," the dark said sternly.
The man looked around wildly, threw the ring at the dark man, and ran out. The dark man walked out, and the hobbits ran after them (It looked kind of funny, the man only walking and the hobbits were sprinting but still real far behind- never mind.)
So the guy told them he was Aragorn, and was supposed to be king, and then whined about not being King. Finally he remembered he was supposed to be hiding, and ran out of Bree with the hobbits after a brief incident with Frodo trying to hock off the One Ring at a pawn shop. Oh yeah...Aragorn finially lost the cowboy hat. ------------------------------------------------------------------ At the same time, in the darker regions of Middle-Earth... ------------------------------------------------------------------
Saruman the White was having a heart-to-heart talk with his psychologist, the Balrog.
"...and I am going CRAZY down here. No cable, no DSL, no nothing. Wait, I have got a paantir. Oh yes...I...was going to tell you about this...long-distance relationship.
"Relationship?" growled the Balrog. His bad breath knocked out a passing Orc. Yuck.
"I met a really nice guy over the palantir. He likes long walks on the beach, and-um, ahem. Anyways, he really likes me for me. But for a while he refused to send me photo, except of of a really large eyeball. He said he was shy but I rather suspect he is perhaps hairy, and I've heard some very bad stories about palantir relationships. I tried to cool it for a while...but now I know he is the dark lord of Mordor and is a disembodied giant eyeball. At least he isnt hairy.
"Good, good," grunted the Balrog as he scribbled on his clipboard.
"So then Gandalf shows up, and tells me how he gave his stupid hobbit boyfriend a ring, and I'm stuck with an eyeball. Then I find out he gave the hobbit MY ring, you know the shiny one, MINE... So I showed him some World-wide Wizard Federation moves, and imprisioned him on top of the tower. The WWF should put me in the hall of fame. I swear, I don't get paid enough.
"I see," growled the Balrog.
"So then I was climbing eight thousand stairs a day just to annoy him, when I figured I ought to put him in an easy-acess prison. Maybe with a wheelchair ramp. So I went up there, and was having a really fun time until he flew away. And I was like, great, now his boyfriend has got the ring. But at least no more stair climbs.
"Interesting," muttered the Balrog.
Saruman stretched and sat down again.
"Anyways, I've been breeding orcs and goblin men. Not easy. I could get orcs and goblin cheerleaders, maybe create a super-peppy army that loves pink uniforms. I've been spending way too much money on bleach. Saruman the White is getting to hard. I mean, orcs and goblins are literally messy business, they're all dirty and slimy. Maybe Saruman the Dirt Brown, or Saruman the Faintly Greenish. Been a bit bored lately. I've been waiting for Gandalf to do the rabbit out of the hat trick. It's fun to watch throught the palantir.
I really feel good about the Uruk-hai, though. It's kind of fun. I can get by by watching stuff through the palantir. It's pretty funny. Like last month I set up Gandalf with Radagast and they went on a dinner date, and Gandalf left him with the bill. The palantir's great. It's better than cable. Still, though, I really don't get paid enough." ------------------------------------------------------------------
The small band make camp at Weathertop. Aragorn went out looking for food. The hobbits started a small fire, except Frodo, who fell asleep. They saw a couple of horses with cloaked riders.
"Hey, look! Things!" yelled Merry excitedly.
Sam rolled his eyes.
"Maybe they have food. We need more, y'know. We're growing hobbits." commented Pippin.
"Strider-I mean Aragorn- has gone to get us food. Just stay calm-
Too late. Pippin had already shot up firecrackers and was jumping up screaming, "Here!! Over here! Come on!"
The noise woke up Frodo. He grabbed Merry and Sam and left Pippin shooting off the fireworks. At the summit of Weathertop, he was surprised to see two people at the top. The first one, who had bright red hair was yelling at his bespectacled, dark-haired companion.
"See, this is why we shouldn't go into the Forbidden Forest. We're going to get short like those three." He pointed at the hobbits. Frodo was wery taken aback at this.
The dark-haired boy whispered to the other boy. "Don't make them mad, Ron, it's not their fault they have a height disorder.
Suddenly Pippin came running up the hill, screaming "Black Riders! Black Riders !
The boy named Ron pointed to the black riders and yelled, "Look, Harry! Dementors!
Harry pulled out a long wooden stick and yelled, "Expecto Patronum!
A shiny silver thing came out of his wooden stick (Pippin tried to swallow it) and went flying at the Black Riders. It looked very much like a stag, and it began to gallop, but it went right past the Riders and disappeared. One of the Black Riders advanced towards Frodo. Frodo heard the clink of gold coins in the Riders pockets.
"Hey," he yelled, "You've got gold! I'll give you this One Ring here for...say, twenty pieces.
"Nicccceeee rinnnnngg," hissed the Rider, "fifffteeeeen piecccccessss.
"Eighteen!
"Sixtteeeennnn!
"Seventen!
"Deallllll.
Frodo reached out to give the ring to the wraith, but Sam held him back. The Black Riders did the same with the Rider, convincing him it was the last of his allowance, and Sauron wasn't going to pay him any more. Whining, the Black Riders finially left, but not before one of them ran back, stabbed Frodo, and left again.
"Ssssorrrrryy," he yelled "Didnnn't wannnnttt toooo messss upp theeeee stooooryyyyyyy.
Frodo was yelling in pain, but he still had enough breath left to offer to sell the ring to Harry and Ron.
"Sorry," Ron said, "Haven't got any Galleons on me." With that, he and Harry ran off, never to be seen again. Well, they were seen again, but it took a while, because they...just forget it, okay?
Aragorn came running back with a flaming torch, ready to light the Ringwraiths on fire, but was dissapointed to find they already left. So he set an arrow on fire, and shot them at the retreating wraiths. It hit the one who had all the gold. In his frustration at Frodo being stabbed, he also lit Pippin on fire, which in turn exploded all the firecrackers he had in his pockets.
Aragorn frowned when Pippin started yelling at him.
"They were illegal firecrackers, anyways," he said, "better blown up now than us get arrested later.
"By WHO!!!" Pippin screamed,"There's NO ONE to arrest us! And if they did, there's NO JAIL TO GO TO!!!! JUST SHUT UP!!!
"Ooh, Pip, getting VIOLENT are we," muttered Merry.
Pippin frowned.
"Don't worry, Pippin. Aragorn's just mad because he's not king yet." said Sam, and that ended the matter. ------------------------------------------------------------------
In Mordor, Balrog the psychologist was having more heart-to-heart talks, this time with one of the Black Riders.
"My problemsssss all sssstarteeeed when Ssssaurooooon gave meeee a Christmasssss presssent. It wasssss a rinnnng. Afterrrr a ccccouple hundressdd yearssss, I became dissssssembodied. At least Sssssaoron sent pressssentsssss...chocolates. He ate alll the tofffeessss, thooough. Barad-dzr wassss boring. Pllayyyyyinggg Sssssscrable with Orcsssss was borrrring. You tryyyyy sssssspelling Azg Nazg Gimbatul for a triple word sssssscore.
"Hmmm," said the Balrog.
"I worrrrrry about Sssssauron. I saaw him puttting onnn sparkkkly massssccccara. When he getssss his body baaaack, he'sssss REEEAAALLLYYY going to dresssss up againnn. He'ssss all obsssesssed with hissss ssstupid Ringggg. The Witch King of Angmar triied to hellp. He wanted Ssssssauron to put the Ring'ssss picccture on the baccckk of millk cartons and wait for calllsss. But Sauron refffusssed.
"I see," grunted the Balrog. His bad breath blew out a nearby window.
"At leasssst I got a new horse. I almosssst bought the ring from a hobbit a fewwww nightssss agoo. But the head Nazzzzghul had an atttaccckk of the giggglessss because he thought the halflings were sssso ccccute. Weee wennnt baccckk to Bree and sppennnntt allll night booooozzzing. And that kinnnnngggg obssseeeesssseed guy, Aragorn, it way too touccchhy-feeeelllyyy of the main halfling, Frodo. Ssssam will kill him iffffff he triesssss anythinggg. At Weathertop Aragorn got alll posssesssivve and set me on fire. WAY toooo posssesssivve if you asssssk me.
"Interesting," uttered the Balrog.
"And theyyyyyyy werrre tryyyinggg to takkke Frodo to Rivvvvendellll, for the Elvvvvessssss. So this Elf-girllll shows up and settttsssss a flood on ussss. I was laughing atttt thhhhhe idea of kiiiinnnnnnggg-obsseesssed Aragorn having a girrrrllfriennnd. I got wasshhhed awwwayy in the flood. My horse issss dead, and my armor'ssss allll russstedd. So now I'm backkk in Mordor, to get oilinggggg and a newwww horsssssse." ------------------------------------------------------------------ The Ringwraith was right. The hobbits headed for Rivendell to get help for Frodo's wound. And for Pippin's burns. Firecrackers really hurt when they explode in your pockets. Or should I say "pocccccketsssss?" Ringwraiths are weird. ------------------------------------------------------------------
So Frodo was healed, Pippin was healed, and everyone was happy. And Elrond, the supposed Ôruler' of Rivendell was delighted when Pippin told him purple and gold were definitely his colors.
The Elves were going to put together a group to take the Ring to Mordor. Even before I tell you who is going to be the leader of this little group, you can figure out who it is. It's always the most Ôunlikely hereo', but if who you know who the most unlikely hero is, than it's sort of obvious. Then it can't be the unlikely hero, it has to be someone else, to then they're still the unlikely hero because they were picked. It could be the obvious non-unlikely hero, but they too would be the unlikely hero, as no one thought they were going to be picked because they were too obvious. In other words, it's Frodo.
So they all gathered in Rivendell and had a nice serious talk. About the Ring. Elrond placed the Ring on a dais thing in the middle of the courtyard. He started to talk, when he heard a whisper interrupt him.
"What?" he said.
He figured it was nothing, and continued on.
"So we must have only the brave, who are willing to take it into the depths of darkness, to the- WHAT!? Who said that?
No answer. Everyone was silent.
"Ash nazhg durbatuluk," said the Ring.
"Quiet," said Elrond.
"Ash nazhg," repeated the Ring.
The beings gathered in the courtyard started saying things like "Awwwww!" and "It's sooo cute, it's learning to talk!
Engouraged by this, the Ring repaated itself in a cute little voice.
"Ash nazhg. Ash nazhg, ash nazhg! Wheeee!
"Awwww, it's so adorable!" someone commented
"Just...just shut up, okay?" said Elrond, glaring at the Ring.
The Ring squeaked in indignation, but remained quiet.
Elrond grumbled on, "You already know the point. We must destroy the Ring. For some reason, we all have to suffer because Isilur couldn't part with his jewlery. Gandalf, you have to stop doing the rabbit-hat trick. It made Glorfindel sob spasmodicially.
Gandalf stopped mid-hat trick, a sheepish smile on his face.
After a great amount of arguing, Frodo agreed to take the Ring, along with Boromir, Legolas the elf, Aragorn, and Gimli the dwarf. And Merry, Sam, and Pippin and Gandalf, of course.
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That was a nice load of crap with more coming. Thanks for reading.