Smile Because It Happened…
No one needs to tell me that love is a wonderful experience…I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world! Oh wait, I lied…I would trade it for one thing…him. I would trade love for Squall's life. I would rather have lived my entire life without the true love that we shared, then have experienced it and have him lose his life for it. He was better than I could ever hope to be…I will always love him because he was my knight, and my only true love.
Everyone tells you how great love is, but they always seem to forget to warn you about how much it hurts. It hurts the worst when you find the perfect love. Perfect. That should have been a clue. Nothing is 'perfect' unless it has a terrible catch. It's one of life's hard lessons. When the perfect love is lost no greater pain can be experienced.
Initially,
there is the sharp unyielding pain which starts in your heart and spreads
through your soul. It's horrifying and your mind screams out with a thousand
voices for a source of relief from the torture. But after the agonizing pain of
immediate heartbreak stops what comes next makes you beg for the torment again.
Next comes total emptiness. You become devoid of all emotions. Feeling
nothing…only a sense of unrequited loss…. utter oblivion. Maybe it isn't the
broken heart itself that causes this phase, maybe you just know that you'll
never regain that feeling of comfort, joy, and love that you had before, so
instead you choose to numb yourself from all emotions.
In
the beginning, you'll smile and tell everyone that you're 'ok', and you put on
a brave face to the world. You fool yourself into thinking it will all pass…but
it just won't go away. You want to feel, you want to live again, but you can't,
you won't let yourself. People around try to comfort you and give you sympathy,
but they're only meaningless words to you. After a while you just quit. You
can't remember when exactly, but you just do. You stop caring what they all
think. Why should you smile for them…why should you smile for anyone or
anything? You paid your debt to the world; you don't owe it a thing! You want
the tears to come so badly, but there just aren't any to cry. They fell into
the black unending hole that you feel has consumed your entire being. Soon you
just go through the motions. People reach out to you but you can't feel the
consoling hand they rest on your shoulder. You no longer have friends. They're
simply strangers like everyone else.
My
friends must have been so worried. They were probably the most wonderful caring
people in the world while I was going through all this suffering. But I was my
own worst enemy. I didn't allow myself to see the care written on their faces,
or hear their loving words of support and encouragement, or feel their
understanding embraces. I was numb, there was a wall blinding me from
everything. I found myself staring off into space more often than usual. I
would think about terrible things that frightened even me. I was truly lost. I
missed his so much. I tried to snap myself out of it when I realized that I was
starting to wonder how long it would hurt if I tried to kill myself. I tried so
hard to shake off the blanket of despair that I was covered in. But it was like
quicksand; the harder I struggled to free myself the further in I sank. I kept
grabbing for reasons to hold on but they slipped through my fingers like water.
The battle inside me was a losing one, my strength died with my love and I was
just a shell of who I used to be. I can't find words to describe the sensation
that was happening inside me. It was a pain with out feeling, and emotion that
lacked passion. It was something that was full of nothing.
I
don't remember how long I fought for a reason, for hope. It felt like seconds
were hours, and like days were years. The hopelessness lasted an eternity. But
I got lucky, really lucky. As soon as I stopped struggling I was saved.
I
was tired. There was no point in going on through the unyielding torment of
misery. I wanted absolution. I wanted to feel and I no longer cared what it was
that I felt. I couldn't feel comfort so I decided upon pain. I went to the
training center, unarmed. I knelt down in a small hidden clearing amongst the
greenery of the room. Waiting for whatever happened to come by. I was waiting
for a savoir.
A
savoir is exactly what I got. I expected to be killed by the T-Rexaur that had
just thrown me to the ground with a whip of its tail, and the battle started up
again. At first I was so glad that it was all going to end soon, but a part of
the old me came back. I wanted nothing more that to live. I was too far in the
mess I made for myself that the situation was hopeless and despair once again
threatened to engulf me. The beast was preparing to kill me. But they stopped
it. The T-Rexaur fell dead without taking me with him. My friends had stopped
it. Irvine shot it once more to ensure that it would not spring to life and
surprise them. Quistis knelt down next to me to cure my fresh wounds. I was so
scared. Not only because I had just narrowly escaped this experience with my
life, but because I was a little angry that I was still alive. I must have
looked upset. Quistis sent the others away to get water and the doctor. When
they were out of range she turned to me and said something that I will never
forget. She asked me if I believed that Squall would be proud of what I was
doing to myself. She told me that I was being extremely selfish. She was right.
I was so consumed with guilt and grief that I never thought of anything else. I
knew that Squall would never want me to do anything like this. My mind was so
clouded that I never thought of what I was doing. Quistis was my savoir she
saved me from myself.
After the training center incident I began to feel better. I could finally see again. I welcomed the pain that I could feel in the pit of my stomach and the hole in my heart. I knew that I could finally begin to heal. I knew that like all deep wounds it would leave a scar, but I would live. My friends pulled me through; they never gave up on me. I still get depressed from time to time but I never stop smiling. I have a reason to smile for the world now. I'm grateful for the wonderful friends I was gifted with, and I'm grateful for the emotions I feel every minute of everyday.
I know that nothing will ever be the same again. No one will see me the same way they did before, and I will never see things like I used to. Love isn't something that I look forward to losing again. I'll never again be able to find it in the purest form that I had it in before. I will always blame myself for Squall's death no matter how many times everyone tells me not to. But I'll keep on smiling…I'll smile because it happened.
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AUTHOR'S NOTE~ So whatcha think? I got inspired out of nowhere and just started typing…this is what came out. It fits in for a follow up story to 'Don't Cry Because It's Over'. Please review! Thankies!