Author: JBD
Note:. This was to be a longer piece, but I never got around to finishing it. I hope you find it enjoyable in it's short form.
********
It had not been a good day. When Holly had first detected the weak signal from the derelict remains of a ship on a nearby large asteroid, the crew had one and all been elated at the possibility of having found other intelligent life. Or, as Rimmer had put it, "Intelligent life besides myself." The decision had been made to go down to reconnoiter in Starbug, with two staying aboard Red Dwarf to monitor events. Lister and Kryten had volunteered, which was just as well, as Rimmer refused to put his hard-light self into any sort of dangerous situation and the Cat was on his third straight day of inventorying his clothes and didn't want to be bothered. The asteroid possessed a thin atmosphere, sufficient enough so that Lister was able to forego wearing his suit, to his delight. He found that one was either freezing or baking in the thing, and would rather do without any day if possible. The short flight and landing had been uneventful. Things didn't get interesting, in fact, until he and Kryten had reached the wreck and actually begun to search through it.
...
"Are you all right, Mr. Lister?"
"What the smeg kind of question is that, Kryten?" Dave Lister shifted his weight off his sore knee and stared up through the broken floor plates at the mechanoid, who was hovering worriedly overhead. "I just took a ten foot header through the smegging deck and you ask me if I'm OK? How come you didn't tell me it was so dicey underfoot?"
"I rather think I did, sir. If you'll think back you should remember my saying "Don't got over there, the floor looks rather pitted" and you replying "Don't be a wet blanket, I know what I'm doing" and walking on it anyway." Kryten called back, peering anxiously down at the trapped man.
Lister glared, his usual good humor having deserted him when he'd found himself at the bottom of a dark chilly hole in a rusted out space tub. And to top things off, he'd twisted his leg bad enough so that he knew he couldn't make it back out without help. All he needed now to make his day a complete balls up would to have Rimmer find out what had happened, and have to listen to that supercilious smeghead preach at him.
As if on cue, the radio crackled to life. "Red Dwarf to Starbug. You still alive down there, you two? You missed your scheduled check in time, as per regulation # 567 in the Space Regulation Handbook."'
Kryten looked puzzled. "All personnel with pacemakers should avoid passing near the magnetic drive plates at close range? Really, sir, I fail to see the connection."
They both clearly heard Rimmer's exasperated sigh. "No, you stupid mechanical git, the one stating that landing parties on potentially dangerous derelicts 3 million years travel from Earth act in a responsible manner! Obviously, too much for either of you to handle."
Kryten glanced down at Lister and whispered "Lie mode on". Then he continued in a louder voice, "Everything is just fine, sir, we were just finishing our check of the crash site. We have found the cargo storage and some of the supplies are still intact. We have begun loading Starbug and should be back on schedule."
Rimmer's voice was suspicious. "So where is Lister?"
"I'm here, Rimmer. Keep you shorts on, we're almost done 'ere." Lister looked up at Kryten and made shooing motions as the radio connection ended with Rimmer's audible sniff of disbelief. The mechanoid hesitated.
"I'll have to go back to the Starbug and get some cable, sir. Are you sure you will be all right until I return?
"Just hurry up and get it, man. It's smegging cold down here." Lister watched Kryten's head vanish from the hole above, and sat down heavily on the pile of rubbish that had come down with him. Though he hadn't wanted the mechanoid to know, his leg was really starting to ache. But Kryten in fuss mode was not something he felt up to dealing with right now. Gingerly, he eased the painful knee out straight and settled himself down to wait for rescue. Since he couldn't do anything else, maybe he could catch a nap before his rescue returned
.
From a dark corner, a tightly curled shape watched alertly as the human settled down and stopped moving. The polymorph had been alone on the asteroid since the long ago day when the ship it was riding on had crashed here. The fact that it's voracious feeding had so incapacitated the crew that they themselves caused the disaster did not concern it. It wasn't truly very intelligent, except in certain limited areas relating to providing itself sustenance and self protection. As much as it was anything, it was a creature of reaction, not reason. It's survival depended upon finding a continuing source of emotional food, and the intruder before it had potential to meet its requirements. Unseen, it morphed rapidly through several shapes, seeking the one which would have the desired effect on it's prey.
The polymorph considered what it had gleaned from the human's mind, then shifted shape once more before ambling out to crouch next to the scuffed brown boots. Lister jumped, automatically raising his bazookoid at the half-sensed movement before noticing the small form sitting by his feet.
"Where the smegging hell did you come from?" He couldn't believe it. How had a kitten managed to get to this desolate place, let alone survive? It must have been on the ship when it crashed, or rather it's dam must have. /Smeg, thought I was the only one crazy enough to have tried that stunt/. They hadn't picked up on any life forms back on the Dwarf, but it's tiny size might have slipped past Holly's scans.
Smeg, but it was cute.
Hesitantly, he leaned over and proffered his finger for the tiny black nose to sniff. It did so, then ran a delicate pink tongue over the back of his hand.
He wondered if Frankenstein's kittens had been as cute as this, and for a moment felt sad for all those missed moments. He'd never had the chance to even see them. They'd been born, lived their lives and died without ever knowing him, except from tales told by their dam. They'd never made it to Fiji together, like he had planned so long ago. He looked down at the tiny face with the wide green eyes, and made a decision. Carefully, he scooped the warm little body up and cradled it close, feeling it shivering in the cold air. Quickly, he unzipped his jacket and tucked it inside, between his overalls and his undershirt. It curled up immediately, and even before he had resettled himself it was purring steadily. He could even feel it's tiny heart thumping through his shirt. It was soothing, really. His mind buzzed with plans. He would take it back to the Dwarf, and show the Cat what his ancestors had really been like. It could sleep in his quarters, and when it was bigger it could roam about the ship with him and keep him company. It wasn't like those old regulations mattered anymore, with just him left of the human crew. He'd been alone a long time now, and was pretty much his own boss.
Hmm. Still, best not tell the others about the little mite until later. No sense getting them all worked up.
By the time Kryten returned with the cable, he was sitting waiting alone, the picture of patient innocence.
...
The kitten meowed softly. Lister froze, his hands still on the controls as his eyes darted guiltily towards the other occupant of the 'bug.
Kryten looked over at Lister, puzzled. "Did you say something, sir?"
"Ah, nah, Krytes, just my stomach rumblin'. Brutal tandoori I had for lunch, that was." Lister hastily re-zipped his jacket, mentally urging the kitten to stay quiet. He definitely didn't want Kryten to find out about his hidden passenger until they were safely docked.
Kryten shook his head. Really, he didn't know how Mr. Lister had survived before he had come to stay on Red Dwarf and taken his care in hand. The man's diet was awful, just awful, yet he hadn't been able to change it despite numerous attempts to introduce Lister to other foods. Vegetables in particular had been a disaster. With just one functioning taste bud, the man could only enjoy the most extreme dishes. And as far as laundry was concerned, just the thought of what state the man's underpants must have been in was enough to make Kryten feel ill. He resolved anew to keep close watch on Lister and make sure he stayed out of trouble. This mission should go a long way toward showing Mr. Rimmer how responsible and capable Mr. Lister was becoming. As long as he never found out that they had found the supplies by way of Lister falling through the deck above and landing on top of them, that is.
When Lister carried the kitten to his quarters and put it down on his bunk, it curled up on a pillow quietly and watched him leave without trying to follow. As soon as he was gone and the door sealed behind him, the kitten melted into a tennis ball and slipped from the bed, bouncing across the floor to the door. It seemed to hesitate, rolling back and forth in agitation, before it's shape began to flicker. The ball became, in rapid succession, a knife, a key, a steel ruler, a garden hoe, a cup, a box of tissues, a spoon, a spray of pussy willows, and a stuffed duck before settling on the form of a grasshopper. The small green insect took an exploratory hop back onto the bed, then jumped high into the overhead air vent, vanishing from sight into the labyrinth of Red Dwarf's duct system. It had a lot to do. If this strange place was to become it's permanent home, it would have to be investigated thoroughly first.
The Cat was out and about, marking his territory with his personal spray can and practicing his spins in the empty corridors. It was midnight, one of his favorite times , when the monkey was asleep and Kryten was busy doing laundry. Of course goal post head was around, but you couldn't have everything. Right now, he was bouncing along the officer's habitat ring, singing and talking to himself, when he rounded a corner and a gleam from the floor caught his eye.
"What's this? A mirror? A fancy, gorgeous mirror! Hey, this looks almost as good as me!" He leaned down and picked it up, bringing it close to his face to admire his reflection. Ah, as handsome as ever. No change there. Then his reflected image frowned. What's that smell? Really weird, kind of animal-like yet sweet. Glancing around to check for witnesses, he quickly ducked his head and sniffed under his arm. No, nothing wrong here. Maybe the monkey had dropped some food on the floor? Lister was his buddy, but man, what a slob! The Cat nosed about, still absently carrying his new find as he checked for any puddles of abandoned vindaloo. Then he froze. Slowly, he raised the mirror up, his earlier delight in this treasure rapidly souring as his sharp nose finally clued him in. But unfortunately, it was a little bit late.
The polymorph had been busily exploring it's new environment when it heard the Cat creature approaching, and had swiftly taken on the form most likely to appease. But it quickly grew bored, and now it chose another form from the mind of the strange being holding it, and shifted.
The Cat suddenly found himself holding a silver foil pan full of an extra spicy chicken vindaloo serving for one.
"Aaahhhhh! Help! Help! Somebody! Help!" Shrieking, he threw the pan as hard as he could down the corridor. His screams only increased when it changed shape in midair from a curry to a pair of yellow and black giant fuzzy dice, which bounced and morphed easily into a small gray mouse. It sat on it's haunches and grinned at him.
The Cat took off at top speed, heading for anywhere away from the horrible thing. /Imagine, we used to eat those things! And since when could mousies grin?/ The awful thought lent speed to his feet, and he fairly flew towards the drive room and help.
...
The Dwarfer's rounded the corner cautiously. They absolutely clanked with weaponry. Bazookoids, projectile guns, lasers, iron bars, and similar tools of destruction hung off them like decorations on a Christmas tree. The Cat, who hadn't really recovered from his earlier shock, was also carrying a piece of cheese and the biggest mousetrap Holly could locate for him in storage. He wasn't taking any chances this time.
At first the corridor seemed empty. The red-tinged lights cast dark shadows here and there, but not deep enough to hide anything of any size. Then, in the middle of the floor, something stirred.
"Meeoooow!"
"Oh my God, it's a CAT!" screamed the Cat. Then he paused. "Well, that's not so bad, really."
"What do you mean, that's not so bad! It must be a polymorph, they can be anything! It looks like a sweet little furball now, but any second it could become a ten foot tall spider with hundreds of big hairy legs to rip us apart with!" Rimmer wasn't taking this well. He couldn't believe their bad luck, to encounter TWO of those horrible beasts in the course of just a couple years. All of deep space to hide in, and the monsters just kept knocking on their door. Life just wasn't fair.
"Shhh, sir, I advise that you lower your voice. You might set it off." Kryten followed his own advice and spoke in a whisper. " I think we should not fire our heat seeking missiles. Remember what happened the last time." The Cat blanched at the memory of being chased through the cargo docks by the blue death orbs, and began to fan himself with the cheese. He could have died, wearing THAT outfit! Horrible, just horrible. He glanced down at his current threads. Much better, he could carry off being dead in this yellow striped number easily.
Most of this by-play was lost on Lister, who's amazement at seeing the black kitten he had thought safely locked in his quarters was total. /Oh smeg, it's not really a kitten at all, is it. It's another bloody polymorph come to screw up me life/ He raised his bazookoid automatically, then hesitated. It hadn't hurt him, down on the asteroid. It had had the perfect opportunity to do so, but hadn't. And he'd been alone with it several times since. What did that mean, then? Was it friendly, or was it just biding it's time before sucking out his brains, so to speak?
The small dark kitten looked up at them and meowed again. Then it calmly got up and trotted over and sat on top of Lister's left boot.
The others withdrew as one, leaving him to his fate.
"Hey, I think it likes me." Lister bent down, and stroked the animal rather gingerly. It was harder to do when one knew it wasn't really as innocent a creature as it looked on the outside, but he managed. The polymorph purred loudly, then batted his hand with one tiny needle tipped paw. Everyone jumped, then relaxed slightly when Lister pulled back his hand with all five fingers still in their original place.
"Get away from it, Lister. We've got to kill it here before it gets any further into the ship." Rimmer was twitching nervously, one eye on the polymorph and one on the shadows around them. After all, if there was one there could be more, right?
"No way, man, I'm going to keep him." Lister ignored the utterly flabbergasted looks this statement garnered and picked up the 'kitten'. "He can be, like, our mascot."
Mouths open, the three watched him saunter off towards the drive room, the polymorph balancing unsteadily on his shoulder. Kryten covered his face with his hand. They had been doing so well for almost a whole day. Well, except for the bit about dropping through that floor, that is.
..
"What in God's name did you think you were doing, Lister? Even you must realize that bringing that creepy little monster onboard was so stupid that even the Cat wouldn't have thought of it!" The Dwarfers had followed Lister, and now were loudly arguing over the fate of Lister's new 'pet'. He had finally confessed to smuggling the 'kitten' aboard, and Rimmer was lived. "Don't you remember the last time one of those bastards got loose, and ran amuck eating all our emotions? It had us all acting like total imbeciles. My God, you even had my mother!" Rimmer paused, his face screwing up in distaste. "I'd managed to force myself to not think of that, until now..."
"Ah, Rimmer, it wasn't really your mom, now, was it? And anyway, I wasn't meself, you know that. I don't even remember it hardly." Lister hoped fervently that Rimmer would drop that subject, because he actually did have excellent recall of that event. And, lets face it, he hadn't been getting any for a long time, about three million years plus to be exact, and waking up to any willing female body-well, he couldn't resist, could he? And since he'd been completely without fear due to the polymorphs earlier attack, he felt that no one should hold him responsible for his subsequent actions.
And smeg, but she'd been fantastic. Every single time.
"Lister!"
Rimmer glared at him. The gimboid had that stupid wide grin on his face, which meant he could be thinking of only one thing. If it wasn't for the fact that he was the last human alive, Rimmer would gladly kill him.
Maybe he'd do it anyway.
No, that's what the git wanted, to get him off on a tangent and forget about the polymorph. Well, it wouldn't work.
"Lister, you have to get rid of it. It's far too dangerous to have on board, no matter what size it is or your deranged little fantasy of how you saved it's pathetic life down on that asteroid. It has to go. Your attaching human emotions to a psychopathic mind-eating engineered life form! Tune in to Sanity FM, toss it in the airlock and push the button!"
"Smeg off, Rimmer. This little guy is gonna stay with me. I like pets, you know. I went through a lot to get Frankenstein on board the Dwarf, and I never got to enjoy havin' her around."
"You'll not enjoy having it around this time either, you stupid git! You're going to wake up one morning with it plastered to your face and find out you haven't got any mind left." Rimmer paused, rethinking his statement. "Not that you'd notice that small item missing anyway. Actually, maybe I spoke too quickly. By all means, keep the horrendous thing, Lister. I'm sure it will be the start of a wonderful relationship. Probably extremely short, but wonderful."
As he left the room, Rimmer turned and fired a parting shot. "Just keep it out of my way. I'm off to go see what else Holly has dug up on these things. Don't let it touch anything! And keep it out of my quarters, I don't want to wake up tonight with it's tongue plastered to my head!" He stalked out of the room.
The Cat turned to Lister. "As if any anything would willingly want any part of that. I never could figure how even a polymorph could ever stomach him. Must be like eating chicken so old that it has that fuzzy hair growing on it." He peered at the small creature huddling into Lister's protective arms. "It's looking good now, buddy, but as much as it pains me to agree with anything tunnel nostrils says, those are pretty scary things to mess with. You sure you don't want to throw it back?"
"Uh uh. He's here to stay." Lister pried the little creature off his leather jacket and held it out before him, smiling. "We're gonna get along just great, aren't we, little fella?" The polymorph, still in the form of the black kitten, just gazed up at the human and trilled softly, basking in the tasty good will emanating from it's new guardian.
The Cat looked doubtfully at the 'kitten', worriedly tugging his jacket straight as Lister talked baby talk at it. He still had crystal clear memories of what it had been like to be Dwayne Dibbly, the king of dork, and just having the thing this close to him was making the hair all over his body stand up straight in terror of a repeat performance. He just didn't think his nerves could take the shock of finding himself wearing those hideous polyester clothes again. And those teeth! On the other hand, it didn't seem to be set on eating various parts of minds like it's predecessor, and there was the added attraction of pissing off goal post head.
Hmmm. Maybe it would work out after all.