''Shut up and kiss me already''
Rivetra. Writing prompt #55. Suggested by ungewissen on tumblr (thanks!)
Word count: 1759
Love and loyalty are two very different things, and everybody in the Scouting Legion was able to discern between them. The moment each and every soldier took the decision to leave their homes to devote their lives to a greater cause, they knew they were doomed to die in the battlefield at some point, hence love was an extreme inconvenience that was not compatible with their new lifestyle. What was left in their hearts was just hope, devotion and a will to put their souls in the hands of those who would guide them until their very last day. There was no room for anything else.
They had a saying; a soldier's heart was made of ice. Letting people get too close endangers it, therefore it must be kept very carefully because nothing could ever function without a heart. They had to prevent it from shattering and from melting down, and the easiest was to do that was to avoid other people's hearts. Of course, almost no one followed that unspoken rule. Soldiers were humans, and humans fall in love, humans fall out, humans hurt, and humans heal. The fact that they don't usually get married doesn't mean that they don't have lovers. It's more of a personal matter, and the rest is just facade.
That, however, doesn't take away the fact that it's still an inconvenience. If you're strong enough to deal with feelings then having someone by your side can be the most comforting thing in the world, but it can —and it will —also destroy you. That's why it's easier to live the way Levi Ackerman chose to live, too bad his human nature betrayed him once he really got to know Petra Ral. Not the nice, sweet, caring Petra Ral every recruit had an instant crush on, not the beautiful little ginger woman who looked like an angel and fought like a demon, but everything else, everything she was as a whole. He knew about her childhood days, the things she treasured, her deepest thoughts, her undisclosed desires, what made her strong. He learned from her about comfort and trust, and he also learned that sweet and kind doesn't equal plain, reckless and stupid. She showed him something else that was worth fighting for, because she was the living proof that humans are worth existing.
He can't really pinpoint the moment it all started. It was progressive, and it intensified in time. That was why it was too late to decide to stop caring—or whatever it was— so much about his subordinate all of a sudden. He can however remember the time when his team started to become more than a simple group of people to him. It took years, but they somehow became friends, a family. At the time the thought of being so close to them was scary because they could be torn away from him so easily, just like Farlan and Isabel, but now that he was too worried about what the hell it was with Petra, friendship seemed way less dangerous.
It was slowly, and then suddenly. He found himself wanting to stay when everyone else but her left the room so he could simply be in her presence. He found himself wanting to hear her stories about picking goddamn flowers from when she was a child. He even found himself showing her his place, the place he went to when he wanted no one to find him. He took her there on one of those sleepless nights before an expedition, and in return she told him all her grandma told her about the stars. Those white stupid little things in the sky —he didn't care about them, but somehow, he wanted to listen to every single word that came out of her mouth.
Her mouth. He would also sometimes find himself staring at it for too long before realizing how inappropriate that was. He'd question what the hell was wrong with himself, and then he'd go back to repressing his own feelings, not acknowledging the fact that he was indeed falling for her. How easy it was, really, to fall for her. Just a bit of her essence and he'd be hooked to her fire without the possibility of turning back. Dead end.
Even though he wouldn't admit it to himself, deep down he knew. That was why he started the avoiding operation, some sort of self-defense mechanism. It worked for a little while; after all minimum interaction resulted in less thinking about her. He thought that it'd work, and that as easily as he had started to feel whatever he was feeling for her, it would also go away, and everything would get back to normal.
Of course not.
Such a sudden change in attitude coming from someone you're so close to doesn't go unnoticed. Even considering his stern personality, Petra could feel that something was wrong with Levi. He was his usual self with everyone else, but for some reason he was much more distant with her. For weeks, he only spoke to her to give her orders, only in training, and of course only addressing each other formally. It was starting to upset her, because she didn't understand where she went wrong. They had known each other for years, if she had done something that bothered him he could've just told her like he had always done.
Another one of those sleepless nights it was, when she had too many things to think about. She really wanted to talk to Levi, but she didn't know how to approach him. It felt like he was genuinely mad at her for some reason and she didn't want to make it worse, so she never said anything. Frustrated, Petra Ral was just wandering around the barracks as she had already given up on trying to sleep. Without even realizing it, her feet led her to that one special place, and maybe it was her subconscious mind trying to get her to fix this situation. She wasn't looking for him, really, but she was sort of expecting him to be sitting there by himself, on that particularly well-hidden part of the rooftop, easily accessible if you were agile enough. It was dark, of course, but the light of the moon was bright enough to allow her to distinguish her captain's figure. Everything was so quiet, just as if nature was expecting this reunion to happen. Their eyes met, and for a moment she thought of turning back, and maybe she should've, but instead she reluctantly walked up to him.
''What's wrong, sir?'' She made Levi's heart skip a beat. Her voice showed concern, but although it didn't sound like it, she was demanding an actual genuine explanation. Not as a subordinate, but as a friend. The formalities made it worse, because they made the wall standing between them even larger, but Levi got the message.
He simply looked away, avoiding. Petra frowned and decided to take a seat right in front of him. She hugged her own knees as she carefully picked her next words. ''I-''She sighed. ''I don't understand. What has changed? Really, just tell me.''
''Tell you what?'' He finally spoke. It wasn't a brilliant thing to say, but he couldn't stand how hurt her voice sounded. Was it really that big of a deal to her? Well, he knew it was. He knew she cared about him, somehow, so that conversation was going to end up happening at some point. He should've been prepared.
''Sir.'' She paused. ''Levi. Have I done something wrong? You know you can trust me, and I don't get it. You're not the kind of person who just shuts up when something bothers them, so why haven't you told me if whatever I did got you so mad you don't even talk to me anymore? ''
''I'm not mad at you.'' He admitted. ''Just leave it, it's me, and it's just bullshit.''
''It's not 'just bullshit'. You can't give me the silent treatment for literally no reason.''
''I'm not giving you any silent treatment, Petra. We're just not as close and that's it. I'm not punishing you or some shit, so don't think that.'' If anything, it was the opposite.
''Well, it feels like it.''
Silence. Levi knew it was unfair, he really did. All those repressed feelings were overwhelming him, and the fact that he was facing Petra and seeing how his stupid choices affected her made him feel extra guilty. She could read in his eyes something that gave her the courage to speak again like she knew what was really going on. And probably she did, because she had been thinking that maybe he felt kind of the same way weeks ago until it all just suddenly ended. It made sense, it really did, but she still thought it was a stupid thing to assume. There was nothing to lose, though, because how much worse could it be? They knew how to be professional when needed, and that conversation, however it ended, was not going to change that.
''What the hell is it?'' He turned to look at her, slightly surprised by her choice of words. He was staring at her mouth again.
''Look, I'm sorry.'' He said, eyes still fixed on the same spot. He wasn't the kind of person who would apologize so easily if he didn't really mean it.
''What is it, Levi? You know you're important to me, not only as my captain. We've been through a lot, all of us, together. You don't have to do everything alone, just let me in. Whether it's the same thing on your end or not, I lo-''
''Don't say it.''
Petra stopped talking. She looked down, her heart pumping on her chest. She sighed before looking back up. ''Why not?''
''It's not going to do us any good. It fucks things up and it makes everything more complicated than it already is.''
''I don't care. I love you.'' There, she said it, surprisingly steady. Her voice didn't tremble for a second.
Levi heard it, loud and clear. Those words could ruin his and her life. ''There's no room for that in this fucking world. We're soldiers, we-''
''Just shut up and kiss me already.''
He didn't manage to say anything else, he just stared at her for a few seconds. That sounded like a terrible fucking idea, he thought, as he moved forward, pulled her closer and pressed his lips against hers.