As I feel the light and power surge through my body and leave at the endpoint, all seems to slow down.
Fef's angered and scornful expression, which, I've found to be very unflattering to her, slowly conforms into that of a surprised one, then, contorts once more to a painful, tearful grimace. The light blinds me for a few moments, and after clearing and gaining my bearings, she is suddenly on the ground.
Delicate fuchsia gushes from her, her eyes left open.
It takes me a moment to realize I am shaking, but for the time being, it's nothing I decide to show concern.
She's dead.
Feferi Peixes is dead.
I let out an exasperated sigh and drop out of my fighting stance.
Not only is she dead, but I believe a part of me has perished along with her. I've grown up. Made a staple of myself here. No turning back now.
Yes, no turning back.
)(I! My name is Feferi Peixes! W)(o are you?
What…?
Suddenly my vision fails me, and I too am on the ground.
When my sight returns I find myself in a dream. In this dream, I am back in the sea, where I am most comfortable, and lying on the ocean floor. A young, familiar girl is floating over me, with a lovely, happy stare.
"Are you okay, friend? You seem upset about somet)(ing…"
I rise up to her level, making eye contact. "I'm…I'm fine. Thanks for askin'."
She giggles. "Wonderful! I'm glad to )(ear t)(at, um…" she trails off.
"Eridan." I say, matching her smile. "Eridan Ampora."
"-Eridan! )(ow -EXCITING! It's great to meet you." she offers a hand.
I stare at her motion for a second, but slowly I meet her hand with my own, and she shakes it franticly.
"It's…a pleasure to meet you as wwell."
"O)( my COD! Your accent is simply ADORABL-E! Were you born wit)( it?"
My cheeks are hot. "Umm…yes. I wwas."
She must take notice of my embarrassment. "O)(, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to upset you…"
I feel bad for making her feel guilty. "No, no! That wwasn't wwhat I wwas meanin' at all! It's just…no one has evver had anythin' nice to say about it before. It just…surprised me."
She blinks. "O)(." Her bubbly demeanor quickly returns. "Well, I like it! I t)(ink it's cute."
My cheeks are hotter. "Um…" My eyes find my feet.
She stares, but suddenly laughs. "You're funny, -Eridan! I like you! I t)(ink we'll be good friends!"
Friends…
That word made me feel a warmth, a warmth I'd never felt before.
My memory suddenly changes. Now, I am harvesting the remains of lusii above water, and letting them float down to the bottom of the ocean. A pink blur goes by and they are gone. I exhale a small sigh of relief knowing she has gotten today's catch.
I return under the surface to her, to help her feed her monster of a lusus, when I notice she is not moving. She is holding the dead monster in her arms, sobbing gently.
"Fef…?" I ask, placing a hand on her shoulder. "Is somethin' wwrong?"
She sniffles, and hugs the creature closer. "O)(, -Eridan…it's just so awful. T)(is lusus didn't )(ave to die! It had a young wriggler t)(at loved it. Now w)(at is it to do? Just be culled? )(ow awful…!" Her tears return and she continues to sob.
I do not understand. This is the way of life, the way it must be. Besides, the thing is so…tiny. Why would she have sympathy for something so insignificant?
But…she is upset. And that is my main concern.
"Fef, it's okay…" I hold her from behind as her crying goes on. "Wwe havve to do this. Or else she…"
"I know…" she sighs. "Or we all would…" she nods and turns to me.
"T)(ank you, -Eridan. I suppose I was just )(aving a moment of weakness." She hugs me.
I hug her back, my cape enclosing her. My cheeks have that strange heat again.
"You're a wonderful moirail." She says, and I smile.
"So are you."
The dream changes again. I am in my respiteblock.
Moirail.
I hate the word.
I hate it so fucking much.
What does it even mean? I thought it meant a true friend, one who would never leave, one who stays by your side through the toughest times, brings out the better in you, helps you with your flaws, but most importantly…cares.
I no longer have that.
She has left me, entered that stupid game. I can't believe I even agreed to it. How foolish of me.
She denies me, and JOKES about it, thinking that my feelings are just something she can PLAY WITH, as if they were a stupid, FUCKING CUTTLEFISH.
I…I opened my heart to her.
And she JOKED about it.
My cheeks are hot again. Shame, anger…
That stupid lowblood. What was his name? Sollux? HE stole her away? That's obviously her intentions. What, he saves her ONE time? And she's suddenly at his beckon call? What about everything I did? Helped her with her stupid lusus, was her only friend for years. But, just because I'm not the most stable of trolls, just because I get a LITTLE angry every now and then, she COMPLETELY TOSSES ME ASIDE LIKE I'M A BOTTLE OF DISGUSTING SWILL?!
I wake up in a cold sweat. I'm trembling, and there are tears in my eyes. I rise to my feet.
Fef's body still lies before me, and I make eye contact with her.
)(I! My name is Feferi Peixes! W)(o are you?
You're funny, -Eridan! I like you!
I snap my wand in half with my right hand.
"I fuckin' LOVVED YOU!" I scream. "I practically WWORSHIPPED THE FUCKIN' GROUND YOU WWALKED ON…! Orchid tears stream down my face. "I…I just wwanted you to livve up to your expectations…! You wwere a queen, Fef! A QUEEN…!"
I crawl to her, grasping her cold, lifeless hand.
"You…you only wwanted evveryone to be happy. But…this wworld is so disgustin'… you wwere better than it… you wwanted things it just couldn't givve you…"
The room is quiet. She is still. I sniffle.
"But…you wwere so ungrateful! I…I fed your stupid fuckin' lusus and kept her quiet, I wwas there for you wwhen she died…you wwere there for me wwhen mine wwas killed by those angels… wwe…wwe used to play together wwhen wwe wwere kids. Just kids! Just…just you an' me… no one evver messed wwith us. You…taught me howw to be happy in such an awwful wworld… but…I just couldn't change. This place changed me…and noww…I understand, Fef…I understand wwhy you couldn't do wwhat I wwanted. But…but you just…you wwere so insensitivve!"
I breathe for a moment, and put her hand down.
"Then again, I nevver wwas much better…"
Her fuchsia eyes stare emptily at me.
Those eyes. Those beautiful, gorgeous eyes…
I choke on my tears, and lay on her chest.
"Oh, Fef…I'm sorry. I'm sorry…"
If only she was still here. If only I hadn't done the things I'd done…If only I could've seen sooner seen what she needed…I could have made her happy, maybe she would have loved me like I love her… I wouldn't have…
I wouldn't have died along with her.