What was wrong with them?!
Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad. – Henry Longsfellow
…..
Sam mused now as he thought back to that time when he was the one on the other end of the barrel and Dean had to do something drastic yet again to save his ass. The most memorable was the one when Dean had allowed the angel Gadreal to possessed him. The one other time he had been his most angry with Dean and they had had one of those epic fights again, and this one had been epic. They had had the talk first, one where Sam had coldly told Dean that he 'wouldn't have done the same thing' to save him this time, that he would have let him die and had proceeded to declare that they were no longer brothers. Dean had gone from shock to angry to cold all in a millisecond. He had hurt Dean this time, and that was what he had been aiming for. Then the distance had begun, them working together but not being brothers anymore. As if! But Dean reacted differently when he was hurt, he gets cold.
That had been their longest fight ever. And how did it eventually end? When one of them was yet again on the other end of the barrel. Right back at square one. Sam reflected back on it now.
They had been politely walking around each other for days now, being business partners but not brothers, whatever the hell that meant. That particular morning, Sam walked into the kitchen, his cold armor on as soon as he saw Dean in the kitchen too, with the fridge open, staring at the cans of cold beer but not making a move to get any, as if he was contemplating which one to take. As if they had much of a choice in there.
"Morning." Sam said politely, going for Cereal. He would have commented on Dean being quiet and not returning his greeting with a 'Hey', if they had been talking.
He would have commented on Dean staring at the cans of beer in the fridge this early in the morning with a "Don't tell me you're thinking of a beer first thing in the morning.' If they were talking.
He would have said something about Dean's out of space brooding, and would have asked what was wrong, with an, 'Hey, you good?' If they were talking.
Hell, he would have been concerned, he was, and he would have shown it, had they been talking. But they weren't talking, and he knew exactly what was wrong with Dean. They were not talking, and Dean was miserable. He was too but Sam was angry, and he wasn't letting up on Dean any. Not this time!
So, Sam ignored the fact that Dean had ignored his greeting and proceeded with his Cereal to the table, he sat down and started to eat. Dean could stare at his beer or drink his beer first thing in the morning with nothing in his stomach or become an alcoholic or never utter another word to him for all he cared! Sam shoved the spoonful of cereal in his mouth and pushed it past the bile in throat. He was good.
He saw Dean finally 'choose' a beer, popped it, banged the fridge door shut, leaned against it and proceeded to drink his beer.
Sam was not about to start something, so he shoved another spoonful of cereal in his mouth and pretended to like it. He should find a case so they could have something to talk about, since that was all they had agreed to talk about, cases.
Then suddenly Dean walked over and slammed his beer on the table, Sam was startled but he wasn't about to show it. He just deliberately dropped his spoon in his cereal bowl and turned to look at Dean's angry face with one of his own. Fine, if Dean wanted to turn this into something, then bring it on!
Dean wiped his mouth with one hand and paced, a tell that he was already in the ring.
Sam got ready for it,
"Look Dean, I don't want to get into a fight this early…."
Dean scoffed, 'You know, you can say whatever you want about us not being brothers anymore, I get it Sam. I do. For whatever reason."
Good, that had got to him but good, Sam mused satisfactorily.
"But don't you dare say I went too far this time to save your life. Because that's a lie and you know it!" Dean continued, belligerently.
"You. Let an angel possess me Dean!" Sam insisted, enraged, again.
"Oh, and that was so terrible Sam." Dean mocked. "But you know that wasn't the worst I've ever done to save you. And I tell you know, for me that wasn't such a hard decision to make."
Sam was livid now. Was it so easy for him? Things like that just ran down his back like water?!
"I killed Kevin! Because of what you did. I. Killed. Kevin! Dean! It was my hands I saw- Killing Kevin, and don't you dare-!
"I killed dad." Dean said bitterly. "I caused his death. How do you think that made me feel? And as for killing Kevin, that is on me. And it's still not the worst thing that I've ever done- to save you. I already gave my Soul- to get you back! What is killing Kevin?"
Oh, now Sam was about to BLOW UP on that one. 'What was killing Kevin?!' Really?! Unbelievable!
"You. Did not. Just say that Dean!" Sam vowed.
"I went to Hell! To save you." Dean continued.
Sammy wanted to scoff and look away, but he couldn't seem to be able to look away from Dean's fierce gaze. The weight of what he was saying really get through to Sam now.
But Sam had killed Kevin and Dean was acting like it was a trivial matter. And he'd be DAMNED!
"Well, you should have let me go. Dean. We both know that what's dead should stay dead." Sam said coldly.
Dean was hurt by that, Sam could see it in his eyes when, for that moment, Dean seemed lost for words and just stared at him and paused from his tirade to absorb the shock of what Sam had just let out of his mouth. As much as Dean had sounded like he had trivialized killing Kevin, Sam had just now trivialized what Dean had done for him, all that Dean had ever done for him. And if Sam were to admit it, he hurt more from saying it.
Sam had dealt him a low bow and it had nearly knocked Dean out, nearly. But Dean wasn't going down without a fight. He had a comeback.
"And you became the kind of monster that we hunt to get back at Lilith for killing me. Or were you just craving some demon blood." Dean said, his eyes dead of all emotion.
Sam swallowed to mask the pain of that blow. Fair, they were square now. He didn't feel so terrible about what he had just said to Dean a few seconds ago. He felt vindicated, because Dean had come back swinging and it had hurt. But that had to hurt Dean saying it than it hurt Sam hearing it, despite the absence of emotion in Dean's eyes, Sam knew his brother too well to be fooled by that. They just glared at each other now. The 'not being brothers' thing was like a divorce document being written, all that was left was a stamp on it. The next words could do it.
Dean said it first, with less coldness now but more resignation in his voice, and that was worse. Dean was giving up. Dean never gave up. And never on his brother. But this sounded treacherously like it. If Dean were to ever give up on him, Sam had imagined it would sound something like that. And it was scary.
"I regret with all my heart that Kevin had to die because of what I did- to you." Dean said, solemnly. "At the time, in light of all that we have been through, letting an angel possess you was the easiest decision Sam, if it meant saving you. Hell, I would have agreed to Crowley possessing you if it meant saving you Sammy. Had it been an option at the time, I would have given my soul-again-to save you. Would have booked myself a one-way ticket to hell with a happy smile, had that been an option." Dean said and sighed, looking intently at Sam.
"And," Dean continued, "If I had known that it would turn out like this, if I had known…that Kevin would die because of it…" He looked down contemplatively, as if searching for words, searching for options, then he looked up at Sam again, his eyes at their most sincere,
"…. I can't honestly say that wouldn't have done the exact same thing." Dean declared finally, with resignation.
Sam just swallowed the bile in his throat, not knowing what to say now, how to say it, in the face of his brother's love, which mirrored his, if he were being honest.
"And that's exactly what's wrong with us Dean. We are willing to sacrifice anything to save each other. Going to hell, losing our souls- Dean we've dabbled into everything good, bad and downright evil to save each other. And…I'm just tired, Dean." Sam said exasperatedly.
Dean nodded and then continued, "I know, what you've also sacrificed for me over the years, what you've gone through in order to save me. I also understand how that may have changed somehow, over the years, for you. You've always wanted a normal life. You did just say you wouldn't have done the same for me, and I believe you, Sam." Dean said with a tight sad smile. Dean did believe that Sam wouldn't have done the same for him, and Sam wasn't sure he was comfortable with Dean thinking that way anymore.
Dean scoffed somberly and continued, "Tell you what Sammy, because we've been through enough of these little dances to know that we're not gonna live forever, when next it's my turn to die, don't hold me back. Don't try anything to bring me back. In your own words, let me go. We both know you've had good practice, since you didn't look for me when I was in Purgatory." Dean said with a final note in his voice, walking out of the kitchen. "It should be easy for you." He said finally before exiting.
And there it was, the final stamp on that 'not brothers anymore thing'. And Sam wasn't good. He had thought this time it would be easy for him, letting Dean go. Because, let's face it, it wasn't going to be long before either one of their number was called again, and Sam sure hoped it would be him again this time, that would be a lot easier.
But it had turned out that it was Dean's number the next time and seeing Megatron sink that long blade into his brother's chest, knowing that there was no going back this time, with a raw cry, Sam knew. He could never let Dean go. How in the world could he live? It was always easier when he was the one that was dying. But on the other side of the world, he didn't know how to breathe.
So, he had declared that he would save his brother or die trying. 'Dying' being the operative word here. It would just be a process, if he didn't get Dean back. Failure was not an option.
So, he had got Dean back, as a demon, no less but Sam was so grateful that Dean was a demon and not actually dead-dead, because he didn't know what he was going to trade if he couldn't get a deal. Selling his soul would be the easiest thing but last time no demon was dealing. But he had got his brother back, damaged but curable. If that didn't show him that God was on his side, he didn't know what would. The one thing he could not live without, the one person he couldn't lose, God had managed to give back to him over and over again, by whatever means. In spite of all he had done. He had his brother back again, and he could breathe.
Then the mark of Cain had become trouble and Sam had messed with the book of the damned and got Charlie killed, to save Dean.
Then he had to go and release darkness on the earth, to save Dean.
Anything to save Dean.
Now how was that not equal, if not worse, than what Dean had done in order to save him? And now here they were again, with Dean threatening to lock himself up in that box for eternity, to save the world. But more than that, Sam knew that it was more to prevent himself from unwittingly hurting the people he loved. To prevent himself from ever hurting Sam, meat suit or not.
And he couldn't. Sam just couldn't!
He would willingly lock himself with clouds in a warehouse for eternity if he had to. He could trade places with Dean anytime, that was the easiest thing to do. But what he couldn't do, was to just let him go. That was what was wrong with him, with them. Letting each other go, it wasn't an option. So, may God help him again for what he was about to do now. And may Dean forgive him.
…
The moon was a ghostly galleon tossed upon cloudy seas.
Then look for me by moonlight, Watch for me by moonlight, I'll come to thee by moonlight, though hell should bar the way!
Only in souls the Christ is brought to birth, And there He lives and dies.