Disclaimer: I do not own Tokyo ghoul.
yearning for breath
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There are days when Hinami is happy that her beloved big brother isn't here anymore. She is happy because he is the one who gave her feelings like no other and he is also the one who crushed her tender little heart. If big brother never came here she'd never have to experience the seemingly unending pain of unrequited love. Of course, those days are rare and her emotional outbursts are short; but those days do exist and Hinami is guilty.
She's guilty because her beloved big brother has given her nothing but love and hope for new days when she thought all had come to an end. It is her big brother that taught her how to read the books she loves so much. But a minuscule part of her also agrees; rather bitterly that it is her big brother who stood like a coward and didn't do a thing when her mother was cruelly killed in front of her eyes. Hinami knows that her big brother couldn't have really done anything. He was a victim to the circumstances just as much as she was. She knows that yet that minuscule part of her had hoped that he'd have at least tried to save her from being orphaned. Losing her father was enough of a blow to her little heart and broke her into tiny little shards of glass. Losing her mother too was like completely smashing those shards to dust. But big brother had saved her, and that big brother had given her happiness and feelings that she'd never experienced before and so, Hinami is guilty for being so bitter.
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When she sees her big brother again after for what felt like centuries he isn't the same boy anymore. No, rather her big brother had turned into this brave man, so astonishingly strong and heroic she almost didn't want to believe it was her big brother. Reality, of course, was different. The man with hair as white as lightning and dead eyes truly was her beloved big brother. Once again, he was saving her;
Or was he?
A voice spoke into the back of her mind but she ignored it because look who is standing in front of you in all his tragic glory!
Hinami hadn't protested when they had cuffed her and taken her into the deep abyss of cochlea. She was powerless to her own weaknesses; and that aching desire to see her big brother again. It didn't matter in what position she was, shackled in a horrifying prison or free in a warm and bright coffee shop illuminated with normality and happiness; she just wanted to see the boy now turned man whom she'd fallen in love with again.
And it is exactly because she loves this broken man so much; she is also capable of hating him.
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While in cochlea, Hinami had thought of only two things: she'd die here, lonely but happy because she had been able to read all the books she loved and also because he was the one who brought them here. The second option she considered was that Ayato and the others would come to see her because he had way too much courage and quite possibly romantic feelings for her that's he didn't return. Either that or her big brother would come to save her. He has always been saving her so why not this time around too? Didn't matter if he was a hero of CCG and she was a vicious, oh so scary ghoul. Big brother was big brother and Hinami was Hinami. That couldn't, wouldn't, shouldn't ever change.
So when she saw him again, dressed all black and back with his previous ebony hair just like her soul she wasn't as surprised as she expected herself to be. She was tired and lonely and she just wanted to embrace him but oh look who's here too-
Big sister Touka; the one who took her first love. Hinami feels guilty because that is the first thought that comes to her mind upon seeing her. She feels guilty because it is also big sister Touka who gave her affection and safety when she needed it the most; especially after big brother had left.
Now big sister is scolding her and passing by big brother and then embracing her and it all happens so fast that Hinami just can't help but cry. For this moment, she forgets her all her jealousy; all her bitter feelings and guilt and lets herself feel comfort and relief in seeing familiar faces that remind her of much, much happier times.
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The next time and probably the last time these bitter feelings resurface in Hinami's mind is when she just knows that she will die. In front of her is someone she can never defeat, Suzuya of the CCG but there are more important matters at hand now than her life. Such as big sister Touka standing next to her, and her and big brother's- bile rises in her throat at the thought but she takes a deep breath because she's older now and over those childish feelings- innocent child who does not deserve to die even before he or she is born. So Hinami gathers her courage and steps up to fight even though she knows she doesn't stand a chance. Big sister and big brother have been nothing but kind to her and she's always repaying them with her bitter feelings so maybe she can only ever repay them truly with her life.
Just when she feels the wind of death gushing towards her and just when she thinks she is ready to see her mother and father again-he saves her; again like he has always done. Hinami doesn't know how to name this feeling that she feels between regret and relief.
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Happier times has come, she hears everyone say nowadays. Ghouls and humans have joined hands because there's no better time to unite than in the face of greater threats. Let us all forget all the injustice and unfairness we have done to each other and coexist merrily. Selfish cowards, she mumbles to herself as she strolls through broken towns. Faintly, she hears someone calling her but she doesn't turn around. She has been walking in a straight line for way too long and is just too tired to take a new route or turn around now. She hears her name being called again and luckily she doesn't have to turn around because he is already here, taking her hands in his.
"Ayato," she sighs and greets him.
Ayato, who's usually grumpy and dark, smiles at her and unwillingly she feels her insides warm up. She is not new to these feelings, but the person is new and different and loves her. Loves her. Hinami is new to this, being loved by someone romantically. She doesn't turn him away or reject him. At least for once in her life, she wants to be selfish. She has spent too long loving the wrong person and she's exhausted from being suffocated by unrequited feelings. This time around, she wants to fall for this boy who's her age and loves her and doesn't make her feel weak or helpless ever. This time around, Hinami wants feelings that are warm and motivating rather than feelings that are bitter and never returned.
So when she sees big brother and big sister and little Ichika between them, walking a little distance ahead of them; she doesn't find herself scowling. She doesn't feel bile rising to her throat or her heart being stomped on. She finds herself rather smiling and her heart feeling lighter than ever. She hears Ayato calling out to them and they turn around.
Her eyes meet his. He smiles at her, like he always has. Hinami smiles back because finally, finally she can look at him in the eye without feelings of guilt and hurt. She can finally breathe without being suffocated by guilt. Beside her, Ayato's hands are warm and loving. For the first time after many years of seemingly never ending and excruciating pain, Hinami truly feels happy.
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Because patience rarely goes unrewarded.
Author's note: Hello, readers. I'd like to thank those who read this story. I hope you enjoyed this rather dark story but with a happy ending. If you liked it, please leave a review. Reviews make authors happy and happy authors write more stories. Also, if you'd like another oneshot featuring Mutsuki/Akira on their feelings on Kaneki do tell me. Have a nice day!
P.S- English is not my first language so do forgive any grammatical/spelling mistakes.