Authors Note: This story is about suicide, please do not read it if there is any possibility that it is going to trigger you, or make you feel uncomfortable. And if you need to talk about anything, I'm always here!
Inspired by O Death by Jen Titus, and a South Park quote, which was probably meant to be funny, but I found it kind of haunting.
June, 7th 2013.
I want to be remembered for being the man that I was before everything turned sour, and I began to slowly destroy all the good in my life. I want to be remembered for the stupid things that I would do, and for the good times with my family, not for the fights that I have caused in the past few months, and definitely not for this moment right now. I do not want this moment to be remembered, and I do not want this portion of my life to define me.
The story of my life is not an exciting one – I was not a child that was abused, I just simply had demons in my head, telling me things. It was not a secret, everyone who associated themselves with me was aware of my issues, it would be impossible for them not to know.
In life I never was a true religious man - not really, anyway. I believed in God, the Heavens and Hell. I believed in a higher power, and destiny, and everything else that the Church taught you. However, as I gained my independence at the age of 18 when I was kicked out of my parent's house, I stopped going to Church, and stopped praying. I stopped actively believing that everyone can be helped by God - because I wasn't being helped by God.
I couldn't see why a man who was so powerful, so all knowing and wonderful, could allow such pain and suffering to go on in the world. I was beginning to question everything that I had been taught. I had been good in life, and yet somehow I was suffering such pain at the hands of God. Why was I allowed to suffer? Why for years now have I had to live with the burden of all this?
It was God's fault that I was suffering, that was the only way that I could see it – it still is the only way that I can see it. He had given me these demons in my head, he was responsible for the constant doubting, and questioning, and bad thoughts that I had to deal with every day of my life.
If asked upon reaching the gates of Heaven why I have done this, I will have no definitive answer. There is no specific reason as to why this has ended this way, but it is right. This is what needed to be done. This was my destiny, and I understand that now. My path was laid out before me by God, prior to my birth. Since then I have been following it closely. This was the path God chose for me, and this was the way God intended it to end.
My mother, of course, will blame herself. Not that she has any reason to do so. Throughout my life she had been nothing but supportive. My father will blame the drink. My father believed that the reason for my issues were because of my apparent 'alcohol problem', the fact was I had been teetotal since meeting Dean 5 years ago – drink is not the reason for this. Gabriel will understand, and that is the scariest part of it all - because I myself don't fully understand it. He always did have a way of understanding things that no one else could, he had a way of reading people and understanding the meaning behind everything they said. And Dean? Well, he'll blame God. Dean always did have a difficult relationship with God - and I felt that there was always that strain between us because if this. He will feel guilty for not trying to help me further, but in reality he had done more than I could ever have imagined. I doubt I would have lasted this long if I had not met him.
I love my family, and I would never want to intentionally hurt them. Eventually they will understand that this was the best option, and that now I am at peace with myself. My demons cannot get to me where I am going. My demons will not torture me any longer. I will be at rest.
Too long have my nights been haunted with thoughts of the past, with nightmares of the possible future, and terrors of what I might become. I must destroy them now, before they destroy me. This is me taking back control of my life from them, something that has been lost for so long now that I had almost forgotten. I must end all of this now, before they end me.
It greatly saddens me that it has come down to this. That ending my life is the only way of finally ending my problems. There was no other option, and for that I am sorry. I tried, and tried my hardest, but nothing could prepare me for the failures that I endured - knocking me back further until finally I cracked, and this is the end result.
It is not a surprise to me that I find myself here, sat in this position - in the spot that I first met Dean. I'm not going to spoil my death by allowing you to know how it happened, I do not want anyone close to me to know. Allow me to die gracefully, and do not pry. That is my dying wish.
This is no one's fault but my own. No one has failed me, and I beg that no one is blamed for this. This is my own doing, this has happened because of my own self. Death is a choice I have made, and one I have made willingly.
The sun is going down now. The sky is a mixture of purple and red. It's truly beautiful. Never before had I appreciated the true beauty of the sunset. The magnificence of this thing that helps keep us alive, something we take for granted so often. It is only in death do you truly appreciate the smaller things in life. The things that are rarely ever thought about.
In life I took many things for granted. My family were there for me during the tough times, and stayed with me no matter what happened. I am incredibly grateful for everything that they have done for me, for the happiness that they brought me, and for all the lessons that they taught me. For that, I thank them.
I had tried my hardest to last another year, to defy my destiny and hold on to life - to try and stay as long as possible for my family. You cannot change the path that is already laid out before you, and no matter how hard you beg and plead, God will not have mercy on your soul. You are but one person in a sea of billions. You need to ask yourself what makes you so special. I understand that now. There is no reason for God to keep me on this Earth any longer than what is needed. I will join him shortly. Soon, I will be one of God's many children in Heaven.
It's almost over. The sun has gone, the moon is out, and the stars are beginning to light the night sky.
I now sit alone, waiting for death to take me. And I wonder, will I dream?