Songfic on the Song "I touch myself"
Pairing: James/Sirius
Rating: M for male/male slash
Disclamer: I don't own Harry Potter - JK.R does.
Actually I'm growing quite fond of this pairing, because I personally think, that Sirius has been in love with James at a time. But still, my fav is still Sirius/Harry...and always will be. This is my first attempt at writing a James/Sirius...hope you enjoy it! And I kindly ask you to review - no flames!
I love myself
I want you to love me
When I'm feelin' down
I want you above me
I search myself
I want you to find me
I forget myself
I want you to remind me
I don't want anybody else
When I think about you
I touch myself
I don't want anybody else
I touch myself - I want you to touch me
If James Potter would acutally find out one day, what thoughts are occupying my mind when I lay awake at night, he would kill me. Just to ressurrect me, so he could kill me again. If he knew, that he's got the leading role in my wet dreams, which are torturering me night after night. If he kew, that it's his name, I'm hissing, when I hit it off...
I'd be a dead man.
Thank Merlin, I happen to be a wizard. And with this ability, I am wise enough to cast a 'Silencing Charm' around my four-poster bed in Gryffindor Tower...just to keep my little problem private.
Tonight is just one of those night, where I won't be able to find any sleep at all...either because I have to touch myself, because of these not so innocents thoughts I have on my best friend...or because the sandman will bring me one of those not so innocent dreams. In any case, I happen to be very thankful for the Silencing Charm, because I really don't need the situation, in which I try to explain my best friend, why I'm moaning James...oh yes...James...do it!, to happen. Of course this goes with Remus and Peter also. The explaining...not the moaning...
A sigh escapes me, and I turn around, swallowing. Now, I have my back on James' bed, because it is already hard enough to see his face in front of my eyes, everytime I close them. I don't have to actually stare at him through the curtains of my bed, while he is probably asleep, looking absolutely adoring...dreaming of Lily Evans...
Lily.
I'd rather not think about her.
How long has it in fact been, that I think about James that way...wanting him...loving him?Actually, I can't tell for sure. He has always been very important to me. Since I've met him, six years ago at the Hogwarts Express...I just knew, that this lad would be my best mate. Just him and no one else. That he would be the one, I would die for - and it goes the same way with James. He would die for me, too.
But my feelings have reached dimensions, I don't want to reveal to James.
Again, a sigh escapes my lips. A sigh sounding alarmingly like my best friend's name.
"James..."
"Yes?"
I wince and my stomach clenches tightly as I hear the soft barritone that belongs to James Potter, and I don't dare to turn around to face him. I open my mouth, because James certainly expects me to answer, but no sound escapes my trembling lips.
"Sirius?"
Just keep silent and pretend to sleep, I silently tell myself, praying, that James would leave it...but I know he never would...
I hear the silent footsteps padding along the floor, aproaching my bed...I listen as someone draws the curtains and suddenly my bed shifts under the weight of this particular person.
My eyes widen, as I feel a soft hand gently touching my shoulder, but yet again, I don't dare to turn around.
"Don't you want to look at me, Sirius?"
Just from his gentle tune I get aroused, and my friend's breath, that tickles my neck, does the rest. Ever so carefully I turn around and I find myself nose to nose with James, who's looking at me out of his warm, hazel eyes. His lips are curved in a playful smile and I just want to bugger him right away.
Just how is this man able to make me feel helpless like this? Me, Sirius Black, out of all people! Yet no one has this kind of power over me...no one other than James Potter.
I still look for my voice and once again I feel so stupid and inferior. Thousands of thoughts are running through my mind...Why's James here? In my bed?..What does he know?...
I will recieve the answers to my questions right away.
James' smile gains confidence...one could also name it as arrogant but only I know what it acutally is - superior. He holds out his hand, gently touches my cheek...and one finger softly runs down my face, sending shivers down my spine. I look at him with huge eyes, wanting to ask him, what he actually wants...but I already know. And it arouses me immensely.
Gentle fingers are caressing my throat, my collarbone and I shiver once more. His eyes never leave mine, his superior smile never falters and I silently curse him, that he's even leading in this situation. His hand is crawling lower and lower until it reaches the waistband of my pyjama bottoms, which are already painfully streched. No need to say why.
Nevertheless, I finally get my voice back and I somewhat manage to choke out the words 'what are you doing?' - feeling absolutely stupid. James just releases a short bark of laughter before he bends down, almost touching my ear with his lips - almost.
"What do you think, I'm doing, Padfoot?"
His breath is hot against my skin, and I feel like coming right here and then.
"Fuck you, of course..." he snarls and his hand is gripping me, hot and tight. "That's what you want, isn't it?" A choking sound escapes my throat and I nearly lose my senses. It surely feels that way.
My breath comes in gasps, as James is having his way with me, and once more I ask myself, what his intentions really are.
Our lips never touch.
I'm sure, that he can point out the emotions shimmering in my eyes...that he knows, that it's not just the sexual need in me, that yearns for his touch, but that I love him deeply.
Yet his eyes, even though warm and gentle, never return these emotions.
"James..." I whisper and his smile finally falters. His eyes harden, as he grabs me, forcefully pressing me onto my stomach.
"Shut up, Sirius!" he hisses, and before I can react, he is already pushing into me. I suck in my breath, because the pain's nearly overwhelming me. James stops for a moment, but after a brief break, he starts to move slowly inside me...becoming rapidly faster.
With every thrust I get closer to my climax, yet at the same time, every thrust is breaking my heart a little more. I clench my teeth to prevent me to scream, but wenn I hit my orgasm along with James, a painful sound escapes my lips, sounding like my friend's name once again.
James, on the other hand, hits his orgasm a lot louder.
His 'Oh god, Sirius...FUCK!!' will ring in my ears for many following days...I'm sure of that.
He collapses over my body, and his breath is surely as fast as mine...and his heart hammers as hard against his breast as mine does against my own. For a long time both of us don't dare to move and I listen to his breath, that is slowly becoming steady again.
As I carefully turn around, I feel my heart breaking at the sight of my best friend. Silvery tears are running down his cheeks as James looks at me, and I think I will die any moment, because the pain is just too much.
"James..." I start desperately, but he merely shakes his head.
What he says next, cuts into my soul and I nearly stop breathing at all.
"I cannot love you..."
After the words have left his mouth, he silently gets up, grabs his pyjama and climbs out of my bed to reach for his own again. My widened eyes follow his back, and I've never felt this lonely in my entire life. I want to scream, want to stop him...want to ask him, why he can't love me...but I do nothing.
Maybe it would have changed something, if I had.
Maybe not.
And in this moment I realize, that I will never possess James Potter. No matter, how much I want to. No matter, how much he probably wants me to.
I close my eyes
And see you before me
Think I would die
If you were to ignore me
A fool could see
Just how much I adore you
I get down on my knees
I'd do anything for you
Hope you liked it! Please review...
HarrySirius