Eight Weeks

-x-

Eight weeks.

Two months.

Sixty days.

The baby, her baby had been forming inside of her for eight weeks. A baby, who had been, conceived on their first anniversary weekend in Ireland. For eight weeks she had dreamt of the small baby that grew inside her. She had wondered about whether it was a boy or a girl, whether it would look like James or her, or whether she'd mind either way.

But then just like that, it was gone. Dead. Lost. Ceasing to exist. In the end, it wasn't a baby, not yet. But it would have been, if her ovaries had done their job right. And now it was nothing but a mass of tissue wrapped up in a towel next to her bathtub. The small bundle taunted her and Lily felt sick at the loss. She'd never felt grief like she did now.

"Lily?"

She braced her hands against the edges of the sink and tried desperately to silence her sobs. She didn't know how long she had been crying in the bathroom, and frankly she didn't care. The floorboards outside the bathroom creaked softly as somebody knocked softly on the door.

"Lily I know you're in there," the voice said, worried. "Why don't you come on out here? Mary said you haven't left your room at all, and you haven't answered any of my calls"

The logical thing would've been to walk over to the door, fling it open, throw herself into James' arms and explain why she was acting so odd. But grief didn't let people act logically and Lily stared blankly at herself in the mirror, not really seeing anything but a woman who was broken.

"Lil, you're really scaring me right now, I'm sure that whatever it is, we can fix it. Together."

Lily's chest tightened painfully at his words, and her hands flew to her stomach. He couldn't fix this, and neither could she; let alone together.

"James, please. Just go away."

It was silence that greeted Lily and she sighed at James' lack of response. But her relief was short-lived when two seconds later the doorknob to the bathroom door twisted and James Potter walked in, his face panicked and confused as he took in the sight of her and the bathroom.

"Don't you ever do what you're bloody told?" Lily hissed as she frantically tried to hide the bloody towels and clothes strewn on the floor. It would've been much quicker if she had her wand, but she'd stupidly left it on her bedside table. "Just piss off James!"

"There's something you aren't telling me, and I'm not going anywhere until you tell me." James crossed his arms over his chest and Lily knew that he meant what he said. He was just as stubborn as her and she knew that he really wouldn't budge until she spilled her secrets to him.

Clenching her fists at her sides, Lily glared at him and wished that he'd just leave her alone. She hated him, hated everything about him.

"You really want to know?" Lily seethed as she stepped towards him and jabbed a finger against his chest. "You want to know why there's blood everywhere?" She jabbed his chest again, harder this time. "I lost it, lost it like...like it'll just show up in my bag somewhere. Lost it like it didn't fucking matter to me." She waved her hand at the small bundle beside her bathtub, the sight of which only made her feel more infuriated and desparate.

James' eyes barely glanced at the bundle, and Lily's vision became blurry as tears obscured her vision. "Lost what? Lily what the fuck are you talking about?"

How dare he get angry! He had no right, Lily thought bitterly as she stepped closer to him again and hit her fist against his shoulder, hard enough for him to take a step back.

"The baby!" Lily said breathlessly, her voice faltering as sobs began to bubble inside her chest. James glanced once again at the bundle beside her bathtub, his eyebrows furrowing before realisation crossed his features. "We made it eight weeks ago in Cork, and now it's gone."

This hadn't been the way that Lily had imagined telling James about their baby. Of course she'd known since they'd gotten together that they'd have children together, but Lily had always imagined that telling James about her being pregnant would be a happy occasion. She'd always imagined that when she told him, he'd pick her up in his arms, kiss her, and profess his feelings of immense excitement about their new addition.

Not once had she imagined that she'd be telling him like this. With her admitting she'd lost the baby, sobbing uncontrollably in his arms, as he tried desperately to comfort and console her. It shouldn't have been like this.

"It's my fault," Lily choked out as James' hands brushed against her hair. "I should've been more careful, I should've pulled back on training for the Order."

"Don't."

"It's true though, I know it is. It's my fault that it isn't here anymore. I won't blame you for hating me, I hate myself too."

"Lily just stop." He pulled her away from him and placed his hands firmly on her shoulders, rooting her to the spot and forcing her to look at him. Lily couldn't bear the sight of him, it only reminded her of what could've been, and what she had just lost. "I don't hate you, and it isn't your fault."

Lily opened her mouth to protest, and James shook his head as he ran his hands down her arms and entwined his fingers with hers.

"I'm not going to lie, it's extremely disappointing that we lost the baby," his voice faltered as he looked away and composed himself for a moment. His eyes were watery when he looked back at her, and Lily's body trembled as tears cascaded down her cheeks again. "But Lily, we have the rest of our lives to try again when you're ready to. When we're ready to."

"You promise?" Lily choked out as James squeezed her hands tight and rested his forehead against hers.

"I promise."

-x-

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm okay," Lily replied softly as she got up off the ground and settled into a chair next to James. "Looks beautiful doesn't it?"

James nodded as he looked at the small, but blooming, rose bush at their feet. Beside it a small marble headstone was propped up with only two small inscriptions on it: a date and a name. Apart from the small rose bush, the garden of their London flat was relatively bare, and Lily sipped on her lemonade contentedly as she reached out for James' hand.

"Do you ever think about it?" He asked quietly, eyes staring blankly at the rose bush and tracing circles onto the back of Lily's hand.

"Everyday," she said, her heart skipping a beat at what could've been. "But my dad always used to say that everything happened for a reason, and in a messed up way I'm sort of glad everything happened the way it did."

"How d'you mean?"

"James, we were seventeen, fresh out of Hogwarts. There was no way we were prepared for life with a baby, we would have been miserable, and so would she."

Since they'd lost their baby, Lily had had lots of time to think about how their lives would've ended up had she not lost it.

Of course, she and James would've been ecstatic, and on cloud nine leading up to the birth. But given how both of them had only just begun their training for the Order, and how at that time the war had only just begun it's violent crescendo, a baby would've been the worst thing to introduce into both of their lives. And Lily was sure that had the baby made it,full-term it would've been passed off to one of their parents whilst she and James fought in the war with no guarantee of either of them coming back to collect their child.

Seventeen was too young an age to have a child, especially when at that age you were still a child yourself. War made people do crazy things, things as crazy as children having their own babies. Or like getting pregnant at nineteen and married two weeks later.

"I suppose."

"They'll always be our first, but I'm just happy that we're lucky enough to be two weeks away from welcoming this one, don't you agree?"

"I still reckon this one's a boy." James joked, the absent look on his face morphing into a grin at the mention of the new addition to their family.

"I don't care either way, just as long he or she is healthy."

"Me too Lil," James concluded as he kissed her on the cheek, his free hand resting on her rotund belly. "Besides, girl or boy it doesn't matter, I'll be handing them their first broomstick as soon as they learn how to hold something anyway."

"Dream on Potter."

Author's Note

I hope you enjoyed it (as depressing and bleak as it is)! I've never written anything quite this gut-wrenching when it comes to jily, but was inspired by a previous story I'd written and never posted or published anywhere.

Don't forget to leave a review (long, short, emojis), I love hearing your thoughts, comments, and feedback!

Until next time, Andy xoxo