Dearest Lily,
James is doing well. You'll be happy to hear that his case is clearing up a considerable amount, and I think we'll be able to return him to you within several months.
Remus and I have decided it's high time we tell you that we're both as marvelously queer as can be! The two of us have been living together for six months now, and the secrecy's really been getting to us both. Despite it all, we are happy, and the addition of James has made us all the more pleased.
Remus and myself have shagged on most every surface of our apartment. The bed. The shower. The welcome mat. The dinner table. My personal favorite—a working dryer. It's rather nice.
We are currently working through James' necrophilia problems by playing dead and then surprising him later. He's adjusting, but still takes to violent fits after he realizes we weren't, in all actuality, dead.
Remus' issues with transvestic fetishism have become a source of joy in all our lives. We look forward to his little "shows" every Friday. There's something about a man in a dress... stunning, really.
We've decided to overlook my own troubles with homosexual bondage and it's actually becoming quite fun. Remus and James don't mind waking up being bound and gagged so much anymore. Remus actually handcuffed himself to the dryer for me last week.
We all send our love,
Sirius, Remus, James.
A/N: It's at this stage that I began to suspect I'd lost my mind. I hope this had appeal, reviews would be lovely!