"Get a grip...get a grip…pull it together Ellie, querida!" I silently muttered to myself. It was a chant I've been saying for sometime now. I stare in the mirror, not recognizing the woman staring back at me. I was never big on makeup, why do the false advertising? These days I rely on it more than I care to admit. Nothing major of course, mostly just concealer. I snort softly. Concealer. It's meant to conceal the hideous evidence of my newfound insomnia, but it does a horrible job in my opinion.
I exhale softly, trying to get a hold of myself for the umpteenth time. What happened to me? When did I start losing control? When did I stop being happy? I don't know why I ask myself these questions. Not as if I don't already know the answers. The job. This job is definitely taking a toll on me, I'm emotionally spent. Somewhere along the line I stopped caring about myself. Somewhere along the line I lost a personal life, a social life. Social life. Snorting to myself, I can't help but try to recall the last time I even went out on a date…I can't even remember. Wait, I can. The guy kept checking his watch every time I made a smartass comment, and he didn't even wait to hear the rest of my apology when I got the call to return to headquarters. Yeah, my job, when did I start resenting the very thing I worked my ass off to obtain? When did the cases get so emotionally draining? When did I lose my ability to sleep? Why am I not happy? I got what I wanted, so I thought.
I splash water on my face and shudder from the icy pellets that hit my skin, before heading out. Pathetic. Even my confident, anticipatory swagger has been replaced with sluggish loping. At least I can still get my kicks here though. I eye my boys, Reid sprawled out across the seat, blocking my entry and Morgan resting across from him with his eyes closed.
"Move your scrawny little ass geek! I know how tired you are, from staying inside and running off useless trivia while the rest of us saved lives and all, but if you don't mind I'd like to sit down too!" I shoved his foot out of the way and plopped down next to Morgan.
"You know Elle; there were women with attitudes like that before. They had to kidnap, assault, and slaughter men in order to have a shot at procreating,"
"What are you trying to say Reid?" I questioned, my eyebrow raised dubiously. He never won at this game, never.
"To put it in simplest terms, your masculine bravado, lack of filter, and attitude problem will probably keep you from getting laid," He smirked at me, clearly proud of himself.
"Whoaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!" Morgan bellowed. "A point to the kid!"
"Says the kid that probably hasn't gotten any yet to begin with!" I quipped back.
"Ouch! And Elle with the save!" Morgan chuckled. I snickered reaching out to swat Reid, who clearly was disappointed with his defeat, based on the dejected look on his face. He ducked out of my way and started heading down the aisle.
"Awww c'mon Spency, where ya goin?"
" Chess !" he threw over his shoulder.
Ugh. If only I could contain my eye rolling. I should have known he was running under Gideon. He was a permanent fixture at the man's feet, like a lapdog. With a sigh, I turned to face Morgan, hoping to get some other form of entertainment. I settled for studying his face. Even with his eyes closed, he was a picture of perfection. His hand suddenly pressed against my leg. Apparently, I've grown used to my leg twitching, but he took notice. I sensed his questioning eyes on my face as he gently patted my leg.
"A little antsy there Elz," It came out as a statement rather than a question. For a brief second I felt myself melting under the affectionate gesture. Damn. Reid may have been on to something, it really has been awhile.
"Hey! The last guy that put his hand there got his ass kicked!" I muttered, trying to shake the previous thoughts out of my head.
"Oh please, you wouldn't dare!" He teased lightly
"I came pretty close after that vaca that you talked me into dude!" I countered, my voice cracked at the mention of a vacation. It sounded like a lovely concept, temporary, or maybe permanent. A quick glance in his direction told me that he picked up on it too. I should have known. He picks up on everything. I averted my eyes, choosing to stare at Hotch and JJ huddled up in the corner of the jet.
"Elz….you okay?" he inquired, his eyes probing again. I despise it when he does that, that intense look, as if he's trying to see into a person's soul.
"You think Hansel and Gretel 's faces would crack or shatter into a million pieces if they smiled?!" I nodded in Hotch and JJ's direction and snickered. To my relief he quietly chuckled beside me. Maybe I was getting better at throwing him off after all.
He turned to face me again. Damn, I was wrong. I could feel his eyes tracing over the circles under my eyes and I knew another inquiry was coming.
"Elle, you look tired. Maybe you should try getting some rest," I studiously ignored him, and tried to come up with another witty comment. " Are you having trouble sl''
"Geez Der, stop trying to break me down with your sultry, chocolaty eyes!" I interjected. "It only works on those broads you parade in your apartment every night, and that flashy tech analyst of yours!" I quipped, secretly hoping he would just drop it. I should have taken my chances with Reid. He's observant but he rarely had the balls to pointblank a person.
Derek continued to study my face, I couldn't read his expression. "Leave my baby girl outta this!" He must have decided to leave me alone and play along, because he flashed his stunning smile. "Umm Elle?"
I cringed inwardly, unsure as to whether or not I could successfully dodge another one of his inquiries
"Yeah?" even I could hear how small and strained my voice came out.
"Cards?" he offered, stifling a yawn.
I sighed in relief, and he pretended not to notice. At least tonight I wouldn't have to bring out the booze. Derek Morgan would be my savior for tonight, my knight, helping me battle the horrific nightmares and acute insomnia.
"Hell yeah! I'm totally going to beat your ass!" I smirked.