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My Immortal, Evanescence.
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
It's not fair. The spaces between my fingers are right where yours fight perfectly. It's been three months since you left and there's been no word from you. You could at least let me know you're alive. And what about that promise you made me? 'This is the last time you'll ever see me' You're a jerk Edward Cullen, and for some reason beyond anyone's understanding, I still love you with every fiber of my being. It's funny, you promised I'd never see you again, and you were right, I won't ever see you again. Just not for the reasons you think.
All my love, Bella.
Another day, another unsent email, isn't that how this process goes. I want you to know that I'm trying. Desperately. I'm desperately trying to forget you. But I can't and sometimes I hate you for it, and sometimes it's the only thing that gets me through the day.
All my love, Bella.
You know, I can't decide what hurts more, tha fact that you left, or the fact that you lied to me to do it. Yeah, I know you were lying. It's impossible to fall out of love with a snap of your fingers. Believe me, I've tried, yet here I am, still writing to you.
All my love, Bella.
You couldn't have let Alice stay could you? She was my best friend Edward. Best friends are supposed ot be there with ice-cream and devilish plans for ex-boyfriends demise. But no, you took my best friend the same day you took my heart. and now I'm alone. I have no-one. I hope she has a vision of the torture I go through, and I hope it makes you cringe with regret and agony.
All my love, Bella.
I've decided I'm going to find you.
All my love, Bella.
It's taken me three months. But I found you, well I found Carlisle. Seriously if you were going to hide, why the hell did you keep the same name and why the hell did you stay in the USA? I'm gonna call him tomorrow, right after my hospital appointment. Yeah, Charlie thinks I'm sick, just because I've been real tired andI've lost some weight. He thinks I'm depressed. I'm not anymore though.
All my love, Bella.
Edward, I need you to come home. In Phoenix, you said I'd die with you. Well, my love, that doesn't matter any more, because, you see I'm dying without you.
All my love, Bella.
I decided that that would be the last in a long collection of unread letters penned to Edward Cullen. Slowly, I wandered downstairs, and sighed when I saw Charlie slumped over the table sadly. Billy Black was sitting next to him and Jacob seemed to be making tea. Cup of tea, solves everything. At least that what Renee used to say. I hadn't told her yet. Partly because I didn't want to face up to it. Partly because I didn't want her to panic and fly straight up here. Charlie didn't look up as I walked in. His face remained directed at the table, his world run ashore, and him, unable to do anything. Billy looked up at me, his dark eyes vacant. Jacob spun from the counter, leaving the tea abandoned, and threw his arms around me. I was crushed tightly against his chest, and then I let go. Tears poured from my eyes, and rolled down my pale cheeks. No-one said anything. Silence. It was oddly comforting. I stepped back from Jacob's embrace. I have to call him. I have to fight this. If I explain the situation he'll help me. I can't leave Charlie alone.
"I have to make a phone call," I said quietly excusing myself from the shrinking kitchen. Backing away slowly I saw the attention return to the forgotten tea, and my desloate Father. I grabbed my cell phone and a coat from my room, then headed out to my truck and without a word about where I was going I headed to our meadow.
It wasn't how I remembered. It was dying. As though Edward had given it life, and now that he was gone, nothing. Kinda like me. I sat myself down on the grass, struggling to not let a slideshow of Edward and I play behind my eyelids. I'd already memorised the number for Bellevue Hospital, New York City and I quickly dialled the numbers.
"Hello, Bellevue Hospital. How can I help you?" a bored voice said on the other end of the line.
"H-hello. Can you put me through to Dr. Carlisle C-cullen?"
I can't believe I stuttered over his last bloody name. Eughh. I'm pathetic. I've officially turned into one of those pathetic girls who whine over their lives. I used to hate those girls.
"Who's calling?" the voice asked, perking up slightly. Carlise must as big a hit in New York as he was here in Forks.
"His, umm," Crap! Did not think this through. What am I to him? "His daughter in law." Really, Brain, that's the best you can come up with. Way to tear your own heart out.
"Hmm, I didn't know one of the boys got married. Please hold!"
Beep. Beep. Beep. Don't you hate it when you're put on hold? And what the hell was I thinking? Of course none of the boys are married, because they're all in bloody high school. Beep. Beep. Beep. What was taking him so long? You think he'd put his vampire speed to use.
"Hello. This is Dr. Cullen speaking. And I assure you, none of my sons are married, so I most definately do not have a daughter in law. Who is calling?" His voice. It was more like Edward's than I remembered. And that was all it took for the tears to begin.
"Carlisle," I hiccoughed, "It's B-bella. I-i need your help."
I heard the phone move trough the air as though he intended to hang up.
"Please, please, just listen." My crying became uncontrollable. He was the only person who could help me. "I don't want to see him. I just need you to listen" I begged.
"Bella, what is wrong? I shouldn't be talking to you. Ed-"
"Don't say his name." I whispered. I couldn't hear it, not now.
"I apologise. He made us all promise to give you a normal life." Carlisle explained softly.
"I don't have that chance anymore. Something has happened. And you're the only one who can help. I don't even know why I'm calling you. God, I mean I hate charity. But Charlie, and I don't wanna..."
"Bella. Calm down. Take a few deep breaths."
I breathed deeply until my chest stopped shuddering. He must have heard the change in my breathing because he spoke again.
"Now please explain how I can help."
"I need money. Something has happened, and I can't tell you because you'll tell Edward and I don't want him to come back out of pity. But I can't afford it, and I just..." I didn't know how to explain
"Bella. Is it Charlie?" he asked, his concern for me evident in his voice.
"No." I said inaudibly. But of course he was a vampire, he heard me.
"You? Bella, how much do you need?" he asked, his tine defeated and sad.
"It's around $57,000. For a year." I whispered, ashamed.
"Bella, the only treatment which would be that expensive is... No. Bella, no."
So he finally caught on.
"Yes, Carlisle. I have cancer, and it doesn't look like it's going away any time soon." I felt better after saying it out loud. That made it real, and therefore something I could fight.
"I'll book a flight leaving tonight. I'll make Edward see reason. Esme will want to see you, as will Alice. And Edward..."
"No" I cut him off, "I don't, you can't come back, not now. I just, things are bad now, but I'm starting toget back together. If he left again, I couldn't take it. I was stupid to call. "
"Bella, I'm having the money sent as we speak. I can keep this from Edward, but I need you to keep me updated."
"Thank-you Carlisle. I, just, thank-you." I smiled through my tears.
There was a silence which neither of us seemed to want to break.
"You can, I don't want to force you to keep secrets from Esme. You can tell her but she has to promise not to tell anyone, especially not Edward." It was important to be completely honest in relationships. I didn't want to be the cause of dishonestt in theirs.
"Okay Bella. Expect a phone call from her. I'm sorry-" he began.
"Please, don't apologise. This is the hand I've been given. Edward always was too good for me anyway."
I ended the phone call, and rested my back against the tree. I'm not sure how long I sat there, seconds, minutes, hours. Then the rain started, and so I slowly wandered back to my truck, taking comfort in the familiar sound of it rumbling towards my home.
Okay, so I'm not American, so I have no idea how much chemotherepy costs. I googled it. Don't ya just love google? I want this story to be as factual as possible so if I get anything wrong, please correct me. I learn a lot from reading stories online, whether that be Beetles lyrics, or the ins and outs of a divorce process, and I kinda want to story to teach about cancer, and to raise awareness of it. I'd appreciate any advice or critisism. And please review, it's nice to know someone is reading. Apologies for any mistakes, grammatically. Again feel free to point them out.
Dedicated to Lily C.
Cancer may have won the battle, but you won the war. I hope you're dancing with the angels.
Lauren.