Title: Maybe
Author: danjanshippyqueen
E-mail: danjanshippyqueen@hotmail.com
Rating: PG
Season: Between 5 and 6
Pairing: Dan/Jan
Summary: Janet's thoughts on Daniel's departure.
Author's Notes: Meridian just depresses me. There will quite possibly be
more of this, depending on feedback. I do have most of the other part, at
least in my head. And it's not all a monologue. I think, at least I hope,
that it's easy enough to guess what this fic is talking about, and if
anybody doesn't catch on, it'll be in the next part.
He's gone. He's been gone for months now and I still have no idea what I'm supposed to do. I feel awful for thinking it, but it would be easier of he'd died, I could mourn him and move on. But he didn't die. I'm not even sure what the hell happened. I'm so confused. My emotions keep changing, one minute I miss him so much it physically hurts and the next I hate him for leaving me. He promised he'd never do that, leave me I mean. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do, do I wait for him or do I move on without him? Not that it's going to be easy. I made my decision yesterday, although I don't think it was ever really a question, I couldn't do that. I wonder if I'd told him if it would have made a difference, the colonel said he choose to go, maybe if he'd known he would of choose to stay, with me, with us. I was going to tell him when he got back, I had it all planned, what I was going to say. I didn't exactly get a chance when he came back. I didn't want him to feel guilty. I came so close to telling him, after the scrub down. It was just the two of us, he asked if it was safe to touch me. I would have said yes even if it wasn't, all I wanted was for him to hold me. He said he was sorry. I wanted so much to tell him, to tell him so he'd have something to fight for. But I couldn't, I couldn't do that to him. I knew him too well, if I'd told him, he'd have felt guilty for dying, that sounds so stupid. I guess it is really, only Daniel could feel guilty for dying. I have to stop doing this, all the 'what ifs', 'but' and 'maybes'. I have to focus on the present. I have to tell them, I know I do. I'm duty bound to tell Hammond. I just can't bring myself to say the words. If I wait much longer I won't have to, they'll be able to see for themselves. Sam knows something's up, she hasn't said anything, but I saw the way she looked at me when I just had water the other night. I'm supposed to be strong, for them. They lost him too, they had they're team bond that nobody except them can understand. I'm so sick of hearing that. I don't think they know just how serious we were, we never talked about 'us' to them. They think we were just fooling around. Sam keeps coming to me for comfort. She's my friend and I want to be there for her but it's just so hard. Maybe they'll understand better when I tell them. Maybe it'll help us all, we'll all have something to hold on to.
He's gone. He's been gone for months now and I still have no idea what I'm supposed to do. I feel awful for thinking it, but it would be easier of he'd died, I could mourn him and move on. But he didn't die. I'm not even sure what the hell happened. I'm so confused. My emotions keep changing, one minute I miss him so much it physically hurts and the next I hate him for leaving me. He promised he'd never do that, leave me I mean. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do, do I wait for him or do I move on without him? Not that it's going to be easy. I made my decision yesterday, although I don't think it was ever really a question, I couldn't do that. I wonder if I'd told him if it would have made a difference, the colonel said he choose to go, maybe if he'd known he would of choose to stay, with me, with us. I was going to tell him when he got back, I had it all planned, what I was going to say. I didn't exactly get a chance when he came back. I didn't want him to feel guilty. I came so close to telling him, after the scrub down. It was just the two of us, he asked if it was safe to touch me. I would have said yes even if it wasn't, all I wanted was for him to hold me. He said he was sorry. I wanted so much to tell him, to tell him so he'd have something to fight for. But I couldn't, I couldn't do that to him. I knew him too well, if I'd told him, he'd have felt guilty for dying, that sounds so stupid. I guess it is really, only Daniel could feel guilty for dying. I have to stop doing this, all the 'what ifs', 'but' and 'maybes'. I have to focus on the present. I have to tell them, I know I do. I'm duty bound to tell Hammond. I just can't bring myself to say the words. If I wait much longer I won't have to, they'll be able to see for themselves. Sam knows something's up, she hasn't said anything, but I saw the way she looked at me when I just had water the other night. I'm supposed to be strong, for them. They lost him too, they had they're team bond that nobody except them can understand. I'm so sick of hearing that. I don't think they know just how serious we were, we never talked about 'us' to them. They think we were just fooling around. Sam keeps coming to me for comfort. She's my friend and I want to be there for her but it's just so hard. Maybe they'll understand better when I tell them. Maybe it'll help us all, we'll all have something to hold on to.