Title: Always knock first
Fandom: Gintama
Characters/Pairings: Hijikata Toushiro, Kagura, Kondo Isao, Okita Sougo, Sakata Gintoki, Sarutobi Sacchan Ayame; Okikagu, plus hints of some other pairings, if you want;
Word count: 2,306
Rating: T
Warnings: 'adult situation', I guess;
Disclaimer: "Gintama" is not mine, although the writing certainly is.
A/N: this silly idea appeared in my mind and I decided to give it a try. In this story Kagura is a bit older.
Reviews are greatly appreciated, as always.
Hijikata Toushiro valued privacy. He always respected other people's choice to have secrets. He himself had quite a few. In his life, he followed a certain set of rules, and one of them was about knocking before entering a room. It was one of the rules that made life easier. This time, however, the vice-commander simply forgot to knock. It could happen to everyone, right? Sadly for Hijikata, this one time he forgot to knock before entering Okita Sougo's room, and he saw something that changed his beliefs, at least a little.
Later that day, Hijikata thought that even catching Sougo torturing someone (that annoying Amanto prince who often had outrageous requests, for instance) wouldn't be that bad. That could happen, no big deal, everybody had a hobby. But no, he had to walk on this, and 'this' meant not fully clothed Captain of the First Division, kissing in a way that should be illegal a Yato girl working at Yorozuya who, to Hijikata's horror, was wearing nothing else except her pink underwear.
In this moment, the vice-commander was sure he had a heart attack. He had suspected these two were more than enemies/friends, but he never expected his suspicions to be confirmed like this. He took a step back, and the wooden floor under his foot creaked, as if waiting for this moment its whole life.
Running away wasn't the best thing to do, but then what else the poor man in a state of shock could do.
"HIIJIIKAAATAAA!" Sougo's angry voice echoed in the air.
"Toshi," the vice-commander stopped abruptly stared at Kondo, who seemed to appear out of nowhere. "You look so pale, what happened? Don't tell me we have a ghost again!"
For the first time in his life, Hijikata Toushiro thought seeing a ghost would actually make him happy. He opened and closed his lips, unable to make any sound than a faint 'eeekkk'. Kondo raised his eyebrows, looking at his subordinate with genuine concern.
"Hijikata is a pervert and he should be removed from his position immediately."
Okita gave him an angry look. He was wearing a bathrobe, his hair was a mess. Hijikata flinched when also Kagura joined them, and looked at him accusingly. She, on the other hand, was wearing her usual dress. How it was even possible to put it on so quickly..?
"No, Toshi's not a pervert," Kondo laughed. "He seems a bit cold, actually. I've never seen him..."
"Enough!" interrupted Hijikata. He pointed at Okita. "How long have you been corrupting this innocent girl?"
"Innocent?" Kagura giggled, soon followed by Sougo.
Hijikata's face flushed red.
"What this is all about?" asked the commander.
"Invading my privacy," replied Okita with an evil grin. "Perhaps spying on me, going through my stuff. Who knows what perversions he hides inside his sick mind. I demand instant beheading."
"I agree, uh-huh."
"You and your jokes…" Kondo smiled.
"Kondo-san, they are not joking..." muttered Hijikata.
"Toshi, just remember the basic rule. Always knock first," the commander patted him on the shoulder. "We all good? Great. I need to go."
"What? That's it?" Hijikata frowned. "That's all you have to say?"
"Just remember about knocking..."
"What? No! The real problem is..." began the vice-commander, but unfortunately for him, the others were no longer listening. Kondo walked away, although 'danced away, whistling a happy tune' would be a more appropriate description. He had high hopes about this afternoon; he was almost sure he won't end up beaten by the Snack Smile's number one girl.
Hijikata stared at the commander, speechless, then looked at Okita and Kagura who smiled like devils and turned around to walk away.
"He really is a pervert, that Mayoman" he heard Kagura's not so subtle whispering accompanied by Sougo's laughter.
Hijikata twitched nervously, feeling anger boiling inside him. He didn't have a wife and kids, so why all of the sudden he felt like a father tired of life? Educating Sougo and his Yato girlfriend wasn't his job. If only Mitsuba was still alive. She would know what to do, and her brother would surely listen to her advice. Sometimes life was painfully unfair.
There's no other option, he thought. I have to go and talk with Yorozuya.
Easier said than done. Half an hour later, he began to wonder if it was the best possible solution.
He let out a sigh as he waited in front of the Yorozuya Gin-chan's entrance, wondering if anyone's home. After another five wasted minutes, he knocked again, impatient. There was no response. Hijikata cursed and grabbed the doorknob. He slid the door open and stepped inside. He wouldn't be surprised to see the place empty; not locking the front door was something that idiotic perm head would do.
For a moment Hijikata thought the place really was empty, but then he heard a voice. It didn't belong to the silver-haired samurai; it was a woman's voice and the vice-commander thought he had heard it before. When he walked into the living room, he saw a rather unusual view.
Gintoki was sitting on one of the couches, finishing eating a piece of a strawberry cake. Judging by a small pile of dirty plates and empty boxes with the logo of the local confectionery on the table, his sugar levels must have gone through the roof.
By his side sat Sarutobi Ayame; Hijikata vaguely remembered meeting her some time earlier. She was dressed as a nurse. Her outfit was pink (too pink) and short (too short). She gazed at Gintoki with admiration, but as soon as she noticed Hijikata, her eyes changed. The vice-commander was pretty sure he would be dead within seconds if looks could kill.
"Well well. Look what the cat dragged in." Gintoki swallowed the last piece of cake, and his dead-fish eyes looked at Hijikata suspiciously.
"We need to talk," announced the vice-commander. Not waiting for a response, he sat down on the other couch. He glanced at Sacchan. "Could you leave us? It's important."
"This is also important!" she said boldly and adjusted her glasses. "I'm helping him. Gin-san has to recover from a great tragedy."
"What tragedy?" asked Hijikata, utterly confused.
"You don't read Shonen Jump, how would you know?!" barked Gintoki.
"You cold-hearted bastard!" added Sacchan, hostile.
"Obviously, you don't know what is now happening in Naruto. And don't get me even started on Bleach!"
Hijikata took a deep breath. No, it wasn't possible to talk to this guy seriously. He was the one who needed a talk with an adult, not the Yato girl or Sougo.
"Anyway..." said the vice-commander, trying to ignore Gintoki's offended stare. "I need to talk to you. It's important."
"What now? Shinsengumi's having problems? Why would I care?" asked the silver-haired samurai in a mocking tone.
"No, Shinsengumi's not having any problems," replied Hijikata coldly. He gritted his teeth, counted to five, and then continued. "It's about the girl who lives here. Kagura."
Gintoki raised an eyebrow, switching from mockery to slight attention.
"What did she do this time? I told her if she breaks something, she has to pay from her own money."
"She didn't break anything... I hope..." muttered Hijikata, blushing slightly.
He didn't know how to express his concerns properly; after all, he was called a pervert not once, but twice today. His reputation was already ruined. Gintoki stared at him, awaiting for an explanation. Even Sarutobi seemed curious.
"Okay, so you sit here and think what you want to say," spoke Gintoki after four minutes of silence. "I'll get you something, so you won't later complain that I don't take care of guests in my house."
Gintoki went to the kitchen, and Hijikata tried to look anywhere but at Sacchan who was sending him a very clear message, something like "Get out. Get out or I swear I'm going to kill you, you sonova-"
"Here in Yorozuya, we don't have that poisonous substance you call mayonnaise," said Gintoki returning to the room, carrying a bowl in his hands. "But I got you something similar."
He put a bowl full of dog food on the table, in front of the vice-commander.
"Bon appetite," added Gintoki with a smirk, and returned to his seat.
Hijikata lowered his head, hair cowered his face. He counted, this time to ten, slowly, very slowly. You didn't come here to kill, you came here to talk... His clenched into fists hands trembled almost unnoticeably.
"Gin-san, say something more in French..!" Sarutobi breathed, her eyes sparkling.
"What..?" he looked at her, confused. "In French?"
"Yes!"
"Uh... Murcielago?"
"No, it's Spanish."
"Hell, I don't know any French words!" he tried to push her away, annoyed by her expectant gaze. "There's no French in Bleach!"
Sacchan pouted.
"Coming back to the topic..." they both looked back at Hijikata who seemed very tired and angry in the same time. The vein on his forehead was pulsing. He pushed the bowl away without looking at it.
"What's going on with Kagura?" asked Sacchan. "She got into trouble?"
"You could say so..." Hijikata cleared his throat. "It's... It's a rather delicate matter..."
"Oh for frick's sake, are you going to stutter like this for the whole day?" Gintoki snapped. "I don't have time for your whining, I haven't read the latest chapter of Toriko yet."
"Tell us and leave" Sacchan whispered ominously, and Hijikata could swore there was a dark aura around her, and hell fires in her eyes.
"Sougo and Kagura are a couple," he began, feeling a brightly red blush spreading up from his chest to his face.
"Yeah, and?" Gintoki didn't even blink. This fact was a common knowledge. Nobody knew how the hell this happened, but they were dating for over three months now. It seemed that the old saying 'There's a thin line between love and hate' was true after all.
"They are doing more than holding hands..." said Hijikata in a tone 'I hope you can read my mind and understand what I want to say'.
He really wasn't good at this. Talking, expressing feelings, all this emotional crap - he was very much aware it wasn't for him. He couldn't help that ridiculous blush on his face, although he knew he wasn't the one who should be blushing.
"You mean they're having sex?" inquired Sarutobi.
"?! !" was all Hjikata could say.
"Oh, please, don't be such a prude!" she rolled her eyes. "Nowadays kids develop faster, so it's only natural that Kagura found a boyfriend. She's already seventeen."
"They are too young!" he growled. "And irresponsible, and..."
"And you are too old to blush like a schoolgirl!" interrupted Sacchan. "No wonder you're so uptight about this, there's UST written all over your face..."
"Excuse me?!" the vein on his forehead was pulsating with rage.
"Just so you know, it stands for Unresolved Sexual Tension," she said with a smug smile. "All I'm saying is that you should stop worrying about these kids and spend some time with a lady. Or two ladies. Or a guy. I don't care about your preferences, you can do whatever and whoever you want..."
Gintoki listened to this conversation, observing in silence. It provided a good source of amusement. However, seeing the vice-commander in a state very close to a rage attack, he had to act quickly to avoid a bloodbath.
"Oi, stalker, go get me more strawberry milk" he said, pushing her off the couch.
"Y-Yes, I'll be right back!" she walked away, a bit confused but happy she could be useful.
"Okay, listen to me" Gintoki looked at Hijikata, hoping the vein on the vice-commander's forehead won't burst open. "No matter how mad you are about this whole situation, there isn't much you can do. Don't be an asshole and don't say they can't see each other, because it will make everything worse. You wanna talk with them? Fine. Just don't treat them like kids, because they aren't, not anymore."
"So you... you approve of this?!"
"As I said, what can you do?" Gintoki shrugged. "Kagura's not stupid, she wouldn't let that little Shinsengumi sadist hurt her."
"How can you be so... casual about it?!" Hijikata stared at him in disbelief.
"You're making a fuss about two kids having fun. What's the big deal?"
"Fun? What about the consequences? Have you thought about that, huh?"
"Kagura is not stupid" repeated Gintoki. "And I trust her. From what I know, she had a serious talk with Otae some time ago."
"With Tae?!" gasped Sacchan, almost dropping a glass of strawberry milk on the floor.
Gintoki angrily took his drink from her, careful not to spill a single drop.
"You want Kagura to become a gorilla?! I could talk with her and explain her everything. I'm good at explaining!"
Gintoki snorted. "Sure, you are..."
"What did Tae say to her ?" asked Sacchan, irritated. "I bet she didn't tell her the most important thing! It's all about embracing your womanhood and..."
"No, no, you need to stop" Hijikata moaned painfully. He could already feel a massive headache approaching.
"You don't have anything else to say? Great! So you can go now, right?" Gintoki insisted, giving him a piercing look. "I'm still recovering. And Toriko's waiting."
"I'm afraid this pointless meeting is over..." grunted Hijikata, standing up.
"Walk yourself out," said Sacchan in a quiet and seemingly peaceful voice that also contained a subtle promise that if he won't leave this place in less than twenty seconds, she will be more than happy to help him, and it won't end good for him.
When he walked outside Yorozuya Gin-chan, Hijikata wondered if perhaps he should rethink some matters, like kids who grow up so quickly one can't even notice. He was sure that from now on 'always knock first' was a rule he would never forget.