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B l a c k

T e a r s

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I had made a lot of mistakes in my life.

Falling in love with Rosemarie Hathaway was not one of them.

As I stood up here on the vacant, damp rooftop motionlessly, I thought about everything that occurred in the past few months of my life. My thoughts use to be focused strictly on my Moroi, my job, my dedication, and keeping them safe from our enemy: Strigoi. After meeting Rose, all my thoughts were twisted around her with everything she did. I thought of it as maybe punishment, my own personal hell for letting Ivan die. Though it wasn't on my watch, the guilt that churned inside of me proved it was still my fault. But as time continued I learned Rose was not sent as punishment, only as a gift.

I use to be so focused, never had one slip up as a guardian. I knew and did not doubt they come first, the Moroi was more important than my desires. Never had I questioned a Moroi's safety—a royal emphatically—until I met her. From that first second we locked eyes, I slipped, mesmerized by the rich shade of liquid brown her eyes were then impressed by the determination in them. I had never witnessed such commitment from someone as young as her or bravery.

That was mistake number one: letting myself get interested.

I was curious, so for the first time in very long, without thinking I moved away from Lissa—the princess that needed to be guarded even if we were on a plane. It was still night time and as a guardian it was drilled into our minds that the night was dangerous, you had to keep sight on your Moroi closely during those hours. Well I didn't. I was stupidly intrigued why Rose was so dedicated and brave enough to try and attack me, not even knowing what I was capable of. So I asked, getting the simple almost bored answer of "because I'm her guardian".

It surprised me. At the time, I knew she was a novice, technically not a guardian, but if I didn't know better, I would have believed Rose by the fierceness in her tone. After that when we took them to the Headmistress' office, I watched with fascination I wasn't supposed to be feeling and even amusement as Rose challenged Ms. Kirova's judgment on doing her duty of protecting Lissa. Her defensive and reckless actions definitely humored me. I wasn't supposed to be even listening to their conversation. I should have been silent against the walls with Alberta, seen not heard, but even barely knowing her, Rose brought out my hidden emotions.

I made mistake number two: letting myself care

I got myself into the situation of being Rose's mentor. It was almost fate how Ms. Kirova questioned if I would be the one to give the extra lessons Rose required. I was going to decline that immediately until I looked at Rose and saw deep into her eyes for the second time that night. Looking at her, I didn't see a selfish, wild, and disrespectful girl that others seem to see. I saw the real Rose: a young girl that only had the best intentions of wanting to protect her best friend, her Moroi just like every other strong, committed guardian out there. I understood her, brought alive the connection we shared seeing she would stop at nothing to keep Lissa safe. I understood that, because that was who I was.

It all built there, getting to know Rose and sensing the good inside of her that a lot of others missed. At first, she wanted to be free of her duties for just a little while, as we all did, and be a teenager. I thought she deserved more than that. She was only 17. Rose shouldn't have to be worrying about a sick, middle aged man coming after her and her best friend so he could use them as projects for his own twisted plans or her best friend losing her sanity because she didn't specialize normally or a darkness swelling inside of her that would make her lose who she is or her friend being killed on her watch. Rose didn't deserve any of those things.

I did.

It was so wrong having these feelings for her. I was 24 years old, she was only 18 now but when those things happened between us she was 17, a minor. It was wrong and disgusting in many ways, the thoughts and dreams I would have about her. Rose, so beautiful, strong, and good, deserved someone much better than me. Yet, I was who she wanted. I didn't understand it then, sometimes I still don't, but she loved me just as much as I did her.

And there was mistake number three: allowing her to fall for me.

Rose had her whole life ready for her, to be one of the best guardians out there, to graduate, to maybe one day have a family. A life. Something I had taken away from her. Because of me Lissa was nearly tortured to death by Victor Dashkov when we were trapped under his lust spell. If those feelings I had weren't returned, we wouldn't have been distracted.

Then there was now, Rose leaving school to hunt after me, leaving everything behind her because of me. If I never got interested, cared, or let her fall with me in love, she would still be preparing to graduate, still be by Lissa's side faithfully in her job, and wouldn't be broken like I was. I thought about her scream, the most painful sound that ever touched my ears that still made my dead heart ache. Thinking about it brought inevitable tears inside of me that I could not shed. I remember lying there when the Strigoi broke the skin of my neck with his venomous fangs, draining every drop of blood from my body. The only thing I thought about was Rose.

It didn't matter I was dying, losing my soul, turning into the cold blooded creature I loathed with everything inside of me. No, I could only think of her like I was now.

The first time I looked into those warm chocolate brown eyes.

The first time we practiced together.

The first time we kissed.

The last time I looked into those eyes.

The last time we practiced together.

The last time we kissed.

It was agonizing, but I didn't mean the pain of the Strigoi's bite. Thinking about every time I heard her voice, when she made me laugh, when she smiled at me, when I touched her, all the things that brought this mixed of pain and pleasure only Rose Hathaway could give me. And then I heard her scream. I knew she had seen it. It was the most disgusting thought knowing the last time she would see me as a dhampir I would be having my blood sucked out by a Strigoi. So I closed my eyes. I didn't want to see her face, see her eyes and realize I might never see her again. I focused on what happened in the cabin, when we kissed and the electric sensation it pulsed through my veins, when she would smile how it made my stomach flip like a child with a crush.

But the last thought I had before my last drop of dhampir blood was drained, was me holding her in my arms for those few minutes. I could still feel the warmth of her body radiating against me, how whole she made me feel, listening to her even breathing and the smooth rhythm of her heart. I saved that memory inside of me, tucked away for all of my immortal life. I could still hear her voice like the sweetest melody in my ears. "Hey Comrade," Ugh, how I longed to hear her call me that again.

It just wasn't fair to her. Now, she would always be scarred inside. Her first love, as I assumed, was turned into a Strigoi. I didn't want to think about her, but she was all that was on my mind. Yes, I was in the cold, dead skin of a Strigoi, but my mind still worked as a dhampir as did my frozen heart and emotions. I still loved her with everything I had, missed her and the life that was gone. I took it for granted for so long.

You'll lose what you value most. How true that was. Rhonda had seen me losing my soul, but no matter how accurate that was, my Roza will always be my most valued and loved possession I had. I did take her for granted for a while, letting her get hurt by my actions with Tasha and making her believe I didn't care. She didn't see how much I cared. It was far too much for me to care for a girl so much younger than me. 7 years. Yet no one could understand me better than Rose could. We saw things in each other no one else would ever see, understood our dedication to our Moroi. Though it was selfish, I never wanted Rose to find someone that understood her like I did. Of course I wanted her to be happy after my death. I wanted her to find someone who could love her just a fraction of as much as I did. Adrian would be good for her, even if I never wanted to let her go, that's the way things were going to fall.

I comprehended how Rose felt about Tasha now. The pain of jealousy, but she wanted me to be with her because we could have a family together, something I could never give Rose. But Adrian could. It was a fair trade—somewhat. I could understand Rose in ways Adrian never would as guardians and Adrian could give her children.

I sighed as the rain gushed down harder from the gray, bleak clouds above me. I could barely feel the cold drops against my cool skin. It was almost refreshing. Staring out at the city below me, people buzzing around—innocent humans—with their umbrellas or safe in their cars. They would never understand how fortunate they were. Never would they experience the pain our kind did, the pain I was enduring every second of this life.

I turned my head slightly, watching as rain drops smacked against the already soggy concrete of the roof I was positioned on. Then I stared to the sky, letting the rain drops splatter against my face. Yes, almost refreshing. But I watched each little drop fall like a tear, the tears I could not let out that were inside of me. I hadn't cried in years, yet I never wanted to as bad as now. I wished there was some way to go back before I let her fall in love with me. Then Rose would be safe, happy, unscarred.

But fate has a way of playing things out. I knew inside of me, no matter how I would have rearranged things, Rose and I would have fallen in love anyway. It was effortless; falling. Just one wrong step and you were down, inevitably.

I shook my head at those thoughts, they were right and I didn't want to hear them. My gaze shifted back to the ground below me, the wet, busy streets and the breath I pointlessly took was snatched away seeing what I was watching. Beautiful brown hair I would know anywhere moving through the streets.

For the first time as a Strigoi, I smiled. She was coming and I was waiting.

Just wrote this in like 10 minutes while thinking about the rain. Only 23 more days until Blood Promise!! Am I the only one excited beyond sanity?! Ok, I don't want to think about Rose killing Dimka, but I wanted to write about how he might feel about everything. I could inspiration from this from the amazing oneshot by Feefella called Anthem Of Our Dying Day. If you haven't read it and her other stories, I suggest you do. She is amazing, especially at Dimitri's P.O.V.

Thanks so much for actually reading this. I hoped you liked. =) Tell me whatcha think!