Glimpses of Fear by Luvscharlie
Warnings: Time jumps, Spoilers through Season 5
A/N: Originally written for Week 12 at the fandom_fridays community on Live Journal where the prompt was "I am my father's daughter. I am not afraid of anything."—Queen Elizabeth I
Mary
I am my father's daughter. I am not afraid of anything. Or that's what I tell myself over and over again. It's hard to be all that afraid of anything when you've seen the worst of the worst. Or at least you hope you have. Tough girl, that's me all right.
That's the statement I used to live by when the only person I had to look out for was myself. Dad could certainly look out for himself and our family; I needed only to worry about me.
Only now that I have John and the boys, I find that fear creeps in more often than I would like to admit. John didn't grow up as I did. He doesn't know how much there truly is out there to be afraid of, and he doesn't know what I've done… it was for him… all for him… or maybe I lie to myself. Maybe it was just as much for me because I couldn't bear to be without him. My parents gone, John dead before me—I could face a lot of things, but being alone was the scariest of them all… or so I thought.
Now, my biggest fear is that one of my children will grow up to follow in my footsteps and pick up where I left off. I left demon hunting behind to be with John. I wanted normalcy, and I want normalcy for my boys. That's what I'm most afraid of: that one of my boys will regenerate the family business.
…a generation later…
Dean:
I am my father's son. I am not afraid of anything. Except that the one thing I've been doing my entire life will be the one thing that in the end I fail at. Sam is mine to protect; always has been, always will be. Dad entrusted him to me. It was always my job to look out for Sammy, and I took that job seriously. I still do. He's the reason I made the deal in the first place. The one that took me to hell and gave him back his life.
And now I'm back, and I've reclaimed my old post as my brother's protector.
But what if I can't save him? I fired the Colt right into Lucifer's head… the Colt can kill anything… and yet nothing changed. It doesn't work on the Devil; and I feel powerless to defeat him. The seals are broken, the Horsemen are riding and I don't know how to make any of this stop. I am lost. The world is coming to an end, and all we've managed to do so far is watch it crumble around us.
My biggest fear is that I will be faced with Dad's prediction, that it will come down to killing my brother, and I'll fail my father, the one man whose approval meant everything to me. Because that's the one thing I will never do. If it comes down to killing Sammy, then as far as I'm concerned, the world can just end. It would end for me the moment Sam took his last breath anyway. Selfish, huh? That I'd sacrifice all those people to save my brother? It is what it is. I never claimed I was perfect.
So every waking moment I spend wondering if we can really do it. Taking out Lucifer's the only way to stop the apocalypse, and I fear we're far too insignificant to matter in this war we're waging. But sacrificing Sam will never be an option because the one thing I fear more than anything else is being in this world without him… again.
Jo:
I am my father's daughter. I am not afraid of anything. I don't remember my father all that much. There are vague, fuzzy pictures in my head, but I became a Hunter because it was the one thing we could share… even if he wouldn't be there to see me walk in his footsteps. Of course, the fact that it drove Mom insane was a bonus. At least it was back then. Nothing like being a young woman fighting so hard to be anything as long as it was nothing like your mother, right? It's a rite of passage, I guess, for most of us.
But lately, I think maybe I'm more my mother's daughter; that turning out like her would be the best possible outcome for me. I mean, seriously, who ever thought I'd come to that realization? Certainly not me, that's for sure.
Sure, she was dead set against me hunting, but even Mom knows when to admit defeat. Arguing with a hard-headed Harvelle is about as productive as arguing with a brick wall. And poor Mama, she's done her share of arguing: with Dad first, and me later. Poor thing finally just gave up, and conceded to the "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" philosophy. After all, she said, someone had to be out there watching my back if I was going to be fool enough to set out after monsters.
But just because she gave in to my hard-headedness, doesn't mean Ellen Harvelle's weak. Far from it. My mom, she's as tough as they come. Funny, isn't it? I've grown up around big, tough Hunters all my life, and I've never seen a one of them brave enough to cross Mama when she really gets her back up and puts her foot down. Of course, that might have a lot to do with the fact that Hunters are brave, they're not stupid.
But things are getting tougher out there. It's not like it was when Dad was hunting. I never imagined I would begin to think of demons with levels of badness, but I have. End Times are upon us, and my biggest fear is not that we'll lose. I think most of us believe we will, but we'll fight the good fight and give it all we've got. My biggest fear is that I'll be there when it all goes bad, and I'll be forced to watch my mama die. And if she dies, all that I have left in this world dies with her. It's been just me and her for so long that being alone is far more terrifying than walking right up to Lucifer and spitting in his eye. And, you know, I'm not even sure Lucifer's brave enough to cross my mama when she's pissed off. Maybe she holds the key to ending it after all. Daddy always said Mama was Heaven bound because a pissed off Harvelle woman would take over Hell and boot the Devil right out on his ass. I should probably share Daddy's theory with Bobby and see what he thinks. I think Daddy just might have something there.
Sam:
I am my father's son. I am not afraid of anything. Except that I'm no longer sure who my father is. Maybe it's Lucifer. Maybe the demon blood that courses through my veins trumps any bit of John Winchester that ever lived within me. The good guys don't always win, and I'm not sure anymore which I even am. Maybe my white hat's nothing more than a fake and I belong to the other side, just like Dad always feared, even if he never said those words to me.
It all hinges on me. So many lives, so much death, such little promise for any sort of future… and I fear that I'm not strong enough to shoulder that burden and save the world.
I was never the one made of the strong stuff. That was Dad, and after him, Dean. I was the college boy, meant for books and higher learning… and yet, here I am, deathly afraid that my weakness will be the end of it for all of us.
Castiel:
I am my Father's son. I am not afraid of anything. That statement was once true. But now the Seals are broken, my brothers are dying and Lucifer walks among us. If there was ever a time to be afraid, God knows it is now.