A/N: Captain America 2 is coming out soon and as a Clintasha fan, I'm sure I won't like the outcome. *sigh* Consider this story me putting my fingers in my ears and yelling really loudly to Marvel, "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" :D
Five chapters, mostly complete. Will post each chapter when I've edited it to death. Hope you enjoy.
It had started out innocently enough, Maria Hill thought. They were just two people who had been through a hellish and unearthly experience, trying to find comfort in friendship. So how had she ended up on the threshold of her apartment, expectantly anticipating the feel of Steve Rogers' lips as he slowly lowered his face toward hers?
Two months earlier
"Agent Hill," Maria stopped mid-stride in the SHIELD corridor and turned to see who had called after her.
She was surprised to see Steve Rogers walking briskly her way. When he stopped just two feet from her she quirked an eyebrow.
"What can I do for you, Captain?" She asked.
"Commander Fury said to report to you and let you know I'm ready to return to active duty," he said, his voice formal, commanding the respect she had watched him earn during the Manhattan Incident, as it was being called.
"You're back early from your leave," she told him, wondering why he'd returned even before Clint Barton and Natasha Romanoff, who had been with SHIELD far longer than the Captain had been revived.
At her comment, he bowed his head sheepishly and shoved his hands into his pockets, causing her to remember that he was much younger, at least in his mind, than most around him suspected.
"Yeah, about that," he started, but Maria stiffened. She didn't want to hear a personal story about why he had returned. She wasn't Rogers' biggest fan after the way he'd treated Phil. And she hadn't risen through the ranks of SHIELD by acting as the staff psychologist.
She noticed the man falter in his composure for a moment as he picked up on her discomfort. Somewhere in the back of her mind she knew that a normal woman would have felt some level of guilt for having no desire to listen to someone's obviously serious troubles, but Maria had worked hard to not be a normal woman.
So when Rogers simply stated, "I really had nowhere else to go," Maria felt herself relax back to her usual level of high stress.
"I'll look for an assignment for you, Captain," she told him. "If that's what you'd like."
He shrugged noncommittally and Maria fought back the urge to roll her eyes. This was a military operation, not a day care. She didn't have time to kiss all the boo boos.
She turned her back to him to suggest he was dismissed and to continue to the control room where she'd been headed before Captain Rogers had caught her, when she heard him make an unusual request.
"I was wondering if we could maybe have dinner tonight."
Maria froze. Every nerve ending suddenly set on edge. She half expected to turn around and find he'd been talking to someone else. But when she did, she saw no one else near them.
"Why?" She asked without thinking. No one had uttered that phrase, in that tone of voice, to her in many years. For the first time in a very long time, Maria found herself caught off guard.
He pushed his toe against the floor and stared at it before he finally looked back up and answered.
"I'd just like to talk to you because," he paused a moment and Maria truly hoped this wasn't about to get soft and romantic. She had no time for such nonsense. The entire world had almost come to an end thanks to some not-so-mythological demi-god and a tribe of intergalactic warriors, she couldn't be supping over candle light and roses.
Rogers took a deep breath before he continued.
"Because you knew Agent Coulson," he finished in a rushed manner that surprised her.
A sudden tightness gripped Maria's chest and she had to swallow hard before her emotions pushed past the barriers she held before the world.
"I just," the Captain started but he stammered. "I should've."
Before she knew what she was doing, Maria reached out a hand and gently touched the super soldier on the arm.
"It's OK," she said softly. "I would love to tell you about Phil."
A look of relief came across Captain Rogers' face, along with a smile.
"Great," he said. "I'll pick you up at 8?"
"That would be good," she replied, then watched as he walked away with more of a spring to his step than he'd had earlier.
Maria turned to get back to work when she froze for the third time in the same spot.
'What have I just done?' She thought, and panic rose to her throat.
A quiet voice that she hadn't heard in years whispered in her head, 'I think you just kind of accepted a date with Captain America.'
And then, Maria was certain, she heard the voice laugh at her.
At 7:55 Maria looked herself over in the mirror. She had made sure to dress as professionally as possible without looking like she was going to work. She didn't want anyone, especially Captain Rogers, getting the wrong idea. She buttoned her black blazer over the front of her plain, white blouse, then turned to check the back of her skirt for any signs of her slip. Maria had debated for half an hour over whether she was going to wear a skirt or pants. Finally she chose a skirt based solely on a memory of Coulson from almost a decade earlier.
Her mentor smiled a sad smile when they stopped at Maria's car. The funeral had ended nearly 30 minutes prior and Maria and Phil were the only two who had remained, only walking away from the graveside now because the cemetery workers had come to lower the casket into the ground. In the background now, they heard the sound of dirt hitting wood and Maria found herself uneasy with the emotion she saw flash across Coulson's face. She'd always thought of him as unflappable, though she'd only been working with him for a year and she had never seen him after a serious loss.
"He really was an amazing man," he said, and Maria listened silently.
Phill was her handler and her mentor and she had been told by Fury when she had come into SHIELD that she would do well to learn everything she could from the man. Listening to him had become second nature.
"He taught me everything I know about being an agent," Coulson said, and Maria wondered, not for the first time, why he hadn't given the eulogy.
"Cancer," Coulson practically spit the word. "All the times he faced down death at the hands of an enemy, and cancer takes him. The doctors couldn't even do anything. It just seems so wrong."
They returned to silence and stood, listening to the dirt sounds getting lighter and lighter as the hole was filled.
Finally, Phil turned to her and said, "I'm glad you wore a skirt."
The surprise she felt at his statement must have shown on her face because he laughed slightly.
"It made it feel less like work," he explained, and Maria nodded, as if she understood. Then she watched him turn and walk away.
Maria hadn't understood then. She didn't get that he wasn't saying, as most men did then, and might now if she'd wear skirts, that she had nice legs. He was telling her it made it feel more human, less like SHIELD.
She looked at herself suddenly, shocked by the moisture she felt and saw in her eyes. Grabbing up a tissue from the box she kept on her nightstand she daubed her eyes, taking care not to smudge her make-up.
'This is a huge mistake,' she thought to herself as she shook her head. 'I never should have agreed to go out with Rogers and talk about Phil.'
What was she going to say? 'He was a nice man?' And suddenly Maria's throat constricted with all the emotion she had suppressed since Hawkeye, her friend since she'd joined SHIELD, had pointed a gun at her with the intent to kill. Sinking to her knees she leaned on the bed and held her head in her hands as her body released all the feelings she'd tried to deny.
When there was a knock at her door a few minutes later she tried to pull herself together but one look in the mirror told her it was pointless. She went to the door and talked through it to Steve.
"I can't go out with you tonight," she said.
"Maria, is everything OK?" his voice resonated with concern which only encouraged Maria's long repressed emotions.
"I just," she tried to think of a non-emotional excuse that would turn him away without being rude, but her mind was too filled with turmoil to think clearly.
'This is why I stuff all this,' she thought, and cursed herself for allowing any weakness, even in private.
"Will you let me in?" his voice was soft and made her heart want to trust. It had been a long time since she'd trusted.
Then, without thinking, just like earlier in the corridor, Maria opened the door for him.
She wiped her nose with her tissue as she closed the door behind him.
He stared at her, though not impolitely.
"I'm sorry. This is very unprofessional," she said as she waved to indicate her face which she knew was a mess from her tears.
"We're not at work," was all he said, but it was enough to swell the emotions again.
She walked toward the kitchenette and offered him a drink to give herself something to do besides break down like a child. She had always had a disdain for emotions, long before she joined SHIELD. She'd watched her mother drown in them, chasing after every man who lied to her about love, and ultimately finding more comfort in the bottle and taking out her anger and frustration on her daughter. Maria had promised herself that she'd never be like that, and she had succeeded, until tonight.
She handed a bottle of beer to Captain Rogers and offered him a seat at her small table. The little piece of wood between them gave her a sense of protection she didn't think she'd have sitting next to him on her couch. Maria didn't entertain much. On the rare occasions she had people over, it was usually just for an hour or two and usually just one or two people. Like most people who opted to live in NYC, where space was at a premium, her 400 sq ft apartment wasn't as spread out as a person with as thick emotional walls as she would like.
They sat in silence as they drank and Maria worked to regain control of her emotions.
Finally, Rogers broke the silence.
"How long did you know Agent Coulson?" he asked.
It seemed so cold to hear someone call Phil that now, though it never bothered her before tonight. Before, it had provided her with a sense of detachment. But hearing it from Captain America, whom Phil had idolized his entire life, was wrong, and Maria felt that he'd want her to rectify it.
"Call him Phil," she said. "He would have liked that from you."
A flash of guilt shot across her guest's face and he did not try to hide it.
"He wanted me to sign his trading cards," Steve said quietly.
Maria nodded.
"He told me about you when I was just a rookie," she told him, smiling softly at the memory.
"Yeah?" Rogers asked, encouraging her to say more. She knew enough about him, everything Phil knew, and her own experiences now as well, to know he wasn't looking for an ego stroke like most people.
Nodding she told him, "I made the mistake of asking him why he'd signed on with SHIELD."
She laughed slightly as she recalled the look of reverence on Phil's face as she told her all about the exploits of his childhood hero.
"He joined SHIELD because of me?"
Maria looked up and saw that that the effect of her inference on Steve was not what she'd expected. She hadn't expected him to be prideful about it, but she certainly hadn't expected his look of guilt to become even more pronounced.
She groaned inwardly, current emotional outburst aside, she was no good at comforting others. She never knew the right words. She wondered now if anyone at SHIELD did.
She decided to keep it professional and hoped it helped, and didn't sound like a canned statement from the Council.
"He didn't regret it," she told him, hoping the conviction in her voice helped him believe her.
"How do you know?" Steve replied, a slight challenge in his voice in return.
"Because I knew Phil," she said, slightly offended that anyone would doubt that her mentor's last breath would not have been taken in pride at the service he'd rendered not just to his country and friends but, in Maria's opinion, the world.
"He believed in what he was doing," she went on, her voice taking on more of a tone of pride the longer she spoke. "He might not always agree with the Council, or even Fury, he might have gone against a few orders in his time, but he believed that everything SHIELD did would help make our country stronger, and the world safer."
When she finished she sat up straighter in her chair and held up her chin. Her out of control emotions pushed back out of view as she thought of how much SHIELD meant to Phil.
Looking across at Steve again she saw the guilt had mostly dissipated and a smile had graced his boyish face.
"You really loved him," he commented.
"Not in the romantic sense," she corrected.
He just nodded and they lapsed into silence again before Maria finally answered his first question.
"Phil recruited me nearly ten years ago," her sigh one of sadness.
Steve looked at her and she could see his attention was fully on her. How different from when he came aboard the helicarrier barely more than a month ago. Back then he was so distracted and out of focus that he seemed to her more a snob than the great patriot Phil had played him up to be. She had surprised herself at the anger she had felt as she watched her mentor attempt to make conversation with his life-long hero only to be brushed off as if he was a bother. She'd wanted to pull the so-called super soldier aside and let him know just who it was he was snubbing, but it wasn't her place. Later, Steve had proved himself when needed and Phil had always told her that was when you saw a person's true self. She wasn't sure she agreed but she had been willing after the battle to give Rogers a second chance if only for Phil's sake.
"It was a fluke, really," she continued, pulling herself out of her memories. "I was 18 and had no idea what I wanted to do with my life.
"I had enrolled in a few classes at the community college, got a job at a burger place near campus, and, spent all of my free time partying," Maria shook her head as she thought of her younger, very foolish self.
"Also nearby was a martial arts studio and the students and senseis would stop in before and after classes. A co-worker developed a crush on one of the senseis and begged me to take a class with her.
"I figured it would be good a way to meet more guys," she shrugged. "So I went along.
"Turned out I was a natural. It gave me a sense of focus. I took more classes at the studio and really started to work hard at school. I still had no idea what I wanted to major in, but school was no longer something I did between parties.
"In fact," she added. "I finally quit partying altogether because it just seemed like a waste of time I could be using to study or work out.
"It also turned out that one of the senseis was retired SHIELD and one day I got a visit by a non-descript, grey-suited man with a receding hairline," Maria felt herself break into a wide smile at her first impression of Agent Phil Coulson. Continuing to dismiss him early on was yet another thing on which she'd wasted time.
"He asked if I wanted to use the training I'd had at the studio for good, and for a free education," she chuckled slightly. "I think it was the phrase 'free education' that caught my attention.
"But once I got into SHIELD and went through the training and finished my degree, I knew it was exactly where I belonged," she finished and leaned over to pick up Steve's empty bottle and put it in the recycle bin.
"Another?" she queried.
"No thanks," he told her, shaking his head. "Apparently alcohol is a depressant."
Maria stared at him a moment until she realized that no one would have known that in his former life so this was, indeed, news to him.
Busying herself in the lull, she turned and picked up the tea pot off the tiny range then began to fill it with water. Setting it back on the burner, she turned the knob to heat the water for tea.
She sat back down at the table and Steve re-started the conversation.
"So Phil recruited you, was he your handler as well?"
Maria nodded.
"I was still pretty full of myself back then," she conceded. "I had no idea what he was capable of, I thought he was just some desk jockey bossing me around."
Steve gave her a surprised look.
"What?" she asked.
"I guess," Steve paused for a moment and took a breath, as if he was trying to find the right word.
Finally, he went on.
"I thought I was the only idiot who'd ever done that," he said, and bowed his head sadly.
Maria gave a hearty laugh and Steve gave her another surprised look.
"No, Captain," she said, slightly breathless after her laughing fit. "That's part of Phil's charm and mystique. Everyone underestimates him, if they even notice him."
Shaking her head and laughing more at all the memories that suddenly rushed through her mind she said, "I could tell you stories."
"Would you?" Rogers' obvious enthusiasm surprised Maria and she thought he looked then the way she had always imagined Phil looked when asking his dad about the time he met Captain America.
Suddenly, the pain from earlier returned, and she choked back her tears.
"If it's too soon, I understand," Steve told her and reached across the small table to take her hand in his.
It was warm and comforting. Maria couldn't remember the last time anyone held her hand. She stared at their joined hands a moment, then smiled up at him and gave his hand a squeeze.
"No," she assured him. "I'd like to tell you."
She sighed and leaned back in her chair, but didn't let go of his hand.
"I've just never lost anyone I was that close to before," she admitted. "I don't know how to handle it."
"It's not easy," he said in a reassuring voice, and Maria knew he understood.
They smiled at each other for a moment and Maria thought that he had a very nice smile. In his eyes she saw sympathy and more than a little survivor's guilt. He reminded her right then of Phil. He had been one of the few people she'd known at SHIELD who'd remained mostly human despite being married to the job. She and Fury certainly lost that trait years ago, and while Clint and Natasha probably understood and loved each other, they mostly avoided closeness with other people.
She felt Steve begin to rub his thumb across her knuckles and she slowly relaxed. Just as her mind started to register that she was having an unusual reaction to the situation, the tea kettle announced it had achieved its goal, causing Maria to jump, pulling her hand from Steve's, and laughing nervously with him.
Rising to prepare the tea, Maria deflected the awkward moment by telling Steve how she had treated Phil at the beginning of her work as an agent, and how Fury had to finally call her out with a serious reprimand. When she finished her story, they were both drinking their tea at the table and having a good laugh at Maria's expense.
They finished their drinks in silence, both lost in thought. Maria's were of the distant past; Steve's, Maria was fairly certain, were of more recent events.
"I was a huge disappointment to him," Steve finally said, validating Maria's suspicions as to where his thoughts were.
Maria wanted to say something to make Steve feel better, but the truth was she agreed with him. She couldn't imagine idolizing someone your whole life, finally meeting him, and having him completely blow you off the way Steve had Phil.
"I was so angry with the turn of events that, honestly, I wished I had been left in the ice," he confessed. "That, and I hated those trading cards."
Maria shot him a quizzical look.
"They reminded me of everything that was wrong with the super soldier program in the first place," he told her.
"They turned me into nothing more than a freak sideshow at a circus," he explained. "While the intent of the original doctor might have been for me to fight the Nazis, the intent of the government was to use me as a sort of mascot.
"It was humiliating and degrading," he finished with frustration evident in his voice. "I had signed up to fight for my country and they had me posing for photo ops."
"I didn't know," Maria said. "I wonder if Phil did."
"I don't know," Steve said. "Either way, it doesn't excuse my behavior."
He shook his head.
"I can't remember ever behaving so selfishly. My parents would have been ashamed."
They lapsed into another round of silence as Steve stewed over his behavior and Maria started to realize the depth of the regret the man before her had over his treatment of just one person, one whom Maria had cared for deeply. There weren't a lot of people, the loss of whom Maria would mourn: No one in her life prior to SHIELD, and few within SHIELD. It touched her that Steve was the type of person who didn't just shrug off what he'd done, but she also realized that if he stayed this course, and she had been dealing with brooding agents like Clint Barton for years, he could get stuck in his downward spiral and be very difficult to help. Phil never allowed that. He'd always been right there for Barton, and Barton for Romanoff, the latter two in their own bizarre way. But Maria had never really cared for that end as a handler and Phil had always encouraged her to work her way out of that position because it didn't suit her at all.
Now, here she was years later, in her own apartment, of all places, trying to figure out how to do what seemed to come naturally to Phil. She was terrified how badly this could end, but she tried to think of how Phil handled Barton's regrets. Sure, they were bigger, Steve had probably never murdered anyone in cold blood, but she must have noticed something Phil had done. She'd been watching him closely after all.
Finally she settled on something and prayed she wouldn't screw it up too badly.
"Why did you come back so early from leave?" she asked. She caught herself before she added that Fury would have liked the lot of them to hide out from the council longer and patted herself mentally on the back for one point.
Steve looked up and offered her a lopsided grin.
"I went to see an old friend," he said.
Now it was Maria's turn to be surprised.
"You found some still alive?" she smiled, then outwardly cringed as she realized how bad that sounded.
"I'm sorry," she apologized.
He only shook his head.
"It's OK," he assured her. "I liked how happy that made you. It would have made me even happier.
"You have a really nice smile," he said sincerely.
Maria couldn't be certain, but from the feel of the heat rising to her face, she worried that maybe she was blushing. But if she was, Rogers didn't acknowledge it in any way. He just smiled and went on with his story.
"I liked a girl back during the war," he said. "Her name was Peggy."
He sighed wistfully and Maria quietly waited for him to continue.
"Fury looked her up for me after I'd been awake for a while," he said and leaned forward in his chair but dropped his head as if to look at his tea cup.
"I just wanted to know, you know, what had happened to her," when he looked up, Maria saw the moisture in his eyes. She wondered if he was going to cry, but then chastised herself for fearing it since she'd been a complete mess when he'd arrived and he hadn't even batted an eye.
But no tears fell and, after taking a deep breath, he continued.
"I loved her, you know."
He smiled at Maria and added, "In a romantic way."
Maria laughed slightly at that and felt herself begin to relax again.
"She had moved to the states back in the 50's, but she died in '85," he said, a sad look coming to his face.
"I went to Pennsylvania, to her grave," his voice cracked slightly, but he controlled his emotions. "Visited every day until I realized that if I didn't leave, I'd probably go mad and an insane super soldier might be more than the world could handle right now."
Maria looked at him and realized that, while to most people it would have sounded like he was trying to make light of the situation, he was deadly serious. She reached across the table this time and took his hand in hers.
It was far past midnight when Steve left the small apartment. They had talked about Phil, and even Clint and Natasha; they talked about the war and Steve's old friends and family and neighborhood, what growing up in New York had been like back then. They ordered pizza and when it arrived they decided the couch would be far more comfortable than the plastic chairs in the kitchenette. They had occasionally touched each other on the arm or held the others hand. And Maria felt far more up human than she had ever felt in her life. Which made for a good excuse later when she was asking herself why she agreed to visit Steve's old neighborhood with him on her next day off.