Authors note: For those who haven't read my profile lately, I recently broke my shoulder, which hasn't been conducive to working on long running epics like ATCOTS or THE PRINCESS DIARIES, but I wanted to put SOMETHING up and found the song that forms the core of this drabble buried in my notes. Hope you enjoy and that these nifty painkillers I've got haven't made it too hard to understand. Legal disclaimers: Kim Possible, Ron Stoppable, Rufus, Shego, Bonnie Rockwaller, Tara, Jessica, Hope, Monique and Mr. Barkin, are the creations of Mark McCorkle and Bob Schooley, and those names are all trademarks of the Disney media organizations. Use in use in this context is probably considered fair under parody law, but just in case: this work was not created for profit, no money changed hands etc. Also, this story takes place at a time at which all human characters doing the naughty shown should be considered to be over the legal age of 18.
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WALTZING WITH SHEGO
Just a little KiGoratory
By SHADO Commander
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"Stoppabble!" The voice of doom boomed. "You're up!"
Popping erect like a Jack in the Box on Viagra, Ron somehow found enough control of his nervously spasming limbs to forced his wobbly legs into the act of propelling him hastily towards the front of the room, incredibly also managing to simultaneously juggle the stack of papers, his pet mole rat AND a six foot long didgeridoo without losing a single one of them in the shuffle. This was the big one; if he screwed this up he would be… well, he didn't want to think about where he would be.
Quickly setting Rufus down on the high stool that had been provided, the blonde disaster walking carefully propped the giant aboriginal instrument against the chair so that the rodent's cleft lips were in prime position to blow into the hole, cleared his throat for the umpteenth time and turned to face the assembled throng.
They stared back at him with baleful eyes. His audience. His judge, jury and potential executioners.
'Stick to the plan, Stoppable,' he thought. After all, there was no point in having a plan if you didn't stick to it, right?
"Lights please?" he asked through a painfully dry throat and was rewarded with a dimming that shut off every other overhead florescent, leaving him spotlighted in the double-lit front row.
"Thank you Tara!" He mouthed to the attractive blonde who had appointed herself the mistress of the switch, but dared not wait to see if she'd actually seen his lips move. The crowd was already showing signs of restlessness, and he, Ron Stoppable, was taking way too long and he was all too aware of that fact. As he saw the scowl forming in the brows over the only eyes in the room that really mattered… well, the only ones that mattered for the purpose of THIS project and its immediate goal, anyway… he redoubled his pace and efforts, quickly passing out the paper sheets to those sitting in the front rows. Then, cheating in a deep breath as he stepped back to the performance position, he turned to face the assembly with a boyish grin plastered across his face, hopefully hiding his nervousness behind his ever-charming Ron-ness.
Because there was really something he should have done before this but… well, he could handle that later, right?
Yeah, of course he could. That was the plan… and there was no point in having a plan if you didn't stick to it, was there?
Was there?
"Ahem," He cleared his throat one more time. "As you know, we were asked to adapt an existing song to something autobiographical. With that in mind, I've chosen the wonderful Australian anthem Waltzing Matilda as my source material, and if any of you know the tune, please feel free to sing along on the choruses… I've printed the new lyrics on these sheets I just handed out to the front row… so if you could, pass them back…. Yes, thanks. Does everyone have one now?"
Ron ignored the shocked gasp that came from the spot next to his amid the illegible muddle of murmured responses that could mean "yes," no," or "get off the stage. He had to stick with the plan and deal with THAT later. He dreaded it, of course, but first things first. Picking up the communal guitar that had been left at the front of the room by the previous victims, he turned to his diminutive accompanist and gave 'the nod."
Nodding back with grave concern, Rufus took his own deep breath, swelled his cheeks to absurdly cartoonish proportions and began to play softly and deftly, the small pink sapient being showing almost supernatural skill in producing the odd, eerie sound so evocative of the Australian Outback from the mammoth woodwind that was nearly 12 times his own size.
"Here we go!" Ron thought, putting on his best smile and, strumming the first notes on the guitar, began to sing in a surprisingly clean and resonant tenor…
"Once there was a redhead, who was a hero girl,
So brave and courageous and named Kimberly,
But the real reason that she fought wasn't quite so noble, no,
For she just liked banging on Shego, you see…"
And then, to his eternal relief, as he launched into the first chorus, he heard other voices starting to come in beneath his own! Yes! They were beginning to join in! They LIKED it!
"Banging on Shego, Banging on Shego
Hitting and kicking with thrusts and forays
There was just something about Shego that set young Kim's blood a boil,
And made her want to bang on Shego always..."
And then it was back to Ron's solo…
"Now there was a Ron-man who sidekicked the hero girl,
He even dated her for a while, did he,
But no matter what he tried, the Ron-man soon realized the truth,
She preferred banging on Shego, to him, did she…"
Now the chorus really WAS a chorus. At least twenty voices joining with his!
"Banging on Shego, Banging on Shego
Verbally sparring with smart ass retorts,
Until one day she suddenly snapped to the obvious,
That Shego had been flirting with her, of course…"
And back to himself, his tone growing softer, but conveying more emotional depth…
"That froze the princess, like a deer in the headlights,
Could it be that Shego was gay?
And if so, the question came back round in her ringing head…
Was Shego the only one who was "that-a-way?"
And the chorus surged again! Now every voice in the room save three was chanting along, and one of those was Rufus, who was too busy wailing on his didgeridoo.
"Banging on Shego, Banging on Shego
The way they rolled and rubbed 'gainst each other,
And the strange way she'd felt every time that they'd ever fought…
Could the emotion that she thought was hate be another?"
With only one last solo to go, Ron finally let loose, putting everything he had into the finale!
"Up jumped the princess and caught Shego in a headlock,
"You'll never escape from me again", said she,
"But I'm not going to turn you into the police, oh no…
I'm taking you into my own custody!"
Ron couldn't believe it! The lusty voices that bellowed out the final chorus could be heard half a mile away as everyone got WAY too into the grand climax!
"Banging on Shego, Banging on Shego
Of course, that's a euphemism now, you see
But if you hide beneath their window, the only words you'll hear Kim say,
Are "Please one more time, Shego, bang me…
Oh, just one more time, Shego, please bang me."
"Oh, just one more time, Shego, please bang me,"Ron , totally drained, both by the performance and its reception, he turned to Rufus and bowed to the dedicated didgeridooist, even as the rest of the class leapt to their feet in applause. Well, ALMOST all of them.
"Eh…you were pushing the edge of autobiographical with that piece, Stoppable," Mr. Barkin growled... but buried beneath the gruff front, Ron could see that the man was more impressed than he let on… as his very next words betrayed: "But given the popular response I guess I'll accept it. C plus. Rockwaller, you're up next!"
"Booyah!" Ron would have pumped his fists to the heavens had they not been full of didgeridoos and mole rats.
And then he saw the eyes.
The green eyes looking back at him as if he was Brutus, Judas Iscariot, Benedict Arnold and Vidkun Quisling all rolled into the same shapeless Middleton MadDogs track suit.
"Hey! Move it or lose it Stupidable!" Bonnie snarled as she attempted to pass around him with her banjo; but at that moment Ron could have grabbed Middleton's resident Queen Bee-yotch and stuck his tongue down her throat, so grateful was he for temporarily blocking the look in the eyes of Kim Possible.
Yes, Ron thought as he deftly dodged around the banjo-weilding Bon-Bon, he really, probably okay absolutely SHOULD have told Kim what he was going to sing about, but he'd been completely stuck for an idea, having already blown the When Ron met Rufus theme for a previous assignment. As it was, he'd only come up with this idea at three in the morning the night before, while watching a steak house commercial in the middle of the Late, Late, Late Night Theater screening of DEBS.
Well, at least he'd die with his C average secure.
But to his surprise, his probably soon to no longer be his best friend since Pre-K didn't tear his head off. She just looked at him. With stunned disbelief.
"Ron…" Kim whispered softly. "How could you? You're the only person I've confided in, the only one I TRUSTED with what I've been going through. How could you just OUT me in front of the entire class?"
"Um, Kim," Ron gulped, trying to remember why he had thought this was a good plan. "I really don't think it's as big of a secret as you think it is."
"Oh yeah?" Kim grimaced sarcastically. "Really?"
Fortunately, Bonnie then saved Ron's bacon yet again as the brunette's flying fingers began to pluck out a VERY a familiar TV theme on her mother-of-pearl banjo and her normally snide voice took on a hillbilly twang…
"Well, this is a story 'bout a girl named Kim,
Who had a dorky boyfriend and was getting bored with him,
And then one day she was fighting with Shego…
And realized her thoughts were no longer hetero…"
"Non straight, that is,
Orientation-wise,
Sexually,"
"Well, the next thing you know, ol' Kim's a flaming dyke,
Who ain't been exactly subtle 'bout telling guys to take a hike,
She's been wearing Doc Martin's and leather biker pants,
And got voted Homecoming King when she took Shego to the dance…"
.
"Yeah. Really." Ron sighed, trying not to look at Kim's stunned expression and wondering if he should tell her why Tara, Jessica, Hope and Monique were dressed as Motor Ed, Senor Senior Jr., Duff Killigan and Aviarius.
Then again, it might just be that during their re-versioning of the Village People's classic 'Y.M.C.A.' into 'Kim Might Be Gay' would be the perfect time to sneak out of the room.
Yessss…. He thought. That sounded like… A Plan!