Note: Title comes from "What's On My Mind" by Kansas.

Warning: Contains canonical incest/non-con/underage (not too graphic), child abuse, teen pregnancy.

i'm attached to the better half of myself

Written For Selena

Francine Calhoun yanked on her two-year-old son's hand, pulling him towards the bathroom.

"Caleb, hurry up! If we're late getting home, your father is going to have it in for all of us!"

His big blue eyes looked up at her as he nodded.

"Sorry Mommy," he whispered, and rushed towards the bathroom. A shadow popped up in front of him, and he let out a squeak of fear and started crying.

"Caleb!" Francine snapped, "Get your fucking life together."

She shoved the stroller forward, containing tiny, already-blonde Norma Louise. Irish twins, just her luck.

"I swear to God. I'm not cut out for this. Go, go ahead and go!"

"They're such pretty flowers." She was running around, scooping them up in her hands, bringing them up to her nose. "Smell them, Caleb!" She proceeded to shove them in her brother's face, as he laughed.

"It's just flowers, Norma. How's one flower any prettier than another one?"

"'Cause these are the prettiest. Teacher said they're called lupins."

"Lupins?" Caleb asked. "Silly name for a flower." He took one out and smelled it, took a deep breath. "I guess it does smell nice." He cocked his head to the side. "Let's go catch fireflies!"

"Okay," Norma agreed. They started to run around, looking up in the sky for the little flickers of light. Norma loved to let them run up and down her arms, wave their little wings. They could fly anywhere; they could leave this place and go wherever they wanted. She would even bring them inside, let them run around in their little dollhouse.

When they'd get caught, Caleb would always say it was him who did it. Said he was trying to be funny.

"Yeah, real funny," their father would snarl. Norma would yell, and the next thing she knew all she could hear was the sound of fist against flesh.

Their house was small, with just one bedroom, and one bed, to share between them.

"You're kicking me – quit it!"

Norma shoved Caleb off the bed with all her might.

"God, I can't wait until I get my own room one day."

"Me too," Caleb grumbled, as he stood up and climbed, bruised, back into bed. Norma had pulled one of her stuffed animals to her chest. They could hear things breaking downstairs.

"I hate it when they fight," she said.

"Yeah, me too."

Norma dropped the stuffed elephant and draped her arms around Caleb, laying her head on his shoulder.

"I love you, Caleb."

"I love you, too."

"Always be my friend?"

"Yeah… Always."

It was their first day of middle school, and they were going to be late.

Caleb was dressed in a too-big T-shirt and khakis, and Norma in a shirt that used to belong to Caleb, or maybe still did. Their father loved to rant about having to buy two sets of clothing.

"Who can afford that? Rich man's family, they say! Not unless that damn money comes in from your family, Frannie…" That would start up another burst of arguing between the Calhouns, raging at each other until things started flying through the air and Norma and Caleb had to take cover in a closet or behind a chest of drawers.

Norma would curl into a ball, and Caleb would slide up next to her.

Like they were one person.

One terrified person.

Norma was in tears, sitting on her knees on the floor.

"No one would dance with me, nobody, and they all laughed at me… God, Caleb, they all laughed." She rubbed her fists in her eyes, trying to stop. No one liked a whiner, that was what their father always said. It was a good thing neither of their parents were home.

"Come on, Norma – you don't need that bunch of losers anyway. Fuck 'em. Seriously." He reached out and took her hands in his. "Norma Louise, you are better than any of 'em. Prettier, smarter, just better. That's why they're jealous."

"Why are you always so nice to me, Caleb?" She looked at him with wide eyes. "You're never this nice to anybody else."

He shrugged.

"Nobody else matters." He stood up and pulled her up too. "Ya know what we need? We need a real party here. Like, a serious one. I know where they keep the key to the liquor cabinet."

"Caleb! You know you're in for it if he catches you."

Caleb shrugged.

"Just needs to not catch me, then."

Norma was screaming at the top of her lungs.

"I'm dying, I'm dying…"

"What?" Caleb rushed back into the room. "What is it?"

"I'm dying, Caleb…" She grabbed at him desperately. "I'm bleeding and I'm dying and I'm…"

He looked past her and shook his head.

"Norma! Don't… Don't you remember what happened?"

She blinked her eyes, and slowly it all came back.

"Oh my God… What did we do?" She scrubbed at her face with her hands. "How drunk were we? Oh God… We're dead. We are dead."

He grabbed her hand.

"We're not dead. We probably shouldn't have done it but you're not dying. This is totally normal."

"Says who?"

"Says a lot of people. Bleeding is normal. Let's just get the sheets washed and we'll just… move on. Unless."

Norma gathered up the sheets. Her hands were shaking.

"Unless what?"

"Unless you want to do it again sometime."

Norma was terrified, and she wasn't sure what part she was most afraid of. Was it the things she and Caleb were doing? Was it the fact that sometimes it seemed the most natural thing in the world?

If she had to settle on it, she'd say that the scariest part was the certainty with which she knew that if their father ever caught them, they'd both be dead. Her most likely but Caleb… Caleb certainly.

"We shouldn't do this," she told him, time and time again, but ended up giving in anyway. It was the only thing that chased away his threats to leave, his threats to climb out the window and never see any of them again.

It started being the only thing that made any sense. The only thing that was predictable. God knows nothing else was. She'd get home from school and the whole house would be a mess, with papers thrown everywhere and holes punched in the walls.

One night she came home from drama practice to find Caleb hunched over the wall with a big bucket of spackle.

"I'm fixing it," was all he would say.

When they were fourteen and fifteen, Caleb used to sneak out with his guitar and go play in bands, perform at bars around Akron.

Norma came home one day to find Caleb up in their room, holding a wadded up piece of toilet paper in front of his nose.

"What happened?"

"He found out I've been sneaking out."

Norma's eyes went wide.

"It's getting worse."

She ran a hand through her hair and started to breathe hard.

"Caleb, you can't keep riling him up. You know how he is. He's not going to ever change."

"I won't either."

"He'll kill you. And you know he would kill you if he ever… found out. About us, I mean."

Caleb looked at her, taking the bloody tissue away from his face.

"We don't have to worry about that, right? 'Cause he's never gonna find out."

Norma sat at a booth, eating a hamburger by herself. It was better than going home; she was becoming increasingly worried about what she was going to come home to. Between her mother being spaced out on pills, her father's increasing attacks on Caleb (and her – she'd gotten a nasty bruise on her head the day before when she'd tried to come between them), and Caleb's increasingly weird behavior, anywhere was better than home.

Two bites into her cheeseburger, somebody slid into the bench across from her. She looked up in surprise to see a kid a few years older than her, with short, dirty-blonde hair and a light beard.

"Well hey. Why are you eating alone?"

Norma put down her cheeseburger.

"Why do you care?" she fired back. It was the unwritten rule – no one got close to either of them. You couldn't trust anyone outside of the two of them.

The boy smirked.

"Well, a pretty girl eating a burger all by herself. That's just depressing. Mind if I sit with you?" He reached up and scratched his ear. "I just moved here from Kansas."

"Kansas. Who are you, Dorothy?" Norma sniped.

"Only if you're Toto."

Norma stuck out her tongue.

"What's your name anyway, Dorothy?"

"Sounds like I already have one." He grinned, all flashy white teeth. He was pretty damn sure of himself. He extended his hand. "But on my birth certificate, it's John Dylan Massett."

"Nice to meet you John Dylan Massett. They call me Norma Louise Calhoun."

"I'd like to see more of you."

"That sounds a little dirty." Norma cocked her head to the side. "Are you trying to corrupt me?" She ran a finger across her lips. Flirting was hard.

"No… I mean, not unless you wanted me to." He chuckled. "I just meant I'd like to, you know, see…more of you."

Norma stood up from her booth, tray in hand.

"Then don't go blind."

"Go fish, Norma Louise."

Norma ran a finger through her hair and slid it down to pick up a card.

"Got any 6's?"

"No, go fish."

The door, that they hadn't bothered to lock, flew open.

"What the fuck is going on in here, with your door closed?"

"Dad, we weren't…" Norma started. "We were just…" She held up the cards in her defense.

"You weren't what? What weren't you doing? This is ridiculous." Their father stomped into the room and kicked over a box of Norma's magazines. "Boy and girl teenagers sharing a damn room, a fucking bed? Seriously?"

Caleb looked up, glaring at him.

"There's no room anywhere else in the house! What, you want me to sleep on the roof, old man?"

"Caleb don't!" Norma flew into a standing position, putting her hands up and shielding him.

"I don't want you to sleep in your goddamn sister's bed! It's not normal!"

"There's no other room!" Norma protested.

"You ain't sleeping in her goddamned bed!" He shoved Norma out of the way and grabbed Caleb up by the collar. "Sleep on the floor! Sleep on the dresser! Sleep in the goddamned closet but you ain't sleeping in her bed! I didn't even have a bed growing up, you don't see me bitching about it!"

He tossed Caleb back on the ground like he was a piece of junk mail.

The door slammed.

"You okay?" Norma asked.

"Shit… Are YOU okay?"

"What do you mean?"

She turned to the mirror and observed the marks on her neck.

She hadn't even felt them.

"Lonely?"

John Massett was sitting across from her again, hand supporting his chin.

Norma rolled her eyes.

"Just sitting here, waiting for you to rescue me."

"Well, you're in luck, I guess. You going to eat that?" He pointed to the uneaten burger on her plate.

"You've come to save me by eating my food?" She shoved it in his direction. "Here, take it. I don't want it."

"Then why did you order it?"

Norma shrugged.

"I don't know. Ten minutes ago I wanted everything on the menu. Now I can't even look at the thing."

John looked at her seriously.

"Okay, if you're going to be, like, The Andromeda Strain… Then I should probably get going."

Norma giggled.

"Nah, it's probably just the stomach flu. My damn brother doesn't wash his hands enough and probably carts germs everywhere."

"Older brother?"

"…Yeah…"

"Would he beat me up if I took you out somewhere?"

Norma stood up, ran to the bathroom, and threw up. When she came back later, he was still there.

"Was I that bad?"

She blushed.

"Sorry. Flu, you know."

"Well when you're no longer contagious… Drive in?"

Norma looked at him and raised an eyebrow.

"I'll be sure to infect you."

"Sneak out and watch me play. Just this once, okay? I swear, I'll get us back in time."

Norma sighed.

"I don't know if I'm really feeling up to it. I've felt like shit the past couple of days… and…"

"Norma Louise, please. Do this thing for me." He was all big blue eyes and pleading, and she sighed.

"Okay, okay. But if we get caught…"

"I know, I know."

They waited under the light in their parents' room was out and then it was out the window and down the roof, running in the grass until they made it to Caleb's beat-up old car.

She burst into giggles.

"Shit, we're a regular Bonnie and Clyde," she whispered to him. "You do this all the time?" Caleb nodded.

When they arrived at the bar, no one asked for IDs.

Norma leaned over a balcony and watched Caleb play, bobbing her head to the music. He was playing a cover of "Summer of '69".

More like Summer of '89, she thought.

Afterwards, he introduced her to his friends.

"This is my girl, Norma."

Norma was too shocked to correct him. How would she do that, anyway? When she looked over at him, it suddenly hit her – he believed it.

It wasn't like she didn't know it was possible. She wasn't that naïve.

But maybe she had hoped that fate would pass her by on this. After all, this wasn't something that was supposed to happen. Not to her.

She stared down at the book, fingers rubbing ink over text. The throwing up, the strange pains and the mood swings were making sense.

Norma put a hand over her head. What the hell was she going to do? She was sixteen.

And any way of solving this… If her father found out…

He would kill Caleb. That much was certain. And probably Norma, for letting him. Or they wouldn't believe her at all. Think she was crazy, making up stories. Asking what her part in all this was.

But even if she was shunned, even if they didn't believe her…

She couldn't take the risk. She'd have to go in and get it taken care of.

Go back to her normal life.

Her normal life that wasn't normal at all.

"Hey!"

Norma slammed the book shut, shoved it under a book about Belize.

"John! Hey." She smiled up at him. "Sorry I haven't called. Just… school. Been really busy."

"Bet you say that to all the guys."

Norma rolled her eyes.

"So how about it? Drive In, tonight?"

Norma knotted her hands together.

"I… Sure, John. Drive In, tonight."

She looked up into his eyes – blue eyes. Like hers, and like Caleb's.

And she thought of another way.

"I don't want you to hit your head…"

"I'm okay, but I think I'm going to have a crick in my back when all this is over." Norma pulled off her top, giggling, arms wrapped around John, legs in the air and trying to pull off the blushing virgin thing.

Madonna's music seemed pretty appropriate right about now. They were in the front seats of his Ford, with Norma pressed up against the gear shift.

"You sure you're okay?" He reached out to stroke her cheek. "It's okay if you don't want…"

"Oh, I want. I want it." She sucked in a breath. Let him reach behind her and unclasp her bra.

"You're beautiful… you know that right?"

She smiled and rearranged herself, trying to fit in the space. Trying to live in the space.

"I hope so."

"They're gone… thank God. I've had enough of them for my entire life. Only thing that keeps me in this shithole is you, Norma Louise."

She was listening to him, but she was somewhere else. Outside herself.

She came back to herself.

"Caleb, we can't. Not anymore. It's not right."

He swiveled his head.

"What?"

"You heard me. We're not doing it anymore. It's not normal. You're my brother for God's sake. I'm not doing it anymore."

"You can't mean that. What's going on?"

She stood up, moved over, stood too close to him.

"Caleb. It's over. We can't. It's too risky, and it's not right."

"You're all I have."

"That's not even true."

"It is."

"Then get somebody else!"

Caleb stood up too. He towered over her.

"I don't want somebody else – I want you, Norma…"

"Don't you 'Norma Louise' me."

"For three years…"

"I've been letting you do it to me."

"What… what are you…"

Norma sucked in a breath.

"I can't do this anymore."

He leaned in, pressed a kiss to her cheek.

"Don't talk like that."

She stepped back.

"Get off me."

Caleb pinned her up against the wall.

"You don't even know what you're saying."

"Get the hell off me."

Somewhere in the struggle, in the yelling, the door downstairs opened.

They scrambled to their feet too quick, and Norma slammed her leg into the iron.

She had to bite her lip, because if she didn't, she would be screaming her head off. Inside her, she already was.

It was a few weeks later when she gathered up her clothes in a duffel bag as Caleb slept on the floor. He looked strangely peaceful, even curled in on himself, head ducked like he was always protecting himself from something or someone on the attack.

If she waited any longer, she'd start to show.

If she waited any longer, Caleb would get himself caught.

Without her, he wouldn't be in danger. Without her, he wouldn't have any reason to stay in this house.

She walked towards the window, started to open it.

At the last minute, she scribbled him a note:

Caleb,

Don't look for me. I'm going off to get married. I'm going to be happy, and you should too. Go somewhere far away. Forget about me and all of this. What we were was something that should never be. Please try to understand.

Love,

Norma Louise

She tucked it under his arm, leaned in, and kissed him on the cheek.

Then she slid out the window, down on to the roof, and away.