Return To Me
Dear Mulder,
I write to you now knowing you may never read this, but hoping you can understand the unsaid. My weakness has always been expressing my emotions and oh, how they are mixed up now. I'm so scared Mulder. It seems I always turn to you in these times, seek strength from another while I'm weak. As I sit here and write this journal entry to you. I am still in awe of this miracle growing inside me. Mulder it's our miracle, ours.
I feel so lonely Mulder. My other half is gone. I told you I wouldn't let you go alone as we stood in the hall that night. That seems to be another one of, "our safe places" Mulder, the hall. I think Skinner knows that it's yours Mulder. I didn't tell him. I just think he knows. No one told me you were gone. I could feel you go. Mulder, please return to me; don't let this child come into this world with a lonely mother and no father. Please Mulder return to me. Come back to me for it's only a matter of time until the journal runs out of paper and I drift slowly away, slowly away to nothing. Each day a piece of me is gone. Dead.
I'm scared Mulder. I shouldn't have let you go without me. I hold myself responsible, as I cry every day. I shouldn't have let you go I tell myself again. I feel as if I've lost you again, only this time I fear no return to me. Oh my beautiful Mulder. You have to, you have to return. I'm sorry Mulder if I let you down. I should have known earlier, I just should have known.
A single tear finds its way down my already tear stained face and onto the page I write on. I curl up into your couch, close the journal and put it up. Unable to write anymore I hug my legs close to my chest and rest my chin on my knees. I exhale a much needed sigh.
I came here after my release from the hospital. I needed to think. As I sit here, I think back on all that has happened in this apartment. The hall, the night your mom died, X, all the times I fell asleep on your couch, our long talks that last until 2am , after your operation…my touchstone, waking up in your bed for the first time…
I tell myself I need rest and argue with my subconscious it's all a bad dream. When I wake you'll be here, holding me close. Just like the night I spent next to your warm body in your hotel room …that was just the other night. I close my eyes.
"Dana!" I yell at myself inside my head as if trying to get myself to wake up from this nightmare. Though, this is for real. Mulder is gone and I'm pregnant! I think of Samantha as strange as it seems. I guess she is the closest person I can relate to. She wanted to return to you. I want you to return to me. She wanted you to hold her and never let her go. I want to hold you and never let you go. She wanted to tell all to you, and now I too, Dana Scully wish to bear all I feel…only to you. She wanted to run to you and hold on to you for strength, as do I. Though, Sam and I have our similarities with you. We also have our differences.
I love you Mulder, but not in the way Sam did. That is the one main difference between us. I want to cover you in kisses and thank you for our miracle. Mulder! Do you hear me? Our miracle...the child that was not supposed to be.
"Do you hear me Mulder?" I barely notice I am speaking aloud to myself. "We beat the odds once again Mulder. You and I we're different from the rest." I whisper the last part softly, knowing it is true.
Mulder, I let you go alone only because you promised me you would return. I gave you my cross in hopes you would think of me. Now I pray it keeps you safe as I sit through another lonely night wondering what tomorrow shall bring. "Return to me Mulder, please hurry."