AUTHOR: Orac
E-MAIL: blakes7@hushmail.com
STATUS: Complete
CATAGORY: Drama, touch of angst
SPOILERS: Episodes regarding Jacob, unsure which, except certainly Secrets, Tokra I & II, and Jolinar's Memories.
SEASON: 2, after Tokra I and II.
RATINGS: PG.
SUMMARY: Jacob and Selmac reach an understanding.
DISCLAIMER: Stargate Sg-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: There can never be too much written about Jacob. As I'm fairly new to SG-1 fanfic, if similar stories have been written before, someone want to point me to them? Thanks, as always, to my proof readers: Lady S
Jacob.
Hmmm?
What is it?
What is what, Selmac?
What are you trying to hide from me?
What do you mean? I'm not hiding anything from you. How could I? You're in my head.
Jacob, I have been doing this for a very long time, remember? I can tell when a host is trying to hide something.
Oh, that's right. You're 'the oldest and wisest of us.'
Sarcasm will not work with me, Jacob. I can feel the emotions behind it, you can not bluff me.
Well, if you can feel so much, what makes you think I could hide something from you?
Jacob, I have had many hosts, most with whom I blended when they were young and idealistic, but I have also blended with hosts who have lived a long life prior to the joining. I have learned when I should take the blending slowly, respecting my host's privacy until they are completely comfortable with the idea of having ... another know all of their thoughts and feelings, and share their memories fully. I have been respecting your privacy, and have not delved into your mind. I know you are aware of this. Until you are completely ready to share all of your previous life with me, I will respect your privacy. However, you are actively trying to hide something from me that you are feeling right now, and this can damage you; it can damage us. We have been together now for a couple of weeks, and we must work together as a team. You must accept this.
Jacob sighed, and shifted on his pallet, the vibration of the Tel'tac barely damped by the thin padding. The Tok'ra High Council had given him a simple assignment, accompanied by a few other Tok'ra, to help him integrate both with Selmac and to learn more about Tok'ra society and their chosen mission, the destruction of the Goa'uld, a race about which he had not even heard a month earlier. The High Counsil had reasoned that as an experienced soldier, a mission would be familiar ground.
He was used to a rapidly changing life, a staid, sedentary life was not conducive to becoming a brigadier general in the Air Force, he had been on the move for upwards of forty years, only recently coming to rest as his rank allowed him some stability. And then he had moved to Colorado Springs only a few months ago in order to be near his daughter as he fought off the cancer that had afflicted him earlier this year.
But even forty plus years in the Air Force, and seeing everything from Vietnam has a young pilot to a command in Desert Storm, nothing had prepared him for the existence of the Stargate, much less the Goa'uld, the Tok'ra and living on an alien world, especially after almost, but not quite, resigning himself to death at the hands of berserk cancer cells.
And now, his new life included a snake in his head.
Jacob ... please.
Selmac, this isn't easy.
Yes, I know. But remember, I have had many hosts, and I have seen many things. I have helped them through good times and bad, euphoria and devastation. Let me help you as well.
I ... don't know how to relate to you.
To me? You seem to be adjusting to my presence quite well, much better than we expected, especially given how the rest of the Tau'ri feel about symbiotes.
Yes, I only learned of your existence hours before we joined. I didn't have time to develop the prejudges of the rest of them.
Which is why you refer to me as a 'snake' in your thoughts?
Well ... yeah. Seriously, Selmac. You have seen some of my memories of my wife?
Yes. We do not have such a ceremony among the Tok'ra, but we have such commitments. I have been part of them in my past.
I loved my wife, Selmac, deeply and completely. When she died I didn't think I would make it, it felt as if a part of me had been ripped away. My memories of her and our relationship are some of my dearest possessions. And while I've had relationships since then, none have even come close to the level I had with my wife.
You feel as if you are betraying your wife's memories because I have become your new 'soul mate.' And you are unsure what to feel about me, because I defy any of the categories to which you reference.
Well, that certainly makes me sound immature! I
Jacob, I understand that irony and sarcasm serve a purpose, and I appreciate your humor, and hope that you continue to share it with me, but this is not the time. You feel as if you are betraying your wife.
Yes. I know better, intellectually. She's been gone for almost twenty years. Had I met someone, and gotten married again, I don't think I would feel the same. But you must admit that this is a whole different level of ... commitment, of intimacy.
And?
And what?
And you still do not know how to relate to me.
Selmac, humans, especially in my culture, have a strong leaning towards finding and bonding with another, a 'soul mate,' as you said. Now, with little warning and totally inadequate preparation, I've been given a companion I hardly know who will be with me, in my
True. And?
Dammit, Selmac, you're as bad as a shrink!
Hmm. A Doctor who works with mental and emotional diseases. It would behoove you to learn quickly that I am very hard to distract.
And ... I don't know how to feel about you. You're a snake in my head. But you're also seem to identify as female, regardless of the idea that symbiotes don't have a gender, and you're funny and intelligent and a good companion. I don't know how to relate to you, and if I feel for you, I don't know how to relate to others about whom I might feel something in the future. I've never before understood herpetologists, nor have I ever encountered sentient snakes ... I'm just having a very difficult time with all of this, I can't even explain it to myself.
Jacob, the relationship between a host and a symbiote is a deep and complex one, and it varies with each new joining, based on the host's background and culture, the stage of life of both the host and symbiote, and multiple other factors. Obviously the relationship must exist on a purely cerebral and emotional level, much like the 'platonic love' of your culture. The relationship must evolve as we get to know each other, and as experiences shape us. But I do know this, you should not feel guilty about feeling for me, nor should you feel guilty should you develop a relationship with someone else, be they a joined person or not, just as you should not feel as if you are betraying your wife for having any feelings for another. Also, I know that your life in the military has taught you to hide your feelings from most others, that it has become a deeply ingrained habit. However you choose to portray yourself on the outside, we must be honest with each other. It is essential to a healthy host / symbiote relationship. In order for this to work, we must work together. We can disagree, of course, and argue, but we must be honest. Any other path will cause us both extreme harm. This is essential, Jacob. Can you accept this? And all that it implies?
Do I have a choice?
Well, no, but there are things both I and the rest of the Tok'ra can do to ease the transition. But to be honest, you would not appreciate these methods. It would be better for both of us if we can work it out between the two of us.
Oh, really?
Yes, really. To be honest, they are ... what was the term? 'A real drag.' A bit degrading for the 'oldest and wisest of us.'
Alright, sister, you got a deal. But be patient. I can be more than a bit stubborn, but I promise to do the best I possibly can.
That's all I ask, my friend, that's all I ask.
Good, now let me get some sleep, Selmac. I'm not as old as I used to be.
-end-