Title: The First Day of My Last Days…
Rating: MA (varies with chapters)
Pairing: Sam/Dean possibly Sam/Dean/Brian
Spoilers: Vaguely here and there for Seasons 1 through 4.
Summary: When the lights go out, it doesn't just get dark…it doesn't just consume...When the lights go out, they don't just go out…they stay out…When all the lights go out, it doesn't just mean you're alone…it means there's no hope.
Notes: First series in this Universe...
Feedback: Please! Please! Please!
The First Day Of My Last Days…
There are only two people I believed I could be happy with. Only two people which my world revolved around. Only two people I could count on no matter what happened. When dad and I had the worst fight imaginable about me leaving for Stanford, I never felt so hurt and betrayed. And even after everything was said and done, his candle didn't burn out. But the darkness grew and advanced. Terrified and alone, I sought out someone to help keep the darkness at bay. Then I met Jess…
The connection we had was so special to me. I thought I could build a life with her – a normal life. She made me so happy. I wasn't alone anymore.
Two candles. That's all that has been in my life. Until Jess. Her candle appeared out of nowhere with a light so bright all the shadows were vanquished. I thought everything would be alright – that all the problems would disappear and I could just live like that…
Then he was here. Deep down, in my bones, I knew something was wrong when Dean asked for my help searching for dad. At first I didn't want to believe it – I wanted to keep the life I worked so hard to build. I tried to cling to it with all my strength. I didn't want to go back – not with all the bad and painful memories still there. Not with all the wounds still unhealed. Not with all the pain waiting for me…
On that fateful night – the night her light burnt out and the darkness advanced even further – I never felt so much pain, anger, hatred, and guilt. I was terrified that the darkness would swallow me. But he was there.
He has always been there. Always there to take care of me, protect me, and love me. He's always had my back. Always there for me – even if I wasn't for him. He helped me get through the pain and guilt about Jess. And somewhere down the line, I noticed the change in myself… I began to feel more strongly about him than I should… But his candle has always been there – burning brightly even when others would flicker and dim or expire. It drew me in like a moth to a light.
And I was glad that he was there. As long as he was there the darkness couldn't reach me… So wherever Dean went, I would go too. And it felt good to be with him – I felt safe and happy.
But while we were searching for dad, I began questioning dad's safety – I begun to give up. We weren't making any progress and we hadn't heard from him in such a long time. And with each passing day, that candle would flicker and waver and get dimmer. And the darkness would begin to surround me, begin to corner me.
But then we finally heard from dad and the light grew again. But then he didn't want us to try and find him – he didn't want us to help him. Was he trying to get himself killed? The candle's light grew only slightly and the darkness receded a little.
And it continued like this until the accident – when Dean's light was so small…when the light I've been depending on to keep the darkness at bay was so close to burning out. With the two candles nearly burned out, the darkness soared.
It was suffocating and horrifying and so very empty. And then his light went out. In that instant I knew something was terribly wrong, just like before… The darkness slithered even closer and in a moment of panic and unfathomable fear, Dean's light burned even brighter than before.
He has always been there. Even through dad's death. Even though he's hurting just as badly. And over time, on our journey, to kill that yellow-eyed son of a bitch, fire would slowly change color from a searing yellow to a crimson red. And even then I knew something horrible was coming.
And as I watched it change before my eyes, I vowed that after everything he's done for me, I would do the same for him. I would be strong just like him. I would protect him just like he does me. And then I saw it…
I saw the darkness recede even further, a fourth candle that I've never seen started to burn. I strengthened my promise then. I would do my best to stop his pain. I would do my best to make him happy. I would do my best to love him as much as I could.
I thought I could be strong like him but the forces of darkness are endless. And after each case, after each evil creature, after each demon the road before me started to disappear. Or maybe it was me. Maybe I just couldn't handle it. I started doubting myself. There was no way I was going to be able to stop that yellow-eyed demon. I could barely keep up with the endless stream of demons.
Slowly but surely, the darkness was creeping closer as my light started to dim. And then I was abducted by that evil bastard. He forced us to fight against one another. I knew then that if I was going to kill anyone that my light would go out too. What was I supposed to do? Where was Dean? I was alone again. I was afraid again.
I tried to reason with Jake. I tried to make him see that what he was doing was wrong. And then Dean was there and I was so glad to see him. I want to grab him and never let go again. Then there was this blinding, searing, white-hot pain in my back and all I could see was Dean running towards me. The only sounds I could hear was the blood in my ears and my own heart beat. I knew what was going to happen then. I was going to be swallowed and consumed by the darkness. But I didn't have any energy left to fight it…
But then what felt like a split second later, the room was brighter and the slithering mass of darkness hissed as it was once again pushed back. This time it roared in anger as if it was denied some haughty feast.
I was alive again. At first I didn't understand…but then I figured out what he did for me. This was the second time that I was filled with so much pain, anger, hatred, and guilt. How the fuck could he do that? Doesn't he understand that if he dies, his candle would go out? That if his candle goes out, mine does too? I can't bear to live without him. I love him too much to go on without him. But we still had time…
We had one year to figure a way out of this deal. We had one year to figure out how to keep his light burning. And so we continued on and did was we do best…
And with each passing day, I had to witness his light get dimmer and dimmer and finally on that day we fought with Lilith the light went out.
When his light went out, I was alone in the darkness. It was so cold and terrifying. So empty. And I couldn't bear it. I did everything I could, thought of everything I could think of to bring him back, to light his candle. But nothing worked.
I was so desperate to get out of this darkness. And that's when she appeared. She gave me powers that ignited my own candle so that I could prevent the darkness myself. And God, I never felt this safe since his light went out.
But then by some miracle, you were back from the dead – your candle was burning again and we pushed the darkness back even further. I couldn't believe it! I was so happy to see you! And I made another vow then that I would do everything I could possibly do to make sure your light never went out again. I couldn't stand to be alone again. I was going to kill that bitch Lilith and make her pay for what she did to us.
But then you saw what I was doing with my powers and the look in your eyes hurt me more than you will ever know. I knew I was always different from everyone else, but you were always there for me. I was always worried about what you thought of me – if I made you proud. And somewhere deep down, I knew that when I started using my powers that I was turning into a freak. A monster. I tried my best to hide it from you so I wouldn't have to face it. But the look in your eyes just ripped me apart in so many ways.
I saw the darkness then. I saw it advance when it shouldn't have. I watched your light steadily burn as if nothing had changed, but the darkness started moving still as if you weren't protecting me anymore. And I started to panic. The only way to stop it was to do it myself…And so I did it the only way I knew how…
After that incident, it's a miracle, and I'm forever grateful for it, that you allowed me to accompany you still. And then overtime, I began to realize that Bobby was there for us as well. And by yet another miracle, after I knew the only light that I could count on was my own, a fifth candle appeared. And even though it wasn't as bright as yours, it was still there and I was so grateful for it. As long as there was one light, no matter how small it is, there darkness will stay away – there is always hope. So I attached myself to that light just like all the others.
But then, we started to grow apart, you and Bobby started pulling away. Or maybe it was me. I felt it then. I never felt so betrayed. And for the third time I never felt so much pain, anger, hatred, and guilt. And I watched as, yet again, the darkness crept closer even with both your lights burning. And then you guys locked me up in that panic room and tied me down while the darkness tortured me. I begged and pleaded to be let out. I swore I would never do it again. The pain of being tortured was so horrendous that I can't even imagine how it could have been for you down in Hell.
But even after all my begging and pleading, you didn't help me. Why? Why did you do it? How could you do it? I was so torn up and alone and scared that when the cuffs unlocked, the solid iron door opened, and the demon traps defaced, that I ran to the only place that I knew could help push the darkness back.
And that rift between us kept growing even bigger. But then you found me even after all my attempts at hiding. And when we fought, I wanted nothing more than to stop and just be brothers again. I wanted everything to go back to the way it was before. But I was so scared of the darkness. And when you were on the floor and I was walking out the door, you said those words and I felt so sick and empty. But I didn't want to go back to that room and get chained up again. I didn't want to be in the darkness again. And I the only thing I knew that worked was to be with Ruby…
So I turned and left…
I was hurting so bad though. I could barely stand straight. And after replaying those words in my head over and over, I finally broke. I never cried like that. I never felt that kind of pain before. And I couldn't stop it! There wasn't a single thing I could do. And so I was going to call you back and beg and plead that you could accept me again. That it would be okay that I was a monster. That I was a freak. That I disappointed you. That you hated me so much. I was willing to accept it all! I was willing to be chained down and locked up in that room with the darkness if that's what it took.
But then I heard that voice mail you left. And it killed me all over again. That you were done with a freak like me and that you would never try to save me ever again. It hurt so bad. And I knew then what I was going to do.
I was going to kill Lilith and make everything go back to the way it was…
A/N: I hope you all enjoyed it so far...Any reviews would be appreciated. This story was not beta'd so any mistakes are my own.