Title: the things that time cannot mend

Summary: "Sometimes he wishes he could go back in time and change everything that has happened." In which help comes from the most unexpected places (or people).

Disclaimer: I am not associated with Marvel and make no profit from any of what I am posting.

Inspired By: Anon Ask to benitabuttrel on Tumblr

Warning: Infinity War Spoilers, depression, implied character death(s)

Set after Avengers 4 so this is my interpretation of the events that take place.

the things that time does not mend

"How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep."

― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King

Half the world dies.

Sometimes it's hard to remember that almost half the world comes back too.

There are moments when Peter doesn't feel alive. At night, or on the train to school, he holds his hand over his heart listening to the quiet lub-dub of his heartbeat, reminding himself that he's alive even if everyone else isn't. It's never enough. Being alive isn't the same as living.

The first few weeks are a blur. Aunt May cries when he comes home, holding onto him for what feels like hours and yet, not for long enough. He remembers putting together strings of words to comfort her, knowing that it wasn't enough. That nothing would ever be.

There's a grey cloud hanging over the universe now, or maybe it's just following him. Peter's not sure he knows the difference.

He barely notices the days pass. He listens in class, turns down Ned's plans to meet up, listens to music on the train home. He feels as though one day he'll wake up and be incapable of going on. Maybe staying dead would have been easier. Maybe that way the others would still be here.

His nights are plagued with nightmares. He wakes up with a scream in his throat, the memory of a shooting pain clawing up his legs and creeping into his heart fresh in his mind. The first night he crawls into Aunt May's bed and cries. Every time after he slips onto the ledge outside his window and watches over Queens. Sometimes he thinks about everyone they lost. Names that he still remembers.

He deliberates over messaging someone - anyone, but Shuri lost half her people and Wanda watched the man she loved die twice and he doesn't want to make this about himself. Not when they're dealing with so much worse.

Mr. Stark would have listened, Peter realises, but thinking about that only hurts more.

Sometimes he wishes he could go back in time and change everything that has happened. Maybe he could save everyone, or, maybe, he could never become the Spider-Man. He wouldn't have had so much to lose if he was Peter Parker.

Just Peter Parker. Nothing more.

He's almost proud of himself when he goes a week without crying. It's screwed up but, then again, Peter's a little bit screwed up so it feels like some kind of victory. A small part of him wants to tell someone, but Ned thinks he's fine now, and even Aunt May's stopped checking on him too often. Telling them would only make them worry and he doesn't want that. His demons are his own. They shouldn't trouble anyone else.

Then phys-ed happens and Coach Wilson puts on another one his mandatory videos and, suddenly, without any warning, Cap's in front of him. Talking. Smiling. Ned nudges his arm, whispers something in his ear. Shit. His vision blurs, shit, something in him snaps. They were people. He knew them. He saw them, sees them every night. They shouldn't have -

Mr. Stark shouldn't have -

He doesn't remember leaving the gym. His footsteps echo in the empty hallway but he doesn't stop until he's in the field and his legs crumble under him. An invisible hand grabs his lungs, squeezing them till he can't breathe and - fuck - he feels like he might cry and he's pressing his palms to his eyes, rubbing away tears that threaten to fall, and everything hurts so much and he wants it to stop. He wants it to end.

"Peter!"

He shakes his head. I'm fine, he insists, but the words never leave his head.

"Peter!" Closer this time.

Warm fingers wrap around his wrist, gently lowering his hands. She's standing in front of him, bending slightly, hair falling over her face. "It's okay," she says quietly. "I know. You're allowed to cry."

He leans forward, forehead on her shoulder, arms wrapped around her, and does exactly that.

She died too. Michelle.

Half the world did, it shouldn't be a surprise and, yet, it is. May survived, so did Ned and nobody else wants to talk about it. Hell, he hadn't wanted to talk about it because how much of that was on him? If he'd pulled the gauntlet off faster or tied Thanos down or - anything.

Stop, he tells himself, trying to think of something - anything else.

So he turns to Michelle.

She's still staring at the horizon, the setting sun casting an orange glow on her. On them. Moments like these calm his nerves and relax his senses; They make him feel safe.

They're sitting on his ledge again, for the third day in a row. He hasn't hung out with Ned this much since coming back and if May's surprised by that she doesn't say anything. The change helps: Michelle doesn't know him as well as Ned. She doesn't mind the prolonged silences and his occasional lack of reply.

She's cool. Different.

"When did you find out?"

"What if you fall - "

"You first."

He blinks, thrown off for a second. "Oh, um, when did you find out?"

She shrugs, drawing her knees up and hugging them to her chest. "I had a hunch."

"A hunch?"

"Liz's party, you were on the roof, suit on and mask off. You talked at the monument, in front of me. Web shooters under the lockers. Plus you and Ned wouldn't shut up for days. Did I mention the part where you shot webs from your hand and jumped out of the bus?"

Something inside Peter smiles. "A hunch?" he repeats.

"Whatever, my turn. What if you fall?"

He tugs his sleeve up and then, feeling the need to say something more, "I don't want to be caught off guard." Again. He closes his eyes and hastily slides the sleeve down, covering the web shooter.

"Okay, what if I fall?"

He breathes in deeply, forcing his mind away from another endless spiral of thought. "I'll catch you."

"Yeah no thanks. That's terrifying."

"Are- are you scared?"

She tilts her head, giving him a crooked smile. "I don't know, am I?"

Peter laughs for the first time in months.

I'm working on a second part for this that will hopefully be up by the end of this week (maybe a third part, if the fic needs it?)

This is my first time writing anything MCU or Spider-Man related so feedback would be really appreciated. I'm not expert on the franchise but Infinity War left me feeling broken and I guess I needed someone to project those feelings on!

In case it isn't clear, I still think Cap and Tony are going to die in Avengers 4. I've assumed that the Wakandans killed in the fight remain dead, that Vision does not come back but, being amongst the youngest, Shuri, Peter and Wanda do bond a bit. He's not particularly close to either of them though.

The 'death' of Michelle and Peter refers to the events at the end of IW and, of course, they both come back physically healthy but their mental health isn't great at this point at least.

Do let me know your thoughts on this, every R&R means the world to me! And my PM is always open if anyone wants to cry over IW!