The announcement had gone about as expected. Regis had beamed—he hadn't said a word throughout, but Luna had caught him dabbing away tears when he thought no one was looking—Gladio had made some wordless exclamation and then slapped Noct so hard across the back that he had nearly fallen out of his chair; Prompto actually had fallen out of his chair; and Ignis had quietly cleaned his glasses, given them each a smile and a hug, and promised all of his support in the months to come.
What Luna hadn't expected was that he would actually follow through so literally.
It actually began quite innocuously—and of course it was endearing, how much he cared. And then… well…
"Good morning, Noct. Your Majesty." He appeared first thing in the morning, before they had descended for breakfast, bearing a large paper bag in his arms and giving each of them a nod of greeting.
"It's just Luna, please, Ignis." Luna folded herself into one of the armchairs by the window and adjusted her robe around her knees.
"Of course, Your Majesty—ah. Luna." Ignis set the paper bag down on the coffee table. "I have brought some things—I don't know—perhaps they will be useful."
"Yeah?" Noct appeared by his shoulder, running his hand through sleep-tousled hair and peering into the bag.
Luna's first thought was baby clothes—or something of the like—which, while they wouldn't have any need for several months, yet, was still a sweet gesture. The first thing that Ignis pulled out of the bag was not, however, miniscule pajamas or tiny socks, but a round tin of tea.
"Ginger, raspberry leaves, and spearmint—to settle your stomach in the mornings." Ignis set the tin on the table, looking up at Luna. Noctis peered around his shoulder, glancing from the tin up to Luna as if for some confirmation that this was helpful.
Well, it was certainly a nice gesture, and the blend sounded pleasant.
"Thank you, Ignis." Luna smiled.
He reached into the bag again and pulled out, "Prenatal vitamins—I have spoken to the kitchens about proper diet during pregnancy, but, if at any time you feel that this is insufficient, please do not hesitate to ask—I may not be professionally trained, but I believe I should be able to manage something."
"Oh—thank you, Ignis, I am certain we—"
"Do you really need all this stuff?" Noctis was reading the label on the vitamins. "What's… folic acid?"
"Of course she does, Noctis—she is growing a child and therefore must have enough nutrients for the both of them. Folic acid prevents neural tube defects." Ignis took the bottle back from him and set it on the table beside the tea.
Noctis looked a shade paler. "What are neural tube defects?"
"Serious birth abnormalities in the brain and spinal cord development—"
Noctis paled a shade farther.
"—but so long as her nutrition is carefully monitored, there is nothing to fear."
"Right." Noct eyed the bottle of vitamins warily.
"I have also taken the liberty of scheduling regular visits from the Citadel tailors, to ensure that clothes are made throughout to provide accomodation for your… ah…" He waved his hands in the air over his abdomen, indicating a stomach that he certainly didn't possess.
Luna's hand moved unconsciously to rest on her midsection, which was, at this point in time, largely unchanged. At least she had thought it was, before that moment, and now she was wondering. What exactly did Ignis see when he looked at her?
"And I believe you may also need new shoes, in time—but, forgive me, I did not bring any because I was uncertain what size you wear presently."
"New shoes? Why?" Noctis asked.
"When a woman is pregnant, her entire body goes through many changes—which includes a change in foot size," Ignis supplied.
"Wha—? Really? Like forever?" Noct looked from Ignis to Luna and back.
Were they really talking about how big her feet were going to get?
"Yes, it tends to be a permanent change," Ignis said.
Luna smiled, hoping it didn't look as pained as it felt. He was just trying to help, after all. "Thank you, Ignis. I am sure I can manage."
"Wait—" Noctis caught Ignis' arm, though Ignis hadn't made any motion to retreat. "What else happens?"
"There will be many changes, Noctis," Ignis levelled his gaze at Noct. Were they talking about pregnancy, or terminal disease? "In fact, around this time the volume of blood in Luna's body has already begun to increase—which will help to cushion and protect the child—so do not be alarmed if you notice bulging veins, or if she has more frequent nosebleeds. But if she experiences vaginal bleeding you should notify me immediately so that I can call for a doctor. It might be nothing! But it could be a sign of an ectopic pregnancy."
By all that is holy— Luna ran her hands over her face. "Ignis—"
"What's an ectopic pregnancy?" Noctis looked as if Ignis had just said she was going to grow horns and a tail in the next six months.
"An ectopic pregnancy is when the egg implants somewhere outside of the womb, and begins to grow. If it goes unnoticed, it may cause fallopian tube rupture." Ignis, meanwhile, sounded as if that was precisely the news he was breaking to Noct.
Noctis paled, if possible, a shade more. "What's a fallopian tube?"
"A fallopian tube—"
That was quite enough of that conversation.
"Ignis." Luna dropped her hands back to her lap, distinctly aware of how hot her face felt. At least he stopped talking.
"Your Majesty." He bowed. "How insensitive of me. I apologize. I only meant to assure the both of you that these changes are natural and healthy—except the vaginal bleeding—"
"Ignis."
They could stop discussing her anatomy at any time. It would be fine. Really.
Ignis cleared his throat. "Ah. Well, if you experience any blurring of vision, also, that is completely normal—but if it does not clear up within two months of the child's birth it could be a sign of hypertension or diabetes."
Luna sighed and passed her hand over her eyes. He would stop, eventually. Gods, she hoped he would stop.
"What's hypertension?" Noctis was still holding onto Ignis' arm.
"Abnormally high blood pressure," Ignis said without missing a beat. "She may also experience increased clumsiness and lack of coordination—completely natural—" Was he assuring himself, or them? "And also, potentially, a darkening of skin, most commonly around her nipples, areolas, navel, armpits and inner thighs."
If she thought her face was hot before, it was nothing to the burning she felt, now. As much as she wanted to shout at him to shut up, again, the only sound that came out was a squeak. She couldn't muster the will, after that, to look at either of them.
"Eventually—and this is very important, Noctis—the added weight and effort of carrying a baby will take its toll and doubtless cause many aches and muscle pains. You should do whatever you can to alleviate this for her; I've brought you a book—" He reached into the paper bag once more and pulled out a book. Luna hazarded a glance, though she wasn't sure she wanted to, in time to see the title—The Art of Maternity Massage—and promptly buried her face in her hands again.
Noctis took the book and flipped through it. "Right. Okay. Okay. I can do that."
"She may also become more assertive than usual as time goes on, so please, Noct, just be helpful."
She was still sitting in the room. She was still there, right? And they were aware that she was still sitting there, listening to this conversation? Luna checked to make sure that she was, indeed, still present.
She was.
Unfortunately.
"Ah. Also, I have these for you—" The paper bag crinkled again. Luna wasn't sure she wanted to look up, this time. "—Your Majesty—Luna."
She looked up. She immediately wished she hadn't.
Were those… bra pads?
"For leakage of colostrum," Ignis said.
Leakage. Really, Ignis? She gave him a tight, red-faced smile and told herself, yet again, that he was just trying to help.
"What's colostrum?" Noctis had to ask.
"It is a thin, yellowish fluid, which is the precursor to breast milk."
"Ignis!"
Ignis stopped, looked across at her, and—for the second time—seemed to realize what he was talking about and who was present. She didn't even feel bad that he blushed faintly. "Ah—yes. I'm sorry, Your Majesty."
"Noctis, the baby, and I will all be quite alright. I do know something about pregnancy," Luna said.
"Of course." He bowed again.
Someone knocked on the door. A moment later it opened to reveal Regis looking regal in his usual suit—though it was still strange to see him with neither crown nor cape.
"I see Ignis has had the same idea as me."
Gods, she hoped not.
Regis paused just inside the door, glancing over the three of them. His eyes landed on her and he smiled before crossing to give her a kiss on the cheek. "Good morning, my dear. How are you? And how is the little one?"
"Quite little for quite some time yet, I'm afraid." She returned his smile, feeling her face cool to its normal color. Ignis wouldn't start up again, now. Not with Regis in the room.
"That is the way of things." He squeezed her shoulder, then straightened, glancing at Noctis. "Have you two time, this morning? I thought we might take breakfast together."
Noctis stopped flipping through the book in his hands, snapped it shut, and looked up. "Uh, yeah. Sure. That'd be great."
"Then I will withdraw," Ignis said. Thank the Gods. He reached down to pick up his paper bag and Luna sent up a silent prayer that Regis would not follow the motion to the small pile of… gifts that Ignis had brought.
"Ah, I nearly forgot." Ignis reached into the bag again. Luna stopped praying. She stopped breathing. He pulled out a plastic container of… dried fruit? "Dates. To help soften your cervix."
Astrals strike me down.
Luna dropped her face into her hands again and resumed praying for a miracle. They were not doing this. They were not talking about her cervix in front of her husband, their royal advisor, and her father-in-law. Then again… Regis was an intelligent, insightful man—surely he, at least, would notice and put an end to this.
"Ignis…" Regis said slowly.
Luna looked up, hope catching in her throat.
"What is a cervix?"
And came immediately crashing down.
How could he not know?! Her mind screamed. He has a son!
"The cervix is a narrow—"
"Stop." Luna leapt to her feet, her face beet red. "We are not discussing this. Not now. Not in six months. Not ever. Please, just go. All of you."
A stunned silence met her words. The three of them stared at her as if she had sprouted horns and a tail. She wished she had.
Finally, Ignis gave a halting bow. "As you say, Your Majesty."
"What, me, too?" Noctis was still holding the book. She was going to burn it if he ever set it down.
"All of you."
"Come along, Noctis." Ignis took his arm, leading him toward the door. "Remember what I said. Hormones during pregnancy can cause—"
Luna threw the dates at him.
Ignis ducked. They fled; Regis followed close behind, perhaps fearing that she would throw the prenatal vitamins at him if he lingered.
The door shut behind them and Luna dropped back into her chair, exhaling sharply. It was going to be a very long six months.
A/N: I'm not even sorry. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯