The Lord of the Do-Nothings
Act 1
NARRATOR: Three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarves, ...
Oh, let´s just skip the prologue. The others never appear anyway.
In the Shire, Bilbo Baggins is celebrating his 111th birthday.
FRODO: This is half the Shire? I never realized what a small village it was.
Just then, Bilbo vanishes. Gandalf follows him into his home.
GANDALF: I don´t care if you want to go off and get yourself killed, Bilbo, but you need to leave the ring here. I want its – I mean, I need to study it.
BILBO: Oh, right. Then I´ll just leave the artifact of doom with my nephew, who has no idea what it is.
Bilbo leaves and just as Gandalf starts eying the Ring, Frodo comes in.
Some unimportant stuff later, Gandalf comes back.
GANDALF: Big news, Frodo. See those letters if the ring gets hot that somehow no one has ever noticed before? This is The One Ring. (Frodo shrugs.)Oh, you know, the ultimate artifact of evil. Just take it.
FRODO: Why don´t you take it?
GANDALF: They won´t let me – erm, I mean, I am much too powerful for that. We can´t let someone with actual magic solve our problem, now can we? And look, there´s Sam. He´ll just have to accompany you to the elves. Protect him well, Sam.
FRODO (sarcastically): Sure, because an overweight gardener is so suited to being a bodyguard.
They leave the Shire and pick up two more hobbits along the way, while they flee from the Ringwraiths that Gandalf conveniently forgot to mention. They luckily do not meet a crazy old hermit.
In Bree, Frodo tries on the Ring - turns out it clashes horribly with Hobbit fashion - and they encounter Strider.
STRIDER: I´m a friend of Gandalf´s. Trust me. Why would I lie to you?
FRODO: Actually -
STRIDER: See, I´ve saved you from those guys in black. Now follow me. I really want to get back to my girlfriend.
A few scenes later, they finally fight the Nazgul.
FRODO: I thought the Nazgul were blind. Why does it matter if we make a fire? I mean, if they could feel the One Ring or anything… Ouch, that hurts!
After a wild ride to Rivendell, Frodo and Bilbo are reunited and the known races assemble for a Council.
ELROND: No one can use the Ring. We need to destroy it. In that one specific volcano at the heart of the land of evil, naturally. I already know who will be our ringbearer.
FRODO: Why don´t we just send a few of those giant eagles Bilbo told me about?
Everyone glares at Frodo.
ELROND: They´re, uhm, they´re all down with the bird flu. Right.
FRODO: Don´t look at me like that. Fine, I´ll do it.
GANDALF: I´ll accompany you. He notices Elrond´s glare. Together with eight others, naturally! The bigger the party, the more stealth, right?
ELROND to Aragorn: Watch him.
They begin their travels. There is, of course, no other route than through an underground dwarf kingdom perfect for an ambush.
GIMLI: No one´s heard anything from Moria for ages. How could they all be dead? I never would have thought! Maybe the king should have sent someone to investigate after all.
They´re attacked and Gandalf fights with a demon Balrog. He dies in a way we conveniently don´t see his body.
FRODO: But he´s the most powerful wizard in middle-age-earth. Sorry, Middle Earth. What idiot thought of that name? Anyway, can´t he have survived?
ARAGORN: No way. He´s dead. You´re supposed to mourn him. Pause. Pull yourself together, Frodo! We don´t have time for grieving!
Later, despite both parties´ violent disposition, they somehow manage to get captured by Lothlorien´s elves without any blood shed.
CELEBORN: Who did you say they were again?
GALADRIEL: Quick, you have to go! You´re not in the movie! (muttering:) Emancipation my ass! Why do I have to be such a stereotype? To the Fellowship: Welcome, my guests. See you later, Frodo.
This evening. FRODO: See, Gandalf doesn´t want to have the Ring, but you´re almost as powerful. Why don´t you take it and solve this quest already? I´m so tired of being dragged around.
GALADRIEL: I wish I could.
They finally get closer to Mordor. Of course, Boromir´s behavior isn´t suspicious or anything ...
BOROMIR: Sorry, but I´ve somehow decided to be a villain and I need that Ring of yours.
FRODO: I kind of want to give it up, but something tells me this would spell doom for all sentient life everywhere, so nope, sorry.
The Uruk-hai attack. Frodo uses this distraction to slip away.
FRODO: I´ve really had it with this fellowship. A pervert with a girlfriend a hundred times his age, a wannabe thief, two guys who constantly bicker to hide their attraction to each other, two wannabe bad boys, and (sees Sam coming) an overweight gardener who won´t take no for an answer. What did I do to deserve this?