He's sore.
He's sore and he's tired.. but not like in the way he usually is, not mentally, not by life.
He's sore and tired and aching. Physically.
There's a ringing in his ears, but he can still make out voices stirring together in the background. His eyes are closed, but the feeling of losing makes something in his chest free that hasn't been in so long. His eyes feel heavy and under his closed lids he can only make out darkness.
He loves it.
He can't remember a time when it was like this.
When his life wasn't made out of a cycle that all came down to rejection.
Rejected by a world and by love and by life.
Everything around him always goes. Always leaves him.
He can't remember how feelings feel, but he thinks he never really felt anything besides loneliness… and maybe a little love. Love for a girl who misused his black magic all for good causes, and in the end, he ended up cursing. But even then, she was still so capable of love. So brave and curious.
A little love for a little brother he was so keen on.
Later he saw that girl with dead in her eyes, when he found her, after she'd gotten her curse. The same he had. The more precious life is the more it dies. His heart and head had deceived him, because maybe they could walk together now? Together, that had sounded so nice. So… peaceful.
She'd still been so small.
But he kissed her and then her tiny body had been in his arms, neither dead or alive, but never to return. He's certain he's had conversations with her, her illusion magic always seemed to surround him and had seemed conscious. Sometimes he even could anticipate what she was telling him.
But after a while, he couldn't anymore. This had to end. He decided that if the world was so keen on rejecting him, then he would reject the world first.
He thought he knew pain, he thought he knew heartbreak. All of it was in living and being unable to die, while destroying precious things. But then when he had declared war, because all he really wanted was to die but he was so mad, because he couldn't, her big green eyes had sharpened, even though he couldn't technically see it and her soft illusion voice carried to his ears over the wind 'So be it, but Fairy Tail will stop you'. Only then he knew real pain.
Because the person he had never counted rejecting him had rejected him. It threw him off. Maybe it was all a part of her tactics to win this. Even back then. She always had a sharp wit and an even sharper mind.
His head aches and he doesn't think his body can get up again.
Tears stream down his face in happiness.
He opens his eyes and he looks at the sky. The skies he had held so precious, the crispy air that always turned acid once he had walked into it, just to be ironic because he loved them so. Even now, his body can't muster up enough power to set the curse free and a squirrel sits on his chest.
It seems to weigh so much, for such a tiny little thing, but he can't ever remember being so warm.
He's lying in a hole in the ground, regretting all his sins, but hoping that there will be mercy.
Not by God, he can rot in Hell, it doesn't matter. As long as she can forgive him.
Breathing has gotten hard and he relishes in the burn in his chest.
He's never felt so alive.
Animals start to rush to him, staying at the edge of his slightly blurring vision. Natsu's voice reaches him, but he can't make out any words.
''Thank you.'' He whispers instead, a smile on his face and tears of happiness rolling down his cheeks, he's shaking. He doesn't know why, but he loves it anyway. ''Thank you, thank you, thank you.''
He can see the flabbergasted faces of all the guilds that hate him so much, that are letting him suffer like this.
''He doesn't want any of this. He only wants to die.'' A soft voice carries to his ears and he smiles.
''Take me there… Mavis.''
And he breathes his last breath in crispy acid air, smiling in amazement, hoping and praying to any God that at least she can forgive him.
''I've been waiting for you all this time, Zeref. Let's go on an adventure!''