Title: CONVERSATIONS
Author: Brokeback Mountain
Rating: NC-17 FRAO
Warning: Explicit M/M Sex scenes
Disclaimer: These characters belong to Annie Proulx; not me.
Summary: Ennis and Jack make some long distance telephone calls to
each other.
CONVERSATIONS
Ennis sat in his favorite chair, an old leather recliner that was
left in the trailer when he bought it a few months before. He looked
out the window, holding the phone close to his ear, waiting. He
shouldn't be doing this, he knew, but he couldn't put the phone
down. Jack just might answer.
"Your party is on the line, Sir. Go ahead."
"Jack Twist here."
"Hi, friend." he said in a small voice.
"Aaahh, You OK?" Jack's voice sounded worried.
"Yeah. You busy? Can you talk a minute?"
"Sure.You never called me before. You sure everythin's all right?"
"Yeah. I know I shouldn't a called. I was just thinkin 'bout you
and before I knew it, the phone was in my hand and here we are." He
uprighted the recliner and sat rubbing his forehead. "I just...I
don't know. Wanted to hear your voice is all."
"Ennis." he sighed deeply. Just the saying of his name brought both
pleasure and pain. "Maybe I could come up early this time? No need
to wait another two months. Maybe next weekend? You wouldn't have
to take off work or nothin. I could drive up Friday. We'd have
Friday night, all day Saturday and Sunday and I could drive back
Monday."
"No. No. You can't do that. I won't be here. We got a round-up
comin down south. We're leaving Wednesday probably won't be back for
a week or 10 days." His voice trailed off.
The line was silent for a time.
"Today Junior's wedding? How'd it go?"
"Great. They're crazy in love. Can't stand bein apart more 'an a
minute or two." He remembered those same feelings, watching Jack
ride off on his horse, going back to the sheep; that ache inside when
he was out of sight. The long, long wait for dinner and the sound of
the horses hooves bringing him back.
"Good. They should be happy together then." He said, sadness in the
words, envy.
"So what are you doin on this Sunday afternoon?" Ennis asked,
reaching for his cigarettes.
"Oh, nothin much. We got some folks over. We've got the bar-b-cue
goin."
"Oh jeeze. I'm sorry. You got company." He didn't know what to say.
"No. It's OK. Got plenty of time."
"I ain't got nothin to say. I'll let you get back to your friends."
"Ennis..."
"It's OK. Go be with your friends before they miss you. See you in
August?"
"Yeah. Ennis?" a slight pause; "I'm glad you called. Could I call
you sometime?"
"Sure. August then."
"Yeah, August."
The phone clicked and went silent.
He wrenched the cap off the bottle of beer he was holding and took a
long swollow. He hurled the cap towards the trash and watched as it
rolled it's way back behind the kitchen chair. "Fuck it." he said
and sat back down on his bed. He pulled the last cigarette from a
pack, crumpled up the empty container and tossed it. It landed on
top of the over-flowing trash can, then slid it's way down behind.
He leaned back against the headboard, one arm up behind his head. He
thought about taking a shower, cleaning the place up a little, then
decided against it. He closed his eyes and thought about being up on
Brokeback Mountain, that summer so long ago. He remembered going to
Jack that night in the tent, hat in hand. He didn't know what to
expect. He just knew he had to go in there. He remembered that
first kiss. He didn't want it. Didn't want it at all. But then it
happened and it was so good; so much better than he ever imagined.
It wasn't like kissing Alma; nothing at all like that. With Jack,
it took his very breath away and left him begging for more. He was
still a little embarrassed by that, the begging he so clearly
remembed; how he clung to Jack and begged for more. Jack never
teased him about it; seemed like he needed 'more' as much as he did.
He was lost in beautiful memories when the phone rang and startled
him back to reality.
"Hello?" he was annoyed at being disturbed.
"Hey, Cowboy, what'cha doin?"
"Hey, yourself, Bud. Good to hear your voice." He swung his legs
over the side of the bed and sat up, griping the phone.
"I miss you." Jack's voice wavered.
"Me too."
"You alone?" Jack asked, praying he was.
"Uh huh. Always am." Sad but true fact.
"Wish I was there with you." Jack put his feet up on his desk and
leaned back in his chair.
"Six more weeks." Ennis said looking up at the calendar he'd been
marking the days off.
"That's too damn long, Ennis. Can't I come up there before then?"
"Jack, you know how I feel about it."
"Ennis...I need you. I need to be with you. Please. Pick a
weekend. I'll fly up."
"You know I want to, Bud...It's just too dangerous." Not the words
he wanted to say but he said them none-the-less.
"Hell, I don't care. Ennis? Don't you ever...just...I guess not."
His heart ached to be with Ennis but it was also full of fear. Fear
that Ennis would end it if he pushed him too hard or let him know how
much he really did care.
"You still there?" Ennis asked.
"Yeah." He had to get control of himself. He shouldn't have
called. He knew what the answer was before he asked the question.
"I'm sorry, Bud. Sorry as I can be." He knew he'd hurt Jack again;
could hear it in his voice.
"OK then. See you in August." He had to hang up while he was still
in control.
"Yeah. August."
Jack's postcard said the l6th. 12 days to go. He crossed out
another day on his calendar, got ready for bed. This time he cleaned
up. Took a shower, brushed his teeth, shaved, ran his fingers
through his hair. He might call Jack tonight. It was his turn.
What would he do if Lureen answered the phone? What would he
say. "Sorry wrong number"? Yeah. He could do that. That would
sound believable.
He sat on the edge of his bed and held the phone in his lap for a
while. This dirty old dial phone his had found at a church rummage
sale, his only link to Jack; didn't seem right somehow. He caressed
the receiver and thought about Jack. He wanted so much to talk with
him, but didn't know to say; didn't want to hurt him again. He sat
the phone back down on the small bedside table. Don't want to hurt
him. Can't.
He laid down and let his thoughts wander over precious moments alone
with Jack. That second night in the tent when Jack taught him things
he had never even imagined. Things he'd only heard about in
whispers; talked about in dirty jokes; hinted about from time to
time in bars, strangers giving each other knowing glances, snickering.
How could something so wonderful be so wrong?
He thought about Alma. She was sweet and good but being with her;
well it was nice but it wasn't Jack. Cassie was nice but all he did
was hurt her too. He didn't want them; either of them. They were
just there and they wanted him and so it happened. It wasn't going
to happen again. He'd see to that. He'd just take care of his needs
by himself and wait for Jack. Jack was all he needed. All he
wanted.
He slid his hand down inside his shorts and rubbed himself. Thoughts
of Jack always did this to him. Made him want to be touched, held.
The phone rang and he jumped and grabbed it.
"Hello" he grumbled, upset at being disturbed at this particular
moment.
"Hey, Friend. It's me. I been sittin here hopin this ole phone
would ring and since it didn't, well, thought I'd see if maybe you
was still awake."
"Jack...It's good to hear you. I thought about callin..."
"Decided not to?"
"Been markin off the days...Can't wait to see you." He couldn't say
the things he wanted to.
"Hey, I got us a new tent? It's bigger. New sleeping bags too.
Keep us warmer." Jack couldn't say what he wanted to either.
"We never had no trouble stayin warm once we got together." Ennis
answered with a grin.
"That's for sure!" He held his breath, Ennis still wanted him!
"I was layin here thinking 'bout you." Ennis squeezed himself again.
"You're in bed? Wish I was there with you." Jack put his feet down,
elbow on the desk, hand rubbing the front of his jeans.
"Yeah? Why?" He asked innocently.
"There'd be no need for you to be 'handlin' things by yourself."
Jack knew what Ennis was doing. He knew because he was doing it too.
"What makes you think I'm doin that?" Something about the fact that
Jack knew he was rubbing himself, made it all that more exciting.
"Cause your voice is gettin lower, almost a whisper. Like when we're
alone together." He undid his jeans and slipped his hand inside,
pulled it out.
"Can't help the way I talk." His sentences were becoming shorter,
like his breath.
"I was thinkin. You remember that night you came into the tent? You
know which time I mean?"
"Uh huh." He knew. It wasn't the first time they had had sex. It
was the first time they had made love.
"I think 'bout that night a lot. That night and that other one at the
motel, when we first got together after four years. You remember
that?" He was full-fledged hard now and the combination of the
rubbing and Ennis's voice excited him beyone belief.
"Uh huh. I remember I tore your shirt. Couldn't get you undressed
fast enough." He could hear Jack gasp in the phone.
"I remember. Thought you were going to pound me through that
mattress that night." He was breathless, his hand moving faster.
"Did my best." He could hardly breathe. Couldn't talk much; wanted
to hear Jack's voice.
"Sure did. Oh, man..." Heavy breathing. "Wish I had you in my
mouth right now." It was barely a whisper.
"Jack...Jack...I.. ooohhh shit,...Jack fuckin
Twist...oooohhhhh." he came all over his hand then.
"Ennis...need you,,,,touch you...taste you..." The thought of
tasting Ennis, hearing him gasping on the phone, tipped him over and
he lost it underneath his desk.
"You son of a bitch!" Ennis gave a husky chuckle.
"I do somethin wrong?" Jack answered, catching his breath and looking
for something to clean himself up with.
"You know damn well what you did! And I'm gonna get you back on the
16th."
"Hmmm. I'd better be prepared then. Maybe get all greased up before
you get there."
"You better bring a lot of that greasy stuff cause we're gonna need
it."
"I'll see if it comes in one of them 55gallon drums. How 'bout
that? Think that'll be enough?" He laughed.
"Ought to be. At least enough for a few days. After that,...well
we might have to think of something else."
"Can't hardly wait to see you, Friend."
"Me too."
"See you soon?"
"Countin the days."
"Night Ennis."
"Night Jack."
September l
Ennis dumped the case of beer on the counter and flipped quickly
through the mail. Two bills, he tossed onto the cupboard the rest
was trash. It was late and he was tired after a long work week. All
he wanted was a shower, and his bottle opener.
The phone rang. He grabbed it absent-mindedly, digging through the
kitchen drawer for the opener.
"Hello?"
"Hello, my Friend. Just wanted to let you know my ass is still sore!"
"Jack! Oh my God. Really? I'm sorry." He stopped the rummaging
around and sat down at his small kitchen table.
"Nah. Not really. Just rememberin and it's so damn good, sometimes
I can actually feel it. How 'bout you? Sore?"
"Nah." He opened a bottle of beer and gulped some down.
"What'scha doin? I get you at a bad time?" Jack asked.
"Just thristy. Weekend's here. Got nothin better to do. Gonna get
drunk."
"I got some shit-ass function I gotta go to. Gonna get some award
for sellin the most machinery in the district. Gotta smile nicely,
say thank you, all that crap."
"Sounds like you're doin all right?" Ennis was worried about him.
He didn't sound all that happy.
"Yeah. Only reason I'm goin is I get another nice big fat check.
I'm gettin a lot saved up, Friend. Gonna buy that place one of these
days."
"Don't seem all that happy 'bout it." He lit a cigarette, inhaled
deeply.
"Don't like playin the dutiful husband in front of everybody. Gotta
hold her hand, keep my arm round her, smilin at every body. It's all
a lie. That's my life, Ennis. Few days, coupla times a year, it's
bliss; rest of the time it's shit. Pretendin; so's no body knows
that I'd really rather be with you; up there in that little tent,
wrapped up in those sleepin bags, breathin in your air."
Ennis gasped at the pain he heard in Jack's voice. He never really
thought how difficult this situation was for Jack. Only thought
about himself.; his fears, his frustration.
"Jack...I'm sorry."
"No. Don't be. It's OK." He took a deep breath and got himself
under control. "I didn't call you to dump on you. I just wanted to
tell you that I'm thinking 'bout you. Let you know, how much I
enjoyed our trip."
"Me too." He didn't know what to say. He couldn't help himself; how
could he help Jack?
"Gotta go. They're callin for me." Jack stood to leave.
"OK. Miss you, Bud." Ennis said.
"Yeah. Yeah. See you."
Ennis dialed the nunber, getting his "Sorry, wrong number" all ready
in case Lureen answered. Dial tone rang twice, three times and she
answered. "Hello?"
Shit! Damn it all to hell! "Jack Twist, please"; he decided to go
for it. He hadn't talked to Jack in weeks and he needed to hear that
voice; that sweet wonderful voice, breathing in his ear.
"Sorry, he's outta town. This about that new combine comin in next
week?" She asked, business as usual.
"Yeah...I changed my mind. You can tell him...No. I'll tell him.
When's he due back?" He played the game.
"Should be back tomorrow. You want me to have him call you?" Never
let a sale slip by.
"I'm kinda in and out. I'll call him back. Thanks." he hung up the
phone. He was really getting good at all this lying and he hated
it. He could see his momma standing there, hands on hips, shaking
her head. "You only make more trouble for yourself when you lie,
Ennis." It was the truth, he knew it and the knowing of it hurt even
more.
Damn. Where was he? If he was out of town, there would be no reason
why he couldn't be callin here. Maybe he took a little trip down to
Mexico! Maybe out tom-cattin 'round! Whisperin those sweet words
into someone else's ear!
He was working himself into a state, beside himself with jealousy.
Where was he? It was after l0 PM. No way was he out on business.
Had to be with someone. He paced the floor, cursing. Whoever it
was, wasn't giving him what he did. Nobody knew Jack like he did.
Nobody knew all those special places that made Jack wiggle and squeal
with delight; nobody but him. He kicked the trash can out of his
way, spewing garbage around the room.
He got drunk that night, threw up, pissed on himself. Woke up only
long enough to get another beer, cursing Jack with every step.
Stayed drunk most of the next day as well. Monday showed up for work
like a zombie. Kept his mouth shut, did his work and went home. One
day blurred into the next. He sent off the usual postcard with the
date for their meeting in November and waited; still no word.
Things were not good at work either. The owner had taken ill and
had put the place up for sale. He would be moving to his daughter's
home in Ohio. Didn't know what was going to happen to the ranch. He
was probably going to be out of work shortly. His need for cash was
not what it once was as both girls were now of age and there were no
more child-support payments. He had moved into this little trailer
and was doing maintenance around the trailer park so his rent was
small. He had saved a little but did not look forward to be out job
hunting again. He had worked at Cole's ranch now for the last seven
years; didn't know of any place that was hiring. This was a bad
time of year to be looking for work.
Monday morning he was met by Mr. Cole waiting for him as he drove up
to work.
"Mornin, Ennis." He smiled at him. "Come on in, have a cup of
coffee with me." They walked into the kitchen and sat down. He had
a real bad feeling about this. He usually didn't take coffee with
the bossman, kept a thermos in his truck.
Mr. Cole sat two mugs of coffee down on the table and sat across from
him. "I sold the place yesterday. New owner's gonna take over end
of the week. My girl Shelby and her husband's gonna come over and
help me pack up. Leavin most of this stuff. Got no use for it. New
guy, seems like a good man. I told him about you and he say's he'd
like to talk with you about stayin on."
That brightened him up a bit. Though he wasn't anxious about working
for someone new. It wasn't exactly like he had a choice here. If he
didn't like the guy, he could always quit. He had enough in savings
to make it through the winter. He ought to be able to find something
come spring. Things weren't all that bad.
"Thanks. Appreciate it. He from Riverton?"
"No. He's from up north of here. Lightning Flat. Seemed real
nice. Like he got some money he could put in the place. You know
this place ain't all that bad. Just needs a little fixin up.
Shoulda done more myself. My heart just wasn't in it after Marianne
passed. It'll be good being with the kids and grandkids." He didn't
notice the shock in Ennis's face.
They talked a few minutes more but he couldn't remember what was
said. His mind was blank. He could hardly wait to get back to his
truck.
Someone from Lightning Flat had bought the place! It couldn't be
him. No way. He spent the day arguing with himself. Numb. Mind
out of control; running back and forth from "No way, it can't be him"
to "It's got to be him"! He'd have to wait till Friday to find out.
That's when the new owner was to take over. It had to be him! No.
It couldn't be. He was still arguing with himself when he pulled up
in front of his trailer. A brand new pickup was sitting there. He
sat and stared at it for a time. Looked around franticly; nobody
around. He got out of his truck and walked over to the new one
stepped up on the step and looked inside. Someone was asleep on the
seat; someone with wavy dark brown hair. A black cowboy hat sat on
the dash.
Something inside him burst into bloom. He yanked the door
open, "Jack fuckin Twist!" He pulled Jack upright, flooded with
relief, happiness and fear all warring with each other.
"Huh? Oh hi." He roused from his sleep and grabbed his hat as Ennis
dragged him from the cab of his truck and into the trailer. Ennis
locked the door behind them and grabbed Jack's face, brought their
mouths together in a fierce kiss.
"What the hell you doin here?" he asked when it was necessary to
break the kiss for air.
"Aaaa We gotta talk." Jack pulled him over to the kitchen table to
sit down. "I got somethin to tell you. Hope you won't be mad."
"Would that somethin have anythin to do with Cole's ranch?" Ennis
grinned at him.
"You know?" Jack asked, tongue going to the corner of his mouth.
"You bought that place?" He was still in a state of shock.
"Uh huh. Is that OK with you?" He searched the dark eyes for any
sign that he might have overstepped things.
"That depends. You gonna keep me on? Or do I need to start lookin
for work?" He reached across the table and took Jack's hand.
Jack grabbed Ennis's hand in both of his, looking down at them. "I
couldn't stand it one more minute. I called a real estate guy I know
and asked him to look for a place for me here in Wyoming. Didn't
think anythin would happen so soon but he called me the very next day
and said there was this place near Riverton that had just gone on the
market; hadn't even been shown before. I checked it out and found
out it was the Cole place. I bought it on the spot. Practically
stole it. Had enough to pay half down; the rest stretched out in
payments over the next 20 years. Got plenty left over for
improvements; whatever you think needs to be done with the place.
It's got a four bed-room house on it; he said it needs some fixin but
we can do that." He had to look up at him then; see how he was taking
it all.
Ennis pulled Jack's hands up to his lips and kissed them. The backs
first, then turning them over and kissing the palms. He couldn't
speak. He stood abruptly. "I need a shower." and walked back into
the sleeping area and pulling clean clothes out of drawers. He
stopped at the bathroom door, leaning his forehead against the door.
Jack came to him, slid his arms around him, leaned his head against
Ennis's.
"I'm pretty gamey myself. Mind if I join you?" It was barely more
than a whisper.
Ennis turned around and crushed him in his arms. He couldn't hold it
back any longer. The tears came then, first in little gasps and
gulps, then full out sobs. Jack held him, kissing away the tears,
murmuring sweet little things to him. "It's all right, darlin. I
promise you. I promise myself to you, Ennis. No one else. Ever.
Just you and me, my love. You and me." He was crying now too.
"You...you love me?" Ennis pulled back, blinking to clear his
vision. He had to see those eyes. He had to see what Jack was
saying.
"I've loved you since Brokeback. Always been scared to tell
you, 'fraid you might run me off." He smiled that crooked smile.
"Didn't...know...that." He clung to him, tears still threatening.
"We never said the words, Ennis. But it was always there." he wiped
the tears from under Ennis's eyes with his thumbs.
"I'm scared, Jack. You know how I feel about this." His voice
wavered.
"I know. I know. We'll play this any way you want to. I told you
once before, a long time ago, it ain't nobody's business but ours.
Whatever you want to tell folks, I'll go along with." He kissed him
a short sweet kiss on the lips. "I know I probably shoulda talked
with you 'bout this, but it came up so fast. I had to jump on it
before someone else bought the place."
"What are we gonna do? How you see this playin out?" His fear a
palpable thing between them.
"First of all, I think we should shower. Then we can talk. We got
all the time in the world now to talk." He kissed Ennis's tear-
stained cheek, rubbing noses together.
"That's one thing we never had, is it?" Ennis said, "Just the time
to sit and talk." He wiped his tears with the back of his hand.
"Well, we did have time together, but we didn't waste a whole lot of
it on talkin." Jack smiled and pulled his shirt loose from his
jeans, unsnapped it and dropped it on the floor.
Ennis pulled him into the bathroom. In seconds they were naked and
under the shower soaping each other up.
"Don't know how this can possibly work..." Ennis said soaping Jack
down his chest and taking a long time on his genitals.
"You don't know how that works? Just keep rubbin them soap suds all
over it and I'll show you."
Ennis chuckled and went to his knees, turning Jack so that the water
rinsed him off.
"I think I remember." he placed his cheek against the half-hard
shaft. Jack let out a little moan. "Don't worry." Ennis assured
him. "I'll keep practicin till I get it right."
THE END