Eternal SailorM (Omi)
What is going on in this fucked-up mind of mine?
I mean, if anyone had told me a week ago that I'd be fighting with Schwarz instead of against them, I'd have shot him. Hells, if anyone had told me I'd be following Mastermind of all people around like a little, lost, love-sick puppy, I'd have left him begging to die. But now... Now, it seems like Schuldig is all I can think about, all that concerns me is his well-being, his happiness. I'd rather that be with me, but if Moira-neesan is who he needs to be happy, then... then...
I can't even think it. I mean, he kinda admitted he cares for me, in an odd fashion, as his drug, his personal drug. I like being around him. I like saying his name, no matter how hard it is for my tongue, accustomed to Japanese, to force it out; hells, I can't even spell it! But... Does he realize how I feel about him? I mean, he's been in my mind. I know he knows I'd follow him into hell if he asked. He's seen that I'm willing to fight my old teammates with him.
And speak of Weiss, how I'd love to get my hands on Siberian. All he did to Schuldig... not to mention the concussion he gave me and the nice gash on my throat that made the nurse have fits, but I'm incidental; it doesn't matter what he did to me. But he hurt Schuldig so badly! I didn't realize how badly till we got out of the Koneko. I mean, I knew it was bad, but I didn't know how bad! Even now, I can't hold back a shiver remembering all that blood.
Then there's Abyssinian... In my heart, I had been severely wishing I could kill him. On some level, I know I got used before, but it was... nice, I suppose. At the time, I thought that that was what caring was about, just intimacy; now, I suppose there was no more caring in those acts than in my killing someone, maybe less.
I keep wanting to tell him how I fee. I know he doesn't like love, but I bet his ego would love the fact I worship him. I want so badly to let him know how I feel about him, but things keep coming up. I mean, I know how precarious life can be, especially an assassin's life, but... things just keep stopping me.
It's silly, but I worry so much and I get so possessive. That'll probably be the quickest way for me to lose him... Listen to me, talking like he's mine. I do but wish. He said he wanted to protect me; that'll have to do.
I've always had this theory, you see, and it's always served me pretty well. I mean, I was taught a thousand and one ways to kill a man twice my height and weight when he has a weapon and I don't, but no one showed me even the basics of day-to-day life. So I developed this theory during my early years with Kritiker: "See. Want. Take." It served me well whenever I went shopping in my early days, even into my days with Weiss. Even worked with Abyssinian a bit, thought the extent of the "taking" there would be debatable.
With Schuldig, though, I'm at a complete loss. Definitely have the first two parts down in abundance, but the third lies far beyond my reach. I mean, what am I to him? A project? A toy? A pet? A convenient means of cheap entertainment? I could scare myself thinking if I keep this up. He's nice to me, talks to me, not like I'm a little kid, like everyone else has, but like... like... I'm his equal, a confidante, almost like he trusts me. Silly, isn't it? Is that what this caring thing is about then? Equality and trust? Gods know I trust him...
I don't think he's listening now. Maybe that's why I can say what I want to say...
I worship you. And I'll be everything you want... Fight beside you... You are my god. And I'll do anything you say... Be yours forever... If you tell me you love me.
But that won't happen. I keep wussing out. I want what - or rather, who - is right beside me, finally getting some decent sleep it seems.
Gods, what a week it has been. First it seems someone got me kidnapped into Schwarz, then it turns out to be the best thing that's ever happened to me. I find the big sister I've always wanted in Moira-neesan, and she kissed me in that nice was that Ouka did that means "It's all right. You don't have to worry." Then I summoned up the nerve from some place I'd never known I had and kissed Schuldig. I didn't know I had it in me! And when he held me against him... I know i was just mental and it was all in my head - more or less literally - but it was so nice to just be held, no violence, no death, not even the vague promise of sex, just me and another person. I never realize how nice something so simple could be. So I'm a cuddler; get over it.
Yes, I know Prodigy is the standing favourite. Something about him just doesn't sit well with me. I know everyone, even Moira-neesan and to some extent, Schuldig, thinks he and I are the perfect couple or something, but I don't think I can like him that way. There's something almost puppy dog-like about the way he stares at me and follows me around. He looks at me with pure adoration one minute then like he's waiting on me to kick him the next. I can't deal with Prodigy and keep what remains of my mind.
But for now, I think I'll just keep laying here, sleeping in his arms in my mind and with one of his arms thrown over me in my physical body. So maybe I am the perfect size for cuddling, another advantage of being so short. I want to move closer, but I'm worried about reopening his wounds. So I'll just go to sleep here and damn the consequences. I don't really care what Prodigy thinks anyway...
Or you either, Omi...
9 March 2002
And here it is: a little glimpse into how Bombay thinks. We all knew he was a little psycho and here's the proof. *grins*