A/N so this is a one shot, unless I'm asked otherwise. It's set post ep 5x24, I know it's real late, but I'm a new FanFiction writer, and I re-watched the episode the other day and I wrote this mainly because I really don't like Jake Berkeley, hiphuggers all the way!
X
Time just seemed to slow as her eyes met his, a connection she so wished she'd never had, because as those doors closed it felt like the weight of the world had been put on her shoulders. The pain in his eyes had been unmistakable, a pain so harsh that just through meeting his eyes she felt like she'd been ripped open too. The doors closed, severing the connection, but the guilt still hit her, hard. It was as though a block of ice had been dropped in her stomach, it sent goose bumps all over her body, and not the good kind.
She wanted to take the easy option, the option that would protect her heart from the possibility of being broken beyond repair. The easy option was here, leading her to his car. Yet it didn't feel easy now, in one look it had become the most difficult decision of her life. She could go home with him now, he'd make shallow compliments, that may be shallow, but would make her feel a little better. He'd take her to bed and they'd have mindless sex, but she wouldn't complain because it was the release she needed. He wouldn't take her out, and she wouldn't mind because she wouldn't have to bother with false pretences. Then he'd leave, and she'd be ok, because her heart was never with him anyway.
And that was where the problem lied. Her heart. She knew what it wanted, what it craved with every beat. But her head told it over and over again, it's too dangerous, protect yourself. Only this time protecting herself was not only hurting her, it was breaking him too. Could she really do that do him?
She was in a trance as she let herself be lead from the car to his apartment in the pouring rain. Everything about him was driving her mad, the way his hand was hovering dangerously close to her ass, the way he took her here without even asking, the way he threw her bag on the seat, no care for what could be in it. She was so angry, because as he bent down to kiss her again, all she saw was Eric's face.
All she could imagine was him, she knew he'd always ask before he did anything, wouldn't take her for granted, would actually care about her, not her ass and breasts. Jake didn't even seem to notice as every muscle in her body screamed that she wanted away from him. Everything about this was wrong, she couldn't take the easy way out not this time.
"Come to Antigua with me Baby."
His head was dangerously close to her ear, he grabbed her wrist to lead her to his bedroom. He thought that he could just take her to bed and it infuriated her, all she could do was compare him to Eric, it was mean to him, but it was true, although she'd never been with Eric, she just knew he'd never take her to bed without her permission first.
"No. I'm not going to bed with you Jake, I'm not going to go with you to Antigua. Hook up with a girl there, after all that's what you'd do anyway."
For no real reason other than that her heart was aching for someone else, she was mad, absolutely furious. She knew it was mean to him, it wasn't all his fault, but at the same time it was, he broke her heart the first time, and she never let him know that, he was the reason she wouldn't let Eric in.
"Ah, Babe, don't be like that."
The endearment that slipped through his lips added fuel to her burning fire, he had no right to call her Babe. It sounded so sleazy as it rolled off is tongue. She couldn't bear to hear him say it again.
"No, you have no right to call me Babe, so don't, just don't."
"What's gotten into you Cal?"
There it was again, another nickname, only that name belonged to Eric, no one, and I mean no one else called her Cal, she wouldn't let them, it was like him calling her Lamp Chop, it was just wrong.
"Nothing, nothings gotten into me, I just can't, shouldn't be here."
"Then why are you? You kissed me remember, let me take you here, what else was I supposed to think?"
"Why am I here? Because you took me, didn't ask, just took me here, just expected me to fall into bed with you. Do you really think that little of me?"
"You know I don't. I'm sorry, but you were just yummy and I couldn't resist you."
The smirk on his face was making her want to climb the walls, the arrogant asshole. Did he really think that cocky flattery would make her roll into his bed?
"I am not a piece of food! I refuse to be seen as nothing more than an achievement so you can go around boasting that you got me into bed. I do not want the details of my sex life floating around PD... Do you know what? Go to hell Jake Berkeley."
It was harsh, she knew it was, but she also knew that she could not stand to been seen as a trophy. She virtually ran out of his apartment. She didn't care that she had no car, she didn't care that it was pouring with rain. She just knew that there was one place that she had to, needed to be.
She walked, virtually ran. Rain soaking her clothes, tears streaming down her face, she knew she looked a mess, she didn't care. She just had to get there, she didn't know what to do or say when she did, but all that mattered at the moment was that she had to be there. Apologise, tell him that she hated herself for doing it. Functioning on autopilot she navigated the streets of Miami until she reached her destination.
He'd gone home and decided to wallow in self pity. Wearing old sweats and his old Miami Dolphins t-shirt he sat on the sofa with a beer and a football game. It did nothing to help keep his mind at bay though. Over and over again he mentally kicked himself, why hadn't he just plucked up the courage? He'd lost her now, and he felt like he'd lost everything. He couldn't blame her, how was she supposed to know that he was desperately in love with her when he hadn't even admitted it to himself until now. And now there was nothing he could do about it, he couldn't run after her shouting that he loves her, she would probably shoot him. That made him laugh, a half hearted unhappy laugh, the vision of him chasing her down the street professing his love, then she would pull a gun out of her purse and shoot him before he could say 'I love you' again.
If he was honest that seemed like a pretty good idea right now, have her shoot him. At least he'd die relatively happy, he'd have gotten to tell her he loves her, then out of all the ways possible to die, having Calleigh Duquesne shoot you is a pretty good way to go. A knock at the door interrupted his wallowing, he was good and ready to beat the crap out of whoever it was, until he looked through the peephole to see the last person he ever expected.
A sodden, tear stained, Calleigh was stood at his front porch, completely soaked to the bone, teeth chattering, make-up running and all he could do was stare. He had no idea what to say to her, and she no idea what to say to him. Quickly his shock at seeing her was outweighed by the growing concern, she was dripping wet and shivering, she needed to be warm or else she'd catch pneumonia.
"Come in, you must be freezing."
He beckoned her in and she robotically followed his command. She stood there as he dashed to the bathroom to retrieve a large fluffy towel and wrap it around her. She snuggled into it, it was soft and warm, and smelt of Eric.
"You should take a shower, it'll make you feel better. There's some of my sister's clothes you can borrow."
She nodded, let him lead her to the bathroom, she seemed to have lost the ability to speak, she had no idea why she came here, his kindness despite the pain she inflicted upon him, confused her more than any crime she'd ever solved. The way he lead her was nothing like the way Jake did, it was soft, his hand was just resting on her arm innocently, there was no double meaning behind it, there was no possessiveness, just kindness. He turned on the water, told her to wait while he got his sister's clothes. That meant a lot to her, she knew Jake would've just barged in while she was in the shower. He came back with a pile of clothes, underwear and all.
"Sorry, I didn't have her top, so I got you one of mine, I hope you don't mind."
He was asking if it was ok that he offered her a change of clothes instead of her dripping wet one's. It bought the tiniest of smiles to her lips, and she managed to choke out the first words she'd spoken.
"Thank you."
"It's ok, just put your wet clothes outside the door and I'll put them in the laundry."
She gave a small nod and smile, he gave her a brief smile back, before leaving and closing the door behind him. She felt safe to get in the shower, she trusted that he would never walk in on her unless absolutely necessary, and even if he did, wouldn't take advantage of her. It was a trust that she had in no one else. She did as he said, put her wet clothes outside the bathroom door, except her underwear because putting her lacy black bra and panties outside was a little embarrassing. She climbed in the shower and let the hot water calm her enough to gather her thoughts.
Eric on the other hand was having a very hard job getting his thoughts together. Why had she just appeared at his door? Why wasn't she with Jake? Why was she so upset? What was it that was bothering her? She'd seemed so worried, scared almost, like she was here in body but not in mind. It worried him. He listened to the water of the shower to help calm him, he had no idea what to say or do when she came out. He busied himself by making her some tea, at least it would give him something relevant to say for at least a few seconds.
He heard the water shut off and he knew that in a minute he'd have to say or do something, but he really had no clue what, he didn't know what had happened or why she was here, he was stumped. She came out the bathroom, hair wet, in his shirt and his heart did a little flutter. 'For crying out loud' he told himself 'she's taken, clearly. Will you please stop being in love with her.' Nope that wasn't going to happen any time soon.
"I made you some tea."
He stated the obvious but it was really all that he knew to say.
"Thank you."
She sipped it and they lapped into silence, neither knowing how to start a conversation, but both knowing they needed to. She got a hold of herself first, reminded herself why she was here.
"I'm sorry."
It came out as a whisper, barely audible, but it rang like bells in his head. She was apologising for his stupidity.
"You have no need to be sorry."
"No need to be sorry?" she nearly squeaked. "I saw you Eric. I know what I did."
"But would we still be in this position if I'd have come to you before?"
"I would still have tried to take the easy way out."
Her voice was almost silent, the look on her face, she looked so guilty, like she'd done some unspeakable crime. It ripped his heart apart just that little bit more. Despite the fact that he had no clue what she meant, he felt that he did. He didn't speak, but the look on his face made her feel she needed to explain. Only she wasn't sure how.
"Promise me one thing." She asked
He nodded unsure of what she was really asking.
"You won't leave if I tell you."
He nodded again, and despite the fact he never vocalised any promise she believed him.
"I was scared, I am scared. I... You were there but you seemed so far out of reach. I wanted to, but I felt I had to protect myself. Jake, Jake's the easy route, we could be together for weeks, months, then when he leaves I would still be ok."
He still didn't quite understand what she meant. If Jake was the easy route why was she here now.
"I was ready to take it, take the easy way out. Then I saw you. In one look you changed everything." She said it almost in disbelief. "Everything he did infuriated me, every step I took away from you made me scream even harder to go back. Everything I did made me think what if? What if I wasn't going home with him? What if I was going home with you? What if it was your car I was getting in to? What if it was you that asked me to go to Antigua?"
It suddenly clicked in his head what she was actually saying, she wanted to give him a chance, but she was scared. A knee jerk reaction made him cover her hand with his and rub circles with his thumb.
"Prove me wrong. I need you to prove to me that this wasn't the wrong decision, that for the first time going with your head isn't always best."
She needed the reassurance that he wasn't going to leave, wasn't going to shatter her heart beyond repair, because if she gave into this, she knew that she's be in too deep to stop the damage. If she gave into this, he had her heart, and with that came the power to rip it to shreds with just the slightest touch.
He moved until he was stood in front of her.
"Calleigh, I'm going to do whatever it takes to prove you wrong. I'm not ever going to let you go. Today I thought I'd lost you, it was the worst pain I'd ever felt. I can't ever go through that again. You're the world to me Calleigh, and if proving that to you means never letting go, it will be the easiest thing I've ever done."
She smiled a genuine smile, and it seemed too good to be true, she'd broken his heart, gone home with another man, turned up on his doorstep, soaking wet and crying, but he'd still welcomed her in, not said a word about this morning until she'd bought it up. He'd just been there. She was worried he had no idea what he was letting himself into.
"I'm annoying you know that, I take too long in the shower, I'm a control freak, I'm too organised, I get annoyed when things aren't in their place, I can't stand people wearing shoes on my carpet, I insist on having a gun next to my bed, I clean guns when I'm stressed, I mean who does that?"
She was babbling and she knew it but she couldn't stop it. He was smiling a little, but yet it didn't annoy her. He silenced her by putting a finger to her lips.
"Shh. You're perfect."
He said it with the utmost conviction and it made her want to melt right there. It seemed the most amazing compliment she'd ever had, by anyone else it would have seemed shallow and pathetic, almost corny, but from his mouth it was just as he'd said. Perfect.
She reached up and pressed her lips to his. It was as she'd imagined so many times before, but it was a million times better. His lips were soft, and he was so gentle, so caring. She felt complete.
Here, now, she knew this was exactly where she should be, her heart had proven her head wrong. Taking the easy route just wasn't an option.