Fic Title: Starting Over (5, 327 words)
Author: Moonpattern
Fandom: CSI
Pairing: Grissom/Sara
Date: November 2004
Feedback: I'll take feedback
Rating: (R sexual references/violence/mature subjects)
Disclaimer: "This is not meant to be taken as true, I make no $$$ . . .")
Summary: Everyone gets a chance to start over, even G/S
Dedications: Thanks to my friends Theresa and Amy for urging me on and the website people for the encouragement.
The caseload was overwhelming, for all of them. It seemed more people died in Vegas in the summer than any other time. It was even harder with having to fill in for other shifts away on leave. It was a stressful time of year for everyone. You combine the stress with lack of sleep and the heat of Las Vegas and you have a hot heated melting pot of sorts.
"What part of I am tired don't you understand!" Sara spat at Nick, who was prodding her to finish up the case. "I have been over it twenty million times and I can't find anything new, maybe if I go home and get some sleep I will have a fresh start."
"Sara, you want to sleep? You have got to be tired!"
"I told you I was!"
"I need you all in the break room, now!" Grissom stated as he walked up near his crew, "We have a high profile case, I need you all to work it, and the sheriff wants everyone to be involved and spares no expense with overtime."
"Jeez Griss," Sara stated, "We are all overtired, cranky and we need some sleep, and now you want us all to work overtime, is there no end to this, with the heat and the stress, we are all ticking time bombs."
"Sara, it is not my choice, if you need some time off, request it!"
"That's not the point Grissom! It's not just me, this is unfair treatment of your staff, most of us haven't slept in days already and now you want us to work even more!" Her voice trailed off as she walked away...angry.
Grissom left the rest with that and ran after Sara.
"Sara," he started as he approached her, "Is there something you want to talk about?"
"Grissom, you don't care about us any way so why should I talk to you!"
Sara walked to the locker room and leaned over the sink and began to splash cold water on her face. Grissom followed her in.
"Grissom, are you aware you are in the ladies locker room?" Sara asked picking her head up from under the sink.
"I'm not gonna let you get away without talking to me, lets go see what we can find out about this case and when it is all done, Sara, we will get together and talk, would that be alright?"
"Grissom, don't pretend you care, I know you don't!"
"Sara, I do care, it's !"
"Save it Griss! I've worked with less sleep, lets get cracking so we can get this solved."
With that Sara left the locker room and joined her crew back in the break room. Grissom followed behind her.
"Alright Griss, tell us about our high profile case." Catherine piped in.
"Ok, we got the Mayor's daughter raped and murdered and left in her parent's room, her parents were away for the weekend and came home to find their daughter brutally murdered and left in their bed."
"Cath, I want you to do blood spatter, from what I was told there is a lot in that house, Nicky, I want you on the perimeter, with Greg, show him how it is done, Warrick, you talk to the neighbors, see if they heard anything, and Sara, you are with me in the bedroom, we have got to get moving."
Sara wondered if he noticed the look she gave him when he said that sexual innuendo. She brushed it off and walked with the rest of them to their vehicles. She drove with Grissom, Nick with Greg and Catherine with Warrick. The drive over was quiet, Grissom was busy analyzing things in his head and barely realizing that Sara was sitting next to him. She sometimes wished that things between them were different. Sara had feeling and urges geared toward Grissom and she was beginning to get tired of making the first move and him just walking away. She was certain that he didn't harbour any feelings toward her; she just had to get over her feelings for him.
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The crime scene was swarming with people and flashing lights. David was already there to claim the body as well as the coroner. Grissom sped up to meet with David to see what he knew about the DB.
"David, what do we know?"
"Well, based on liver temp, she has been dead less than twenty-four hours."
"Ok, so at least that gives us a timeline to work with."
Grissom began to walk into the house followed by Sara and Catherine. Catherine went into analyzing the blood spatter that covered most of the house and Grissom and Sara went into the
Bedroom to collect the evidence.
Meanwhile Greg and Nick inspected the perimeter and gathered evidence, footprints, cigarette butts and various other things relating to the crime scene. Warrick walked around the neighborhood and asked the neighbors if there was anything suspicious going on over the weekend.
"Grissom, could you come look at this?" Catherine asked loud enough that he could hear her.
Grissom left Sara in the room to continue with her investigation and went to join Catherine in the living room.
Sara went about her business, taking pictures and collecting evidence when something looked out of sorts and she went to investigate. Sara walked over and opened the closet door. Immediately she saw blood, lots of blood. She walked into the large closet that separated into three different rooms. She walked into the first room and not to her surprise she saw another dead body, slain and bloody, she put her hand over her mouth and walked away trying hard not to gag at the scene. Sara had seen just about everything in her line of work, but this was different she hated seeing women hurt, especially when it was sexually related. Sara walked out of that room and into the next room, there too she found another dead body, this one was different, it was male and fully clothed, it didn't quite meet the killers MO. She backed away and began to approach the third room when she heard something. It was whimpering. Sara quickly ran to the third room. She entered the room and saw a girl lying on the floor, she was still alive, barely, but alive. Sara ran towards her when she was intervened by a man. He hit her hard and knocked her down. The next thing she saw was the man go over and take his knife and slowly slit the girl's throat, slowly to create the most pain for the victim. Sara thought, what kind of sick person would do this and enjoy it? Next thing Sara knew he had her by the throat, she was kicking and screaming, but he wouldn't let go. He ripped her shirt off and exposed her body to him. He was a fairly large man and she had all she could do to fight him off, he foiled most of her attempts. He reached down and cut her jeans off of her body, leaving bloody cuts on both of her legs. Sara winced in pain and screamed at the sight of the blood rushing out of her exposed legs. He grabbed her tighter by the throat and she began to suck for breath when the gunshot was fired. His grip was immediately loosened off of her throat and his body lay lifeless on the floor. Sara ran to the corner and hugged her bloody legs and began to rock back and forth taking herself away from this moment.
Grissom picked up his cell and called the ambulance, then rushed over to the shivering Sara. He took his coat off and wrapped it around her quivering body. She cringed at his touch and backed away form him and retreated farther and farther into the closet.
"Sara, honey, Sara, can you hear me?"
"Gggeettt aaawaayyy frommm mmmmeee!"
"Sara, its Grissom, I'm not gonna hurt you, I'm just trying to help you."
She shook her head fiercely and began to sob hard. The EMT's arrived to assess the situation, they had to sedate Sara in order to dress her wounds, and she was very upset and frightened. Grissom left Catherine to complete the scene and accompanied Sara to the hospital in the ambulance.
There were doctors and noises and nurses coming and going in Sara's room. Grissom paced back and forth in front of her room until someone came out and told him what was going on.
"Mr Grissom?"
"Yes"
"Ms Sidle is in shock, the events that brought her here were very traumatizing to her. She is going to need some serious help to get her out of this predicament she is in."
"Can I see her?"
"Yes, but not for long, she is still heavily sedated."
Grissom walked in the room and looked at Sara and his heart nearly fell out of his chest. She was laying there all still and bandaged, hooked up to a bunch of machines, she was breathing, but it was nearly silent and the noise of the machines nearly covered the noise barely emitting from her breath. Grissom approached the bed and bent down to touch her hand. She flinched and the machines went buzzing and the nurses came running in.
"Sir, you are going to have to leave, I'm afraid you are upsetting Ms Sidle."
Grissom was confused, but he walked out of her room and joined the solitude of the empty waiting room.
He sat there, with his head in his hands thinking. This was all his fault, Sara was tired, he knew that, she hadn't wanted to work this case but she did because he asked her to, no wait, he ordered her to do it. He then didn't access the scene, he didn't secure it, he just left to go help Catherine and left Sara alone. Sara was lying in this hospital, in this bed, and it was his entire fault.
The phone rang, "Grissom"
"Griss, Its Catherine, how is Sara doing?"
"She is ...she is...I don't know!"
"Griss, you ok?"
"I'm not sure, how is the case?"
"Solved! The perp you shot was definitely the murder, his seamen was all over the place, and he definitely got off on what he was doing, believe me! In total, he raped and murdered four women and one man, well murdered the man. From the evidence, we concluded that the man got in his way, interfered, he was a neighbor. His wife said he went next door to ask them to turn down the music and never returned. There were defensive wounds on all of the women. The worse body was the one we found with Sara, Gil, no wonder she is screwed up, I hate to imagine how scared she was."
"Great Cath, I won't be in tonight either, I plan on staying here with Sara."
"Are you sure that's wise?"
"It is my fault, it is the least I can do."
"Its not your fault Gil, it could have happened to any of us."
"But it didn't, it happened to Sara, my Sara, and it is all my fault."
Catherine thought to herself, his Sara, he must be out of it too, with that she hung up the phone.
Grissom continued to beat himself up about it. Sara was always hinting about a relationship between them, they were friends first, she wanted more, but he wouldn't give in to her advances. It wasn't as if he didn't have feelings, he just didn't know how to react to his feelings and now he was afraid that he was too late. He was afraid he lost her for good. Grissom approached the nurse's station.
"How is she doing?"
"She is still in shock, we hope she comes out of it soon, before more damage is done."
"Damage, what type of damage?"
"She is scarred both physically and mentally, hopefully it is something she can get over."
"Alright, I'm going home to get some rest, here is my number, any change in Sara, contact me immediately, no matter what, do you understand?"
The nurse nodded and took the paper from Grissom.
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The trip home was silent. He just wanted to jump in the shower and wash away all his pain, but he knew that nothing was going to wash this pain away. His heart was breaking and it was his own fault. Grissom took a hot shower and curled himself into a semi-comfortable slumber. He fought with the sleep demons but eventually succumbed to sleep. His nightmare awoke him; he woke in a cold sweat with one thought on his mind.... Sara. He reached over and picked up the phone and dialled the hospital.
"Yes, this is Gil Grissom, I am just checking on the status of Sara Sidle. Really, she is improving, that's amazing. Would you please let her know that I will be in to see her tomorrow, thank you." With that Grissom hung up the phone and got up to make himself a tea, he thought it would help him to sleep.
Grissom walked fast as he approached Sara's room. He put his hand on the door and turned the knob to open it. He walked in and saw Sara sitting up in her bed.
"Sara, how are you today?"
"Ggggrrrissom"
"Sara honey you made me so scared, he reached over to touch her hand."
She flinched, "Don't touch me!"
Grissom backed away, "Would you like me to leave?"
"No Griss, just don't touch me, nobody deserves to touch me."
"Sara, don't talk that way, this was not your fault, if anyone is to blame, it is me."
"Griss, I constantly bring disaster to my life, I did this to myself. No one deserves to be pulled down into my never-ending spiral I call my life."
Grissom was speechless.
"Sara, this is my fault, you told me you were tired, I still made you go. This wouldn't have happened if I didn't make you do ridiculous amounts of overtime."
Grissom reached over and touched her hand, she flinched, "Sara, let me help you, let me take your pain away."
"You can't do that, nobody can, and I'm doomed! I need to find a new line of work Grissom, I'm not sure I can do this anymore."
He saw the pain in her eyes, she wasn't just talking about being a CSI, she was talking about their relationship, or lack there of one.
"Sara, you are an amazing CSI, you are one of my best, I'm not sure I'm willing to lose you." The pain was in his voice, he couldn't hide it.
"Would an amazing CSI be lying here in a hospital bed looking like this?"
"Sara, I told you this is not your fault."
"I don't want to talk about this anymore, will you please leave!" There was pain in her voice and he wasn't sure if it was from the heart, or from the pain, what was he thinking, she was in emotional pain in addition to her physical pain. He left her room.
Sara, what are you thinking, you love your job, but can you handle this? Sidle you are strong and independent, why are you letting this get to you? Jesus Sara, pull it together! You have been hiding your demons for this long, just shove these ones in that dark closet with the others and be done with it.
The door opened and Grissom stood before her, "Sara, I'm gonna process some leave for you, how about two weeks? Will that be enough?"
"Enough for now, we will see!"
Grissom left and headed to work to process the paperwork. He was bombarded with questions about Sara and he left and retreated to the closed door of his office.
"Griss, you ok?" Catherine was at the door.
"I'm just upset is all, Sara is hurting more than anyone I have ever seen and she wants to leave. I'm afraid a plant won't help me this time."
"You need to decided what is important to you, Gil, and advance from there." With that Catherine left him to his solitude.
Grissom reached for the phone book and rifled through it to find a florist. He wanted a big bouquet of flowers delivered with a note. He dictated it to the florist on the other end of the phone:
"To Sara, my love;
I was so stupid not to take your advance seriously, but now I think it may be too late, I hope not, but if it is, I will understand. It is my fault you are hurt and I will never forgive myself for that. I hope you will consider your options before you do anything rash. I love you and I'm not afraid to show it anymore.
Love Grissom."
He was happy with his words and left it at that. It wasn't a half hour and his phone rang.
"Grissom."
Sara, it was Sara on the other end of the phone. "Griss, will you come to the hospital please?"
Grissom was more than willing to oblige, he found Catherine and told her where he was going.
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He sped up as he approached her floor; he was like a teenage in love for the first time. His heart was fluttering as he reached for the doorknob that led him into Sara's room. He looked up and saw the flowers and Sara holding the note in her hand.
"Grissom, am I really your love?"
He bent down near her and whispered in her ear, "Yes Sara, Always!"
His words brought tears to her cheeks.
"Did you mean what your note said?"
"Yes, I wouldn't have written it if I didn't mean it."
"I love you Sara. And I'm willing to do whatever it takes to prove that to you, I want to help you through this, but you have to be honest with me, are you ready to be honest with me, Sara?"
A drawn out "Yes." Came out of her lips.
He bent down and kissed her tear stained cheek.
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Sara spent only a few more days in the hospital. Grissom visited her during his time off. When she finally went home they decided to take it slow, for her sake after all she had been through. Grissom was very patient with her, he let her talk to him, reveal her demons to him on her own time. He knew this was stuff she was harbouring and he felt gifted that she chose to share with him; so what if she took her time, it had been four years already, what was a little more time.
"Griss, come over here, I need you to hold me, I'm ready to talk to you about what happened."
Sara was shivering and shaking, he wanted nothing more than to make her pain all go away. She began to cry.
"Are you sure you want to do this?"
"I have to!"
Sara began, "I was so scared Griss," she choked back the tears, "I saw the first girl, she was dead, it nearly made me sick, then I saw the man, he wasn't so bad, but the third girl, she was still alive, then he grabbed me," she began crying harder.
"Sara, you can stop, you don't have to continue, we can do this later." He tightened his grip on her.
"No! I need to do this, let me do this!"
Sara continued, "I tried to fight him, I tried hard, but he was so much bigger than me, he wouldn't let me hurt him, then he ripped my shirt off and cut my pants off, when I saw the blood, my blood, I lost it, that was when I saw you guys, heard the gun shot and he fell off of me. I was sure I was going to die." She was sobbing hard, "The one girl was alive when I got there, she was alive and he killed her, he killed her and made me watch, I was so scared!" She was crying uncontrollably.
"Oh Sara, let it all out, it will get better, I promise, I will never hurt you, I could never hurt you."
Sara nuzzled into the crook in his neck and began to drift off to sleep. Her thoughts wandered to her past, it was something that haunted her daily since she was ten, now this had to happen and make her relive those old demons she had trapped away so long ago. She had confided this much in Grissom, but she didn't know if she could ever tell him the rest.
He began to shift his weight and it startled her and she woke up. "Are you leaving me?"
"No, I just need to stretch, I am not very comfortable."
Sara chuckled and looked down at the way she was laying across him, no wonder he was uncomfortable she though. He bent down and lifted her up and opened the bed to put her in and tucked her in. She was still half asleep so she didn't protest until he tried to leave.
"Sara, I should go home."
"Please...don't leave me alone, I'm scared."
He sat back down on the bed and decided to wait until she fell completely back to sleep.
"Janey is coming over, me and daddy are going out."
"Janey, yeah!" the little girl screamed, "I likes Janey momma."
"I know you do, Sara, honey, that is why I asked her to babysit."
With that the little girl ran off to get ready for he big night with Janey.
Janey was seventeen and the delight of the town, everyone who knew her loved her and she had been babysitting Sara for years. She was the only one Sara really clicked with; she would only stay home if she was coming over.
Janey arrived at the door and Sara met her with a smile on her face and a big hug.
"Hey sweetie, what's new?"
"We are gunna have so much fun tonight!"
With that, Sara's parents left and Janey and Sara began to play. By eight o'clock, Sara was fast asleep and Janey moved her to her bed. It wasn't long when Sara awoke to voices talking.
"Mommy!" the little girl got up and ran out of her room. She stopped dead in her tracks when she saw the strange man over Janey.
"Janey!" the little girl ran towards her and he stretched his arm out and knocked the small little girl semi-unconscious. She began to cry.
"Shut up you little bitch!" and he hit her again.
Janey was crying hard, he was on top of her, he was hurting her. Sara laid there, on the floor too scared to move. There was a scream and then there was silence. The man quickly got up and left the house.
The little girl approached the baby sitter and looked down at the tangled mess that once was Janey. She was naked and bloody. She wasn't moving. Sara began to cry.
She woke up quickly in a tangled mess, "Janey!" Sara was crying. Grissom had planned on leaving once she fell asleep, but he must have fallen asleep first.
"Sara, who is Janey?"
"I'm not ready to talk about it Griss, I can't...It is too painful. It was just a nightmare." Sara knew different, but for now, Grissom did not.
"Sara, do you want me to leave?"
"No, I just can't talk about it right now, do you understand that, I just can't!" She was burying herself in Grissom's chest "Hold me Griss, please, hold me and don't let go."
"Are you sure that is what you want?"
"Yes, please, don't leave me."
Grissom knew he couldn't leave her, not like this, she was far to vulnerable to be left alone.
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They woke up to a new day, almost a new start, or so he hoped, Sara put in a restless night, she had nightmares all night and every nightmare demon she had, Grissom tried to chase away, he wasn't sure how successful he was, only time would tell.
"Sara, do you want to talk about your nightmares?"
"Not now Griss, I can't. I have been having the same nightmare for over twenty years, I'm not sure if I will ever be able to talk about it."
"Sara, if you ever decide, I will be here for you, but remember, if I don't know about it how can I help you?"
"Thanks Griss, but not now."
He bent down to give her a gentle kiss and she backed away. "Don't Griss!" she spat.
"Sara, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you."
"Its not that at all, you have your issues, Sara, and I have mine. Do you ever wonder what made me the way I am?
"All the time, Griss, but I figured you would share it with me when you felt comfortable to do so. You are a very private person and I respect that."
"Sara, would you like me to share a little bit about my past with you?"
"Yeah, if you feel like it, I would love to know what makes Gil Grissom, Gil Grissom."
Grissom began, "When I was five, my mother began to go deaf, I was a very odd child, everyone noticed it, I had very few friends so I kept to myself, buried myself into studies and never really bothered with friends. Between school work and my mother, I barely had time to live a normal life any way." Sara cuddled up closer to Grissom.
"Go on, continue Griss."
"When I was eighteen, I left for college, we were poor and I had to work in order to put myself through college, I always felt bad that my mother was left all alone, but I had to get out. I always felt guilty about that."
"Where was your dad?"
"My father left when my mother began to go deaf, he said we were cursed and I haven't seen him since. I was left to deal with everything, from the age of five. I have some serious trust issues, the people who weren't supposed to let me down, you figured that parents would always be there for you, well not in my case. That was just the beginning." He stopped to regain his composure.
"In college, I wasn't really popular, I had good grades and they all thought I was the teacher's pet. It was hard to make friends when you completely lacked social skills, but that didn't matter to her. She was beautiful. She had a love of Science and had her hands completely around my heart. I loved her so much. We dated all through college and in our senior year we decided to get married. We were so much in love that I was certain nothing could ever hurt us. That was far from the truth." He was choking back the tears.
"Griss, you can stop, you know that right."
"No, Sara, I have to go on, I have to tell you the rest," he continued, "We were planning on getting married in a small intimate affair, I was waiting at the altar for her to arrive, and she never did." He had to stop and regain his composure, "She was killed by a drunk driver, died on impact, we didn't even get married, and she was buried in her wedding gown. I had shut myself off from the world, put myself into my work that was until Terri Miller. We briefly dated, but my social skills were so lacking that we would have never made it. That brings me to you. When I asked you to come to Vegas, I thought I could change, be more compassionate, but I was wrong, all I ever did was make your life worse, you think your life is a down spiral, Sara, I think you just got caught in mine."
Grissom was silent, Sara began to talk, "Oh, I am so sorry, Griss, no wonder you weren't quick to accept my advances, I'm so sorry."
"You didn't know, how could you have known."
Sara took his hand and began to talk, "I think there is something you need to know, when I was ten, I had a babysitter, Janey," She stopped.
"Janey from your nightmares?"
"Yes, she was my babysitter since I was five, she was the only one who I would let baby-sit me. She came over one night to baby-sit while my parents went out. It went down hill form there. I played with Janey until I fell asleep, I remember it like it was yesterday, I woke up from my sleep because I heard a noise, I thought my parents were home. I went out and there was some guy in the living room with her, he was mean, he was hurting her," Sara began to sob, "I came over and he hit me, he knocked me down, he had her clothes off of her, I was so scared," she wiped the tears off of her face, "She was screaming, I tried to help her, but he hit me again and knocked me out, when I woke up, Janey wasn't moving, she was naked, bleeding and not breathing. I curled up in a ball and cried until my parents came home."
"Sara, that is awful, you were so young. Did they catch the man?"
"No, he got away, they never did catch him, I couldn't remember what he looked like. If I knew then what I know now, with all of the technology, Griss, they probably would have caught him. I tried to help her, but he wouldn't let me."
"Sara, you were only ten, honey, what could you do?"
"This is why rape cases bother me so much, I wonder with every case if it is the same person who hurt and killed Janey."
"That is awful Sara, no one should have to go through that at a young age, what did your parents do?"
"We moved, all the neighbors blamed us, because it happened at our house it was automatically our fault, they chased us right out of our community."
"Can I tell you something else, Griss?"
He nodded and stroked her hand. "Griss, I have some serious intimacy issues."
"Who wouldn't after what happened to you!"
"I have only had one boyfriend, that was in college, and I had issues with intimacy back then and it hasn't changed in ten years."
"So nothing happened between you and Hank?"
"We were only friends, nothing more, just someone to hang out with. I thought about taking it to the next level when I found out he was with someone else and he was just using me to make her jealous, so I shut off and began drinking; you know what happened next."
"The DUI."
"Yup, I used drinking to numb my pain, it only made matters worse, my life is so screwed up, and now this."
"Now that all of our cards are on the table, how about we start over."
"What do you mean Griss?"
"Hello," he said gently kissing her hand, "I am Gil Grissom, Senior CSI and Shift Supervisor at the LVPD Crime Lab, you would be?"
Reaching out to shake his hand she started, "I am Sara Sidle, Level 3 CSI, LVPD Crime Lab, charmed to meet you Gil Grissom."
She began to chuckle, "So what does this mean Griss? Are we starting over?"
"Yes, I think we are!"
The End????