Chapter one
In the morning my phone rings a few times, the *ping* that indicades someone send me a message. People, probably Killian, try to reach me but I don't want anyone around me. I ignore every call, every text message, every sound around me and just silently cry every now and than. I think all the thoughts I didn't allow myself to think over the last few weeks. Depressing, saddening thoughts.
By lunchtime I hear the front door open. By the heavy sound of his boots I know it's Killian.
'Emma?' I hear him call through the house. I don't answer. Can't find the strenght to do so. 'Love, I know you're home, please answer me?' Again with the stupid tears. I hear him walk up the stairs.
'Love?' he says softly as he opens our bedroom door. When he sees me in bed he rushes to my side. 'What's wrong, love? Are you unwell? Hurt?' I shake no and a sob leaves my throat. 'Why the tears, darling?' With all the care in the world he gently pushes me up in a sitting position. He sits in front of me on the bed. I look at him and break. With tears, sobs and shivers I fall against his chest.
'I'm here, love', he whispers. My heavy, loud sobs continue for some time. When I quiet down a little Killian lays me back down. I continue to whimper while he removes his boots, pants and shirt. Leaving him in only his boxers. He also removes his hook and brace. He crawls in behind me, wraps his arms round me and pulls me against his chest.
'Can you tell me what's wrong?' he whispers as he presses kisses against my cheek.
'I… you… you were dead', I cry, 'I had to let them take you away from me.' I continue to cry but not so hysterically.
'It caught up with you', I nod. I feel his lips against my cheek and shoulder. 'And now you're grieving.'
'I feel so sad. I haven't stopped crying all day and I don't know what to do', he pulls me even closer to his chest and pulls the blanket we're under even higher. I turn around in his arms and lay my head against his chest. 'Why can't I stop crying', I whisper.
'You will. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But for now you can be sad, you can be depressed', I look up at him in surprise.
'I never said…', he silences me with a kiss.
'Open book, love', he softly smiles.
'What if I don't come out of this?' I ask.
'I won't let that happen. I will help you get back to a happy feeling. For a little bit you get to grieve over everything that happened to us. To you. You lost another person you love', I nod and whimper again, 'you got me back. But it doesn't erase the fact that you lost me.'
'I love you', I say softly.
'And I love you', he presses his lips against my forehead, 'and you will be okay again. I will make sure you'll be smiling again.'
'You make me happy. No matter what's going on. Even with these stupid tears, you still make me happy.'
'You're tears aren't stupid. You are beautiful. My beautiful Swan', for a moment he makes me giggle.
'Stop being so charming', I gently push at his chest.
'Your dad taught me some things', he smiles and winks. And even I manage to crack a smile. Until I see the scar on his neck.
'You died', I whisper again.
'Aye. And you brought me back to life', Killian wipes his thumb across my cheek. 'And now, I'll do everything in my power to bring you back to yourself. But for now, you can be sad. The happy part will come back.' I nod and relax in his arms.
The rest of the afternoon I spend in Killian's arms. He presses kisses against my face, holds me tight and tells me he loves me every now and then. And I just let myself be. When it's time for Henry to get home, Killian goes downstairs to take care of him.
I hear them talking and walking around downstairs. I feel guilty for not taking care of my son. For being selfish. With a lot of courage I manage to get up. I'm still wairin my pyjama's so I don't have to change. Without looking in the mirror I head downstairs.
'What would you like for dinner, lad?' Killian asks Henry.
'Maybe we can get something from Granny's? We could take something back for Mom', he says.
'Excellent idea', I look around the corner and see Killian ruffle Henry's hair. I smile with pride.
'How was school?' I ask softly. Both Killian and Henry look up. Not prepared to see me, obviously.
'Mom!' Henry may be a teenager by now but he leaps from his chair and hugs me tight. I look over his shoulder towards Killian.
'Hi Henry', I whisper. I press a kiss against his hair before we let go.
'You okay?' he's clearly worried.
'I will be', I try to reassure him. He still looks worried and pulls me back in a hug. Killian walks over to us.
'What would you two like for dinner?' he asks with a smile. But there's so much worry in his eyes, too. Both Henry and I want a cheeseburger with a ton of fries. Unhealthy food sounds just about the most perfect thing right now. When Killian offers to go and get it, Henry steps in. Before we can argue he's out the door.
'What made you get out of bed, love?' Killian asks as I sit close to him on the couch.
'Guilt', I answer, 'I felt guilty for not getting up to take care of Henry.' Tears are already in my eyes again. 'When's this ever going to end?' I whisper bearly audible.
'Shh', Killian picks me up gently and places me on his lap. I make myself as small as possible and seem to dissapear in Killian's arms. 'I love you, my Emma.'
'Love you, too', I mumble from against his chest. I keep sniffeling for a while. 'I just want to get back in bed.'
'You have to eat a little, darling', Killian tries to catch my eye. 'you can go to bed after.'
'I'm not even hungry', I'm absolutely defeated.
'Only a little bit, I promise, he holds me a little tighter. 'Close your eyes love. Henry will be back before you know it.' I do close my eyes and pretend to be sleeping. In reality I'm reliving every single time I had to see Killian die. In our alternate reality, when he sacrified himself to save everyone from the darkness and when I went up the elevator and leave Killian in the Underworld. I feel useless, empty and down. I don't think I'm good enough anymore. Not to Henry, not to Killian and not even my parents. I let everyone I love down. People would be better off without me. I keep drowning myself into the darkness of depression untill Killian tells me Henry's back. With trouble I get up and sit with both my men at the dinner table. I'm silent, pick at my food and eat a few bites while Killian and Henry chat happily. Every now and then I catch a worried glance coming from Killian.
'I'm going upstairs', I say quietly and walk towards the stairs.
'She's really not okay, is she?' Henry asks softly. I stop at the bottom of the stairs and listen to Killian's answer.
'Your mother has been through a lot of pain. Pain she has been keeping inside herself. That pain needs to find a place in her life, lad. She's feeling all that pain right now. So right now, she is, indeed, not okay. But that doesn't mean that, with our love and care, she won't be okay again', Killian explains to Henry gently.
'I just want to see her smile', I hear a soft tremor in Henry's voice. It breaks my heart. I don't wait for what Killian says to comfort him. I crawl into bed and resolve into silent sobs.