Hey so I've had this idea in my head for a while so I hope you enjoy it!
DISCLAIME R: I OWN NOTHING
This was it. He was giving it. He couldn't push this pain down anymore. He couldn't ignore this anymore.
No.
No, he had to. For Sammy. He had to protect Sammy. He just needed to clear his thoughts. He closed his eyes, taking deep breaths.
He tried so hard, ignoring every voice in his head for so long. Pushing them away, focusing on the jobs, on Sammy, on the drink in his hand, anything. He was trying so hard, but nothing worked when he was by himself. Surrounding himself with work and alcohol didn't seem to be working much anymore either, but he'd be damned if he lost this fight.
He couldn't lose this fight. He needed to be strong, be the strong big brother Sammy had looked up to as a kid. He couldn't let Sam down. He knew Sam would try to help, but he didn't tell him. He didn't want to worry Sam, didn't want him to think he was weak for giving up so soon.
He prayed, more than he'd ever thought he would. Every knight he was on his knees, praying for Cas to come back and help him. He needed Cas's help to clear his mind of every awful thought, needed Cas to help him fight this battle. He prayed for Cas to stay by his side, begging him not to leave, to keep fighting the good fight with him. These horrible thoughts wouldn't leave him, so he prayed Cas wouldn't either.
He only hoped his prayers reached Castiel's ears, hoped Cas would hep him out of pity if not love, begging him to merciful.
Everything was so painful without Cas. It wasn't fair, he needed Cas, and he'd failed to help him when he'd needed it most.
He found himself himself on his knees again tonight, praying for Cas to somehow be freed and to join him, never to leave his side again. He prayed for Cas to help him get rid of this pain, of all this fear. Fear that he was't good enough, that he wasn't someone that Sam could look up to and be proud to call his big brother.
Nothing was helping, nothing worked. This shouldn't be hard. He'd done everything, following easy remedies and quick fixes, but none of them had had any impact on his mental state. Nothing else in the world could have possibly compared to these battles in his heart and mind, fighting for control over his priorities and interests.
He tried ignoring everything as a last resort, tuning out everything and everyone, but everything stayed. The pain and guilt of everything he'd ever done and failed to do, following him like personal demons or shadows. Everything he'd done to hurt his family. Everything he'd done that had hurt Sam. Everything he'd done that had hurt Cas, breaking and bruising their bodies and spirits. He'd lied and cheated, stolen and fought. He prayed to be rid of them. He couldn't lose this battle. Not against himself.
This was best. This way he couldn't hurt anyone anymore. He could take away all his pain and fear this way. His prayers weren't heard, Castiel hadn't stayed, his brother was probably ashamed of him. Tears dripped down his face, hot and stinging. This was the one battle he'd lost. He couldn't keep fighting the good fight. He'd completely given up. After all, Dean Winchester always said he'd go down with a gun in his hand.
Based off of Inner Demons by Julia Brennan