I wake up with a gasp, realizing that it was only a nightmare. I feel Katniss stir next to me.
"Peeta" she mumbles. During the night, she had curled herself into me and now I feel her breath on my chest. I stroke her hair lightly.
"Go back to sleep Darling." She says my name again and her lips turn up into a smile. That's when I realize, she's dreaming about me. I laugh to myself, knowing she would never believe this if I told her. I squeeze her a little closer comforted that nightmares have escaped one of us tonight.
It's been the same nightmare since the incident in the capitol. I come home one night to find the house completely destroyed and my family gone. The heart wrenching pain I felt thirty years ago returns as I search through the rubble for my family. My past seems to haunt me with each discovery. I sometimes find my brothers, my parents or my grandfather the same way I found them after the destruction of district 12 during the rebellion. I always try to will myself to wake up at this point, but my mind refuses to let me escape my greatest fear. I continue to search till I find them; Katniss, Dahlia and Jon's lifeless bodies in front of me. The realization that I have failed to protect my family again overwhelms me and I crumple to the floor in grief. Right before my head hits the floor, I'm jolted back to reality.
"That wasn't real Peeta, this is." Shaking off my nightly reminder of what is and isn't real, I hold tight to Katniss. I vowed to be there for her and protect her and our children. A vow I planned to keep. Dipping my head down, I whisper in her ear.
"Always." She shifts slightly and her eyes flutter open to meet mine. I look into those familiar grey eyes and smile. She smiles back and begins to move in for a kiss when the communicator rings and interrupts our moment. I pick it up somewhat annoyed.
"Mallerk residence" I mumble into it. The familiar clicking of a secure line hit my ear followed by the pleasant voice of a female operator.
"Voice recognition confirmed. Hello Mr. Mallerk. General Mason requests to speak with you." He replies immediately.
"Please let her know I will be ready in 5 minutes." The operator types something in, before responding.
"Yes sir. We will call you back in 5 minutes." I hang up the communicator and look at my wife who is anxiously awaiting an answer to who could have called us in the middle of the night.
"Its just Joanna. She probably wants to give us an update. I just wish she'd figure out the time difference." It wasn't the first time we had been awoken by a high security call from Joanna or Paylor. As mayor I had called both women at strange times too, so I understood the accidental late night calls. Katniss however, would often hang up and wait for them to call later.
I move to get out of the bed, but Katniss wraps her arms around me.
"Don't go. They'll call back later." She kisses my neck then my collarbone, melting my resolve a little.
"I won't take long," I finally manage to say. I gently unwrap her arms and get out of bed. She props herself up on her elbow as I get dressed. When I turn to face her, she's staring at me with the look I've seen so many times before. Being together so long, I can read her expressions and subtle looks. I answer it with a kiss and a reply.
"I love you too."
What a difference 10 minutes makes, I think to myself as I hang up the communicator. 10 minutes ago, I was in bed with my wife, professing my love. Not knowing that she was keeping a huge secret from me. Joanna rattled it out, realizing too late that I should not have known. But it was out and soon everyone would know too. A group of captured soldiers had been returned to headquarters. One of which was Asher Hawthorne, who until 2:00 this morning had been assumed dead. I then asked the question that started it all.
"When are they coming home?" There was silence at first and then Joanna said. "Katniss and I have decided its best for Soldier Hawthorne not to return home." At that I almost lost it. I never yell or raise my voice but this statement had me outraged. Who were they to separate a child from his family. Joanna let me rattle off a little longer before responding.
"They have been hijacked." The word snaps me back to the present and I stay quiet through the rest of the brief. When she finishes I hear her tentatively call my name. Without responding I hang up.
I stare at the family picture, now questioning if it is even real. Katniss did not want Asher to come back because she thought it would be to hard on Dahlia. Why; because my coming back was too hard on her. I ask the question out loud;
"Real or not real, Katniss wanted you to come back." I fail to find the answer. Anger starts to build and I fight to keep control. I try to rationalize to myself the glint off the metal objects is not possible without sun or that I am sitting upright not at a tilt, but it doesn't stop it from happening. I glance at the picture again and see the mutant dog hovering over my children, I throw the picture at a lamp and watch them both shatter before I regain control.
The crash was loud enough to be heard throughout the house. I walk over and lock the door, giving myself time to calm down, before either Katniss or the children come to investigate. Pressing my hand into the corner of the desk, I try forcing the pain to over ride the surging rage. A part of me knew it wouldn't be enough. It wasn't because of what Katnis called "Not her Peeta" had taken over. But because the real Peeta was just as angry at her. It was pure torture that the one person I needed to sort this out was also the person I hated more then anything in the world.
The movement of the door handle alerted me to someone's presence. "Peeta! Peeta are you alright?" Katniss was clearly worried as she began to bang on the door.
"Go away." I growled at her, but the change in my voice clued her in to what was going on and she started to throw her weight into the door.
It only took 3 hits before the lock gave way and the door swung open. I had tried to place myself behind the desk as a barrier, but Katniss was not concerned with the danger of getting close to me.
"Don't come any closer." I yelled harshly, stopping her in her tracks. She looked at me with pity, which infuriated me more. I stabbed my hand into the desk corner until it started to bleed.
"Real or not real Peeta! Katniss Everdeen is your wife." She yelled suddenly. The words had worked and I became alert enough to reply.
"Real." She continued and took a step forward.
"We have two beautiful children; Dahlia and Jonathan."
"Real." My voice began to return to its normal tone and I felt my emotions start to level. She was only a few feet away when she asked the next question.
"You love me real or not real?" I pause for a long time while I think about it. I without a doubt love Katniss. I think back to the several times I've said it over the years. What stops me from answering is the few times I remember her saying it to me.
"Peeta?" She says uncertain. I look back at her with clear confusion on my face.
"You never say it to me. Do you really love me?" The pain my words inflict is clear on her face as she responds.
"Of course I love you. Always." Throwing caution to the wind, she rounds the desk and hugs me. I am unable to hug her back however, not until she can answer the question that's been on my mind.
"Katniss, Asher Hawthorne was found alive this morning. Joanna let slip, your plans for him if he had been kidnapped." Her head whips up in surprise. "Real or not real; you wanted me back after I was hijacked." She pauses before responding as if she didn't know what to say. Big mistake.
"DADDY!" I crash back to reality to see Dahlia screaming at me while she holds her brother back. When I look down, Katniss is pinned under me, now gasping for breath. Red marks and blood encircle her neck and I instinctively reach for her. She flinches away before she can stop herself. I quickly get up and back myself behind my desk. I follow the bloodstains and am relieved to find that it's only my blood. I look back up to see my wife trying to push the children out, but they are clearly afraid to leave her alone with me.
"My children are afraid of me." I mumble. There is a sinking feeling when I realize the family that I wanted so much, that I want to protect is most in danger of me. When Katniss finally pushes the kids into the hallway, I run out the office and head for the door. In the time it takes me to put on my shoes, Katniss has caught up to me. Without turning around I talk to her.
"I would have wanted you no matter what."
"I know." She responds a little teary. My heart breaks as I realize that even after 30 years, she never loved me as much as I loved her.
"Stay with me." I hear the need behind her request but this time I can't be there for her. I finally turn to look at her and see the tears running down her face. I keep my distance as I tell her what took me so long to figure out.
"I guess you were right Katniss. It was a mistake for us to have children. To ever think we could be a family."
"No Peeta!" She rushes towards me but I rush out the door. I run out of Victor's village without any idea of when I will return.